Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Travelling light

I’m back in the Congo after a somewhat disturbing flight home. I don’t mean, by this, that there were any apprehensions of an aeronautic complexion. No aircraft I’ve ever flown in has dared to misbehave when I was on board. Before the plane took off, I had my customary chat with the captain:

“Rest assured that we gorillas have very sensitive ears,” I said. “I can hear what’s going on in the cockpit from first class, and will be ready to assist if anything untoward happens. I won’t hesitate to pin down your co-pilot if he has a fit or explodes in a mutinous rage. Never forget what happened to Captain Bligh!”

“I’m sure that won’t be necessary,” replied the captain with a nervous grin. “Why not just put on the headphones and enjoy the in-flight entertainment. You get a great choice of films in first class.”

“Maybe I’ll watch the screen without wearing headphones,” I mused. “I’m a fairly good lip-reader as it happens.”

Now, some of you might have guessed that I couldn’t really hear inside the cockpit. I told the captain this white lie to discourage him from playing hookey while the plane was on autopilot. Most aviation accidents are caused by “human error”, which is a polite way of saying that the captain and first officer were looking at girlie magazines or playing tiddlywinks when the warning lights began to flash. That sort of arsing about is not acceptable when I am a passenger.

Anyway, the captain was right about the great choice of movies in first class. As I rarely read film reviews, I asked the stewardess for her recommendation.

“How about The Reader?” she said. “Kate Winslet got an Oscar in that one.”

“Kate Winslet is my favourite actress!” I exclaimed. “A hundred thanks for your excellent suggestion!”

Long-standing readers of this blog will remember the eulogies I have penned for Miss Winslet. As well as being an accomplished thespian, her body is of a shape that we gorillas can appreciate (in a wholly non-sexual way). Curvaceous hips; luscious thighs; breasts that look as if they’re ready for milking. The human female doesn’t get better than that.

So I settled down to watch the film and was pleased to see Kate rolling around naked in the early scenes, albeit partially obscured by the annoying whelp who was trying to mate with her. When I eventually got a good view of Kate’s body in its entirely, I bit my lip in disappointment. The succulence of her flesh was much diminished, obviously because of some accursed diet she’d been following.

On the way home from the airport, the manager of the safari camp attempted to explain this anomaly:

“She was playing a war criminal, so her normal full figure wouldn’t have worked,” he said. “Evil women are supposed to look bony-arsed.”

“Fiddlesticks!” I exclaimed. “Fans of Kate have certain expectations of a movie in which she stars. If they wanted a bony-arsed woman, they should have given the part to Gwyneth Paltrow!”

The manager sucked his teeth and nodded.

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first off, welcome back :) Second, I just watched that movie on flix, it was a very good view...I hadn't noticed her being skinny, probably because I was so taken by her acting and the plot...I will have to give it another view :)
Welcome back! Hope you enjoyed yourself-wherever you were. ;)

I like Kate Winslet a lot. I have yet to see all of that film though. It can be hard to watch movies like that with kids around. There's always someone milling about...

Did you have a good vacation? Where do japing apes go to escape the jungle?
Kate Winslet....Titanic....Rose's boobies.
Doesn't really matter if that ship sank.
We saw Rose's boobies.
And, for that, Kate is one of my favorite actresses.
I agree, GB. Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't hold a candle to Kate Winslet.

Welcome back.
Hey! I just met someone from your neck of the woods. Well.. she's here in Canada visiting from England anyhow. I think she said she lives in "Midlands"????

Anyhow.. I just kept saying things like.. "Where's me fags?" and "I've got to go home and get me Hoover out" because let's face it .. I don't speak British very well.
She laughed. I think she was laughing AT me though. :)

are you sure kate wasn't using a body double for the adult scenes? perhaps everything is still intact.
I was reading in the hopes that you would thwart a terrorist attack by banging your chest and ripping an arm out of a socket. Still, I must commend you in your taste of film and poo throwing.
I am in two minds about humans as airline food. If they're boney then it helps with the butchering but if they're plump then they are self-basting. I don't know, maybe cook one of each together, tied together with string?

Seasoning can be such a problem too when you're not allowed an open fire and have to recreate that lovely smokey charcoal taste.
I'm reliably informed that Gwyneth can such a Lego brick up a straw... or at least just sucks but you are right about Kate. The body perfect... though not when it has been compromised by the Atkins diet.
Monkey man: I wouldn't say she was skinny, but she'd lost a lot of the curvature she had in Holy Smoke. Did you see her in that one?

Laura: Hi Laura. The sex scenes are actually quite tasteful - you could use them as a sex education video. The Midlands is a region of England whose inhabitants speak with comical accents. Barbarous expressions such as "me fags" and "me Hoover" are heard all over England. Consult Steve, below, for further information.

Crazy Mama: I visited several places in Europe, Crazy Mama, keeping well away from the Olympic circus.

Al: I never bothered to see that film, because it seemed like a hell of a long time to watch a ship sink. I'm glad you enjoyed Kate's boobies - I prefer a more holistic perspective.

Robyn: Hi Robyn. Gwynnie's a fine actress, of course, but I prefer looking at Kate.

Billy: Her face seemed to in view at the same time as her body, but maybe they did it very skilfully.

Dr Ken: Terrorists are thankfully as rare as the white rhino in the places I frequent. And the poo-throwing I do is mainly metaphorical.

The Owl Wood: The skills you describe have been extinct in your part of the world for thousands of years. Perhaps you should advertise for volunteers to experiment on. I believe there are humans who have such fantasies.

Steve: I doubt even a baby warthog could suck that hard. The Atkins diet was invented by lions and is the cause of their halitosis.
Well, I really don't know what to say. I had a crush on Kate Winslet too. I liked her character in "Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" or whatever that movie was that she was in with Jim Carrey. I kind of doubt that her, or her character would talk to me in real life though. You are free to pine after her though, Gorilla Bananas. I am sure human women would date gorillas if they were readily available, and were allowed inside dance I'm sure you could get in.
The thought of an ape getting all giddy for Kate Winslet just makes me laugh. She does like to peel her clothes off, doesn't she? I believe her husband directed her in one of the films where she appears nude. I couldn't handle that. I'm too possessive.

Paltrow is gross. Ick factor x 200.
Well i hope she gets curvy again and doesn't follow the usual celebrity fad of 'super thin is sexy' cos it' aint! Would you recommend the film otherwise GB? At least you know the pilot wasn't getting distracted by her lacking curves!
So ....I gather are a boob ape.
You do write about boobs alot....GB....just sayin.
My favorite Kate movie, is THE HOLIDAY
Reading the comments from the human men on your blog ...i give up on knowing what men like....
Now......I guess i will have a donut with my coffee instead of an egg white...
I totally agree. Whatever happened to the lucious fleshy women of my youth.
Was there ever a teenager of the 60s who didnt have an inevitable physiological reaction when looking at Raquel Welch, Sophia Loren, or even (requiring steel undies to restrain the reaction) Gina Lollobrigida?
Oh, the movie sucks. Except for the sinking part (hope I didn't give away the ending). But, that's the beauty of owning it on DVD. You can zip right to the part with Rose's boobies.
And again.
I see you have lots of humans wittering on, many even offering you lots of hugs (I do make a point of patting my hounds every now and then) but I really do need your advice.

Marcia says she is in her 'Periodo Fertil', some jungle bunny language meaning, as far as I can tell, she is up for it but I haven't finished my book yet or the excellent chunk of Stilton my brother brought out for me complete with a bottle of more than passable port.

So what should I do? I am rather fond of her by the way but as a fellow West African veteran, I am sure you can appreciate the allure of a decent slab of cheese on a water biscuit washed down by fortified wine.
For some strange reason after reading this posting I thought about John Lithgow in the Twilight Zone movie, when he went crazy after seeing a lady on the wing of the plane. :) I don't think it was Kate Winslet in the movie though. :) And- Of course even a joke of this kind on a plane can get you a TSA colonscopy and placed on a DNF list. In real life that, would have been the entertainment of the flight! :)
Jimmy: I wouldn't say I have a crush on Kate. I admire her in the same way I admire a beautiful landscape. 'Eternal Sunshine' was a weirdly impressive movie. Wasn't there a prettier actress than Kate in it? I may be wrong.

Mr UB: Few things make me giddy, amigo, I have a pretty good head for heights. Just as well you didn't marry Kate. She would have made you feel like a beta male.

Juliette: Yes, I'd recommend the film, Jules. A bit gloomy, but very well acted.

Reality Jayne: I mentioned her hips and thighs before her boobs, Jayne! Forget about the donut and do a lot of butt exercises. Exercising the butt is the main thing.

TS Bastard: I'm glad you mentioned La Lollo! Last time I checked she was being squired by a man 30 years her junior. No more than she deserves!

Al: Wouldn't you get bored of seeing nothing but boobs? Maybe you should acquire a taste for other things.

Hippo: When a female indicates she's in oestrus, you either service her yourself or watch her run off with another male. That's how it works in the jungle, anyway.

Gossip girl: I did a post in December 2010 about the TSA victimising a busty young lady at Orlando Airport. It's about time freedom-loving Americans rebelled against those monsters.
Ape Man, thought as much. But you do twenty years in Angola and the cheese and port starts to look good.
Gwyneth Paltrow isn't that skinny is she? She didn't seem that bad in Iron man.
welcome back GB.
hahha. i agree with you on Kate's body. a true female figure. of course, in recent years, she has become too skinny.
I haven't watched The Reader but i just watched The Holiday (again!!!) and i am soo in love with Kate Winslet. I love how she is all woman and proud of it! And i never quite realized just how beautiful she is until The Holiday...flawless!
Glad you arrived back safely... I have read The Reader, knowing Kate was to play the part... it really helped the imagination... I seem to have a weakness for Kate in any

: )x
I love your blog! I used to be the bony type but as I'm aging, I'm becoming fuller figured. So glad the gorillas will like me more :)
Hippo: Maybe eat the cheese and port afterwards as a reward.

Dwei: I haven't seen her recently. If she's filled out, I beg her pardon.

Jaya: You mean she's made herself permanently thin? I'm only going to watch her old movies now!

Ninja: She still had a few curves in that one, Saby! I loved seeing her act with Eli Wallach, who was acting in Westerns before she was born.

Hannah: Glad to hear you can admire the ladies as well as the men, Hannah. Does that mean you're bi-curious? I hope it does!

Trina: Hello and welcome, Trina. Nice to know you're moving in the right direction!
Mmmm, I like women... I mean, I appreciate beautiful women... erm, in any form... but not sure if this indeed makes me bi-curious...not sure I'd enjoy myself 'thoroughly' with lady alone... in 'that kind' of way... : )x
I don't think you need to enjoy yourself thoroughly to be bi-curious, Hannah. Just a bit of necking, as it used to be called!
Oh yes Eli was just lovely to watch!!! The chemistry between the two was very heartwarming....*sigh*....i think i have to watch the movie again :)
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