Friday, July 13, 2012

Vive La Barbe!

When I heard that French feminists were wearing false beards to promote their cause, I clapped my feet and hooted for joy. What a brilliant way of mocking arrogant men who flaunt their masculinity by growing whiskers and speaking in deep voices, as if they were Father Goose or The Jolly Green Giant. If any men dare to belittle them now, they can just scratch their fake beards and say “Ho hum, suck my bum”.

A lot of humans make the mistake of assuming we gorillas respect bearded men because of our own hirsute condition. How wrong they are! The great apes have an even coating of body hair which protects their skin and keeps them cosy. The beard, by contrast, is merely an ornamental tuft. It serves no purpose other than to give men a goatish appearance and hide the zits on their chin. You could argue that it also acts as a bib, but this isn’t a function their wearers are keen emphasize. I'll never forget the Norwegian tourist who went for a jungle hike with a cornflake stuck in his beard. How everyone laughed!

When I mentioned this story to the manager of the safari camp, he shrugged his shoulders scornfully:

“Better fake beards than fake penises,” he said. “No man wants to be chased by a feminist mob wearing strap-ons. Those angry bitches wouldn’t even use lube.”

I grunted sceptically at his misogynist conception.

“As if they haven’t got better things to do than violate your tight little bottom pussy,” I observed. “You must have a very guilty conscience to believe that raping you is high on their list of priorities.”

“I never said it was,” he retorted. “It’s just something they might do for fun in-between all their cursing and plotting.”

“You are an ignoramus and a reactionary!” I declared, before strolling off to the jungle for a grooming from my females.

Contrary to manager’s malicious sniping, these French feminists are proper ladies and much nicer than their Anglo-Saxon counterparts. Their spokesperson is a woman called Colette Coffin, who’s a foxy-looking chick with or without the false whiskers. Their plan of action is to confront male-dominated institutions by gate-crashing their functions and arguing their cause. They do this while donning their beards, although Colette wears a threadbare one for ease of communication:

"I've got a much bushier one, but this has a wider hole so I can talk without getting too much fluff in my mouth," she explained.

Being a chivalrous and tender-hearted gorilla, I sent Collette a message of support, and was delighted to receive the following reply:

Monsieur Bananas

Thank you so much for your sympathetic words. You say the female is your partner and friend, whether she is ape or human. This grand sentiment is a lesson for humanity from the noble mouth of the gorilla! We are proud to accept you as our comrade!

Yes, I shave my underarm. Why do you ask?

Cordial regards


What do you think? Was she just being polite, or does she really want me to affiliate?

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The whole idea of donning fake beards is ridiculous. There is more to being male than the ability to grow a beard. If these women want to inflitrate male dominated arenas more completely they need to learn how to piss up a wall, buy cars that compensate for the size of their genitals and be really shit at DIY.
Go on! Affiliate! I dare you! : )

I always wondered what is it with young man trying to achieve by growing the bush on their faces!? Makes sense now... x
Those women should just keep the beards on their clams where they belong.
PETA would have a field day with this group.
You are always very hard on that manager of your safari camp. I don't care what you have seen on Oprah, Gorilla Bananas..being a male human is not necessarily an easy task. Neither is growing a beard for that matter. (At least, for some of us.) I'd like to see how far these stuck up broads would get with their little beard wearing protest if they lived under the Taliban. Maybe then they would learn to appreciate all the perks of polite French society... like French fries, and French dressing.
If you want to figure up the math....
The decline of our society, is kinda on track with these wackettes....that want to be men and dispise the traditional female role..just sayin....but i am just a dumb primative human, afterall..
i've met several ladies in my lifetime who would be doing the world a favor by hiding their faces behind beards.
Steve: Could a car ever compensate for the size of a woman's genitals? Surely they'd need a coach or a lorry. Or maybe I'm confused about what women feel insecure about.

Hannah: You dare me, Hannah? You make it sound like affiliating is risky. What could happen to me?

Keeping it real: That might make sense if they had goatees, but those fulsome ones might get plenty itchy in the clam zone. What does a woman do about the itchy problem?

Gossip girl: Because they think that mocking bearded men is cruelty to animals? It's time they stopped hijacking causes that don't belong to them.

Jimmy: You make a good point about the Taliban, Jimmy, they would have zero tolerance for beard mocking. On the other hand, all the women are doing is expressing themselves freely in the free republic of France. Men who can't handle that are Taliban in spirit and pussies too.

Groovy girl: I'm sure they don't really want to be men, Miss Groovy. Haven't you ever teased a guy by mimicking him?

Billy: They have my sympathy, whoever they are. Maybe wearing a veil would have been a better alternative.
That must explain why the old lady next door has a full on David Belamy(a close friend of yours I presume) beard. I always thought it was hormonal! Now I know she is supporting French Feminists....She also wears a turban like dirty green hat....Should I call M.I.5?
Did you really send her a message? Wasn't she to proud to answer a male primate like you?

I think it's a very good way of protesting. It's ridiculous, different and visible so that everybody sees it and is focusing on what they want to tell. It's so much different from the feminists I know, which yell "MEN ARE EVIL! WE WANT EQUALITY! FUCK MEN'S DOMINATION!" while walking around the parliament. This doesn't include Ukrainian feminists, which go topless and nobody later knows what they wanted :D
May I please steal "Ho hum, suck my bum?" I don't think it's made its way to New York City and it's very clever. Colette Coffin is obviously a pseudonym. There's no way a parent would actually name their child "Colette Coffin." BOY, do you have a lot to learn! Ha! What a gullible ape! A credit to your species.
I second that safari camp manager!!! You are a crazy ape!!!
Dear Gorilla, so glad you found me. I do like my men funny and hirusite. Gives one something to hold onto during the ride.

I am all with Steve. I too am deeply suspicious of men who 'compensate' by doctoring their exhaust pipes. Since size is everything make mine a double Lamborghini. Preferably clean shaven.

Ha, I say wear those beards long and proud girls! The bigger and more bush, the better....after all hidden in every fella is a size queen ;)
Joe Bloggs: I suggest you give the beard a tug before jumping to conclusions about your neighbour's gender and political stance. You may need to move home if the beard is genuine.

Crawler: I think she was more touched than proud. Someone should interview the Ukrainian feminists to find out what they really want.

Mr UB: You may use the phrase with proper accreditation. Colette Coffin only sounds like a joke name in English - if you'd bothered to click on the link you would have found out it was genuine. Your anglophone arrogance is what I would expect of a New Yorker.

Crazy Mama: The manager of the safari camp is a sexist dinosaur, Crazy Mama. It disappoints me that you take his side of the argument.

Ursuala: Hello and welcome, Ursula. I like my females sharp-tongued and opinionated, so I'm sure we'll get on like a house on fire. Steve is a bearded writer who has a habit of sucking up to women by adopting politically correct attitudes. I wouldn't pay much attention to him if I were you.

Monkey Man: I don't know what a "size queen" is, but I agree with the rest of your comment.
Dude, I've never tagged you. I was thanking you for being a regular commenter on my site! Read a little more carefully next time.
They don't make any message except "We are weird" (in French). Then again, the one on the far left looks rather natural in a beard.

Hmmm. I get what they are doing, and yet I always worry that silliness takes away form the message. And personally, I don't want to look like a man, even in protest.
what I meant by size queen(a term my much younger bro uses, I suppose Im a bit old and past the cool stage to use it) is that men, at least most men judge by size, be it the flat screen tv, the size of their boat, girlfriends boods or the size of their dick, most guys think bigger is in my thinking, I was saying wear those beards, the bigger the better to get the attention of the men you want to get your point across :)
i wonder if they could get a bearded lady from a freak show to join the cause. that would give the movement some legitimacy.
My daughters are fascinated by la barbe (interesting that "beard" is a feminine noun in French, as is "penis") and look forward to involving themselves with the movement. Just as soon as they can find a man to support them so they don't have to work and can waste all their time on pointless gesture politics.

Actually, I'd be quite proud if they did something this silly.
I mistakenly thought it was something to do with the burkha ban.

At what point do a beard and big sunglasses become equivalent to a burkha? And if women are arrested for covering their faces, shouldn't beards be illegal in public for both sexes?
Jimmy: I know, Jimmy, I was just horsing around.

Robyn: The French do like doing things their way, Robyn. Got to love 'em for it!

SAW: I'm sure they feel the same way, ma'am. Notice that none of the beards matches the hair.

Monkey Man: Thanks for clearing that up. Interesting that it's "queen" rather than "king". Makes me wonder if gay men like big beards.

Dr Ken: A woman with a real beard would confuse the issue. People might think they were mocking her rather than sexist men.

Jon: Surely there must be ways of making money from a gimmick like this. Maybe your daughters could help them realise the potential of the 'La Barbe' brand. They must have inherited some of your entrepreneurial flair.

Woman on a raft: It's legal if you can see the nose. You can tell a lot from a woman's nose - it's the first thing I look at when I see a new woman.
Have you ever heard/seen the 1951 opera The Rake's Progress by Stravinsky? Now there's a story-and-a-half about a bearded lady!
Personally, I think fake penises and beards together would male a much better impact. And why is she shaving under her arms? She should grow them long and manly.
Dear Gorilla, "Ho hum, suck my bum" is to be my new catchphrase. Thank you.
Time Warden: Not exactly a feminist libretto, though.

Julitte: That would blur their message, Jules. There is a fine line between mocking men and impersonating them.

Joanne: Hi Joanne, long time no see! Let me know how people react to it.
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