Monday, April 02, 2012

Alien adoption

Yet another human is claiming to be on speaking terms with extra-terrestrials. Mr Simon Parkes, an English town councillor, says his real mother is a green life-form, 9 feet tall with a stick-like figure, big eyes and tiny nostrils. Not a bad-looking female by the sound of it. Big eyes and tiny nostrils are better than tiny eyes and big nostrils, as any visitor to Impfondo “horsey-face” menagerie will confirm. 

Before you mock Mr Parkes as a half-wit and a fantasist, please note that he does not believe the alien is his biological mother. The creature visited him when he was a baby and sent the following telepathic message to his infant brain: 

“I am your real mother, I am your more important mother.” 

In doing so, she formed an emotional bond with Simon and became his surrogate parent. This is no more far-fetched than the story of Tarzan being adopted by a female ape, which is not far-fetched at all, judging by the number of people who wept liked sissies while watching Greystoke in the cinema. 

What I find most convincing about this tale is the absence of any physical contact between Simon and the aliens (who in addition to his mother comprised sundry characters in supporting roles). As Councillor Parkes explained: 

“The reason why the extra-terrestrials are interested in me is not because of my physical body but what’s inside – my soul.” 

How refreshing to hear a human admit that members of a different species have no interest in his body. Most humans who’ve had such encounters accuse the aliens of probing their bodily orifices or milking their gonads. I’ve always believed such abduction stories to be vain human fantasies. Extra-terrestrials have no irresistible urge to toy with the human body, any more than we gorillas do. As a fellow victim of such lampoons, I must defend their honour. 

I do hope Victoria Spice has seen the recent TV interview of Mr Parkes. I feel sure she would empathise with his experiences and possibly invite him to a support group. Although she hasn’t been visited by aliens (as far as I know), she did recently have an out-of-body experience during a fashion show. The manager of the safari camp laughed like a drain when I mentioned this to him:

 “If I had a body like hers I’d want to get out of it!” he quipped.

I’m not sure I agree with his ungallant remark. Victoria may appear horribly undernourished for a woman who can afford to keep her larder well-stocked, but she has done her duty as a wife and mother, producing a healthy brood of four. The proof of the oven is whether it has room for the pudding.

Perhaps Councillor Parkes should introduce Victoria to his alien mother, who is also as thin as a street lamp. She probably thinks women are squat, bulbous creatures, and might enjoy meeting one with a similar figure to herself. It takes all sorts to make a universe.

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Judging by the preponderence of prayers at council meetings, Mr Parkes beliefs seem the most reasonable, at least.

I wonder what she got him for his birthday?
I think Mr. Parkes watched ET far too often as a child – & perhaps still does?
Except for the height and colour, the description is a match.
Well, if nothing else I am pleased to hear the 9 foot tall green aliens have converted to Christianity. I am not sure if Mr. Parks realized it, but the green alien lady who indicated to him she was interested primarily in his soul was proselytyzing and shall either return one day to collect donations for her space church...or if she was clever enough to get his e-mail adress will just send him spam e-mails solliciting money for the impoversihed children of the planet Hoth.
Interested in his soul? This isn't a euphemism for something is it?
It does take all sorts, GB. And didn't Angelina Jolie have an out-of-body experience during the Oscars? Or was that just her right leg?

So Mr Parkes is chuffed that there's someone out there that's not interested in his body - only his soul? Sounds like the Devil to me. No woman on earth would denounce the male physical form like that.

On to urgent and more pressing matters GB... I'm sure everyone wants to know if YOU wept like a sissy while watching Greystoke in the cinema...
i'd be interested to know what Mr Parkes biological mother has to say about this, GB.
people like posh spice should know that being fit is the new skinny. i think she is a lamp post with boobs.
His "more important mother"?

I would suggesy his real mother refused to breast feed him as a child and he has remained in high dudgeon ever since.
The Jules: What does an alien get her adopted human son for his birthday? Something quite discreet, I would say. A tie clip or cuff links.

Beth: ET was rather lean, wasn't he Beth? I don't he had much of an appetite, poor fellow.

Jimmy: You think they practice Christianity on the Planet Hoth? C'mon man, they must have their own religion! I would guess it's quite similar to Zen Buddhism without the head shaving.

Tennyson: Could 'soul' be a euphemism for butt-cheeks? These aliens have funny way of expressing themselves.

Robyn: It wouldn't surprise me, Robyn. I think she's been having delusions of grandeur ever since they put up a bare-breasted statue of her.

Azra: I shed a few tears when watching it on DVD, Miss Azra.
But only because my females were eating raw onions at the time.

Jaya: That's a very good point, Jaya. Maybe she just thinks he's nuts. As for Victoria, I'm not sure she could put on weight if she wanted to.

Steve: Quite possible. He didn't say whether his alien mother had boobs, did he? I think he's keeping that part of their relationship very hush-hush.
I think that the gentleman is raising the tail-end of an important issue here: childhood school trauma. It's bad enough having teachers refer to one as "the kid from the broken home" or "the snot-nosed fourth-former with two mummies" but can you imagine Parent's Days or Reporting Evenings when one of your parents is the Emperor Ming from the planet Mongo?

More research is needed if we are to work towards a more inclusive and caring society. Action must be taken to put words such as 'antennae' and 'probe' and 'mucus' on the verbal scrap-heap along with other outmoded and hurtful weapon-words.
Perhaps spending too much time in his head...? Alienating himself from rest of the world. As for posh – she should have a proper meal – it’s not eating that creates the light headed feeling / out of body experience (I know, been there, done that, got the T-shirt – even though I don’t look anything like her).
I blame avatar myself.
Nice blog! Following!!/MemeDoctor
Oh, ja. They say they're interested in your soul and then they want you to come up to their place and look at etchings.

Never gonna fall for that again...

Big eyes, tiny nostrils....big nostrils, tiny eyes.
As long as she doesn't have a big MOUTH.
Oooh, that was a tad sexist, sorry.
So I guess I shouldn't express my disappointment that she doesn't have big boobs?
The Owl Wood: Empress Ming, please, let's respect her gender! I now regret calling her "stick-like", when what I meant was "horizontally challenged" or possibly "narrow".

Hannah: You've had an out-of-body experience, Hannah? That's amazing! Where did you float?

Charlie: Yes, it's got a lot to answer for. Impressionable town councillors should be banned from watching such dangerous nonsense.

Thomas: Thanks for both links, man, you've spoiled us for choice.

Pearl: I'm glad the experience made you wiser, Pearl, but I don't believe your etcher was really an alien.

Al: Her boob size wasn't disclosed, so you'll have to use your imagination. That ought to be easy for an imaginative guy like you. What are your views on Mary Tyler Moore's mouth? Honest question, look at her picture first.
i don't care about his soul or body, i want some of that stuff he's been smoking.
Hey, it takes all kinds, right? ;)

It's pretty huge, which gets "Little Al's" attention. But, there's a whole lotta teeth there. So, I'm thinking of squelching that particular little fantasy.
Billy: I think it's a weed from planet in the delta quadrant.

Laura: It sure does, Laura! Huggy hugs back to you!

Al: Teeth have their uses as well, though. Don't you have anything that likes to get bitten?
Haha, no, but when hungry... You do tend to get the 'floating' feeling! Get me? : P
It's more of an empty rumbling feeling for me, Hannah. I feel like the Albert Hall with a bass drum playing inside me.
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