Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The art of making crap

A correspondent draws my attention to a ground-breaking exhibit in Australia’s Museum of New Art. It is a device that mimics the mammalian digestive system by converting food into faeces. This poo-poo machine has been lauded for producing exquisitely malodorous turds which visitors can sniff at their leisure. Few of them are up to the challenge:

“It put me off because of the overwhelming assault on the senses,” declared Diane Malnic, a Sydney-based accountant.

Perhaps the senses of an accountant are rather too easy to overwhelm. An honest farmer, who knows the value of muck, might react more favourably. This machine wasn’t intended for namby-pamby city dwellers who have never fisted a four-legged beast.

The manager of the safari camp grinned facetiously when I told him about it.

“I always knew modern art was shit and now someone’s proved it!” he quipped.

That’s easy for him to say, but what does he know about art? The museum’s mission statement is to “shock, offend, inform and entertain” as if those were the relevant criteria. Frankly, I have my doubts. Watching Jerry Springer ticks all of those boxes, but not even an ignorant baboon would confuse that with art.

In my humble opinion, this turd-machine is a brilliant piece of technology rather than a work of art. Breaking down food, extracting the nutrients and shitting out the remnants is an amazing feat to perform mechanically. It makes one ponder about the true nature of food. Consider the following mathematical equations:

Shit = Food – Nutrients


Food = Nutrients + Shit


Food contains shit.

Is there a flaw in this logical proof? I sent an email to my friend Dicky Dawkins, who knows about these things, and he assured me that he wasn’t a shit-eater. Apparently, the excrement one expunges from the bowels acquires its shitty characteristics from the bacteria in the gut and other chemical processes. Making poo-poo is a mysterious and complex biological process, no less wondrous than the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly. Remember to feel awed the next time you have a dump.

Not all shit is the same, of course. In general, the most foul-smelling, disgusting excrement is produced by carnivorous creatures. I remember opening the door of a portable lavatory back in my circus days:

“Pooh!” I exclaimed. “Has one of the big cats been doing its business in here?”

“Sorry, GB, it was me,” said one of the female acrobats, blushing furiously. “I had steak for dinner last night.”

“Little girl make big stink!” I replied with an avuncular grin.

This incident taught me that the poo-poo of a pretty girl can be as vile and offensive as anything a hyena can produce. If you don’t want to make a stink in the bathroom, the only solution is to adopt the diet of a gorilla. Our dung is not much worse than Fresh Umbrian Clay with a hint of guacamole. But you’ll have to give up meat; there are no shortcuts in life.

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There is something missing from the turd machine. A mind. What else is going to read autotrader? as such in my opinion it is not a true turd machine.

Also i enjoy a good read when on the throne. Publication of choice GB?
hope she wipes from the front to the back!
as my mother used to say
A poo-poo machine? That cannot be its proper name.
Ah, good old potty-talk. Never grows old. Apparently not even in the world of art.
my dog ate a box of chocolate brownie mix and it went through her pretty quick. the mess had a lovely chocolaty aroma.
ah. if there is one way to advance one's career and cement one's dignity, it's getting all dolled up, doing your hair and makeup, putting on a pretty outfit, then pulling down your pants and taking a picture on the shitter.

pure class.
That is playing God trying to turn food into poop without using the conventional channels. Anyway, I am sure shit has nutrients. What about all the undigested Centrum multi-vitamin tablet that come out in people's crap?
Innovation my arse. This is simply a direct copy of the machine I have in me cellar. Had me buttocks shot off at Alamein, bent over to retrieve me monocle. Medical types had to remove everything from me tonsils down; clever chap in the village (blacksmith I think) cobbled up the "encraponator" to replace everythin'. Works wonders, so long as the fire never goes out. Haven't looked back since, literally.

I miss looking back, some days - you just don't get that same sense of manly shock and awe just pullin' a lever and walkin' away.
Some people think Dicky Dawkins is a shit machine, and certainly he later outpouring have an air of rather losing the plot, but I think that's unkind. A garrulous old fart, perhaps, but mostly harmless, as his departed friend Mr Adams might say.

I'm something of an officando on manure, being as what I live in the countryside and grow stuff, but I've never yet enounted gorilla dung. Willing to try anything once though. Except incest or folk dancing.
"he later outpouring" - That'll teach me to use Google Translate...
Charlie: I don't read anything when I'm having a dump. My high fibre diet means it doesn't last long enough to finish an article in Newsweek. Besides, I like to focus on the sensation.

John: Wise advice, but the douche is the future.

Beth: I'm sure it has some pompous official name, Beth, but don't you think "poo-poo machine" tells you everything you need to know?

Billy: That must be because dogs don't have the enzymes to break down chocolate. You should experiment with other foodstuffs and write an article for The Canine Chronicle.

Kage: I like the embarrassed smile on her face, though. What sort of facial expression would you give us in that position?

Jimmy: I never realised vitamin tablets can pass right through. Maybe you ought to chew them before swallowing.

The Owl Wood: I have no respect for a man who boasts about his military service. Your blacksmith sounds like an unsung genius, though.

Jon: I'm sure gorilla dung would do wonders for your tomatoes. I'll unload as much as I have if I'm ever in your neighbourhood.
This is old hat. McDonald's have been turning food into shit for decades.
i like the museum's mission statement, GB.
well. i made a visit to a rubbish processing/ recycling plant - it was shitty too.
poor people who work there.
Well as far as I know.. girls only poo out ice cream. Cause we're so sweet you know? ;)

So that girl in the bottom picture, she's making you a nice soft serve. Now say thank you to her.

After the nutrients are out of the food, it still has a use by something living ,like a Dung Beetle. Its the old saying "One mans garbage is another mans treasure".

RE:"Food contains shit". Ever heard of fiber? Without fiber your intestine can't push out the used crap.
DANG, who needs a poo poo machine when you can just eat a great Mexican meal. The food turns into shit before you can even make it to the privacy of your chambers. So many tacos, so many sharts.
Steve: And people still buy it. If you could shit out chicken McNuggets you could quit your job and become a full-time writer.

Jaya: Maybe you should visit the museum the next time you're in Australia, Jaya. The bad news is that it's in Tasmania.

Laura: What charming nonsense you talk, Laura! (Hugs!).

Mark: Yes, I've heard of fibre, my diet is rich in it. That's why I never have to expend too much effort in emptying my bowels.

Just keeping it real: It sounds like you don't have the stomach for it. Maybe only when you're constipated.
That's funny shit....get it ?
A hint of guacamole? That almost sounds appetizing, GB.

i think my facial expression would be a "you better not be taking my fucking picture right now" sort of thing.
Reminds me of a foul line from my younger days: "I'd eat her shit for a mile just to see where it comes from."
Nowadays, I'll just order Chinese takeout, thank you very much.
And make the dog avert his eyes.
Speechless GB, speechless!

It's certainly an art imagining pretty girl doing sh... poop whilst smiling for the camera! :D

Machine making excrement... give it few hundred years, it may well be classic! :)
Barfly: Funny shit? It would have to be a peculiar shape to make me laugh.

Robyn: I wouldn't quite go that far, Robyn. Maybe it could be used as a pigment.

Kage: That sounds like a great facial expression, Ms Kage. They ought to teach it at drama school.

Al: I never realised coprophilia was all the rage when you were young. Was it during the Nixon administration?

Hannah: I doubt anyone could smile like that if they were actually pooping, Hannah. Maybe it's possible while having a pee.
Thanks for clarifying the food-shit equation - I have been wondering about that for a while now.

Next time people ask me why I'm a vegetarian, I'll tell them the story about the female acrobat and the steak!
I never knew you were a vegetarian, Debs. It seems we have more in common than I thought!
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