Monday, May 28, 2012

Jurassic gases

British scientists are claiming that the dinosaurs polluted the atmosphere with their digestive gases. I have no reason to doubt this, but it seems like an insensitive thing to say about creatures that suffered a mass extinction through no fault of their own. Suppose I visited the graves of the scientists’ ancestors and inscribed the following words into each headstone:

The evidence suggests that this human was a colossal farter who stunk up the neighbourhood.

I bet they would feel insulted and humiliated. However flatulent your ancestors were, you don’t want it advertised to the world.

I’ve never understood the point of this kind of science anyway. The dinosaurs are gone, so let them rest in peace. What purpose is served by raking over the ashes and speculating about their bodily emissions? However copiously they broke wind, it is of no concern to the Earthlings of today. The looming perils of our Age were not caused by someone guffing 70 million years ago.

An infinitely more beneficial scientific breakthrough has occurred in the field of medical research, where biochemists have discovered that the saliva of a lizard can protect diabetics from the deadly diseases they are vulnerable to. These scientists deserve a hearty pat on the back, courtesy of my hairy paw.

One has to wonder, nevertheless, how the lizard spit could be safely harvested. Are they planning to kidnap lots of lizards and trick them into salivating by dangling fresh centipedes in front of their noses? If so, they ought to have more respect for the dignity of a proud reptile. There are surely more ethical methods. I once made a wild lizard spit by sneaking up on it shouting “Stand to, you ugly devil!”. But that still leaves the problem of collecting the saliva in a suitable receptacle. A lizard won’t spit into a test tube just because you hold it under its chin.

If we lived in a perfect world, diabetics would cohabit with lizards and French kiss them from time to time. I don’t know whether lizards enjoy that sort of thing, but I should imagine they could be persuaded by taking them out on a date and treating them to a mouse dinner. The best person to consult on such matters is my friend Stella Deleuze, the blond bombshell from Bremen, who owns a pet lizard called Zorro. Their relationship is affectionate.

These scientific remedies are not infallible, of course. Many moons ago, it was postulated that mare’s urine was a palliative for menopausal women. Consequently, ladies of the hot-flashing persuasion started drinking horse-piss to put the juice back into their lemons. Then it was found out that ingesting horsey hormones carries worrying health risks, which caused the treatment to go out of fashion.

My advice to menopausal women is to eat plenty of fresh vegetables and partake in activities which exercise the muscles of the posterior, such as cycling and climbing trees. If the tush is in good health, the rest of the body will follow.

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Thanks for stopping by to visit. Yes, trees break wind around here but it doesn't seem to stop the effects of the southwesterly gales.

As for weird testing of animal waste: just yesterday, I heard they were shooting ducks in the lake to test their excrement for bird flu. I guess shooting ducks into a lake would sure get the excrement to come out. But what kind of cannon would you use to launch a duck into the air? And how would you collect the excrement afterwards?
From one end (the gas…) to the other (the saliva…) and back again (the tush…) – you’ve got all bases covered – and then some!
I'm sure a Trex's farts were worse than my exhaust
i thought if the feet were in good health, the rest of the body will follow. but you have a point GB. tush health is crucial for mental health :) when my pants get tight, i usually begin to lose my sanity a little.
Raquel Welch and Doug McClure systematically eliminated the dinosaurs (one million years ago, not sixty-five). They did so not because the dinosaurs farted terribly but because they invariably followed through, even in company.

p.s. I was about to say that I probably wouldn't French-kiss a lizard but then I remembered that I have snogged a politician.
How charming. Are you sure we aren't just trying to press the guilt onto others who can't do anything about it?
French kiss a lizard? Have you seen the size of their tongues?!
Leenie: It isn't right to shoot ducks for their poo-poo. Why can't they just lure them into an outhouse?

Beth: I wouldn't want any end of the body to feel left out, Beth. Which one do you prefer?

Adam: It's a pity we'll never be able to test your conjecture.

Jaya: I'm sorry to hear that, Jaya. I hope you can slip into something looser while you're getting your tush back into shape.

The Owl Wood: Don't make fun of that film, it had a lot of great moments. Did you snog the politician in your civil service days?

Catherine: The dead never feel guilty, Catherine. I think they were just being cheeky.

Steve; That shouldn't be a problem if you let the lizard do all the work. There's no shame in being the passive partner.
Really grateful for the warmer climate! I just dislike cold very much... Kissing lizard, thx, but no thx, though this is easy for me to say as I don't suffer diabetes...really grateful for that too... : )
I admire your desire to give the clever chaps in white coats a pat on the back, but please remember that they are frequently weedy types. A slap from a fully-mature male gorilla could well knock their dentures flying and blast the wax out of their ears.
So the dinosaurs died out from the pollution caused by their own farts? LOL! What foolish creatures!! When humans go exctinct it will be because of something cool like a nuclear holocaust, or wasting all our money on Kim Kardashian albums so we could no longer afford food.
To test this theory, I'm eating nothing but raw plants for a week to see what my gas is like. Being an urban dweller, many plants will be weeds covered in garbage from the alley.
Lizard saliva cured dinabetes too!!
But which were worse the herbivores or carnivores?
a time machine must be created!
But who would get close so such massive outgassings? the front of many a dino was bad but the rear?
Of course this is pure speculation.
As to reptiles never tried saliva but iguana tasted good.
Hannah: Well, you don't have to kiss a lizard to appreciate its qualities. Would you stroke one?

Jon: Now where did you acquire your demeaning view of scientists? We gorillas see them as witch doctors par excellence.

Jimmy: You mean the Kardashian woman makes music? I thought she was a professional booty-wiggler.

Dr Ken: Your gas will be high in methane. Look for a blue flame when you fart on a lit match.

Madman: Dinabetes? Does that mean you're too sick to dine?

Charlie: The herbivores would have farted more, but the carnivores would have produced more horrible shit. Where did you eat Iguana? Stella would be horrified to hear of that.
mmmm. my vision of a perfect world also involves making out with lizards.
could the oil lobby be funding this research to deflect a little of the blame on current global warming from fossil fuels to flatulent beasts?
I agree, GB. That's rather insensitive and judgmental of British scientists. Next thing you know, they'll be arguing that dinosaurs caused global warming.

There you are!

I can tell you right now that my iguana farts. At least once a day. Yes they do, but since he's vegetarian, I'd say us egg and meat eaters are much more dangerous to anyone close.

French kissing that sticky tongue? Err, no. On the collecting saliva: hmm. You'd just need a Komodo dragon, they drool. A lot. Zorro only drools sometimes in his sleep.

Iguanas have gram negative bacteria, which cause infection, not sure if and how that would help diabetics, but I'm sure science has an explanation for that.
Are mares happy to wee in a bag for human ladies?
My little chihuahua Cheech can stink up our house pretty good-I can't even imagine what kind of damage a dinosaur could do.
Apparently a lot! ;)

Kage: I'm impressed that you can see beyond a creature's looks, Ms Kage. Do you find their tongues sexy?

Billy: Either that or the anti-dinosaur lobby. Some humans have strange grudges.

Robyn: They did argue that, Robyn! Although, things must have cooled down again when they disappeared.

Stella: Hello Stella! I never realised Zorro was a farting vegetarian. He has more in common with gorillas than I thought! Can't you get him to lick something?

Deborah: I don't think anything so intricate as a bag is required, Deb. I'm sure they can hire a stable boy to hold a bucket underneath them.

Laura: What a bad little dog, Laura! He should be trained to let his farts out when you take him for a walk!
Hell as we age we make more gas does that mean we are sending out way to much methan gas...2nd to the cow and the colosomy bag...yikes
oh that's big lizard
trinidad & tobago it was that or the alligator
JTILIS: Either that or burn it off with a match.

AguiLeon: Stella has started calling him her dragon!

Charlie: Are you talking about farting or spitting?
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