Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Girls behaving badly

A correspondent draws my attention to a couple of examples of unladylike behaviour, urging me to seek out the women involved and admonish them. While agreeing that their conduct was deplorable, I reject the idea that I should personally intervene. My job is to observe and reflect rather than punish. Don Bananas I am not.

The first case concerns a singer called Nicki Minaj, whose fame has yet to penetrate the rainforests of the Congo. After cancelling a scheduled performance because of a throat complaint, she grew enraged when some of her fans had the cheek to express disappointment. This is the message she tweeted in response to their complaints:

“I was in jeopardy of losing my voice entirely and needing surgery on my vocal chord. If u can’t understand that, your mother’s a WHORE!”

I would classify her last remark as a non-sequitur of the highest order. After further bickering, she instructed her critics to “eat shit and die”.

It’s worth mentioning that eating shit, although unpleasant, is rarely fatal. Very few animals have poisonous dung. One that does is the honey badger, which feasts on deadly snakes and excretes their venom in its poo. If Miss Minaj had been more astute, she would have told her disgruntled fans to “eat the shit of a honey badger” and left it at that. The words “and die” would have been redundant as death would have followed automatically. Perhaps her few remaining fans should explain this to her, so she can insult them with greater erudition next time.

The second uncouth wench whose deeds I was apprised of is an unnamed 40-something Swedish woman. She has been charged with harassment for despoiling the person and possessions of a 21-year-old man. This fellow was either her boyfriend or some likely lad she had designs on – the precise nature of their relationship has not been disclosed.

The alleged acts were committed after the young man went to bed following an argument with the woman. After he fell asleep, she got into his bed and urinated on him. She then got out of bed and emptied the remaining contents of her bladder on the man’s sofa.

Vexatious though these unauthorised emictions must have been, I think the aggrieved party should have sought satisfaction by issuing a cleaning bill rather than pressing criminal charges. Now that the courts are involved, he will surely be cross-examined about the nature of the dispute than preceded the passing of water. It seems probable that he had rejected the woman’s advances, causing her to behave like the fury which hell hath not.

Much will depend on how this rejection was framed. If he had simply said “Sorry, I’m too tired”, no one could accuse him of insensitivity. But if he had said something like “Leave me alone, droopy tits!” the defendant could legitimately claim some degree of provocation. This wouldn’t excuse her crime, of course. If you are spurned, you should sleep with someone else rather than pissing on your spurner.

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Nicki losing her voice would be a blessing to all mankind!!!!
Good thing she wasn't a honey badger.
Or shit on him.
Then he mighta died.
Judging from her comments, which I can practically hear from here, her voice is not in danger, and that's too bad.

Urine and faeces is another man's Champagne and caviar...
Tut, tut and even tsk, tsk.

It are truly sad in this day and age for the second-oldest major profession in the book to be used as an term of abusement. I think the profession of "whore", or as we call them in England, harlots, doxy-ladies or tramps, is as honourable a profession as any other, and certainly very much more so than "personal injury lawyer" or "politician".

Put as gently as possible under the circumstances and because I am nothing if not a gentleman, I would have had more sympathy for the talentless, graceless, lexicographically-stunted cupid stunt bitch-dog of a tonsil-terroriser had she tweeted "... your mother is an Investment Banker".

p.s. never heard of this Nicki Minaj or her notorious single vocal cord. What does she sing? Anything you want, dearie, for a fiver?

p.p.s. Are you taking the piss, or is the season not yet open?
Here's what a clueless old sod I've become: I have no idea who Nicki Minaj is. Yes, a singer. I know that much. I've seen her name batted about. But I don't think I've heard one of her songs. Not ONE. No desire, either.

I misread "...some likely lad..." as ...some lucky lad." Could be that too, I suppose, depending on your proclivity. Were they German?

A poetic choice of labels. Is that a prose poem? It is!
i always thought Nicki along with Gaga, looked a little looney. the behavior seems somewhat expected.
Of course the whole business of "golden showers" is very much in vogue amongst young people these days, and being Swedish I cannot believe the young man would have been in the least put out HAD THE ACT BEEN CARRIED OUT IN A SEXUAL CONTEXT.

My own reading of the situation is that the this lady chose to demonstrate her displeasure with the lad's soft furnishings, this being what the original argument had been about.

On your other point, I should point out that many nasty illnesses can be transmitted via the oral - faecal route, so any shit should be well cooked before eating.
Keeping it real: Because she wouldn't be able to sing or because she wouldn't be able to swear? I'm lucky enough not to have heard either.

Al: Nicki Minaj? No, you must mean the Swedish woman. I would have had less sympathy for the lad if she'd been a honey badger. Only an utter fool would get into an argument with a honey badger and reject its advances.

Robyn: Yes, it's a good thing she was using Twitter rather than a megaphone. Maybe her agent should gag her before public appearances.

Steve: Do you have a name for this "other man"? I can name a few urine drinkers, but none who do both.

The Owl Wood: Is there a piss-taking season? It happens all year round in my neck of the jungle. An honest whore is better than a dishonest banker - I'll agree with you there.

Mr UB: Don't feel bad about it - I wouldn't have recognised her name a few days ago. They were Swedish, not German, and the lad was definitely likely rather than lucky. I don't know what a prose poem is, but any poetry you read here is entirely accidental.

Jaya: Maybe she has anger management problems. Gaga looks quite sane by comparison.

Jon: Yes, maybe the problem was that she did it while he was asleep, like in the Assange case. The Swedes are very finicky about what you do to a sleeping bedmate. Let's look forward to the day when deep fried shit is a delicacy in the Congo and France.
i can't remember the last time i used the old eat shit and die adage. thanks for reminding me about that useful little phrase.
GB - Have you not got a McDonald's in the Congo then?
It's a good thing that the 40 somethingish lady didn't read Nicki's
tweet. God only knows what the hell she would have done to the poor guy. It would have been a lot worse than pee I'm guessing. :(

I also have never heard of your first disappointing female, but she sounds like a catch. A vocal chord can take quite a pounding, so she should woman up and carry on.

And as to the second story, how does the chap know it was her and not some errant dog?

If you poured glitter on Lady Gaga and threw her in a dumpster you'd get Kesha.

If you painted a Kesha doll orange and then defecated on it you would get Nicki Minaj.

I hate her so much.
Who would have thought eating the poop of a honey badger would be fatal? "Honey Badger" is such a pleasant name...sounds like the type of animal that should adorn the cover of a box of Sugar Smacks. I would use the insult you crafted ("Eat the shit of a honey badger and die!"), but I think most people will not be that knowledgeable of honey badgers, and will not be that offended. If you could come up with the name of a more vile sounding creature that poops poisonous excrement, so that I could tell people to eat their shit and die, I would be forever in your debt.~ sincerely yours, James Earl Fungus I
Billy: I thought "fuck off and die" (FOAD) was the more common expression. Making someone eat shit before he dies would flout the convention of allowing the condemned man to choose his last meal.

Jon: I'm not having that! McDonald's burgers are shallow fried shit!

Laura: You're right there, Laura. I'm guessing she would have pooped in his mouth!

The Jules: You'd never heard of her either? Suddenly I feel much less un-hip. Doesn't dog's urine smell different?

Dwei: Ah, so you must have followed her career then! Does she have a large following in spite of her obvious defects?

Jimmy: Don't be fooled by the name, man, the honey badger is really badass. Here's a short video you should publicize, so people will understand the insult. You could say "eat the shit of a camel", but it's better to educate people about the honey badger.
Sometimes one wonders at the basic "humanity" of humans.

Do any of the great apes piss on each other?

I think not.
Gorilla Bananas, I would write about it, but honey badger don't give a shit.
Also this Honey Badger mashup is relevant.
I am not a Niki Manaj fan. After reading your post, TG I'm not! :)
Don Bananas! I like it! I think you'd suit a sharp suit and a black mercedes.
Anyway, I'm shocked at Ms Minaj as I actually think she's quite talented. Maybe she should stick to rapping instead of talking/texting/twittering/really any conversation whatsoever.
Urinating on your boyfriend? Really? She should have urinated in his iron, that would have been better.
I suppose another method of feces-induced death could arise from consuming a tapeworm-infested sample, which could lead to a long, slow, and painful demise. But I like the honey badger idea better.
TS Bastard: They don't, but monkeys certainly piss on the great apes. And usually from a great height.

Jimmy: The fact that someone used the honey badger soundtrack in a video about a fat redneck girl shows how popular the original narration must have been. When are you going to do a feature on that guy? You're normally quick to pay tribute to the latest You Tube talent.

Gossip girl: The Almighty spared you for a higher purpose.

Juliette: You know more about Miss Minaj than most people here, Jules. Does urinating in a steam iron improve its performance? I'd like to see it remove the creases in a dry pair of jeans!

Sarcastic Ninja: Eating honey badger shit would certainly be a quicker method of dispatch, Ms Ninja.
“eat the shit of a honey badger”.
I like that phrase. I might use it myself.

That second case reminds me of the troubles we (dad, mum and I) had with Sodom.
I know that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but that was just plain mean! That couch didn't do a thing to her!
Niki could lose her voice as far as I'm concerenedf iot would be a favor to the world....and speaking of women acting bad, I was talked into watching a real housewives of atlanta marathon last night...those chicks are a treain wreck, but popular as hell...any thoughts on the obsession of viewing bad behaviour that has taken over the air waves?
Angry Jesus: Were people playing water sports at Sodom? Maybe your dad let them off too lightly.

Kellie: I can't argue with you there, but maybe it was the place she first seduced him. Pissing on it would have been a symbolic act of renunciation.

Monkey man: I would say it's a kind of feel good TV. The viewer feels virtuous by comparison.
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