Monday, September 24, 2012

Forbidden fruit

The manager of the safari camp is facing a grave moral dilemma:

“I don’t approve of what that photographer did, but I still want to see Kate’s boobs,” he said.

“I suggest you fight your voyeuristic urge,” I advised. “When I was in the circus, there was a clown who had a craving to be pissed on the face by a fat woman. When he finally gave into it, he felt dirty afterwards.”

“Well he would, wouldn’t he?” said the manager. “I’m surprised he found someone who agreed to do it.”

“Every fat woman has her price,” I remarked.

“That’s all very well, but my situation is different. Suppose one of the guests has a magazine with her picture in it. What am I supposed to do? Close my eyes?”

“You could provide the guest with a strip of adhesive tape to mask the duchess’s dumplings. If no one else can see them, you won’t feel so deprived.”

The manager sighed and looked to the heavens for guidance.

The latest news on this scandal is that the man who took the pictures is English. I can well believe it. There is something very un-French about secretly photographing a topless woman. When the Frenchman sees an agreeable pair of titties, he likes to observe them at close range and make the owner aware of his admiration. The obsession with still images of the bosom is a very English fetish.

Kate should be glad that he’s English, because it means he can be charged with treason. I’m sure he’ll get a fair trial before the jury convict him. What would be an appropriate sentence in this day in age? I would recommend squirting lemon juice in his eyes while electrocuting his nipples. A harsh penalty, to be sure, but one has to make an example of such guttersnipes to discourage other traitors in his profession.

A question of more than academic interest is why pictures of Kate’s royal rack are such a hot commodity. Three years ago, she was a middle-class English girl whose bust wouldn’t have turned many heads at a building site. Did marrying a prince automatically perk-up her puppies, causing her nipples to point at a higher angle of elevation?

My old friend Smacker Ramrod is the expert I consult on boob-related issues, so I put this question to him. He assured me that admirers of the female bosom would have been just as eager to see Kate’s jahoobies before she became a royal duchess. The big change, he said, was in the quality of the conversation piece thus acquired. No one is interested in hearing you talk about your neighbour’s norks if that neighbour is a nobody. But if you have have seen a famous pair of jugs, you may discuss their qualities at length, while speculating on the manner of their deployment in the recreational activities for which they were designed.

I think he hit the nail on the head, don’t you? Talking about what you've seen is half the fun for humans.

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Nipples are always nice.
As always, GB, you make many wise observations. To the lemon juice & electrocuted nipples I would add the photography of his shrizzled genitals, perhaps with some shots featuring a pair if Groucho Marx-style glasses & eyebrows. This, I think, should provide strong deterence.
I have checked with my contacts and I believe that the images were actually commissioned by Eton & Harrow Reading Matter (Publishers for Puberty) Ltd of Oxbridge. If t'were not for this annual publication of "Royal Norks Magazine (Glossy)" then nine out of ten chaps at Public schools would have nothing (legal under the school rules) to er, to um, to well, to read in the evenings after prep and rugger.

Can't have future captains of industry ogling middle or lower/working class norks, just not on, no not on at all.

The photographer will have the usual clause in the contract relating to a fresh identity, his hanging and disembowelling will be a sham.
I think boobs/nudity of women work a bit like shares in the Stock Market. They rise when the female in question is popular and fall again if she falls out of grace. The Spice Girls would be depreciating shares except for Posh Spice for some reason. Although she is the most skeletal of the former group, she is more popular so her Boob Rating is still high. Whereas Mel B has bigger and, arguably, better, boobs, her popularity is middling so her Boob Rating is average.
And talking or speculating about what we HAVEN’T seen is the other half of the fun!
Perhaps some people just want to get a complete set of Unclothed British Royalty Photos. Harry and Kate would be some of the more attractive collector's shots. "Prince Charles' wild hot tub evening," on the other hand, must be traded in brown-paper wrappers.
I think the British subjects want to know what their Prince finds so appealing in that one pair of boobs.
TS Bastard: Not if they're long and droopy.

Jon: I tried to look up the word 'shizzle' and found 82 meanings, but the gist of what you are saying seems sound. It's always safer to err on the side of harshness.

The Owl Wood: I'm not surprised to see you sticking up for your fellow snapper. You will no doubt offer your abode as a safe house for the fugitive.

Fatman: Mel B definitely has better boobs, there's no argument about it. Have you see her latest photo? I'm not convinced Victoria is popular enough to outrank them.

Beth: True enough, Beth. The human imagination can run riot once it's been stimulated!

Ms Ninja: Harry's bum v Kate's boobs would be an interesting contest - I'd quite like to see them wrestle. But Charles should keep well out of it.

Runaway: You're assuming he's a boob man, Miss Runaway. He may well be, but we shouldn't take these thing for granted.
Celebrity nudes are the only ones you can really talk about. If you're looking at amateur nudie pics or videos it's a fetish.
It's a disturbing trend. First Harry's arse. Then Kate's tits. What next? The Queen's fanny?
I didn't know Kate was middle class just 3 years ago. How did she pull of that giant leap of social climbing? Wow. That would be equivalent to me landing Jennifer Lopez, I suppose. Anyway, I think this fiasco, shows why we can never have a female Pope. Imagine if someone displayed a pic of the Pope's boobs in a tabloid. If posting Kate's bosom is treason, doing that would at least be blasphemy or worse.
are the muslims ok with this?
Spot on title GB! Is it really the English fetish to obsess over still images of bosom? I mean English alone? Surely not... : )x
When are people going to stop freaking out over a pair of titties? My GOD! They've been around for a long time. We should be used to them by now. Her's are quite tiny, by the way. And she should know better than to sunbath topless. Does she realize that she is watched ALL THE TIME.
Angie: When the popularity of a fetish grows beyond a certain point, it becomes a recreation. I suspect that's already happened in this case.

Steve: The Queen's fanny is protected by a moat and portcullis. You'll never get in there, mate.

Jimmy: She went to the same University as Prince William and showed him her boobs. What if the Pope has a sex change operation? I think it's quite possible.

Billy: They should be OK as long as Kate wasn't reading the Koran in her topless condition.

Hannah: Is there something similar to page 3 of The Sun in any other country, Hannah?

Mr UB: Don't call them tiny, the correct description is "nymph-like". She just needs a secluded place to get them tanned. If I owned a tropical island, I would be happy to lend it to her.
Oh just look at em, they aren't so great
I haven't seen them either and have no desire to. However, I have heard that they aren't very nice titties as it happens. Maybe that's why she's getting so royally bent out of shape about the deed. Could it be she has been knocked off her pedestal?
It was probably all about $$$ anyway!
It would've made for a bigger (in more ways than one) story had the photos been of Pippa's butt.

I would like to see if Bill Wyman from the Rolling Stones could be reached for comment, seeing as he is a British man with a large portfolio of boob pics. I'm serious. While the other guys were doing drugs, he was at nude beaches taking boob pics.

Anyway, couldn't this controversy be over someone with BIG boobs?

it was probably for the money ...still it's just stupid.
So you think he may not be a boob man because one of the photos had him massaging her ass?
Crazy Mama: I can't look at them unless she shows them to me, Crazy Mama. Peeping tomfoolery is beneath my dignity.

Juliette: She wasn't too ashamed to let the sun shine on them, Jules. I think she loves her puppies and for that she has my respect.

Gossip girl: For the photographer it was. I assume he was paid in euros.

Robyn: Pippa's butt isn't royal, Robyn. She'll have to marry Harry before it becomes a hot commodity.

Dr Ken: Bill Wyman is into under-age girls, so small virginal boobs are probably just his cup of tea. Big boobs don't belong on a princess, anyway.

Jaya: Could it have been for anything else, Jaya? I've never heard of a paparazzo who took pictures for his private album.

Runaway bride: I never knew that! Have you been looking at the pictures, Miss Runaway? If so, you are a naughty young lady!
Mmm. I love that Kate.
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