Monday, March 19, 2012

Swedish kerb crawling incident

I’m feeling a bit sorry for the un-named Swedish politician who’s been fined for picking up a prostitute. Apparently he’d only been giving her a lift home, but knew the police wouldn’t believe him when they stopped his car. When they started asking embarrassing questions, he made a false confession to put the incident behind him. He now says he couldn’t have been a client of the girl because he suffers from a medical condition that has rendered him impotent. 

Before dismissing his story as far-fetched, picture the following scene: 

An impotent politician driving through a red-light district sees a prostitute trudging wearily to the bus station after a long night shift. She stumbles awkwardly on her high-heeled shoes. He feels a pang of sympathy for the girl – perhaps she reminds him of his daughter at college – and pulls up beside her.

“Sorry, I’ve finished for the night,” she says as the car window opens.

“I know,” replies the man. “I am actually a famous politician whom you would recognise if you were an educated woman rather than an unfortunate whore with no interest in public affairs. Please allow me to drive you home safely. The chill of night is making your thighs cold. You have nothing to fear, for I am impotent.”

“Thank you kindly, Sir,” says the prostitute. “I live in Bjorn Borg Plaza and will give you my number so you can contact me in future. Perhaps you will want to hire me when your cock wakes up from its coma. Haha!” 

Now, none of the above may have actually happened, but how can anyone be sure? Giving tarts a lift home is unquestionably a good deed throughout Scandinavia, where the nights can be rather nippy. Should a goody-goody nation like Sweden run the risk of convicting a man with a dysfunctional todger of a crime he did not commit? I think not.

The next question to consider is whether the politician could get an official pardon from Queen What’s-Her-Face of Sweden. He might if a foolproof method of proving his impotence existed. The manager of the safari camp suggested tying him to a bed and hiring one of Hef’s playmates to see if she could perk it up (a skill she would have practised to proficiency in the Playboy mansion). But such tests are only reliable for teenage boys, whose reproductive organs have a mind of their own. The middle-aged man can always close his eyes and think of Fatima Whitbread. Absence of activity is not evidence of incapacity and it wouldn’t stand up in court. 

Perhaps the best solution would be for the UK to offer him political asylum. The standing of the British ruling class has fallen so low that a politician who claims to have chauffeured a prostitute would be seen a hero in the Don Quixote tradition. The British could then hand over the Wikileaks fellow in return, who allegedly lacks chivalry in his own dealings with the fairer sex. With any luck he’ll be impotent when the Swedes have finished with him. 

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Impotent unless experiencing thrill of being caught having a BJ while driving…? No excuse to pick up a prostitute of course… but still viable explanation.
Hhmmm... I'm not sure but he could actually be telling the truth. After all would one rather admit to propositioning a hooker or being impotent?
The entire post is filled with your usual great humour, wry insight and word play but what really got me laughing out loud was, “...Queen What’s-Her-Face of Sweden.”
Sometimes I wonder about my sense of humour.
was he saving his get out of jail free card for a bigger offense?
I find it hard to believe this happened in Sweden, of all places.
South Carolina, I'd understand.
Speaking of the blind hooker....
you really had to hand it to her.
I think it's plausible, even if it's not probable. If both the man and woman say that nothing was going on, no money had changed hands, and no terms had been discussed how can it be proved wrong?
Perhaps nothing had happened...yet. The Swedes obviously don't have enough problems if arresting randy politicians and inspiring impotency in their male population is at the top of their list of things to do. Which brings me to my next question... I wonder if he was impotent BEFORE or AFTER he got caught...
just beats me, really GB.
impotent, former minister.
giving a ride home to a known prostitute.
they don't add up.
With a British politician the situation would be easy to verify - the prostitute would be listed as a claim on his parliamentary expenses...
Have we become this cynical as a society that we can't take this poor man at his word? Is this how we are now? This tragic fellow whose only "crime" was to give one prostitute a lift? I'm sure if only we looked into our hearts... and his glovebox there would be ample proof of his impotent..ness. A large quantity of Viagra, anal beads, some whips, a pair of handcuffs, choking chains, etc. It all SCREAMS impotence. Is it wrong for a man to want to feel again? Is that so wrong. I also believe that the judge who was caught wearing lingerie and practicing auto-erotic affoxiation was just "rehearsing for a play". Because I trust my fellow humans (no offense GB). I just do.

...but perhaps in the future this politician should admit to being gay. More sympathy from the media that way. Wink, wink.
Hannah: You could be right Hannah. He may have needed the danger of getting caught to arouse him. I believe that's why certain humans engage in "dogging".

Darren: Good point! He should have mentioned that himself. On the other hand, how damaging is impotence to a political career?

Beth: Thanks, Beth. I couldn't be bothered to look her name up. It's a big mistake to over-research blog posts anyway. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

Billy: Yes, maybe he was planning to rob a liquor store with the hooker. A smooth-talking politician could easily dupe the police by pretending to be paying for sex.

Angie: The girl got out of the car before the police stopped him, so we don't know her side of the story. Perhaps she ought to come forward.

Azra: Being pulled over by the police won't have helped his problem, Miss Azra. How will he be able to relax and get in the mood the next time he's with a prostitute?

Jaya: It's a case for Lieutenant Columbo, Jaya. We must be missing some vital clue that would solve the mystery.

The Owl Wood: Along with the cost of petrol, contraceptives and post-ejaculatory snack.

Fatman: Fatman, you fat bastard, I feel happier than a shitting koala to see you here again! Good to see you sticking up for your fellow sinners in this age of cynicism. Have you found religion since we last met?
It is very sad if we can't be good Samaritan's to the opposite sex and have to claim impotence in order to emasculate any negative desires. But maybe I'm just too much of an idealist?
I initially read his medical condition as being 'important' so was a bit confused until about halfway through.
My high school religion teacher told us a story of how he picked up a prostitue, just to ask her about her relationship with God, and stuff like that. He didn't get arrested or anything, but I can't imagine the police would have bought that explanation. So, apparently there are people that stupid living on the earth.
I actually think he is telling the truth no man( well not me) would admit to todger trouble.
hmmm, i don't know. i get impotent guys offering to drive me home all the time...

no wait, not impotent. important. i get important guys offering to drive me home all the time.

was that helpful?
As a swede this was the first time I even heard about this, wonder who the politician is. Anyway thanks for sharing.
Steve: I hope you hang on to your idealism, even if people call you a silly wuss. It's one of those qualities that make you who you are.

Renka: Yes, it's annoying how similar those words are, particularly as they're closer to being antonyms than synonyms.

Jimmy: Your high school religious teacher sounds like a compassionate man. The police should mind their own business if an upright guy wants a spiritual encounter with a prostitute.

Charlie: Although if he were making it up, he wouldn't be admitting to it, would he? I think he'll need to provide harder evidence. Or do I mean softer?

Kage: You're always helpful, Ms Kage. I'm an important gorilla and I'd definitely give you a lift home, possibly on my back.

Simon: You're welcome, Simon, we gorillas are always happy to share. I hope my description of your native land didn't make you homesick (assuming you're not living in Sweden).
Grading on a curve, he was a very compassionate man.
Wait...that story isn't plausible? What's this world coming to?!?
Perhaps the United Kingdom could have the Duchess of Cambridge perform some tests on him. If she can't make it stand up, then he truly is impotent.
I agree with Fred
He sounds like an idiot. Thus I'm doubtful he has a big enough head on his shoulders to hire a lawyer of prowess. The guy will be hard pressed to prove he's of upstanding character. Don't you think, GB?

Jimmy: I'd like to know the shape of that curve.

Sarah: The world is coming to a grisly climax, Sarah.

Fred: That's quite a compliment you've paid her. I suspect her enthusiasm might be greater than her expertise.

Adam: You too, Adam? I never realised she was such a temptress.

Robyn: He's as foolish as the Coca-Cola company were when they changed the formula for Coke and then brought back Coca-Cola classic. I doubt he'll ever prove anything, but maybe he'll get a sympathetic hearing after saying he's impotent.
I know how that guy feels.... I got busted in a hotel room with a hooker once... but I was just making sure she got a good nights rest and bought her a hotel room to sleep in!
Prostitution should be banned in any civilized country, but society is too needy for that to happen.
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