Monday, July 23, 2012

Keyhole art

On balance, I think that the new peeping tom exhibit at London’s National Gallery will be a force for good. For those of you who aren’t avid followers of high culture, this work of art consists of a bathroom in which naked women are viewed through carefully positioned peep holes. The women are models, I should hasten to add, and fully aware that visitors are spying on them. One hopes their skin retains its natural oils and juices after being washed and dried on a continuous loop.

Why do I approve of this exhibit? Because I believe that giving peeping toms a lawful outlet for their perversion is better than letting them run amok in respectable society. As well as causing their victims much anguish and annoyance, these fiends have to be hunted down at considerable cost in time and labour. I speak as a gorilla who was dragooned into anti-voyeur duties during his circus career. The female acrobats expected me to guard their changing and showering facilities, as well as apprehending any rascally swine who dared to spy on them.

Although I was happy to protect the girls from intruding eyes, and dealt with offenders as mercifully as the dictates of justice allowed, I would much rather have been reading comics or harvesting root vegetables or competing in toe-wrestling tournaments. No gorilla on his deathbed has ever said “I wish I’d spent more time chasing peeping toms”. Even the biggest dullards of our species have better things to do with their leisure.

I have often wondered why humans, of all the animals, feel shame on exposing their private parts. I think there are two reasons. First, there is considerably more variety in their size and shape than in other species. Imagine a world in which all humans had standard-issue genitalia. Would a man be ashamed of displaying his todger if it were identical to every other human todger? I think not.

The second reason is that humans have less control over their sexual arousal than other species. This is obviously true of men, who dread being discovered with an involuntary stiffy, even when they are fully clothed. Yet there are also women, so I’ve heard, who can be tricked into unwanted nipple-hardening and dilation of the vulva. This is a major biological weakness, because the animal in heat is an easy target for predators. Hence clothes are an essential cloaking mechanism for humans.

The models in the National Gallery have clearly learnt to master their shame, but I’m not particularly keen to watch them in action. Looking at naked humans through peep holes is not the gorilla way. I would much rather view the exciting banana exhibition being held in a museum in Somerset.

The banana is a noble fruit which feels no shame when you peel it. Yet curiously enough, the man whose artefacts are being displayed at the museum was inspired to start his collection by the sight of a woman furtively eating a banana. Why in the name of all that’s white and tasty would a woman be embarrassed about eating a banana in a public place? I admit to mystification.

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Hey! Who are you calling a pervert, a fiend and a swine?! This is High Art, baby. I'm not surprised that you don't comprehend the essence of the exhibit. At least we don't smell god awful. You'd better watch yourself or we'll start throwing your type in cages.

Oh...wait...we already do that. We'll have to think of something more fiendish.
Do humans get stiffys just randomly ....during a routine day?
I wonder why I havent noticed.
@Reality: as a man of my gender, that is actually true. In the first place, I'm usually pretty horrified if that happens. Especially in church. In the second place, at my age, I'm kinda glad that it still happens.
Gorilla: peeping tom exhibit in a bathroom? Oh lord, what if someone was to catch someone doing what they normally go into a bathroom for in the first place? And I guarantee it's not stripping down in front of a mirror to ogle themselves. At least not at the rest stops I visit. Because, if a dude did that, I'd be so gone.
Now I'm focused on the one banana I have resting on my kitchen counter right now...not for long. Gotta go grab it. Thanks, GB.

PS I'm with you, a banana exhibition is much more exciting.

Change it to naked mom, see what happens.
oh btw i saw a baboon act today and I'm not kidding, this isn't a joke, I never knew how incredibly smart they are. It was amazing. No offense.
Is the gallery making the experience more real by supplying a box of tissues and some sticky carpet for the "punters" to stand on?
Mr UB: Peep shows are part of your cultural heritage, aren't they? Do they still have them in 42nd street or have they moved to the Guggenheim?

Reality Jayne: They're not random, Jayne. I believe they're more common when busty women are in the vicinity. Something has to provoke them. Dirty thoughts, usually.

Al: Hah! Well in England, 'bathroom' means a place for bathing. The other bodily functions are done in 'a bog'.

Robyn: It's great that you like bananas, Robyn. I hope you wouldn't be embarrassed to eat one in public. The one in your kitchen sounds very tasty!

Craza Mama: I'm glad you're developing an interest in simian culture, Craza Mama. Baboons are smart, but not smart enough to stop me kicking their behinds.

Steve: Yes, I believe the exhibit is attracting a new type of art lover. I'm not familiar with the role that "sticky carpet" would play in enhancing their appreciation, though.
From a Christian point of view, God (aka dad) doesn't have a penis. His wife, Mrs God (aka The Holy Spirit), has only been 'with God child' once. Dad told me he just made it be, as only God can. He is, after all, like the USA basketball team at the Olympics. Why have a penis if you're only going to use it once? Dad certainly doesn't need to pee because he doesn't need to eat or drink; being, as He is, God. He said nothing about bananas. I assumed they're just a fruit, albeit a neatly wrapped fruit.
I do feel that there would be a lot less mould and fungus in the world if humans would just air their grievances, so to speak, rather than tie everything up in Marcus & Spartacusses Y-Knickers. Kaftans are the only way to go, I have a full range from formal pin-stripe to wafty see-through chiffon affairs that I use when photographin' sports events. In winter I simply change into one made in a light corrugated iron with roofing insulation, but the healthy breezes can still get in, and out.

Never been bothered with keyholes, personally, but they do rather beg the question why keyholes were sized to fit both human eyeballs and human male genitalia.
hahaha. the Owl Wood has a point there.
what a bizarre exhibition. i hope the women dont get stalkers when the show is over.
What an interesting concept! Humans are indeed fascinating creatures. I guess we hardly have control over anything . . .
this works for me in two ways...I like to watch and be watched, so I could operate on both sides. Call me a pervert, but thats just how this monkey works :)
There was a time when I would eat my morning banana at the office without shame or second thoughts. When the pattern becomes obvious (no one stopped to chat when I was eating a bagel) I began to break the banana into pieces. The morning desk visits have stopped.

Perhaps it is just uncomfortable to know that someone will spend time at their desk imagining you performing fellatio because you dared to eat the banana as God intended, with your hand against the back of your head forcing your mouth over the...
We also call them "restrooms."
Ain't no frikkin' way I'm taking a nap in the crapper.
Angry Jesus: So God is like Action Man, then? Is he happy to let anyone see his body or does he need his privacy?

The Owl Wood: I agree with keeping the nether regions well-aired, but you've got to have the right climate for it. You live in the land of the long john. And I don't think it's healthy to fit sexual organs into keyholes.

Jaya: Apparently some of the models quit and had to be replaced. I hope they have mace sprays.

Elisa: Yes, it's hard for humans to control themselves. Rigorous mental training is the only answer.

Monkey man: I assume you're a fan of the ceiling mirror. You could also watch yourself live on TV like the American Psycho.

Angie: What the hell, Angie, just bite off pieces and chew! How could any man confuse that with a sex act!

Al: Restroom, pshaw! You don't rest when you're having a dump! Call it a bog like the rest of the Anglophone world!
What a great idea! Peeping Toms and exhibionists in one plave! Only issue, they should make it more fair and throw some males in the bathroom too... I mean in exchange for women... : ) x
I have to agree with Hannah--why is it always women who are asked to bare all? Where's the equality there? ;)

Bananas and Popsicles have the same stigma. :/
This is art?

Could you please infrom the judge who sat on my case last year.
does this mean that peeping will soon be an olympic event? i understand the chinese are natural peepers.
I support this, but I had better take a look through the peep hole just to be sure.
If you can't find a banana in your kitchen, or they have all gone brown and soft only fit to make muffins with, an ice lolly will do. Or as my father once said to me: "It's fascinating to watch you eat yoghurt off a spoon."

Hannah: The artist's excuse for only having naked women is that he's recreating the Greek myth in which Acteon spies on the Goddess Diana. He hasn't bothered to recreate the denouement where Acteon is changed into a stag and savaged by hounds.

Frisky virgin: Popsicles are much messier, Miss Virgin. You couldn't blame a man for wanting to lick popsicle juice off a delectable virgin such as yourself.

TS Bastard: Didn't you aggravate the offence by saying "Aye, that's a fair pair of chebs on yer." (or words to that effect)?

Billy: The Chinese, you say? Can you cite any incidents to back that up?

Dr Ken: That's allowed. You don't have to praise a work of art until you've examined it.

Ursula: Bananas are better for you than ice lollies, Ursula. Eating yoghurt off spoons is standard, so I assume you must have had an unorthodox technique. I'm sure we'd all be fascinated to see you do it.
If you ever want to make some real cash, you could get a job guarding Britney Spears crotch from unwittingly exposing itself to paparazzi photographers.
Toe-wrestling tournaments are not for the squeamish that's for sure. Do you think peeping toms have a secret society that we all don't know about? They probably have clever little signs or symbols posted along roadways indicating whose house they should peep on next. "Yard Sale: Exeter Rd. and Hollander St. all day Sunday" yep, peeping tom speak for "last house on the left, no blinds on bathroom window..."

I think my vulva just dilated.
LOL@What the hell. Double LOL if you really think I hide to eat bananas or give a damn if anyone watches. :p
Bananas? thats nothing. I saw a woman devour a kingsize mars bar yesterday. Disgusting, it looked like it had veins.
She's certainly not going to share that banana with anyone else! I'm surprised she doesn't try and stuff another one in there at the same time!!
No wonder why we wear shoes in a bog.
Jimmy: Guarding something that doesn't want to be guarded is a futile task. I'd try to convince Britney that she looked good in a merkin.

Static: It's quite possible that peeping toms conspire together, but the only way of proving it would be for an undercover agent to spy on them. Maybe you could infiltrate their ranks if you learnt how to control your vulva.

Angie: Would you be willing to post a video clip of yourself eating a banana?

Giasi: Worse things have been done with Mars Bars. Have you heard of Marianne Faithful?

Time Warden: Had I been watching her, I would have chuckled and said: "I like you, human!" As an avid TV watcher, you'll remember that Gul Madred, the Cardassian interrogator, spoke these words to Captain Picard.

Al: Wellington boots might be safer in a bog.
I don't see why not. It's a heck of a lot less sexy than one might think.
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