Monday, May 14, 2012

Animal news

A Chinese zoo-keeper has saved a monkey’s life by licking its anus. The silly creature got constipated after swallowing a peanut, but Zhang Bangsheng managed to coax the nut out by stimulating the orifice from which it eventually emerged. You’ve got to admire a man who restores a monkey to good health by rimming it for an hour. He deserves the title of “Righteous among the Humans” for his selfless act.

Some of you might be wondering why licking a monkey’s anus would cause it to excrete a nut. My response to such a question would be: Why are you asking me? If I had to guess, I would say it induces involuntary contractions in the monkey’s sphincter that progress up the digestive tract. But that would be pure speculation on my part. All I can say for certain is that you shouldn’t try it yourself. Leave such avant-garde techniques to the professionals – when you get constipated, put your faith in a trusty old suppository rather paying someone to give you analingus.

The good thing about this story is that it happened in China, refuting the unpleasant stereotype of the Chinese as a race of humans who heal sick animals by chopping them up and frying them in their woks. Many Chinese, in fact, are Buddhists who refrain from eating meat. An ancient Zen master once said that the truly enlightened will take pains to save the life of an insect. He was talking nonsense, of course, but his words were wise in spirit. Too many people don’t look where they’re sitting before planting their fat behinds.

Sadly, many humans lack the ancient philosophical wisdom of the Chinese. More lacking than most are the Welsh, who only ever practised vegetarianism when the English ate all their livestock. You wouldn’t catch a Welshman licking a monkey’s anus unless extortion or slavery were involved. Constipated primates are told to go for a curry in Wales.

The true attitude of the Welsh to animals is aptly illustrated by a recent incident in Australia, where a couple of cheeky boyos visited an aquatic menagerie in Queensland. Not being familiar with zoos (which don’t exist in Wales), they treated the animals like theme part exhibits to be toyed with at leisure. After letting off a fire extinguisher in the shark pool, they took one of the penguins back to their hotel, no doubt playing games with it in the bath. They were arrested soon afterwards and brought before a magistrate, who fined them without recording convictions, accepting the argument that they were mindless oafs rather than vandals.

What these stories show is that you’ve got to allow for culture and upbringing when judging human behaviour. Licking a monkey’s anus isn’t necessarily a lewd act if the person doing has been tutored in oriental philosophies advocating compassion for all living things. And treating a penguin as a bath toy isn’t a malicious act if the persons doing it are yokels from a bumpkin nation. Context is everything.

I wonder who enjoyed it most - the man or the monkey. I bet that monkey wasn't constipated at all, just a story the keeper made up after he was caught in the act.

You should meet my Dad, you and he appear to have similar feelings towards the Welsh.
In humans, an old if relatively infrequently used technique to stimulate breathing is to stimulate the anal sphincter with some judicious stretching. The scientific explanation involves stimulation of nerves that affect respiration, although I just think it's the surprise of someone doing such a thing to you makes you gasp like a violated mudskipper.
Oh my goodness!? Eeew! Gah! Yak! He evidently knew what he was doing... dirtycowgirl is making rather valid point - it does certainly make you wonder...

Ah, Welsh - that of island species... :D
I bet that monkey is popping Immodium like an addict. What could be finer than having your arse kissed all day?
A fire extinguisher in a shark's pool seems about as misplaced as a peanut in a monkey's bottom.

I wonder what was most upsetting for penguin Dirk: being kidnapped, being released in a canal or being reunited with his partner Peaches...
This reminds me of when Sarah Silverman was put on trial for licking her dog's anus. I don't care the reason, a human licking a monkey's anus is a crime which should be punishable by a fine of 600 yen, or life imprisonment. And the Welsh oafs deserve severe punishment as well. Letting them off because they are idiots sends the wrong message. Next time I do something stupid, we will see if the "i'm an idiot" defense works for me. I am betting it will not.
Dirty Cowgirl: I actually love the Welsh, Ms Cowgirl. They remind me of adolescent gorillas.

The Jules: I assume it's not used much today because it falls within the definition of statutory rape. Mind you, the kiss of life is quite intimate too.

Hannah: Isn't it something any animal lover should be willing to do, Hannah? The monkey would have run anyway if it didn't like it.

Steve: You're forgetting it was constipated at the time. The pleasure it got was relief rather than ecstasy.

Deborah: That might depend what happened to it after it was kidnapped, Deb. Those Welshmen need to be interrogated.

Jimmy: Was Sarah Silverman trying to save her dog's life by licking its anus? I would have voted to acquit if she had. I would also vote to acquit if you if your idiocy was funny enough.
I'm pretty sure I would have just let the monkey die.
taken it to a vet where they could have done some sort of other procedure ...

I think the man just wanted to lick the monkey's bum for an hour... ;)

the Welsh boys should whipped for their actions, GB.

its ironic, but most chinese i know, also mostly Buddhists, are not vegetarians. they eat exotic animals.
licking a monkey's anus ? hehehe. yikes, GB. yikes.
This makes me wonder about humans... just... wonder...

how could i not read this after reading the title? Oh boy, i don't even, just... i'm friggen lost for words.
I wonder if the poor chap was simply misunderstood while testing primates for musical properties? I once got a high-C out of a goat.
I'm lost for words. There's a love for animals and there's a LOVE for animals that goes beyond reason. You've got to give the man some credit for being able to work his tongue for an hour but surely a warm, wet flannel would have sufficed. However, I have a Chinese student living with me at present and he told me that they pick up and eat spiders as they run past. I think I can see a new Karl Pilkington show coming on....
Yes, indeed – context is everything. If I ever encounter such a “do or die” situation, I’ll let the professionals and those “tutored in oriental philosophies” take over. Hope they arrive in time - I’d hate to have to watch any creature die from a peanut in their butt.
I'd rather send the monkey to the vet
You've written about grotesque scenarios, GB, but this one's as disturbing as it gets. I mean, playing with a penguin in a hotel room bathtub? Eww. =)

Laura: Do you think it might have tasted good, Laura? Or maybe it's an acquired taste.

Jaya: They sound like half-baked Buddhists to me, Jaya. Maybe you should ask them if they would lick a monkey's anus.

Catherine: I'm glad you're a good enough girl to be shocked, Catherine.

The Owl: A high C? Wouldn't that have required poking rather than licking?

Juliette: How I wish Karl P had been there to witness the analingus! I think he might have been won over after the peanut came out.

Beth: You could use a warm, wet flannel, Beth. There's no excuse for loitering around doing nothing.

Adam: Never ask someone else to lick an anus that you wouldn't lick yourself.

Robyn: Isn't it just, Robyn? I shudder to think what variety of water polo they were playing with that poor creature.
I always presumed one would bust a nut, not pass a nut, if someone licked their anus.

I think a group of poets said it best...

Lick, lick, lick, lick, lick my booty
It's hot, but it's juicy
Stick out your tongue, like a snake
Bite my ass, girl, like a grape

- The Boys From the Bottom, 1992
It occurs to me that the same results could have been brought about with a moistened fingertip.

I bet it occurred to him too, but by then his tongue was already halfway up that monkey's arse.
my dog makes me kiss her arse before she'll listen to any of my suggestions so i can see a monkey taking it one step further.
Couldn't he just give the monkey some prunes? He has to lick it's ass? Really? I think he's just into licking monkey butts . . ,
I've been told on good authority that the Welsh like to lick sheep anuses. That may be a malicious lie, but where would we be without them
I must praise this man for his job comittment! if he does not get a raise he should complain! and as they say life is a shit sandwich but in china its a monkey.
Chris: Amazing that they admitted to such unmanly desires! Would any girl be impressed by their entreaties? I think not!

Kage: Are you saying a moist finger feels the same as a tongue, Ms Kage? I'd like to have that in writing, please.

Billy: Sounds like you've been spoiling your dog, Billy.

Dr Ken: Prunes would have taken too long, Dr Ken, he had to get that nut out quickly. What would you have done?

Nota Bene: It is a malicious lie, they like to have intercourse with sheep. And only some of them.

Charlie: I think he was acting out of compassion rather than a sense of duty. But I agree with you that he deserves a raise.
Man... just one more example of how China is surpassing us!!!

They are officially now the leaders in anal animal licking!!!
You know, I saw that picture with the same description but I just casually passed it by assuming it was spam/a joke. Can't believe that's real though, kudos to that man for saving the monkey's life. And thanks for posting it, otherwise I would have kept assuming it was a joke!
I hope the monkey at least had the decency to call in the morning.
Madman: The West had better fund its own monkey-licking program to maintain a strategic balance.

Matt: I'm glad you use this blog as a reliable source of information. Too many people are misled by any old rubbish they read.

Al: The monkey was spanked in the morning leaving it in no condition to call anyone.
As a member of an anglo chinese family I am afraid to say that we conform to the stereotype here...every critter regardlaess of size or cuteness is a potential meal.
It's never to late to adopt the practices of the Shaolin temple.
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