Friday, April 20, 2012

Sound effects

The manager of the safari camp is pestering me to enter the farting competition announced by the De Wolfe Music Company.

“You can record them on my MP3 player!” he exclaimed. “I’ll do the editing myself and send them your finest 21-gun salute! How could anyone match a gorilla’s heavy artillery? The competition would be blown away!”

I knew better than to fall for such bogus flattery. He obviously wanted to use my bowel sounds for his own nefarious ends.

“I’m afraid that’s out of the question,” I replied. “Recording the rumblings from my stormy interior would violate our sacred jungle taboos. A gorilla does not give away the sacred music of his intestines. I thank you, nevertheless, for praising my wind-making abilities. It’s always nice to have one’s talents recognised.”

The competition is sure to have many worthy entrants without my participation, but I do not give it my unqualified blessing. Although recording lavatory noises for posterity is obviously a worthwhile endeavour and a source of wonder for future generations, the rules of the competition permit simulated farts to be entered. I don’t know about you, but I have no respect for people who manufacture phoney flatulence by squelching their underarms or blowing raspberries. Allowing such fake noises to compete with authentic anal blasts will make a mockery of the whole thing as far as I’m concerned.

It also troubles me that De Wolfe are planning to sell the winning farts to the entertainment industry. I deplore their connivance in such acoustic deception. When I hear a fart in a movie or pop video, I want it to be a real one rather than a noise dubbed in from a sounds-effects library. Would Humphrey Bogart or Dame Vera Lynn have used a fart double? Of course not! Those old-school pros performed from the gut.

So what should be done with the winning farts? In my view, the welfare of the common folk should take precedence over the commercial interests of the show-business community. I would make them freely available for public use. Imagine the delight they would bring to birthday parties, weddings and christenings! People listening to a pompous speech or boring sermon could register their lack of interest with a crisp “parp”, rather than by yawning or picking their noses. What better way to release the pent-up frustrations of the masses and unburden their downtrodden souls?

When all is said and done, I disapprove of fart noises being traded like commodities or sold to the highest bidder. Farts are part of Nature’s bounty, like the rivers and mountains and herds of roaming buffalo. One can no more claim ownership of them than the geysers in Yellowstone Park, which spurt freely and proudly in front of admiring spectators. The next time you hear good one, treat it as a natural wonder to rival ‘Old Faithful’ and give it a hearty round of applause. If you don’t savour the good things in life, you may as well watch frogs mate.

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I wonder if any of Bogart's leading ladies ever applauded his farting abilities... and what the male to female ratio is on the fart scale. Showcasing is so unladylike though.
Let's just pray that there isn't a catastrophic 'O'-Ring malfunction on his Shit-Air Separator. Oh, the humanity!
What if these recordings steal the "thunder" of boys everywhere who use this type of activity as a gaming/bonding experience with their buddies? What will teenage boys do to entertain themselves? Alas, it's merely one more way that technology is destroying a time-tested past time!
I agree. A simulated fart, is no fart at all.
A fake fart is akin to faking an orgasm. Ya gotta own the real thing baby or it just ain't worth it!!!
how come when frogs do it, they don't have 'mating' faces , GB ?
Oh my god! I don't know whats funnier - the post or the comments!
the accompanying picture troubles me. surely the man doesn't need to squat over a woman's face to produce an adequate farting sound?

i feel like she is staring death right in the brown eye.
I'm just wondering if frogs fart, when mating or otherwise. What do you say, GB?

I wonder if the winner of this exercise will be an inhabitant of Chicago, USA? Is Chicago not known as "The Windy City"?

Were the event a more authentic one I might feel it appropriate to rustle up a pottage of Jerusalem Artichokes and enter my own fair posterior. Last time I ate Jerusalem Artichokes I considered dialling 999 for an ambulance, citing near-lethal and uncontrollable bottom burps to the unfortunate emergency operator. It was most unpleasant. Such are the vagaries of life's little allergies.
I agree. Fart should be free and free forever. Once they start getting sold as a commodity it will be downhill from that point on... before you know it the powers that be will levy a fart tax and get us all to pay through the nose.
Azra: They might well have slapped Bogart's face, but he wouldn't have minded. Men like Bogart weren't put off by getting their faces slapped. I believe women do fart, Miss Azra, although maybe less often. There's a book called How to fart like a lady.

Al: There's no need for fancy technology if you douche first. A powerful jet of water will flush out anything in its path.

Angie: Fortunately they won't be able to reproduce the smell or light them, which is also part of the bonding experience. Check out this link.

John: Have you ever tried lighting one of yours?

Tennyson: I'm sure your well-tuned musical ear can tell the difference.

Keeping it real: That's a fascinating analogy. What's your position on queefing? Is it faking a fart or an activity in its own right?

Jaya: Frogs don't copulate, Jaya, they just squirt stuff into the water like fish. Anyone would look bored doing that.

Vanessa: Hello and welcome, Vanessa. Glad you're enjoying the party.

Kage: And yet she is lying there willingly, without shackles. She must be doing penance for some terrible sin, like making her cat sniff her panties.

Robyn: Frogs are full of wind, Robyn, but I've got a feeling they only let it out through their mouths. Nature is full of such quirks.

The Owl Wood: What makes you think the event is not authentic, given that it's being sponsored by a leading firm in the music industry? Such snooty English airs would not go down well in America. I don't think you should enter in any case, given that you don't even enjoy farting.

Steve: Hah! I wonder if that's the origin of the expression "paying through the nose". Maybe people were fined for complaining about farts when Oliver Cromwell was Lord Protector.
There's nothing i love more than letting a good one rip...for my own personal pleasure of course. But sadly due to my...ermmm....huge arse, the sound tends to get muffled....

Still! An enjoyable pastime...
If the winner (winners?) are entitled to royalties, I’m sending the link to my kids – they’ve been competing for years! They might as well make some $$ with their “talent.”
What is it with men and public gaseous emissions?
ehm, someone's been eating lots of beans...? Or just a usual Gorilla's diet? ; )
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ahh, robbie burns.

wherever ye may be, let the wind blow free!
Ah yes, queefing is definitely an activity in it's own right as it's completely unintentional. You just can't control a queef. Air goes in during yoga, sex, whatever, and out pops a queef. A fart is something you feel more in your gut and have more control over whether you can let 'er rip or stifle it back.
Once I ate an indian dish(bangladeshi to be accurate) called nawabi murgh stik . The very next day I farted in waterstones book shop, the effect was exceptional! people visibly moved away from the origin. My friend though it was the most pungent fart he had ever smelt, he was as disgusted as he was envious of my work.
As an added bonus it was dropped in the military section. This of course is where my serious point comes in. What were to happen if this competition was put to some foul use? I for one was banned form eating the dish ever again.
I agree. And like Old Faithful itself, I'm as regular as clockwork. On the minute, every minute.
Sabrina: That's a pity, Saby. Would a microphone and amplifier help?

Beth: I think they enjoy forcing other people to hear and smell them, Beth. It's an easy way of dominating the battlefield.

Hannah: We gorillas prefer fruit and vegetables, Hannah. They produce a more piquant aroma.

Jimmy: That's an interesting marketing idea, but I suspect it would attract a lot of college boys expecting fart videos in every post.

Billy: Yes, I've heard Scotland is a very windy place.

Just keeping it real: So queefing is totally involuntary thing like hiccuping then? That's got to be more embarrassing than farting.

Charlie: Well, the competition is about sound not smell, so your curry gas bomb may not have impressed the judges. I assume the hot spices influenced its aroma.

The Jules: You must have a very methodology digestive system... and a very predictable diet.
This might just be a contest I could win.
Maybe farting could become an olympic sport, the UK might get a few more golds if it was.

Why is the man in the picture wearing a nappy ? He must be worried about following through.
I wonder what the rules say about that possibility.
Authentic anal blasts! Ha! love that. I'm not a fan of them myself; more the smell than the noise.
I once knew someone who burnt his boxers trying to light one - silly boy.
I probably shouldn't admit to this, but it was a long time ago... When I worked on an oil refinery in the UK years ago, I would sometimes amuse my tiny mind by farting into the gas detectors and setting off the alarms. A simple little pleasure, it was.
Oh come on now at the end of a long day and I am tired I just listen to a fart on my phone then I laugh every time!!!
It was not a hot dish, but it was very nutty
hahah, glad to see that the human race is so damn classy. god would be so proud.

-note the sarcasm in my imaginary voice that sounds in your head as you read this-
What is it about farts? It's one of the most humiliating bodily functions, and yet it always seems to be the popular kid in school. lol
Dirty Cowgirls: Do you think women could compete on equal terms with men, or would they have to have their own event?

Juliette: Very true, Jules. No one likes the smell unless it's their own one. Do you open the window or use air freshener?

Renka: It must be quite an art to keep the flame at the optimal distance to ignite the gust rather than the undies.

Jon: What would life be without these innocuous little amusements. Did you ever confess?

JTILIS: You mean there's a fart-line where you live? Amazing ideas people come up with.

Charlie: Interesting. I doubt it was the nuts that gave it its potency.

Catherine: You must know a few boys who let it rip at school, Catherine. In some schools they are minor celebrities.

Frisky Virgin: Farts bring everyone down to same level, Miss Virgin. And everyone does them, including the Queen and Doris Day.
Both Mr Gorilla Bananas. Anything to eradicate!
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