Monday, August 13, 2012

Sermon on the hump

A German pastor has attracted a lot of publicity by holding services which celebrate “the divine element of physical love” (as he puts it).

“There is no life without eroticism and no life without God,” he announced in a rapturous sermon. “My backside, my hands, my tongue, my penis, my earlobes are the landing spots of love.”

The man clearly has a gift for language, but his obsession about his landing spots seems unhealthy to me. A pastor who only has eyes for his own erogenous zones will inevitably neglect the needs of his flock. There seem to be a lot of elderly women in his congregation, so maybe he expects them to oblige him without asking for anything in return. That would be sinful – a man of the cloth should give as well as receive.

The German press were disappointed by the absence of practical demonstrations in his service, and his failure to use dirty words like “bumsen”. There’s no pleasing some people. They should have realised what a breakthrough it was for the word “penis” to be uttered in a church without molten lead being poured into the mouth of the utterer. This will surely open the door for words like “nipple” and “labia” to be used in sermons glorifying the divine aspects of foreplay.

When I mentioned this story to the manager of the safari camp, he scratched his chin pensively.

“All credit to the man for trying something different, but I don’t think it will gain him new followers,” he said. “People who want to combine sex with religion worship gods who encourage them to run around naked and have orgies. Christianity is for the guilty; paganism is for the horny.”

He had a point. I doubt this pastor would impress my friend Kola Boof, high priestess of the Nubian bare-titty movement. She remained true to her “womanist” beliefs even after bin Laden kidnapped her and forced her to wear a burkha (so he could rip it off every night). She is now a published writer and poet, with thousands of Facebook followers who hang on her every word.

Kola’s latest pearl of wisdom is that men who have sex with black women find their penises grow longer. Could this be true? I suppose it might be if black women have coochies like vacuum pumps, which stretch whatever’s inside them. But wouldn’t that make sex with them rather painful?

The problem with Kola is that she’s awfully racist, always going on about the finer qualities of black skin, and calling white men who criticise her “jealous bitches”. She ought to realise that racial differences between humans are barely perceptible to a gorilla. We judge our hairless cousins by qualities that really matter, like the shape of their rumps. You don’t get to have a firm and meaty tush unless you’ve been doing exercises that prepare you for jungle living.

I’ll explain this to Kola the next time I see her. She won't like hearing it, but that’s what friends are for.

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so her vajay jay is like those penis pumps I've seen advertised? I bet she could market that into a income :)

I give him props for having the balls to "preach" it like he sees it, or feels it,whatever the case may be...growing up as a pastors kid I can't say I ever heard the word penis mentioned in a sermon...bravo! :)
I bet once the press is gone, practical demonstrations involving landing spots will ensue. It's what the old ladies have been waiting for.

Our choir mistress must have been highly impressed by the Vicar's willy - she kept giving us all lectures about avoiding it and how we should never linger in the vestry.

Is it really true that women are, um, well - built differently? Binky Blenkinsop in the fourth form swore he'd seen the dorm matron changing for hockey once but he never said any more, he just wandered around in a daze and looked shocked and haunted. Joined the French Foreign Lesion straight after Cambridge, married his camel.

I really must nip down to the stables one day and check with the grooms. The memsahib employs quite a few and one often hears her down there on a Sunday morning, preaching (shouting oh god, oh god, oh god).
Anyone crowing proudly about their "landing spots of love" is plainly asking for a facial.
The pastor should get a new job. He's probably well qualified as a pimp, and as a man of religion, he'll be used to spreading lies and fairy stories.

I honestly thought that Kola Boof was a deranged figment of your hominid imgination, and I was really shocked to fnd she's (almost) true.

How can a male be a "bitch"? (apart from prison obviously)
How does the simian world feel about having their backsides being a landing spot?

I fucked a hoover and it was a terrible experience. No discernible difference in size afterwards. Just a lot of redness and embarrassment.

Look at that. I'm under the Scottish Bastard.
Monkey Man: Yes, it takes a lot of balls to say 'penis' in church. Kola's vag had something done to it that made it irresistable to bin Laden. It's another thing she always likes to tell people.

Robyn: They do look very pleased with themselves, don't they Robyn? It must be the pleasure of anticipation.

The Owl Wood: Why not check with the memsahib herself? She doesn't seem like the bashful type.

Steve: If only those ladies could give him one.

TS Bastard: Kola Boof is 100% real, Mr Bastard, I could show you our email correspondence. A man becomes a bitch if he insults or contradicts Kola. Try it yourself and you'll find out what I mean.

Mr UB: Hah, I can tell you're making diversionary remarks to hide the fact you've been pondering Kola Boof in considerable shock and awe! At least Mr Bastard had the courage to mention her by name!
Gee whiz, Gorilla Bananas. I would think you were making this stuff up until I actually check out the articles and see that it's all real. Though I wouldn't be so sure that mingling sex talk with Christianity will turn off parishioners. There are all kinds of crazy religions out there. For example, Abraham Fungus Jr. is a member of the Universal Church of the Cosmic Light People.
OMG FUNNY! But I don't think pastors have penis' under their robes. At least I never thought of it. Ewww now you've ruined church. I'll never look at Pastor Brad again!!
i think father ted may have made a few references to ladie's naughty bits. i'm certain father jack made many references to naughty bits.

feck, arse, drink.......
Well, this is a church that I could join! Unfortunately, the guy looks like a bit of a wiener. And yeah.. the old broads are freaking me out! ;p
Perhaps you should start your own church. Gorilla on woman love. That would be different!
All hail paganism!!!!

It is quite amazing to me that at this day and age, priests still find it so taboo to talk about if the very mention of the word will encourage people to run around and engage in illicit sex! Not that there's anything wrong with fact i would do it just to see the priests squirm. Hee hee

Me thinks i should start a new religion (if there isn't one already!) that wholly (hee hee) worships the bum. Lord knows my poor behind isn't the landing spot for any sort of love, so perhaps this will change all that :)
That's probably something Kola made up to trick men into sleeping with her. But I'll give it a try just in case . . .
Jimmy: Can Cosmic Light People have sex? They sound like holograms, which can't have sex unless they're on the holodeck of the Enterprise. Check out the links on Kola Boof as well. Maybe you should invite her to give a guest lecture.

Crazy Mama: I bet Pastor Brad has a stiffy whenever he looks into your eyes, Crazy Mama. Why do you think he wears robes?

Billy: Talking about ladies' naughty bits is more in keeping with Christianity than talking about your own. Less egocentric.

Laura: Haha, Laura! If you were a member of his congregation he'd probably show you his wiener! Gorilla on woman love is illegal in the Congo, but thanks for suggesting it.

Ninja: There's nothing wrong with your bum, Saby. It just needs regular massages and spankings to keep it well toned.

Dr Ken: Kola actually prefers dicks which are on the small side. Have a look at the comments in the Facebook link.
'Christianity is for the guilty; paganism is for the horny' - well said! I guess that makes me Pagan hahaha. ; )x
Talking like this, he's clearly not a Catholic priest.
Oh wait. I may be sounding a bit naive.
Incidentally, I've often thought sex and religion are related. How many times do you hear, "Oh, God! Oh, God!"?
Is that her official statement about Bin Laden's manliness?
I don't know if that was a rhetorical question, but Abraham Fungus Jr. told me if he let me in on any of the secrets of the church, I would either have to become a member,or he would have to kill me. I did check out the links on the Koala chick, mainly because at first I thought you were joking. I didn't know devout fundamentalist Muslims were even allowed to have mistresses. I knew Bin Laden was a hypocrite, but I thought he at least gave it the old college try to stay vaguely inside the rules of Islam.
He stole that idea from ancient popes
Gorilla: So she sleeps with the men with small things until they grow bigger through her theory that humping Black women makes it bigger? So then she dumps them and moves onto another small wang guy, since that is what she prefers? Fascinating . . .
Hannah: I wouldn't have believed you were anything else, Hannah. I think you'd make the perfect dryad!

Al: You're right there. Catholic priests are definitely not into older women. If the Pope made love to an older woman he'd be a practising necrophiliac.

Deborah: Her views on bin Laden's manliness are expressed here, Deb.

Jimmy: The laws of Islam may not be as clear-cut as you think, Jimmy. I'm sure bin Laden thought he was perfectly within his rights to boink Kola.

Adam: But who did the Popes steal it from?

Dr Ken: It's not as simple as that, Dr Ken, because she says her cooch is different from that of the typical black woman. Apparently, something pretty gross was done to it was she was a child. And then bin Laden kidnapped her, so she didn't have a choice.
I am really confused by this and I hope this spreads to the States.

Be interesting to see what the media there thinks of it.
Dear Mr Bananas, I was just wondering whether you had seen this?
Dwei: I'm not sure the idea will travel well. The Germans are a law unto themselves in many social activities.

Hippo: Monkeys don't need money to behave like whores. The promise of food is usually enough to make them submit.
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