Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Scurrilous talk

A Brazilian woman has been fined a hefty sum for ridiculing the sexual performance of her husband. It probably serves her right, although one can’t be certain without knowing the sordid details. The ridicule would have been entirely justified if he’d attempted to pleasure her with a cucumber, like that dirty old eunuch in Malaysia. But I doubt that sort of thing goes on in Brazil. Such dastardly deeds tend to happen in countries where wives are too embarrassed to make a fuss about husbands who penetrate them with vegetables.

In all probability, the man just didn’t know what she wanted. I have no sympathy for women who complain to third parties about such frustrations. I remember, back in my circus days, hearing words of discontent from a female acrobat about her boyfriend’s erotic endeavours. You might think it was a strange confidence to share with a gorilla, but it’s often easier for humans to discuss such personal matters with someone from a different species. I’m sure many cats are bored to tears by similar revelations from their mistresses. Anyway, my response to her grievance was devoid of pity:

“There’s no point complaining to me about it!” I declared tartly. “Have you given him precise instructions? Have you drawn helpful diagrams? Have you shown him articles in Cosmopolitan describing what modern women want in bed? You can’t expect a dog to perform tricks without proper training.”

The girl was forced to accept the logic of my argument, and proceeded to give the fellow a crash course in how to satisfy her desires. I was led to believe that he passed with flying colours.

Now, the motives of the Brazilian woman in belittling her husband were clearly much darker. She couldn’t have been lashing out in frustration, because the record indicates that she was fornicating with her driving instructor at the same time. A woman who is receiving expert service from a tradesman has no reason to complain about her husband’s lack of prowess. If you’re getting your oats from Tom, it shouldn’t matter that Dick is unable to provide them. I suspect she was using her husband’s alleged ineptitude as an excuse for her own misdeeds. A cuckold receives no mercy from those who have wronged him.

It’s an ugly habit of humans to cast aspersions on others to divert attention from their own peccadilloes. It reminds me of J. Edgar Hoover investigating the sex lives of the Kennedy clan when he himself was dressing up like a fairy queen and fluttering his eyelids at any square-jawed special agent in the vicinity. If only he’d had the courage to say:

“Yes, I like to wear women’s clothes and consort with men who treat me like a lady. It is my free choice as an American. In admitting this, I immunize myself against blackmail from villains intent on emasculating my determination to bring them to justice!”

A statement like that, from the director of the FBI, would have made America a safer country for its citizens.

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There's a lesson to be learned here. Put up or shut up!!!!
Hmmm, that's not on really and I suspect you're right, she was just covering her own naughtiness! But, just maybe, the driving instructor has a real ability with his shift stick and gave this missy the confidence to travel at speeds she had not yet experienced.
Really? In liberal-sexy Brazil? She's being fined? It seems wrong to me, GB, cucumbers or not.

Some women do tend to “kiss and tell” – at least amongst themselves and particularly if the man is not up to par (so to speak).
I wonder if men do? Amongst themselves.
"If you’re getting your oats from Tom, it shouldn’t matter that Dick is unable to provide them."
Oh, I don't know. Depends how big it is.
6 years is a long time to put up with cucumbers. she should have dumped him after the second cucumber and looked for a driving instructor.

speaking about vegetables. there was a famous kidnap and kill case here some years ago. some sadistic bastard got this 5 yr old girl. abused her with vegetables in every way possible and bundled her up in a duffel bag. its just sooo sick.
but by taking the strumpet to court wouldn't he spread the word of his poor performance near and far?
Keeping it real: I don't think that applies here. The woman would argue that she would have shut up if her husband had put up.

Juliette: Yes, I suppose she could have been comparing their engine performance, but was there any need to insult the less powerful one? She sounds like a female version of Jeremy Clarkson.

Robyn: The macho men of Brazil need protection from their wives' cruel gossiping, Robyn! And don't forget she was cheating on him too!

Beth: I believe men do compare notes, Beth, but they usually discuss good points as well as bad ones.

Al: How big is an oat? That's a very interesting question. Has anyone ever measured an oat?

Jaya: That's really horrible, Jaya.

Billy: True enough, Billy, but I think all his friends already knew. Maybe he needed the cash.
I agree. I'd feel much safer if America as a whole admitted that it liked to cross-dress and be treated like a lady.
In many circles these matters are conducted purely by scented notelet. One party might sit in the library and another in, for example, a sewing room and they do sex by writing short, passionate odes to each other. These are usually passed between rooms either by butler or maid, or in the more modern households by overhead pulley & bucket system.

A chap's performance pivots entirely on his handwriting, his punctuation and his gentleman's gentleman's ability to find rhymes for the phrases "Golden Retriever" and "loosening my vest".
Gorilla Bananas, isn't it funny how God makes all things work together for good? For example, today, by destiny I stumbled into 2 bits of information directly related to this entry (though I hadn't even read it yet, or maybe it wasn't written yet). The first is the Vindictive Girls meme. I would use it on my blog, but I haven't yet completely given up on the concept of romantic love, so I don't want to alienate the female humans too much. You are a gorilla so what the hell you care if you make female humans mad?...right? Also, magically, I stumbled across this bizarre argument over sex and sexuality Lewis vs Hasim Rahman ESPN brawl that actually turns into a brawl. Apparently neither Lennox Lewis nor Hasim Rahman, realized the irony of an argument about homosexuality resulting in the 2 of them wrapped in each other's arms in a giant bear hug.
Consumer market research continuously tells us about Brazilian 'women' being very sexually open minded… not ones with problem talking about it and discovering what they like or dislike… this one has obviously picked a ‘wrong’ person to talk to though… c c c. :)
hey, don't knock it till you've tried it; garter belts and stockings are great places to hide your gun. or a cucumber.
My husband showed me a banana one time, flipped it from side to side and raised his eyebrow.

All I had to say was, "If you try sticking that thing inside of me, I will kill you." We didn't have any problems with each other after that.

Women just (as you stated) need to tell their man what they like and what they don't. I believe that men, want to please their women. If he's doing something that's not your bag or isn't working then let HIM know.
She's obviously just a skanky bitch that wants attention. ;)

Steve: Why? Do you think transvestites are sissies? They could hang you up by your beard.

The Owl Wood: You can't have sex without physical contact. Using a servant as a bed-hopping surrogate is OK, but there's got to be touching.

Jimmy: That's amazing, Jimmy, and it can't be a coincidence. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Maybe we should create an evangelical movement for sex without recriminations.

Hannah: They may be all of those things, Hannah, but that doesn't mean they don't kiss-and-tell. You've got to be a real lady not to kiss-and-tell.

Kage: Garter belts and stockings, yes. Coochie, no. What has a cucumber done to deserve snatch? Answer me that.

Laura: I don't blame you, Laura, that's not what a banana was meant for! He should have tempted you with a glass dildo. How do women find out what they like?
maybe we are looking at it from the wrong angle. maybe the cucumber was begging for some pussy and the man just obliged?

wow. did i REALLY just write that?
HAHAHAHAHAH, can you believe the world we live in.

Maybe he was tiny. It wouldn't be his fault for having crappy genetics!
Katie Price recently complained her ex-hubby was a tranny. Had she kept him better occupied, maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to experiment with alternative measures!
when not in a relationship I prefer the hot pool guy who doesn't spea english and I can tell him to shut up and put out and he just smiles and does what he is told saying...yes...okay yes...whilst his long hair is blowing in the wind
Seriously, you can get a fine for ridiculing your partner's sexual performance? Wow. I guess it is slander. Defamation is an offence in the UK as well, though in Common Law it is a requirement that the claim are proved false. Would be interesting to see how they proved that this Brazilian lady's claims were wrong...
I agree with, buddy. Don't tell your friends you hubby isn't doing it right - just tell him what you like.

She's the kind of woman where every Christmas he should buy her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go F her self.
Kage: I've never met a horny vegetable, Ms Kage, but if I did I'd soak it in salt water. I hope you wouldn't let a cucumber into your pants unless it had bought you dinner at least.

Catherine: I hope you're not going to be influenced by that woman, Catherine. She's not meant to be a role mode for young ladies such as yourself.

Time Warden: What a gossip she is. I suppose he was tempted by her wardrobe. They must have similar chest measurements.

JTILIS: Doesn't speak English? Does that mean you give him instructions in Spanish?

Deborah: It doesn't matter whether she's right or wrong, Debs, she's not allowed to spread malicious gossip. Sleeping with her driving instructor may have aggravated the offence.

Dr Ken: You must be clairvoyant, Dr Ken, because you've guessed the topic of the next post.
No he doesn't speak spanish either..I meant he can't hear so he doesn't speak that well...
Just a question, why don't you have a follower gadget ?
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