Friday, June 29, 2012
Depp leaves Paradise
I hear that Johnny Depp has split up with Vanessa Paradis, his former long-term girlfriend. Am I the only gorilla in the Congo Basin who never knew they were an item?
“You big hairy ignoramus!” jeered my females. “You only find out about celebrities’ private lives when they’re mentioned on the BBC website. Some of us hear things on the grapevine and read Hello magazine.”
“An ape with my responsibilities doesn’t clutter up his head with trivia,” I replied. “I leave such menial tasks you.”
They responded to my lofty retort by blowing raspberries and wiggling their hips (a gesture of respect).
A sadly predictable feature of this unexceptional story is that Johnny was lured away from his mistress by a younger woman. Miss Amber Heard, who co-starred with Depp in his latest picture, is now playing the part of temptress and Jezebel. She is universally described in the news coverage as a “bisexual actress”, as if that were a relevant detail. What are they implying? That she won Johnny over by promising to share her girlfriends with him?
Of course, there are other reasons to prefer a bisexual woman. A man who’s bored of conventional role-play might want to experience things from the female perspective. Today’s thespians pride themselves on their fluid and flexible approach to gender identity. I’m sure a seasoned performer like Depp would relish the challenge of throwing himself into a new position and adapting to its demands. All the same, I think he should make a statement so we know what to expect. If Johnny intends to be the future Mrs Heard, his fans deserve to be told.
A interesting feature of their courtship is that Johnny bought Amber a horse. It makes me wonder whether Amber is one of those women who find riding on horseback sexually arousing. I disapprove of humans using other species in this way, but I don’t suppose the horse would complain, even if it knew what was going on. Let’s hope she still has energy for Johnny after bouncing up-and-down on her headstrong mount.
The relationship between horses and humans is a strange one for gorillas to fathom. On the face of it humans idolise their steeds, pining for a partnership like the Lone Ranger and Silver. Yet likening a human to a horse, either in mannerisms or appearance, is invariably perceived as a deadly insult. I remember getting hate mail for calling Princess Anne ‘The Horseface of the Apocalypse’, even though I meant it as a compliment.
That’s why I felt a pang of sympathy for the English comedian who was cautioned by the police for making a horse joke. All he did was upload a photograph of a female traffic warden on Facebook and encourage his readers to ride her like a horse. Not the most gallant remark to make about a woman, but people who do unpopular jobs should expect a few lampoons. If I ever saw that woman in a car park, I would barrack her with neighing noises.
Labels: bisexual women, horses, Johnny Depp, traffic wardens
Comments:
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WHOA, I sure hope that woman charges for horsey back rides 'cause she certainly has a niche there. Looks like she might be eatin' more than oats and carrots though.
You are probably onto something with regards the purpose of the horse..... Depp is, a rather diminutive fellow. Amber, with her bisexuality, obviously has appetites, well, broader than most. And there is a universally human desire to have something powerful between ones legs...... Im sure even Gorillas would not feel insulted to be, if you will excuse the expression, hung like a horse.
Horseface for the Apocalypse is hard to take complimentary. How would you "compliment" the gal in the photo in wearing the red? A Female Ox for the New Millennium?
I believe that a certain gentleman known only as "Joe le Taxi" was at least partially to blame for the break-up of this hitherto delightful couple. Life's just not fare (sic).
From a gorilloid dietary point of view the official caution of the comedic chap for merely expressing a legitimate attitude that we all hold towards Council Parking-Tax Collectors et al should be good news ... England is becoming more like a banana republic every day.
I was supposed to photograph Mr Depp last year in the Britisher Metropolis of Londinium, but he went to the wrong venue, damn his assistant's navigational skills ... In retrospect and in the light of this news, that was obviously early undercover work by Joe le Taxi, undermining Mr Depp's position and my portfolio.
From a gorilloid dietary point of view the official caution of the comedic chap for merely expressing a legitimate attitude that we all hold towards Council Parking-Tax Collectors et al should be good news ... England is becoming more like a banana republic every day.
I was supposed to photograph Mr Depp last year in the Britisher Metropolis of Londinium, but he went to the wrong venue, damn his assistant's navigational skills ... In retrospect and in the light of this news, that was obviously early undercover work by Joe le Taxi, undermining Mr Depp's position and my portfolio.
Keeping it real: From the look on her face, I'm guessing it's a hobby rather than a job. She might not be mobile enough to make it a career, anyway.
Adam: I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Bagholder: Yes, that must be why motorbikes are so popular. We have zebra rather than horses in our part of the world and they're completely unridable. I might consider riding a crocodile with appropriate safety precautions.
Dr Ken: I would guess that a woman who doesn't mind being photographed being ridden by Eric the Bozo has enough self-esteem to get by without my compliments.
Steve: Maybe she could clear a few puddles, but I doubt she has the thigh strength for a genuine steeplechase.
The Owl Wood: Whatever Joe le Taxi did, I don't think Depp was jealous. The rumour is that he'd grown bored of his mono-sexual mistress. Pity you didn't get to photograph him - it would have looked good on your cv.
Adam: I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Bagholder: Yes, that must be why motorbikes are so popular. We have zebra rather than horses in our part of the world and they're completely unridable. I might consider riding a crocodile with appropriate safety precautions.
Dr Ken: I would guess that a woman who doesn't mind being photographed being ridden by Eric the Bozo has enough self-esteem to get by without my compliments.
Steve: Maybe she could clear a few puddles, but I doubt she has the thigh strength for a genuine steeplechase.
The Owl Wood: Whatever Joe le Taxi did, I don't think Depp was jealous. The rumour is that he'd grown bored of his mono-sexual mistress. Pity you didn't get to photograph him - it would have looked good on your cv.
Sad when things don't work out after such a long time...Johnny must have had one temptation too many! Not easy to be sex symbol I guess. : ) x
If I may quote the legendary, Karen Carpenter, "Whyy should it be that we go on hurting each other...hurting each other...making each other cry...without knowing why." Why Johnny, why?? He is leaving his long time girlfriend just for sex. (And there are a slew of actresses claiming they are bi-sexual just for the publicity. Anna Paquin recently did that, for example.) Well, whatever. Seems like a pretty cynical maneuver on Mr. Depp's part. Oh well, I'm sure he will pay for this.... WHEN HE IS IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TFF Shoot the stars change partners so many times its hard to keep count of them. I just assume they are all with Britney Spears or Kim Kardashian.:)
Hannah: He may have given in to temptation before, but this time he's making it permanent. Maybe his feelings for Vanessa have cooled.
Jimmy: He may not have to wait that long to pay for it, Jimmy. His children aren't going to like this and Amber sounds like a ball-buster.
Angie: That's an interesting way of looking at it, Angie. Are you a horse rider?
Gossip girl: I share your bewilderment, although Britney is one of the few I try to keep tabs on. She usually goes for guys less famous than her.
Crowbloke: In a parallel universe he might be.
Billy: Hope I didn't ruin your breakfast, Billy.
Jimmy: He may not have to wait that long to pay for it, Jimmy. His children aren't going to like this and Amber sounds like a ball-buster.
Angie: That's an interesting way of looking at it, Angie. Are you a horse rider?
Gossip girl: I share your bewilderment, although Britney is one of the few I try to keep tabs on. She usually goes for guys less famous than her.
Crowbloke: In a parallel universe he might be.
Billy: Hope I didn't ruin your breakfast, Billy.
First Depp, now Cruise (again!)... what's the matter with these blokes (guys)? Hope Vanessa and Katie are feeling my sympathy!
Didn't that man have the decency to whip her and say, "Giddy up, horsey!"
Depp is just looking for new pussy. those Hollyweird types always get bored and the temptations are too much for them. He could get laid in a minute.
Depp is just looking for new pussy. those Hollyweird types always get bored and the temptations are too much for them. He could get laid in a minute.
Time Warden: Maybe it's the male menopause.
Robyn: I'm not sure Cruise is going to be troubling any single women, Robyn, but let's wait and see!
Kelly: That man looks like a hippy, so I think he'd rather give her dope than whip her. He might not be able to reach her rump in any case.
sm: Yes, it ought to be in a gallery.
Choleesa: She's got a sweet face, don't you think?
Robyn: I'm not sure Cruise is going to be troubling any single women, Robyn, but let's wait and see!
Kelly: That man looks like a hippy, so I think he'd rather give her dope than whip her. He might not be able to reach her rump in any case.
sm: Yes, it ought to be in a gallery.
Choleesa: She's got a sweet face, don't you think?
OMG and that picture and what did you even search to find it???
Yeah, pretty disappointed in Johny Depp, but then we don't know the whole story.
I mean, what if she did become boring and vapid as he says??
Yeah, pretty disappointed in Johny Depp, but then we don't know the whole story.
I mean, what if she did become boring and vapid as he says??
I took the picture myself, Your Empressness. Such incidents are common in the kind of places I visit.
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