Friday, May 04, 2012

Living doll

A lot of people are pouring scorn on Valeria Lukyanova, the Ukrainian model who’s had plastic surgery to make herself look like a Barbie doll. When the manager of the safari camp saw her picture, he said he wouldn’t throw her out of bed. A fair remark in the circumstances. Men have slept with far stranger creatures than Miss Lukyanova and lived to tell the tale, so throwing her out of bed would be a highly inhospitable act.

Whether she’d want to climb into bed with a man is another story. It seems to me that a woman who wants to attract men doesn’t aspire to resemble a piece of plastic with no vagina. I suspect her Barbie complex reflects a powerful desire to be loved and admired by little girls. Normal women satisfy this urge by bearing baby girls, but such a feat may be physically impossible for Miss Lukyanova. Getting a baby out of her would be like pulling a goose out of a chicken.

She actually reminds me of a sex doll, although she looks less human than the best models currently available. I’m a firm believer that the sex-doll industry is an exciting growth sector deserving a healthy weighting in a gorilla’s portfolio. The big breakthrough will come when married men start having affairs with sex dolls rather than other women. This will save many marriages, as it would obviously be ridiculous for a wife to be jealous of a lifeless dummy. Emotionally secure spouses might even participate in threesomes.

My old friend Smacker Ramrod says he’s never been tempted to cheat on his wife because of their use of role-play. A couple’s sex life never gets boring if they’re constantly pretending to be other people. According to Smacker, these subterfuges are only effective if they embrace good production values, with well-written scripts and realistic costumes.

A favourite plot involves Smacker playing a repair man called in to fix the boiler of a haughty diva (played by his wife). She lectures him arrogantly while he labours away, getting dirty and sweaty in the process. When the job is complete, he asks if he can wash in her bathroom, to which she reluctantly agrees, but not before removing most of the toiletries and issuing meticulous instructions on the appropriate use of the facilities.

While he’s having a shower, he senses the diva is spying on him. Keeping the water flowing, he creeps towards the door and catches her peeping through the keyhole. The tables are turned – he threatens to call the police and the diva begs for mercy. She offers him pecuniary compensation, but he insists on an eye for an eye: he has shown her his, so she must show him hers. The tearful and submissive diva reluctantly agrees.

You can finish off the drama for yourself. According to Smacker, the enjoyment is maximised when his wife refrains from showing any pleasure until the last minute. I don’t know whether this would be every woman's cup of tea, but it beats pretending to be a Barbie doll.

Oh, lordy, that woman looks just awful. How sad to have aspired to that.

As for role-playing – I’ve had a repairman here every day for a week! And NOTHING has “gone on.” I just wish he’d hurry up… ;)
I honestly didn't realize she was real. I thought it was a picture. Now that is scary. She won't be young forever, I would love to know how she holds up.
Makes you wonder what one's childhood was like … the trigger that aspires one to become a Barbie… more frightening is fact there’s enough sad people out there that find her ‘ attractive’ and many who are ready available to ‘exploit’ her.

As per your friend, well it takes two… and you got to work at it I guess after few years… Hmm, all that work that needs doing around my house – I’d say worth the try! :)
Ohhhhhh.......roLE playing!
I thought it was some kinky thing involving bread.
By the way, it could've been worse. She could have been surgically altered to look like a Ken doll.
Al beat me to it. I wonder if any male out there is going to be surgically altered to look like a Ken doll? And, if so, will they need a colostomy bag or what?
god damn it!

i guess i'll have to think of something else to do.
I didn't think it was possible to look more plastic-y than Barbie, but she does.

I did a post on this idiotic Barbie woman too because I find people who ruin themselves with expensive and unnecessary surgeries fascinating and hilarious.

As for the other picture, I smell a BBW post in my near future . . .
What next? Some guy trying to look like Action Man? Shifty eyes and a permanently curled fist...?

Oh. Hold on. Wait a minute...
Beth: You may need to give your repair man a script, Beth, because I don't they're brilliant at improvisation.

Marnie: I've got a feeling she'll need to have more surgery as she ages. She could end up looking like an ugly version of Joan Rivers.

Hannah: Maybe she played a lot with dolls in her childhood, Hannah. Good luck on the role-playing - I hope it puts the spark back into your marriage!

Al: I think her boyfriend would have to look like Ken, otherwise people might he was weird. And what's kinky about bread?

Tennsyon: I'm not familiar with Ken's anatomy. Is he missing an anus?

Kage: That shouldn't be difficult, Ms Kage, you have a very fertile imagination. Could you pretend to be Dita Von Teese?

Robyn: Let's hope she doesn't melt in the sun, Robyn.

Dr Ken: She may indeed be fascinating in the sense of having a fascinating mental problem. One shouldn't rule out the possibility she is merely stupid, though.

Steve: Poor Action Man! He wasn't capable of much action beneath the trousers.
Brave lady, knowing full well before she began this transformation that some day, somewhere, somehow, her severed head is going to end up floating away while Sigourney Weaver screams "No!", looks for a lost child and battles an Alien alien. It's her destiny.

Talking of Destiny Angel - I wonder if I could get surgery on the NHS to look like Captain Scarlet?
Hm, 'barbie trauma'?

thx GB! No need for spark, me thinks... but house could do with few DIYs for sure! :D
I hate to break it to Valeria, but she actually looks like Tila Tequilla. Whoa..."Smacker Ramrod", what a name that is! You don't happen to have a couple of other friends named Giraffe Giraffe Giraffe Giraffe, and Tiny Dick Wilson, do you? Anyway, this role playing business Smacker Ramrod came up with reminds me too much of Tony Curtis' portrayal of the Boston strangler, in the aptly titled movie "The Boston Strangler." Tony played a boiler repair man, who was going around strangling random women, and all the time he was hallucinating, and thought he was repairing boilers. But I suppose a name like "Smacker Ramrod" is more suited for a professional wrestler, or p0rnstar than a serial killer.
I read that if Barbie was real, she'd have a neck twelve inches tall. Looking forward to Miss Valeria Lukyanova having that operation done
I would be more impressed were she to try and emulate a Skeletor doll.

LOL.. ahhhh, nothing shocks me anymore.
Except that bottom photo! I gasped when I saw that woman (who clearly isn't a real nurse)in a nurses uniform that is MUCH too small.
I mean really!!! ;)

The Owl Wood: Do Barbie dolls have detachable heads? I've never seen one pulled off. As for Captain Scarlet, he was only indestructible because no one ever beheaded him.

Hannah: Well, you may have to hire a workman if you're not going down the role-play route.

Jimmy: Smacker Ramrod was the circus vet. "Smacker" is a nickname he got from smacking horses on the rump, but Ramrod is his real surname. The late Tony Curtis (RIP) was really Bernie Schwartz, as I'm sure you know.

Nota Bene: I never knew that. How come Barbie doesn't look like a long-necked girl when you see her in the plastic?

The Jules: Who wouldn't? I believe that's how the expression "jumping her bones" originated.

Laura: That photo is a depiction of role-play, Laura. Where do you stand on the role-play issue?
G.B~ As long as I don't have to pretend to be a 17 year old high school student working at McDonald's, I'm good with role playing. ;)

(there's no way my titties might accidently fall out of a McDon's uniform)
Is it weird ...that i dont think the Barbie girl looks all that bad?
I didn't think she was a real person. The makeup on her skin gives it that plastic appearance, but the proportions the surgeons have created are at once scientifically amazing and frightening at the same time. I'll comment again when I am done scheduling my consultation with my plastic surgeon.
The blonde at the top looks so hot... I think... I think... I think I'm gonna...uuuuuhhh.

The problem with sex dolls is that you can't put a can of beer into her vagina without some twisting and turning. And then their eyes bug out.
she looks a lot better than any woman i've ever seen in a walmart but she does look very fragile.

forget the sex dolls, i'm saving up for an orgasmatron.
i've disliked all kinds of dolls and soft toys, especially Barbie, when i was growing up. they freak me out.
and i still dont like dolls.
that woman looks so freaky. if i see her anywhere, i'll push her into something so she'd break, GB.
Laura: Do you have a good script for the titties-falling-out scenario, Laura? I think you should share it with your readers.

Reality Jayne: I agree with you, Jayne. It's not as if she's a monster...just a bit spooky.

Angie: I think she actually wants people to believe she's a doll. That's the only explanation for the make-up. Much harder for you to do, even with plastic surgery, because you talk too much!

Kelly: I don't think you've got the right idea about sex dolls, you're supposed to treat them like ladies. And what about the bottom photo?

Billy: They never revealed how the ogasmatron worked in Sleeper. It did the job quickly, that's for sure.

Jaya: So you didn't play with dolls, Jaya? What about cuddly toys?
Wow... I am currently undergoing Ken-ing treatments.... and I will come find you my Barbie!!! So I guess we can walk around and scare children?
At first I did think she was one of those dolls too
The hair bothers me a bit, but otherwise I have to admit I've been out with stranger looking females, which probably says more about me than it does about them.
i pretend that I am a millionaire philanthropist play boy with a rocket suit. it never works.
As for barbie I hope she meets her ken - no doubt with batteries.
As to the reality of her change, we all at some point yearn to be someone else. However I prefer to accept that which I have, and not worry about what I do not possess.
I would prefer a life-sized living breathing warm bodied blonde that looks like Valeria over a fake sex doll any day of the week. It's fine if she's barren. I like that even better. To fulfill her maternal instincts we could adopt a baby gorilla.
no cuddly toys too. the only time and thing i cuddled was my pillow when on the bed. otherwise, i only ever cuddled my gran.
i was more of the tree-climbing, nature-watching kid.
So, she really looks like that?! I thought it was photoshopped or something. Goodness. There are no words.
Madman: Scaring children will be definitely be easier than siring them.

Adam: An easy mistake for the layman to make.

Jon: It reflects well on you. You obviously have the capacity to see beyond a woman's appearance and appreciate the beauty of her soul. Or something...

Charlie: I wonder why it doesn't work. How could women know you're not a millionaire? Maybe you should see a theatre director, it could be quite simple to fix.

Static: I think you should have a few dates before making a decision like that. She might have an irritating whine that drives you nuts.

Jaya: It sounds as if you would have been the perfect girlfriend for my friend Davy Attenborough.

Frisky virgin: The words are "Gadzooks!" and "Zounds!", Miss Virgin.
possibly :) if he was 40 years younger.
My initial thought on the bottom photo was what a nasty duvet cover
Oh god, that girl, what has she done to herself! I officially give up on the human race... again.
Obviously she looks like a doll only and doesn’t look natural like women who deserves much… Like u r write up. The last picture looks just fun! hot
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