Friday, June 01, 2012

Lingerie or bust

As a gorilla with a strong sense of fair play, it pains me when my human cousins victimise one of their own for no good reason. My females tell me that I should observe the behaviour of another species with scientific detachment, as if I were Davy Attenborough making a film about baboons. They may have a point, but an ape who has hobnobbed with humans as much as I have becomes emotionally involved in their tragedies and triumphs. I could never be like Davy Attenborough if I tried – he is a phlegmatic, blue-blooded Englishman, whereas I am a soft-hearted gorilla, compassionate to the needy and merciful to the naughty.

The latest example of human iniquity that caused me to tweak my nipples in despair occurred in New York City, where a 29-year-old woman was persecuted because of a physical peculiarity. Miss Lauren Odes was dismissed from her job in a boutique for no better reason that the size of her bosom. Her female supervisor (whom one presumes was a small-titted woman) had instructed Lauren to tape down her breasts or wear a billowy robe to disguise her voluptuous figure. When she declined to follow these demeaning instructions, the blameless girl was sacked.

“It was very shocking and humiliating,” said Lauren. “A crazy experience unlike anything I’ve been through.”

Let’s hope that Lauren’s self-esteem has not been irreparably damaged by her callous treatment. Perhaps the chivalrous men of New Jersey (where she lives) will assure her that her extravagant bosom is nothing to be ashamed of.

The ironic thing about this deplorable affair is that the shop concerned sells “intimate apparel”, which is a sanitised term for sexy underwear. Lauren rightly emphasised this point in a press conference she gave, deliberately mentioning the words “buttocks” and “genital area” to remind journalists that breasts are not the only distracting things on a woman’s body.

The question that intrigues me is what kind of legal defence the shop will make. Is it possible that Lauren’s big boobs would have dissuaded customers from making a purchase? They might argue, I suppose, that modestly endowed women would have felt disheartened at the sight of her chest, concluding that no amount of erotic lingerie could compensate for their lack of bust. It would sadden me if there were any truth to this claim. Some of the most attractive women in history had small bosoms, including Catherine of Aragon and Jane Birkin. There is no shortage of men, moreover, who prefer a ripe little pair of jahoobies.

It is all very well to sympathise, of course, but what can one do to show solidarity? The manager of the safari camp advised me to wear a pair of fake breasts for a week, but his suggestions are not to be trusted. I think what I’ll do is send Lauren a t-shirt with the slogan “BIG OR SMALL WE LOVE ‘EM ALL” printed on it. If she went into court wearing that, the shop owners and their legal cronies would surely die of shame.

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How on earth can a girl be sacked for having big pillows? I'm shocked. The shop should have used her assets to their advantage and dressed her in their merchandise. I'm sure many a man would have felt more encouraged to shop inside for their beloveds!
Not to play devil's advocate, GB, but I do see how her bosoms may have gotten in the way of the merchandise (and anything else). We can guess, though, that the management was just jealous.

boob discrimination.....sigh..
yeah. i'm shocked too, GB, especially for a sexy underwear shop to do that. if anything, the girl might just boost the sales there.
i love the t-shirt slogan :)
'Merciful to the naughty', aaaaw, makes me want to stroke you... Like a cat... ; )

Ah, more boobies! Jealousy, eh? What it does to people!?
Perhaps the shop in question had particularly narrow aisles? If the young lady was sweeping stock off the shelves at every turn ...

I think that the manager of your sari camp has a good point about your showing solidarity by wearing fake breasts and samples of the lingerie - after all, it worked wonders for Lech Walesa's popularity in Poland.
A crazy marketing decision... she is plainly made to sell lingerie.
Juliette: Yes, I can't imagine her putting off the male shoppers. But would they be able to concentrate on the underwear?

Robyn: How fair-minded of you to play Devil's advocate, Robyn! Do you have personal experience of the problem you mention?

Reality Jayne: Is sighing good for boobs? I suppose it must relax them.

Jaya: Quite so, Jaya. The article implies the owners had religious issues with her boobs. But I don't see how any religion can be anti-boob and pro lingerie.

Hannah: I prefer grooming to stroking, Hannah. Do you have good fingernails?

The Owl Wood: No, it seems their problem was religious rather than ergonomic. I apologise to any Polish readers for the rest of your comment. I wash my hands of your libels.

Steve: I suppose you have to give them some credit for putting principles above profit, even though their principles are entirely ignoble.
I am glad your fellow ape creatures do not have these kinds of problems to deal with. These types of stories just make we humans look silly....or is it "just make us humans look silly." Well, whatever it is, being that the story happened in New York, it will not be long till Donald Trump involves himself in the controversy. The Donald will no doubt volunteer to examine the insides of the woman's bra...where he will discover hidden documents that prove President Obama was actually born in Zimbabwe.
Am I the only one who always feels a little bit of doubt when a person publicly claims to be discriminated against based on their level of va-va-va-voom? We have a couple of recent newsy pieces about women saying they were being persecuted for being "too attractive", and now it's jealousy over breast size?
huh. that's odd. i got a raise over the size of my jahoobies.

maybe she should move to canada? or be a stripper there, whatever.
maybe if she wore one of those funny black hats with straggly hair hanging down the orthodox owners could look the other way.
Two words:
Got milk?
I too cannot understand why this young lady's wallyjamblats were not embraced - in a non-literal sense, you understand - by the management of the smut-wear shop. Or as Angie suggests, maybe there is more to this case than a simple bit of titty envy.

My view is that she may well have been angling for a job in the display line, but the management, not unreasonably, worried that exhibiting her milk churns in this way might have been seen as exploitative. Sometimes you just can't win.
Recently it was discovered farmers were blowing up the udders of cows with compressed air and sealing the ends with super glue. This was done to give them a more full look when they were entered into competition.
It appears that as long as mankind exists there will be a mammary fixation by all.
Oh, I hear you, Mr. Bananas. Humans have been victimizing each other for far far too long now. Why, it's enough to make a gorilla mad CRAZY enough to drop a nuclear device on his cousins and end their miserable existence....right after he gets one last squeeze of them big ol' b00bies.

Ridiculous reason for victimisation.

Personally I'm just so grateful to be allowed access to a lady's jumper spuds I don't really care what size they are, as long as they're attached to a lady.
Jimmy: The Donald is a big silly man. Much bigger and sillier than Lauren's boobs, which are not very silly at all.

Angie: Well we've only heard her side of the story - maybe she was touching her boobs as well. That wouldn't have bothered me, but some people might have found it annoying.

Kage: That's a good suggestion, Miss Kage, she could be your apprentice. But she'd have to have the legs for, wouldn't she? Stripping can't be entirely about jahoobies.

Billy: I think she'd have wear a false beard as well to make that work.

Al: You'd have to ask Lauren, but I'm guessing she wouldn't give you a straight answer.

Jon: If a woman wants to show off her boobs, how can it can it be exploitative to agree to her request? Political correctness is defying common sense.

Charlie: That's shocking. A cow with sexy tits would be a freak of Nature.

Static: I've never even fantasized about anything so extreme. A gorilla squeezing a woman's boobies would be worse for our image than King Kong.

The Jules: That's a very healthy attitude. Do you say grace before putting your head between them?
Lauren wouldn't have to talk. So, that'd be okay.
my boobs are almost as big as her's ...I hope I don't get fired...but then again I let the nurses and Dr. I work with feel them everynow and then...
Al: I wouldn't advise you to investigate the milk content without asking first.

JTILIS: That's very generous of you, Miss. I think you deserve a raise.
'The manager of the safari camp advised me to wear a pair of fake breasts for a week, but his suggestions are not to be trusted.'

HAHAHAHA. This part got me laughing!

I came to your blog cuz of your name 'Gorilla Bananas'

And your posts are indeed as awesome as the name ! :D
Thank you, Miss Lubaina, you are most welcome here. Are you a friend of Miss Vice Versa?
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