Monday, August 27, 2012

A towering achievement

I’m feeling a little sorry for Henrik Rummel, the US Olympic rower who was photographed on the podium with a raging stiffy. Overcome with embarrassment, he foolishly tried to deny the obvious in an interview with a celebrity gossip site. One might say his performance was predictably wooden. I couldn’t resist showing the podium picture to the manager of the safari camp.

“If that isn’t a boner, the sausage I ate for breakfast was a noodle,” he said.

For once, I had to agree with him. What Rummel should have done was brazen it out. Instead of getting his girlfriend to back up his flimsy evasions, he should have used her as an excuse for his unplanned turgidity. Suppose he had responded to the picture with the following statement:

“I guess my brain was thinking about the medal I won, but my Johnson was thinking about Melinda’s hooters.”

He would have come across as a cool dude rather than a dissembling nitwit.

Public relations is an art I mastered in my circus days. The rules I followed were: (i) answer all your fan mail; (ii) ignore all your hate mail; (iii) cultivate your image by disseminating titbits of personal information. The unwashed human masses love hearing quirky snippets of news about the celebrities they revere. Here are a couple of facts about myself I released through carefully chosen media outlets:

Gorilla Bananas has a bust of Lord Nelson in his trailer.

Gorilla Bananas can play ‘A Hard Day’s Night’ on his recorder.

Needless to say, my fans lapped it up like cream from the she-elephant’s udders. As I grew more media savvy, I cashed in on the product placement scam by feeding the press headlines such as:

Gorilla Bananas uses Harmony Hairspray.

Few of the Olympic medal-winners possess such skills, which is why they tend to make a hash of their public pronouncements. Even Usain Bolt, who is used to being in the limelight, sounded like a bit of a dick after winning the 100 metres. If I were Bolt’s manager, I’d tell him to avoid all unscripted interviews and project his persona solely in TV commercials.

“Be realistic, Bolty,” I would say to him. “A professional scriptwriter will feed you far better lines than anything you could say when speaking off the cuff.”

Bolt would probably be too arrogant to follow my advice, but at least I’d have the satisfaction of knowing I’d done my job whenever he yammered away like a jackass.

Some Olympic medal-winners are so jejune in their public statements that it actually makes you like them more. This is what Helen Glover, the 26-year-old British rowing champion, said to the BBC during her victory parade in Cornwall:

"Oh my God, I'm so excited and the rain's stopped, so that's good. I said I wasn't going to cry at all, but I did, once.”

Heh, what a sweet little girl! One has an avuncular urge to buy her an ice-cream and take her to the funfair.

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Ha. First. You've got to get up pretty early in the morning, etc.

Years ago, I was visiting the Cleveland Zoo and a monkey swung to the front of the cage and began masturbating. I was unimpressed with his member. Qute thin, if I recall.

Bolt is a twat. All that he accomplished and I haven't one iota of respect for him.
I always make a joke when I have unexpected wood ;)
Haha. Love that I come to blogger for the first time in ages and you are top of my newsfeed.

I can play the national anthem on a recorder, should've offered my services to the olymplic comittee really. Still I am hoping to get tickets for the paralymplics so I might just have to take it with me.
I think the other guys that didn't get boners while receiving their medals should be embarrassed. Shame on them for not being more excited.
I agree with PTM. The others should've risen to the occasion to save Rummel and themselves from disgrace. And they call themselves Olympic athletes?

LOL. i also have to agree with PTM and Robyn. where is the excitement.
Would have been a spectacular Kodak moment in the original sans-vetements O'Lympics.

The gentleman in question is to be applauded for his display of atheletic virility - Her Majesty Lizzie turned to me during the ceremony and whispered that she was thinking of giving him one. of either a Knighthood or a room-a-terre at the palace.

Usain Shot-His-Bolt - what a berk.
Mr UB: I heard that Asafa Powell is still the most popular sprinter in Jamaica in spite of Bolt's achievements. I think that monkey was sending you a message.

Monkey man: Hah, I'd like to hear it! I doubt even Bob Hope had a joke for that contingency.

Dirty Cowgirl: Welcome back to Blogland, Ms Cowgirl. I'm delighted to hear you're a fellow recorderist and would love to be entertained with your full repertoire.

PTM: All 4 of them with a boner would have been better than synchronised swimming. I wonder if Teddy Roosevelt got a boner when he heard the national anthem?

Robyn: Don't be too hard on them, Robyn, they might have been looking at some fat dude with a beer belly in the crowd. Did I just say 'hard on them'? Yes, I think I did.

Jaya: Maybe taking Viagra before the medal ceremony is the answer for those lacking in patriotic zeal.

The Owl Wood: Yes, it's a pity you weren't there with your vintage equipment, recording these uplifting moments for posterity. I doubt the Queen was impressed - she's toured Africa on many occasions.
Looking at that first photo... where the hell has he hidden his other oar?
Ice cream doesn't even come into it...well, not often.
Certainly looks like a stiffy to me, though perhaps not one that has achieved full elevation. The man must be a nitwit - he's holding a boquet of flowers that would easily cover his lack of sang-froid.
I don't know which is worse.
The fact that he wasn't the ONLY one who was...shall we say...gifted.
The fact that I noticed within 5 seconds.
I'm gonna go put on a porno now.
I don't understand what the big deal is. I mean I really don't see what the big deal is at all. Seems like a small hurdle to overcome really... Not tiny or anything, but certainly not big.
There once was a time it would be considered rude to mention a public boner. Heck, there once was a time it was considered rude to have a public boner. Well, I think the following video shows the best way to deal with it:
Steve: In the words of the late Frankie Howerd, "Flattery will get you nowhere".

TS Bastard: I take it you're a candy floss man, then?

Jon: He used that as an argument in his denial, saying he would have used the bouquet if he'd really had one. I didn't buy it.

Al: Your powers of observation must have been sharpened by all the porn-watching you've done.

Angie: Look where it's pointing, Angie. It hasn't yet reached the stratosphere, but it's definitely heading in the right direction.

Jimmy: There was once a time when the men would have put their hands over the ladies' eyes. In your You Tube clip, they just revelled in their embarrassment.
are you sure he wasn't wearing his black russian cod piece?
What's the big deal? I just don't think that he should be publicly embarrassed.
What is it with men and the last taboo? You can't hold a man responsible for a blood rush more than a woman's nipples standing erect. For all the world to see. So? It happens. After all, I might just be very cold. And my blouse is thin. And anyway: You should look me in the face. Not up and down.

Pass me the banana. Please. I need some potassium.

If he'd done Mr Bolt's lightning stance on the podium, it would have been his forever.

Not really. I actually thought they were the "pole" vaulting team.
Comedy Check: did I really need to place quotations around 'pole'?
I'm just kidding. I know they're not from Poland.
Hey, winning a Gold Medal is something that is more exciting that any of us know. Who knows how your body will react?

It's exciting, damn it . . .

Billy: I believe only bishops are allowed to wear them as a mark of their piety.

Gina Gao: Well, Miss, embarrassment is one of those emotions you can't control. A bit like erections, in fact.

Ursula: Men don't have a convenient alibi - people just assume they're having lustful thoughts. I'm glad you're more understanding - a crate of the Congo's finest is on it's way to you.

The Jules: That would have been more embarrassing than a stiffy - and Bolt might have sued him.

Al: Is that a pole in your pants or are you just pleased to be out of Russia?

Dr Ken: He'd only won a bronze medal, Dr Ken. Doesn't that make the girlfriend-hooter theory look more plausible?
Ah, shame. The poor chap didn't seem to notice...or surely he'd hold the bunch of flowers in front of it... Quite cute too : )))) x
Oh my favorite Gorilla (I know a few)... I can't believe you would reveal your secret recipe de brilliance to the masses. Although I guess no one could really duplicate you GB (though many have tried). It felt like coming home today as I was reading your wonderful brand of satire... If only your trailer were a little closer ;) xoxo Mistress
i remember reading an article about you in a celebrity rag a few years back, now what was it called? oh yes:

Gorilla Bananas Found Facedown And With A Snootful Of Cocaine In Lap Of Russian Lap Dancer!

look, there's the product placement right there...
Hannah: He'll get over it, Hannah. Erections never last forever.

Auri: Welcome back, Auri. I keep my most intimate secrets for special friends like you.

Kage: That's a damned lie, Ms Kage! Did they say what my face was facing down on?
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