Friday, September 28, 2012

A positive post

I got an email from someone accusing me of using this blog as a vehicle for ridicule and heartless mockery.

“You’re always having a go at someone.” he wrote. “Why can’t you be positive for a change?”

I could have responded to this complaint by mentioning all the humans I’ve praised, a list which includes Dian Fossey and the cast of Star Trek (both the original series and ‘Next Generation’, but not ‘Deep Space Nine’ or ‘Voyager’). But after due reflection, I decided against such a defensive reaction. One shouldn’t argue with honest criticism from a reader, however lacking in objectivity.

“Thank you for sharing your views with me,” I wrote in reply. “I shall endeavour to adopt a more constructive tone in future posts.”

To prove I’m as good as my word, I will now pay homage to an employee of Bank of America, who was given the sack for mooning at his line manager. The act itself is not praiseworthy, of course. The typical human mooner is a vulgar oaf seeking to distract and annoy rather than enlighten. What made this particular exposure of the buttocks noble was the grievance that provoked it. For the man, you see, was protesting against the earlier dismissal of a colleague.

How many humans would be magnanimous enough to present their butt cheeks on behalf of a workmate? Not many, I would say. How moving it would be if another employee now moons to protest against the mooner’s dismissal. It could lead to a chain reaction that continued until half the workforce got fired. Perhaps everyone should have mooned together to make it harder to victimise any individual, like in the final scene of Dead Poet’s Society.

Esteem is not the only positive sentiment that I seek to express in this blog. I have never hesitated to show sympathy for humans who have suffered a misfortune through no fault of their own. This is why I must now draw your attention to an incident involving a German monk, who was found naked in a forest, wandering about haphazardly in a daze.

Before you get the wrong idea, I have no intention of mocking the poor fellow. His denuded and confused condition was the result of mistakenly eating some hallucinogenic berries. As a forest-dwelling primate, I know all too well how eating the wrong kind of fruit can make one lose one's marbles. I remember a gorilla called Mangobuns who ate some berries from a mysterious shrub in the Ngabe district. It caused him to shave off his body hair, jump in the Congo River and attempt to have sex with a crocodile. Fortunately, we managed to fish him out before the crocodile snapped his head off. If a wild gorilla can make a mistake like that, what chance has a monk?

So there you are, my touchy human cousin. I've written a post expressing admiration for one man and sympathy for another. What more do you want? The hair off my back?

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Ugh. What a drip. What good is a public forum like this if you can't vent your spleen and mock humanity a bit, eh?

I just did a paragraph about a guy who climbed into the tiger pit at the Bronx Zoo and was horribly mauled. I'm sure if he had decided to visit the apes instead, he would have been treated with a lot more dignity. Or, perhaps you would have thrown your poop at him. Who knows?
Some people simply have no sense of humor. Thank you for posting that fine photo. What a great ass!!!
I loved Dead Poet's Society! Now maybe the man was wearing some slightly too big pants and forgot his belt that day, so when he bent over they slipped enough to look like he was mooning. Maybe that is what happened. Yea, give him the benefit of the doubt.

My workmates wouldn't give anyone the sweat off their arse let alone moon for anyone.
Dashed odd, sacking a chap like that. On the rare occasions that I visit the offices of Ruddy Empire Bank PLC it is simply a matter of courtesy and routine that they will all bare an ankle or show an ear. Perhaps it's the buttock that signifies submission in the Amercian colonies?

I remember once when I held a commissioned post in one of Her Majesty's lesser-known departments, and there was an incident with a foreign ambassador, a bargepole and a "fundamental" lesson in doing unto others. My line manager's line manager's mine manager invited me into his office and asked me (politely, as they did in those days) whether I agreed that I was unhappy in the post and might appreciate being quietly let go. I said no thank you, and went back to my own office. Nothing more was said. Firings were so much easier to avoid in those days in the department of er, in the offices of um, in service to one's Queen and country.
Excellent stories. I feel like the sacking, mooning, and subsequent further sacking of employees would make excellent fodder for an interpretive dance on the trials of the modern corporate work environment.
I thought in the last scene of Dead Poet's Society, everyone stood on their desk? I am pretty sure of this because it is one of the disappointments of my life, because film critic Roger Ebert ruined the ending for me, which I hold against him to this very day. May Roger Ebert burn in eternal HELLFIRE! I myself am pleased with any kind of feedback I get from readers, good or bad. So, don't take it too hard. "They must hate you before they love you, and once they love you, they will hate you forever, " as Lord Throckmorton Fungusleaves once said.
I think the world is in need of some “heartless mockery” – not only does it keep us humble, it makes us laugh. And you do it with such finesse.
Just don’t mock me…please...?? ;)

Mr UB: Gorillas would have reacted in the same way as Noel Coward when he found Michael Caine in his cubicle in The Italian Job. We don't like having our personal space invaded, but we behave with more hauteur than tigers.

Keeping it real: If he took orders from me, I'd send him to your tent.

Rose: You are too generous, Rose. I believe he confessed.

Steve: How mean of them. Maybe you could break the ice by giving them some of your arse sweat?

The Owl Wood: Enough of your faux innocence - mooning was invented in Scotland! Your Civil Service anecdote is wholly credible, by contrast.

Ms Ninja: Interpretive dance, eh? Is that the sort of thing you see in experimental theatre? I feel a need to broaden my education.

Jimmy: They also mooned, Jimmy, but the film ended before they got to that point. I appreciate feedback too. It gives me something to respond to.

Beth: I would never mock you, Beth. Well, not unless you did something extremely mockable!
gosh, i remember years and years ago when it was predicted that the internet would bring enlightenment and compassion to the human spirit. i've always found your posts to be celebrating the human spirit with all it's foibles and dreams.

foibles r us.
poor gorilla. but i cant help but wonder the cross between King Kong and Croc.
This came up in a search for "interpretive dance." I confess I now feel more educated about drug use among science students in the 70s than about protein synthesis.
"What more do you want? The hair off my back?"

Yes please, I need a new shaving brush and I can't find any badgers.
Dear GB;

In my eternal search for authenticity and demn Yank sincerity I have encounted many things, but this is my first time meeting a shrimp-eating gorilla. Let me hasten to assure you that the dishwashing liquid mentioned in my prior post is of course entirely organic in some galaxy or another and that I will save it's victims for your delectation since I prefer prawns to shrimp.

Hairless? You haven't been playing with TSB's sticky appliances have you? Now if you'll just squeal like a pig....
Billy: Thank you, Billy, I had similar hopes for internet... as well as the dream of fostering primate unity.

Jaya: Let's hope we never see such a terrifying monster in our lifetimes, Jaya.

Ms Ninja: I am indebted to you, Ms Ninja. It all looks very trippy to me. Have you ever met students like that?

T S Bastard: I'll send you some clippings in the post. Don't harass any badgers, they've got enough problems as it is.

Jacqueline: Hello and welcome, Jacqueline. I wrote "shrimp" because I thought it was the American word for "prawn". Are they different? I only mentioned them because insects have a similar texture and taste, as you would know if you'd eaten any of the roaches you've exterminated. (P.S. I'm not hairless, you're confusing me with Mangobuns.)
This must be a No animals were harmed in the writing of this post except for the poor fellow who was shaved at the end, poor guy! :) Hoping it's not hot where he's at, he'll be itchy for quite awhile! Anyway it doesn't matter what you write, I always enjoy reading your postings!
Maybe that particular employee didn't have great ass.. It must have clearly disgusted the employer.. I'm sure no employer would say no to a sexy ass show by an employee.. Why, my college principal refused to suspend a student who showed off his sexy baby-cute ass in a public function!

Hellooooo GB! I for one am very touched by solicitude demonstrated towards your less hirsute near relatives.

But I am confused about one thing: where did your friend Mangobuns find sufficient razors to shave his entire body. For me, a quick shave of the old beard renders a blade blunt and useless. How ever many would be needed to shave an entire gorilla???
Gossip girl: Thanks, GG. You'll be happy to hear that Mangobuns made a full recovery.;)

Runaway bride: What a broad-minded college principal you had, Miss Runaway. You sound as if you've developed a taste for the rump yourself. Do you prefer them muscular or soft-and-bouncy?

Jon: Razors could never manage a job like that, Jon. I believe he borrowed a machete from the local witch doctor.
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