Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Gorillas in the fog

I’m getting emails from people asking me if I know Angelique Todd, the English girl who’s hanging out with a tribe of gorillas in the Central African Republic. Obviously not. Her base camp is 300 miles away, and I’m not going to travel all that distance to say hello to a woman with a face like Squirrel Nutkin. She'd be most welcome to visit us, of course, and we'd extend her every courtesy short of milking the suckling hippo. English women may love their dairy products, but we gorillas don’t grope animals that outweigh us by half a ton. 

Ms Todd has been getting a very good press for learning to speak the gorilla tongue and befriending Makumba, the resident silverback. It seems that his mean and moody mannerisms have made a profound impression on her: 

“Hearing Makumba’s grunt of hello in the mornings makes every sacrifice worthwhile,” she chirped. 

That’s what I call a low-maintenance female! I have to be honest here and admit that I’ve never induced a state of euphoria in a woman merely by grunting. I usually have to swing them by their ankles in a circular motion until they get dizzy, which is much harder work. 

One thing I’m glad about is that Angelique has got hitched to a local fellow and borne him a daughter. This should discourage the gossip that bedevilled poor Dian Fossey regarding her intimate friendship with her favourite silverback. In truth, no male gorilla could safely mate with a woman. He’d first have to undergo the pussification procedure that Superman subjected himself to before he could pork Lois Lane (see Superman II). Any gorilla that much in love with a woman would deserve to have a coconut dropped on his head from a great height. 

Anyway, I’m sure Angelique will have nothing to fear from Makumbo as long as she shaves her legs and doesn’t wiggle her bottom at him. He already owes her a debt of gratitude for all the favourable publicity. The gorilla nation (by which I mean me) thanks Ms Todd for her good PR work on our behalf, and looks forward to reading her jungle memoirs. When she does put pen to paper, I hope she writes in a measured factual way rather than telling the world what magnificent sexy beasts we are. Nobody likes an arse-licker and praise is rarely taken seriously when it’s over-the-top. 

Another species currently getting a lot of attention from humans are dolphins. An international panel of scientists has announced that these slippery sea-mammals should be classified as non-human persons. While I’m all in favour of giving them greater legal protection, I worry that uplifting their status might give them ideas. Dolphins are insatiable sex maniacs, and no tourist beach would be safe if they acquired a taste for human tail. 

Maybe someone should carry out background checks on these scientists to make sure they don’t have ulterior motives. I’ve heard stories of marine biologists gate-crashing dolphin orgies and rimming blowholes in their free time. Spending half your life in the ocean can do funny things to you.

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You had me (my laughter) with “Squirrel Nutkin.”
Just hope that girl is "dolphin-safe."
I always thought Jane Goodall was in love with the chimps..
I bet chimps would "do it " with a human if given the chance....I can tell
I think there was a story a few years ago about a woman marrying a dolphin. Wonder if she has perennial after-glow.

obviously these so called international scientists haven't read the hitchhikers guide to the universe.

so long and thanks for the fish.
I usually have to swing them by their ankles in a circular motion until they get dizzy, which is much harder work.

i wake up and i see this, and laugh out loud, GB.
Miss Todd actually got hitched to a local fellow and had a daughter? I reckon she takes her work far too seriously...

As for the dolphins, a few months ago I happened to see a school/pod of dolphins from a ship. They were in their natural habitat and it was completely unexpected and I must say that it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. My reaction surprised even me. I never thought I'd feel so amazed and in awe at seeing freaking dolphins.

SO yeah by all means, give them "non-human persons" status just don't expect us to shag them.
that there is the reason I won't swim with them. pretty to look at..but.... eeek.
Legal rights as non-human persons? Plainly this is paving the way to prepare us for alien invasion and granting equality to chavs.
Look what happened when ambitious scientists augmented several sharks' brains in Deep Blue Sea... The animated creatures only went and had it away with Saffron Burrows!
What a coincidence! We have an orang-utan (might be an orang-ubeige; I'm not good with colours) staying at Owl Towers! Name of Derek, reckons to be some sort of anthrop-apologist or somethin'.

Anyway, he's doing an extensive study into whether the lower orders such as Humen and Huwomen should be taken seriously. S'been dashed difficult gettin' him fitted for huntin' pinks and findin' a decent pair of boots. Bloody good with a Purdey though and you should see his fly-fishin' technique, amazing.
Beth: I hope I wasn't too cruel, Beth. She's not a bad-looking woman and a lot of people think squirrels are cute.

Al: They must have caught her with a dolphin-friendly woman-net.

Reality Jayne: A male chimp will mount any woman who smells right. I'm not sure Jane Goodall was their type, though.

Robyn: After-ache would be more likely than after-glow, Robyn. I hope the poor woman was cured of her infatuation.

Billy: Unfortunately it's not on the reading list for Marine Biology 101. I remember the reference to fish, but I don't recall any underwater activities.

Jaya: That's good, Jaya! I hope it helped cure your jet lag too!

Azra: I would have shared your awe and amazement, Miss Azra. I've never understood how these sea creatures can navigate without charts or compasses.

IWBY: It's a frightening thought, isn't it? I've heard male dolphins won't take 'no' for an answer.

Steve: I doubt the aliens would be here if they needed humans to recognise their rights. Maybe offering them the chavs as specimens would satisfy them?

Time Warden: That was pure fantasy. Sharks prefer women with plenty of meat on them and Saffron Burrows is a waif!

The Owl Wood: I wouldn't take his anthropological pretensions seriously. Orang-utans are only interested in partying with humans - they have no interest in study or scholarship.
More bad news for you average run of the mill, mild-mannered, genteel, ordinary "nice guy." Women are apparently tiring of your average boneheaded, rock ape, baboon brained (no offense Gorilla Bananas) "bad boy", but that doesn't mean she will stoop to spending the rest of her life with some pathetic nerdy "nice guy." Evidently, women are bailing the homosapien ship all together, and shacking up with baboons in the jungle. This is bad news for me, Gorilla Bananas, but perhaps good news for you (though I guess you made it clear that "a woman with a face like Squirrel Nutkin" is not your cup of peanut brittle). UNLESS there is some kind of cologne or body spray, maybe something called "Scent of the Gorilla" which I could use to lure these females back into the human camp. Gorilla Bananas, PLEASE, I am begging you, can you get me some of the gorilla cologne from your local ape Avon store and send it to me, before I end up permanently "forever alone"??? ~your loyal human reader, Jimmy Fungus
Oooh la la! More monkey business! :D I guess some find it difficult surviving the ‘real jungle’ in the city… turning to more ‘traditional’ way of living… ?
Bizarrely, I happen to know Angelique as we studied together in Madchester in the nineties.

She's a top lass, as the primates say up there. If you were a gorilla and had to be studied by someone, you could do lot worse!

Me for instance. My study technique involves endless questionnaires that would tax the patience of the most stoic and research enthusiastic of silverbacks.
While I'm a girl in her prime, I don't think I could mate with a non-human person dolphin. The high pitch of dolphin orgasm would surely strike me deaf.
I used to know a girl who had a squirrel nutkin face and a scientist, she really liked jelly, does the lovely lady like jelly at all?
As for mating across the animal devide, i have seen many a chav so it does happen.
...snort...chuckle...Bah hahahahahaha....sorry...chortle...would write more...can't...stop...snort...laughing...
Jimmy: Don't lose hope, man, even nerdy guys have a moody inner ape capable of carrying chicks off to the tree house. Forget about cologne and trust in your natural body scent.

Hannah: The jungle has different sounds and smells to the city, Hannah. Some girls want to experience new things!

Jules: That's marvellous! How about getting in touch with her and giving us an update?

Angie: You'd have bigger things to worry about than the sounds they make, Angie. Have you ever checked out a male dolphin?

Charlie: Do you think girls with squirrelly faces have a preference for jelly? It's worth investigating, but I feel it might be a coincidence.

EmptyNester: You look as if you're about to burst in your profile picture!
I thought i'd already followed you but apparently i didnt. oh well, problem fixed now!

this was hilarious, exactly what i needed. the girl however, looks like shes having a little too much fun down there...
Hello and welcome, Catherine. I am honoured to count you as one of my followers! Don't worry about the girl in the picture, she's just a little ticklish.
hi, i'm here for my swinging session?
Wait your turn, baby. Aren't you already high on life?
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