Monday, April 16, 2012

The Love Butt

A story from Miami is making me happy and sad at the same time, which is quite an achievement for an everyday human tale of yearning and fulfilment. I don’t usually experience such a complex mix of emotions unless mating elephants are involved. 

It concerns a 43-year-old divorcee called Jenny Fizgerald, who in spite of her name is a sultry, olive-skinned Latina (see picture). Believing that her flat backside was discouraging potential suitors, Jenny forked out 10,000 dollars for buttock-reshaping surgery, which gave her a delectably peachy rump, very ripe for the plucking (see picture). Shortly afterwards, she got engaged to a 42-year-old hombre called Carlos, who has the face of a compulsive booty-ogler. 

“I know my new bum made this happen!” said Jenny delightedly. “And I know Carlos loves it too – he’s always staring.” 

Is that all he does? Perhaps Jenny’s ladylike modesty prevented her from mentioning more tactile forms of appreciation.

"Her bottom is why I noticed her in the first place,” agreed Carlos. “Without it we might never have spoken." 

He's got a point. A fabulous arse is a great ice-breaker. Whenever my old friend Smacker Ramrod saw an attractive woman at a party, he used to circumnavigate her discreetly before attempting to make conversation. A clear mental picture of her posterior helped him find the right words and focus on the task at hand. Some may call such behaviour sexist, but let us acknowledge a simple truth: most women would rather have their bottom admired than listen to a lot of guff about the price of oil or the G-12 summit. I’m sure that’s even true of female politicians like Hilldog and Frau Merkel. 

So why did this story make me feel happy? I should hope it’s obvious. Gorilla Bananas cares about his human cousins and wants them to achieve their dreams. It tickles the cockles of my heart that Jenny has transformed her life by acquiring a pert behind. 

“I finally feel great and sexy about myself,” she said. 

I bet she does. Full marks to Jenny for realising that it’s never too late to boost your self-esteem by improving the texture of your tush. It thrills me that her delectable derrière solicited a marriage proposal from a man she deemed worthy of the honour. And although I’m not 100% certain about Carlos, I can’t fault his taste in tail, or deny the happiness his regard for the rear has brought. In the words of the Indian chief whose name I forget, my heart soars like a hawk! 

And yet there is also sadness. 

As a gorilla who lives in the wild, nestling snugly in the bosom of Mother Nature, I can’t condone artificially enhancing the bottom by cutting and sucking and pumping it. If Jenny had told me about her plans for cosmetic surgery, I would have invited her to stay with my tribe for a couple of months. There is no better way of getting your butt in shape than living like a gorilla – our tree-climbing, kick-dancing, flesh-massaging lifestyle goes hand-in-hand with a rock-solid rump. Some of us had buns of steel before steel was invented.

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you're right. i would rather hear about how cute i am than discuss the price of G12 summit oil, or whatever the hell you said.

down with feminism, up with my arse!
Butt implants? Have we humans really come to this? Making arses of ourselves?!
The shallowness of humanity is staggering. Is it any wonder the divorce rate is sky-rocketing? When it comes to marriage, Call me old- fashioned, but I thought its whats inside that counts, not the packaging. Then again, if all you are after is "breaking one off", arse texture is a pretty good filter.
How I wish that I had "buns of steel". Mine are Dutch Delftware - white, with little blue windmills and clogs. Got my buttocks shot off during the war - nasty incident involvin' a "borrowed" Kubelwagen and a close relative of Dietrich. The doctors say that I must expect crazing and discolouration before I see my pension. Such is tragedy.

Meantime - I don't suppose that you have the telephone number of the silverback to the right of frame, do you?
What a bummer! What I find hardest to believe that anyone would be happy to be portrayed (just like that) in this light… unless of course it pays for the ‘bum’ expenses… how very sad! to have to find love through your, ahem...
You're right about Gorillas having buns of steel GB... lucky them. Not so lucky for some of us though. See eligible South African men don't like big behinds and this is where some of us fail dismally. Not that these men are anything to write home about. But that has been a dilemma me and my kind has had to deal with since forever.
Kage: Up with your arse, Ms Kage? Isn't it high enough already?

Steve: They didn't use implants to manufacture her new arse. The secret is in the link, I won't spoil it for you.

Bagholder: But it was what was inside that counted. The contents of her arse cheeks, to be precise.

The Owl wood: As a disabled war veteran, I would have thought you were entitled to free arse surgery. The silverback on the right doesn't have any vacancies in his harem so there's no need to pester him.

Hannah: She's very proud of her new arse, Hannah, and I don't blame her for wanting to show it off. Is there a better way of finding love?

Azra: That surprises me, Miss Azra. I would have expected the big arse to be popular in South Africa. Maybe you need to move to Brazil.
I’m booking a trip the Congo – no artificial enhancement for me (or my butt). ;)
That's quite an arse there, GB. As long as she is happy. But the husband does seem a little suspicious.
I love a good behind too :) a good one on me, I mean.
Good thing she didn't have any flesh shifted from her boobs.
Yes, I am that shallow.
Most of the black cultures like them. The whites are impartial and the Asians turn their noses skyward or hang you out to dry.
Let's hope that the charming Carlos is as willing as Jenny to improve his physical attributes. Definitely a meeting of great minds.
but again, as i've said before, Pipa has no bum. sorry!
Augmented bottoms can be viewed on a daily basis, in the UK, either by tuning into Channel 18 (so-called 4Music) or Channel 21 (Viva), where all R'n'B promos promote surgically-enhanced rump steak. Other channels are available.
Beth: You'd be welcomed with open arms, Beth. Can you climb trees?

Jaya: Apparently Carlos owns a heavy machinery business, so he must have an eye for a well-designed implement. I wish your bum good health, Jaya. I assume it's got more flesh on it than Pippa's scrawny butt.

Al: Not too shallow to read the link and do your homework and get a gold star for being the best student in class. I don't think boobs contain the right tissue anyway.

Azra: The Asians? What a betrayal! Indira Varma's bum is their best contribution to the movie industry!

Renka: Yes, let's hope so. What's sauce for the goose is chutney for the chipmunk. Carlos will need to up his game to keep a woman like Jenny.

Time Warden: What makes you so sure they're all surgically enhanced? I think you underestimate the natural talent of R'n'B performers.
Why do humans have such a hard time finding a mate?? This Jenny chick had to have butt surgery before she could attract a man?? And how did you get through this entire post without making a single fart joke???
i agree....most humans love the butt...
BTW....that picture of the gorillas scary
Plus it would really be unsettling to see milk shoot out some girl's arse.
I was going to say something derogatory about a man who is only attracted to someone because of the size of her arse.
Or a woman who thinks she needs to go that far in order to snare one.

But then I had to think about how much of a factor the size of a mans wallet plays in whether he attracts me or not.
So I don't think I'll bother.

Wouldn't want anyone thinking I was a hypocrite would I ? Golddigger I can liver with.
But I might pack a bag and come and spend a while in the jungle, rich men like buns of steel too.

ps. I take it that's a pic of you ?
liver with ?

but what's carlos going to do when that arse starts getting wider and wider?
Mine had gotten so big you could use it as a table for a tea party. But a bazillion squats later, and it's shaping up. Still a long way to go but, no matter what, I'm not the surgery kind of gal. But, hey, whatever floats your boat, eh? LOL
Jimmy: I never make fart jokes when I'm discussing the butt as a sexual attraction. It would spoil the mood.

Reality Jayne: I hope that means you appreciate a good tush, Jayne. Don't worry about those apes, they're just putting on a show.

Al: Be careful what internet porn you watch. I could give you a list of sites to avoid.

Dirty Cowgirl: Hello, Ms Cowgirl. Don't you like a good arse too? I'd be very surprised if money was all you looked for in a man. That's not a picture of me, I usually find a peaceful way of resolving my disputes. You'd be welcome in the jungle if your behind needs some attention.

Billy: I suppose he could pay for more surgery if Jenny loses the struggle to keep it in shape.

Emptynester: That's wonderful news, Mrs Emptynester! I hope you're going to tell us more about your bottom and the exercises you do to get it in shape!
You know i get the whole obsession with boobs..., but the arse...i don't quite get.

What do you reckon is the psychological explanation for this, Bananas?
Carlos is an ass kisser, that's for sure.

The six million dollar man had buns of steel? this is the modern age, buns of carbon fibre is the future, and they are lighter to bootie. And what about reconstructive surgery GB looking at those fine gnashers things could get hairy in a fight.
I do think Sir Mix-a-Lot said it best, "I like big butts and I cannot lie." Oh, Amen brother, you speak the truth!!
Sabrina: Well the arse is more spankable, Saby. And didn't you know that boobs evolved to imitate the arse? Boob cleavage and butt cleavage are very similar up close.

Robyn: It's probably one of his better qualities, Robyn.

Charlie: "Buns of carbon fibre" doesn't quite have the same ring to it, though, does it? These are only metaphors - a non-organic behind would be a tragedy for all involved.

Tennyson: Spoken like a man from the Mother Continent!
"....boobs evolved to imitate the arse?"

Hahahahahahaha....oh Bananas!
I promise you it's true, Saby! I don't just invent stuff like that!
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