Monday, July 09, 2012

The flame and the sausage

Hats off to the Lincolnshire mayoress who greeted the Olympic torch in a sausage costume. The fact that many onlookers mistook her for a phallus was not her fault. People with filthy minds will see what they want to see. She has earned my hairy esteem for treating this silly Olympic charade in the spirit it deserves. Ferrying a flame in fifty different directions so people can prance about conceitedly is not a spectacle to be taken seriously.

The Olympic Games are ridiculous, of course. Humans that run and jump for sport are pathetic wannabes – I could put together a team of chimpanzees that would win every track and field event. Why can’t humans play games based on their own survival skills? I am 100% certain that no ape could milk a cow as well as a human. Any chimp that tried to do it would probably squirt milk in his eye before getting a hoof in the mouth. Humans awarding each other medals for bipedal motion are like rabbits giving themselves prizes for landscape gardening.

At this point, you’ll remind me that the Olympics have a proud history going back to the ancient Greeks. What you forget is that the games of classical antiquity were conducted in the nude. Strict rules were required to prevent unsportsmanlike conduct – according to Herodotus, laughing at an opponent’s willy resulted in immediate disqualification. Be that as it may, the modern games have not kept faith with these hallowed traditions for purely pragmatic reasons. If they hadn’t dispensed with the nudity, my guess is that only Germany and Papua New Guinea would participate.

I say this because the Germans are famous for stripping off at the slightest excuse. A recent example of their fondness for doing things naked was seen in the town of Suderlugum, where a new supermarket offered a free trolley of groceries to the first 100 customers who did their shopping in the nude. They got more than they bargained for when half the town turned up naked.

“We were a bit overwhelmed,” said the manager. “We were expecting maybe 10 or 20, but absolutely everyone was in the nude. It was fun but I wouldn't want to do it every day, although it would cut down on shoplifting.”

Call me a suspicious ape, but the manager’s remarks sound evasive to me. A marketing exercise in which 100 customers get a windfall and everyone else leaves empty-handed doesn’t make sense. You’ve got to spread the goodies widely to make such promotions work.

His use of the word “fun” reveals the true nature of this offer. Let’s assume that 20% of Germans are exhibitionists, another 20% are voyeurs, and a further 20% are both. You don’t have to be a mathematical genius to see that any kind of naked event will be immensely popular, with or without free groceries.

All of which suggests that the Germans will use the Olympics as another excuse for group nudity. Anyone planning to go there for a holiday should expect to get invited to naked barbecues in which fat middle-aged men called Gunter will offer them flame-grilled sausages. Remember to blow on them before biting.

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well, we had a winter olympics with no snow. maybe you can have a summer olympics with no sunshine.

some women should leave their clothes on.
Can we talk about trimming up the landscaping
That's a big, erect, pink sausage, GB. It's understandable others mistook it for something else. You've gotta admit it resembles a wiener. Right?

Have to say that I saw the lady in the outfit and my immediate thought was that she was a big pink drug capsule, perhaps advertising (misguidedly) to the gay community or to those who read a lot of Babs Cartland.

The O'Limpdick games? It's time we did away with the remaining 2% that is non-corporate (ie the "athletes" or, as they will find themselves called in the London O'Limpdicks, the "afletes innit").

The events should be a level playing field for the corporations to show their prowess. The hundred metre asset-grab for banks, the best "please excuse me from games lesson" note from the legal profession, frying-pan lobbing for TV "chefs" and that sort of thing. High diving into hot water for politicians, mayhap, with speed-cyclin' in circles for the Greens.
Nudity does not mean an incapacity to shoplift. I believe the Germans are reknowned for their willingness to hide the sausage.
This is a genuinely twisted post. Well done.

Anyone who makes fun of the imbeciles taking part in the O'Lympics can't be too bad.

I do hope that nude supermarket shopping doesn't catch on. Can you imagine the queue of blokes around the freezer section waiting for nipple erectus to strike?
Billy: No sunshine but plenty of sausage. Are you giving those Germans ladies the thumbs down, Billy?

Reality Jayne: The landscapes looks pretty trim to me, Jayne. Are we looking in the same direction?

Robyn: There's a strong resemblance, Robyn, but the surface is too regular. It's definitely closer to a sausage than a wiener.

The Owl Wood: What a shocking thing to say about Barbara Cartland! The date on which she lost her virginity is still celebrated in many parts of the world.

Steve: They're not as good as they think they are. Have you seen any German porn?

TS Bastard: Hello and welcome, Mr Bastard. Pity you weren't around when your countryman Dr Maroon was giving us the benefit of his wisdom. There's no need to hand around the freezer section in this age of nipple clamping.
How the hell did you post something with a future date?
I have hygiene issues about naked people in the supermarket. I think it may not be completely balanced or justifible but it really makes me go euuuuuuugh. If this is the way of things to come I feel full body hair must be compulsory, would you mind bringing me a pint of milk whilst you are there, ta.
I have to agree with Kelloggs Ville... shopping with bits and body parts hanging 'about'... thanks, but no thanks... Germans do do that though, any chance to strip, they'll be at it... now there's a positive to living in conservative Britain - no chance of that happening here! Dressing up as 'sausage' is as far as it goes... : )x
Asking people to shop in the nude is utter and complete insanity. Who wants to find a pubic hair in one of their coca-cola cans? (I mean besides Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas.) And yes, well, the Olympics are kind of silly, but so are all sports if you really think about it. At least in boxing they have different weight divisions to make things a little more fair. So a guy who is 7 feet tall can block a shot by some poor loser who is 2 feet shorter than him, and he makes the NBA. Or some big huge guy can squash, some guy who he outweighs by 200 lbs on the football field (American football). Well, lah dee dah... I could beat my grandmother at football, or block a basketball shot from a pre-schooler too, for example. That does not really prove anything, then does it.
shopping nude would b cool w me but kina cold in the frozen food aisle.
You're so lucky to be in the Congo. It's a jungle out here.
Crawler: I jumped the gun, Mr Crawler. Blogger let me get away with it.

Kellogs Ville: I can't do your shopping for you, ma'am, but if you come round to my place I'll give you a goat to milk.

Hannah: I never realised that dangling body parts were such a health risk, Hannah. Maybe we ought to find out what precautions nudist colonies take.

Jimmy: Is Clarence Thomas still a supreme court justice? How could a man who boasted about the length of his penis be taken seriously? I would make him a judge in the Olympics for the pole vault competition.

Dr Ken: So you wouldn't mind chicks looking at your wiener in the frozen food aisle?

Crazy Mama: You'd be welcome to join me, Crazy Mama. I think you'd get along fine with my females.
I know I'm new to your blog, and I really don't lie to whinge, but the formatting of your comments are quite difficult to read.

Who is Dr Maroon?
So we like nudity! At least we don't pick ticks off our mate's back and eat them. Or consume our own vomit. We've got that much sense.
So little time....
Sodomy also has a proud history dating back to the Greeks.
If I went to a nude cookout, I'd be real careful about any grill-flamed sausages. I probably wouldn't have to worry, though. Unless there was such a thing as grill-flamed cocktail weenies.
Of course, I'd let a ladyfriend blow on it.
Okay, that's it. I think I'm going to the supermarket.
Yes, Clarence Thomas is still a Supreme Court justice. Supreme Court justices are allowed to serve for life if they wish. It is one of the "checks and balances" our founding fathers included in the U.S. Constitution.
I HATE the Olympics. It's shown on the CBC here in Canada and it totally screws over my Coronation St. Grrr!

TFF in the US I was unaware that San Francisco was a city where it is legal to go out nude. Then I read a news story where restaurants posted signs saying ppl had to wear pants. I thought it was because of other things like maybe complaints of pubes - oh no- it was because of the butt mud being left on the seats. :)
TS Bastard: I think this comment formatting is standard for Blogger, but send me an email if you have a suggestion. Dr Maroon is a lapsed blogger from Scotland.

Mr UB: What's wrong with eating ticks? Don't talk until you've tried them. As for eating vomit, I've only ever seen dogs do that.

Al: I don't think anyone needs to blow on a cocktail sausage. Those things can be swallowed whole without causing discomfort.

Jimmy: I thought he might have retired, Jimmy. Having people constantly sniggering behind his back must take have taken its toll.

Laura: Coronation Street is popular in Canada? I never knew. Do you like seeing people with funnier accents than yourselves? Is South Park popular in Canada?

Gossip girl: Soiling seats like that is disgraceful. A city which allows public nudity should make douching compulsory.
I do believe there should be several new events in the modern Olympics. Events at which GB would excell, such as:
Umbrella Erection, with bonus points for wind strength and direction. Queuing, with bonus points for endurance. Whingeing, Fake tanning and Breast Enlargement. We could win at lots of these events. I see Twisted has been here before me, and although he left Blighty many years ago to live down under, he still retains his whingeing skills!
By "GB", I assume you are referring to Great Britain rather than Gorilla Bananas. Although I reckon I'd be a fair umbrella erecter, fake tanning and breast enlarging would be out of the question. I didn't realise Mr Bastard lived in the antipodes - he would surely speak with his native lilt wherever he resided.
GB (Gorilla Bananas not THE country), it is Gunther with an H and I can swear on the bible I can't imagine getting one of my pubes in a Coke can unless I had opened it first.
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