Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Ghost story

News arrives of a haunted pub in England, plagued by a ghost who sneaks around pinching people’s bottoms. One who fell prey to the phantom was Paula Wharton, the assistant manager:

“One night three of us were talking and I mentioned that I’d felt this pinch on my bum, and everyone else said that it had happened to them too,” she explained.

That’s a pretty disturbing incident, but one shouldn’t jump to the conclusion that the ghost is an octopus-like creature extruding a plethora of groping arms. Humans (and apes) can be quick with their hands, and the victims could have been goosed in rapid succession rather than simultaneously.

The pub has hired a team of ghost-busters to expel the incubus, but in my view they ought to discover its identity first. It might be the ghost of someone famous like Benny Hill, which would make the pub a major attraction. I dare say the late comedian has millions of fans who would be honoured to have their arse tweaked by his astral being. They could easily find out whether it’s him by hiring a bald midget to sit on a bar stool and listening for the sound of his head being slapped. That was certainly a more definitive Benny Hill trademark than bum-pinching, which innumerable less distinguished men have dabbled in.

Incidentally, when I first saw Benny Hill on TV, many years ago in my circus days, I didn’t realise those head-slapping noises were electronically generated. In my eagerness to try it myself, I persuaded a clown to shave his head clean so I could pat it repeatedly. You can imagine my disappointment on being unable to replicate the TV noises, no matter how much wrist I put into it (and in all modesty, my wrist action is worthy of a table tennis champion). I eventually gave up in frustration and massaged some ointment into the clown’s sore scalp.

It’s quite possible, of course, that the ghost is some common-or-garden pervert who was hanged in the 16th century for groping Anne of Cleves. You don’t become a ghost unless your spirit is restless and unable to find peace, which it would be if your life had been cut short in the prime of your bum-pinching years. If so, they might have to lure it out of the pub by hiring a fat-arsed woman to prance about in the street outside. The ghost could then be tempted to pinch her juicy rump all the way to the nearest castle, where it could safely be disposed of.

One thing I’m glad about is that no one can accuse Silvio Berlusconi of being the ghost, for the obvious reason that he’s still alive. The latest allegation against him is that he invited strippers dressed as nuns to a “bunga-bunga” party. So what if he did? Everyone knows that nuns are passionate women who are only able to abstain from sex because their minds are so imaginative. Making them sex symbols is obviously an act of homage in a Catholic county.

I doubt it would be the ghost of Benny Hill. I believe he was rather abstemious in real life and rarely laid a hand on a woman. I suspect all that head slapping was merely some kind of weird sexual transferance.
Wonder what Berlusconi would say to having his bum pinched by a ghost. He'd probably like it.
I can't see what is so terrifying about getting your bum pinched.

It doesn't happen to me often enough for my liking.
I might move to Birmingham, and make that pub my local.
Of all the Queens, m’ladies, etc. to choose from, how in the world did you come up with Anne of Cleves? Poor Anne – banished for her looks (or lack of) & her butt now purportedly pinched by a pervert.
Forget that. I want to go to a pub that's haunted by a poltergeist who gives phantom hand jobs.
I remember when I was a small child my parents would make sure that I was in bed before Benny Hill came on. One night when they were out late, I convinced a babysitter to let me stay up extra late just so I could see what all the fuss was about. It took me 12 or so years to figure it out. :)
ah, the nun and the prime minister. that old chestnut.

how i wish my nun costume and i had been living in italy from 2008-2011. i could have been a gaziliionaire by now.
Steve: You've got a point. I believe he was a receiver rather than a giver. But maybe being invisible has given him the confidence to spread his wings.

Azra: That would depend whether he has sufficient feeling in his leathery old tush. I apologise for putting that image in your head, Miss Azra.

Dirtycowgirl: I bet it would happen a lot more often if men knew you liked it, Ms Cowgirl. You haven't told a story about your dating adventures for a while.

Beth: It's pretty obvious her bum was too big for Henry VIII. The next one he married was a waif.

Al: That's much harder work than bum-pinching. You'd need a phantom with strong wrist muscles to pull that off.

Angie: Hah, I'm glad you managed to evade the prohibition! Did your parents think the final scene where he gets chased by dolly-birds was the corrupting influence?

Kage: You've got a nun costume, Ms Kage? I'd quite like to see you kneeling and praying in it.
I thought that I'd had my bum pinched once on St Pancras Railway Station, but it turned out to have been handed in to Lost Property by some kind person with a stout trolley.

Are you certain that Silvio Berlusconi is still alive? That's very disturbing news. I shall have to frown for the rest of the day now and that'll cost me a fortune in Nivea Cream tonight.
i just think that haunted pubs are great for business, especially if there is a bum-pinching ghost in there. the owners should make full advantage of this.
Hmmm.....are we sure it's not a quick-heeled Gorilla going round pinching said bottoms?.....*wink*
I think your clown was lucky not to have had his head knocked off by your repeated slaps...did he walk funnily afterwards?
Where's this pub then? I can't get it on your link and I had my coat on ready and everything...*sigh*
A ghost that pinches your bum? Must have been a prankster of some sort who is 'killing' himself having such a laugh!
Hmmm, the ghost that lives in my house just likes to tap me on the shoulder.
I wonder if I put on a nun costume, such as the one you've shown, if he would pinch my bum?

Now if anyone is going to come back as a bum pinching ghost I'd imagine Silvio would be a good bet. How are you GB?

If you scroll down carefully, you'll get to see "Europe according to Silvio Berlusconi"... hours of fun this site.
do all the nuns look like that?

i might convert.
The Owl Wood: Why would anyone want to steal your backside? There is surely no shortage of things to kick in London.

Jaya: It all depends on the kind of customers they have, Jaya. People with pinchable bottoms can be very protective of their assets.

Sabrina: I'm sure he would be if you were there, Saby!

Nota Bene: His head stayed firmly on his shoulders because I only exercised my wrist. We gorillas are capable of a measured touch.

Juliette: Perhaps inviting the ghost to your place would be a better idea, Jules. I believe they travel light.

Emptynester: It would have to be a prankster capable of delivering pinches telepathically. Powers like that are bound to be abused.

Laura: You have a ghost too, Laura? You'd better find out its religious persuasion before dressing up as a nun. A lot of ghosts have pagan tendencies.

Rubbish: Hello Rubbish, it's nice to hear from you! Somehow, I don't think Silvio's ghost would be satisfied with mere pinching. He probably got bored of doing that was he was 15.

Azra: Is there no end to the lampoons he attracts?

Billy: Sadly not. But you might get lucky if you ask for spiritual guidance after converting.
My goodness! You went for the full monty in this post...bum pinching, bald midget head slapping, and stripper nuns. Sounds like the title of a book in which the author could appear on either the Howard Stern Show, or "Playboy After Dark" if it had not been cancelled 30 years ago by NBC (or whatever channel it was on...who knows?) It's too bad you apes do not have religious sects...or even wear clothes for that matter. You will never get any stripper nuns in your culture.
Maybe it's the ghost of Hugh Hefner. Some claim he's still alive, but his exes suggest otherwise.

Hmm, theres definately a few guys in my grade that could be the ghost... or my sister, sneaky little devil.
benny hill an interesting start, but what about the three stooges? I always liked the head slapping and eye poking. As to the stripper dressed as nun? if it floats your boat go for it.
As for the supernatural, i lived in a house that was haunted and odd stuff happened there.
I wonder what would be more disturbing...a ghost pinching someone's bum or if the said ghost found a deceased gerbil firmly lodged up the anus?

Also, if it were the Three Stooges you wouldn't want to forget Shemp. Everyone forgets Shemp.
Jimmy: We gorillas practice a version of Buddhism involving upside-down meditation and guttural mantras. Howard Stern is the sort of human who might be admitted to our temples as a student.

Robyn: Ah yes! Hef must be looking forward to the day when he'll be able to close in on his prey with ghostly alacrity. Are his hands currently steady enough to deliver a decent pinch?

Catherine: Your sister! Whose bottom is she pinching, pray may I ask?

Charlie: Are you sure the odd stuff was done by a ghost? Mice can explain a lot of things.

Fatman: The dead gerbil would be far more disturbing - just imagine the putrefying mess it would cause! A pinch in the bum is here today and gone tomorrow. I'm surprised you even had to ask, Fatman.
The benny hill show was my favorite show ever there's no doubt about it!
Interesting... it sounds some fun. getting pinch at bum is pain and same time it pleasure. lol. i had been pinched by few times by friends!
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin