Friday, March 23, 2012

Rotten tomatoes

My heart goes out to the movie director who had a mental breakdown after critics panned his latest film. The poor fellow was filmed outside his home in San Diego, slapping the ground and making obscene gestures at traffic. The fact that he did it in the nude suggests his behaviour was a cry for help rather than a declaration of aggressive intent. A man who goes on a naked rampage is usually drawing attention to himself rather than calling his enemies to account. 

The police identified him as Jason Russell, aged 33. After concluding that he was harmless, they sent him to a hospital for treatment. I’m glad to say that his wife has remained loyal and steadfast throughout the ordeal: 

“He did some irrational things brought on by extreme exhaustion and dehydration,” she explained. “Many of the attacks against the film were very personal and Jason took them very hard.” 

Let’s hope her sympathy is genuine and she maintains her composure when her husband is discharged from hospital. The last thing Jason needs now is a sardonic spouse who makes satirical remarks while she’s nursing him. A man recovering from a temporary bout of insanity doesn’t want to be reminded that he made a colossal arse of himself whenever he asks for a glass of Lucozade. 

The odd thing about this episode is that the film he made, about a Ugandan warlord, was a huge success. It quickly went viral after being released on the internet, which attracted the attention of occupational trolls who cruise cyberspace looking for victims to harass. Poor Jason must be unusually thin-skinned for a movie director. He should have told them to stick raw chillies up their butt-holes. That's what Alfred Hitchcock would have done.

Perhaps Jason would feel better if his film were screened at the Cannes festival. Although I haven’t seen it, I’d be amazed if it got a negative reaction there. Ugandan warlords are the dog’s bollocks for the arty-farty types who attend that event. The other good thing about Cannes is that no one would mind if Jason responded to criticism by performing a naked war dance. It would barely be perceived as eccentric in that part of the world. 

Being an artist, of course, means having to endure the barbs of envious guttersnipes. I didn’t get too much of it in my circus career, possibly because my detractors were too scared to make rude remarks about a performer who could hang them upside down by their ankles if he felt inclined. 

I have had a couple of blog trolls, though. One, who called himself ‘Anonymous27.5inchcock’, was actually a fellow blogger pretending to be a troll for his own amusement. He soon got bored of his caper and confessed his real identity. I forgave him. The other troll was a monomaniac who left 150 fatuous comments on another blog. Although he subsequently pretended to be a fan of The Japing Ape, I deleted his comments without mercy. 

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Is it possible to be anonymous with a 27.5inch cock?

It explains why I blend into most crowds.
a 27 inch cock
I would read his blog ANYDAY!
as for the director... I feel for him..... a film must be like the post precious, obsessive baby EVER!
I’ve been following that case – was very surprised at his breakdown.
I am one fan who will never cross you (I don’t think...) although my comments may, at times, seem fatuous.
bollo told me he had a bad feeling about the film.
Uuuugh!!!....I hate blog trolls.....period
I went on a naked rampage once. They messed up my order at the drive-thru so I stripped and dove right into that little drive up window, pushed the cashier out of the way grabbed the microphone and started hollerin' orders to the workers in the assembly line: "Double cheeseburger! Pickles, no lettuce or tomatoes, Goddammit! Or I'm gonna slap you with my 27.5" cock!"

Actually you'd be surprised at the amount of naked rampages that occur. Now thanks to Google, I know about more nekkid rampages than I needed to. And you're welcome.
One way to express oneself, I geuss...? Can't help feeling sorry for him...not in a kind way...

27.5"??! Rather large opinion of himself...?
I have found my own naked rants to be pointless, since I look like a pile of dirty washing whether fully dressed or not.

The poor chap hasn't quite grasped the deal with creativity, has he? One produces whatever, hones it to perfection, loves it, gives it a last kiss and throws it through a window to die with the swine outdoors (i.e. the public).

He has my emotional empathy and my admiration for his ability to put both palms on the ground while stood upright. Could do with attending classes on "not walking like a flat-footed Hollywood luvvie" though. Hugs.
My African students reckon that Jack Russell is the victim of a nasty bout of Black Magic, GB. Especially since most African Leaders have a penchant for powders and chants.
Steve: Yes, it's possible to be anonymous and conspicuous at the same time, as long as you don't give your cock a name. What's your one called?

John: There's a picture of him in his latest blog post! Not possible to determine whether he was exaggerating though. (

Beth: I would never expect your behaviour to be anything less than ladylike, Beth. Do you admire Jason's wife?

Billy: Was he one of the trolls?

Groovy girl: Don't we all, Miss Groovy. Are you a friend of Reality Jayne?

Static: It doesn't surprise me at all. The world is full of exhausted dehydrated men who might snap at any minute. Next time you're at a drive thru, have a nap and drink your beverage before checking the rest of your order.

Hannah: Trolls love to exaggerate, Hannah. It's their way of getting attention.

The Owl Wood: Yes, he was very supple and loose-limbed for a man so over-sensitive to criticism. Has anyone ever disparaged your photography?

Azra: I'd like to see that voodoo spell put on Mugabe, Miss Azra. What a hoot it would be to see him prancing about in the nude!
I see double...? : )
that's such a pity, GB. i thought his work was great especially since he'd opened himself up a lot of criticism. really hope he gets better :(
Mr G.B. - indeed Sir they have, many times. Mostly folk just snort, snigger and walk away muttering about not having seen anything else like it on earth and being unlikely ever to do so.

Left thus to my own devices I have always interpreted this commentary in a positive way, to mean "This Owl wood man's a god - we must worship him" ...

[Kindly do not burst my little bubble or I shall be forced to weep into a bucket and then begin drowning the kittens, cutest ones first.]
What's the name of my cock? Hans Solo.
I had theorized that this was just a publicity stunt on Russel's part, being the marketing genius that he is. I can hardly wait to see what he has in store for us next... Perhaps wearing a see-through skirt, while being driven around town with Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian, while on a squishy bender...
This is a strange, sad case. I don't know what to say except that artists are weird.

Perhaps JR should direct the next instalment of A Nightmare On Elm St.! It might've seemed as if he was already doing so, to astonished passers by!! Maybe he should just keep it under wraps!!!
Hannah: You see two of them on one man? That must be quite shocking, although I believe it's a rare condition.

Jaya: You're familiar with his work, Jaya? He must be more famous than I thought. I hope he learns to cope with his fame.

The Owl Wood: I see you believe in the power of positive thought. Perhaps, like van Gogh, your genius will be recognised posthumously.

Steve: Wouldn't Hans Christian Andersen be more apt for a fabulist like you? It's quite a mouthful, but that wouldn't be your problem.

Jimmy: A publicity stunt which makes him look like a raving nitwit? That would only make sense if he was looking for pity.

Robyn: They are indeed, Robyn. He must be a highly-strung sensitive type.

Time Warden: Hmm, it might get the cast into an appropriate mental state before their scenes with Freddy Krueger. I'm sure a few bystanders wish he'd kept it under wraps.
I'm with Azra on the voodoo -- if you're going to go after a Ugandan warlord in the heart of darkness, you need heavier artillery than a camcorder and a laptop. You never really know who you're dealing with. A lesson that trolls would be wise to bear in mind. My recent pest should have done his homework and read my blog from the beginning, he should have known not to mess with a dame who's danced the cancan in a dugout canoe going over Victoria Falls. I remember Safetinspector, I'd have paid more attention to him had I known he was so well endowed.
That is the best movie "exposure" ever!!!
Lady Daphne: I never even realised you had a pest, milady. Maybe you should have asked Safetinspector to out-troll him. There's not many who can match Safetinspector's trolling.

Madman: I'm not sure about that. Have you seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall?
oh GB. you look so handsome, pensive, and deep in that picture. i can see the intelligence in your wise old eyes, like you're solving the problems of the world.

oh, and any blog trolls come your way again, i will fuck them up.
Deary me. Naked rampages are so passé. If he'd dropped his keks and shat on a police car, THAT would have been news worthy.

I'm not sure what to do about trolls, GB. I got plagued one persistent trollette for a while, but she gave up in the end. I almost miss her. What these people miss in life I cannot say, but I think that it might be worth trying a good solid kick in the danglies (where present) if nothing else to make the troll-ee feel better.
Kage: Thank you, Ms Kage, I'm glad you appreciate my problem-solving abilities as I appreciate yours. I am very open to the idea that we should mutually solve each other's problems.

Jon:You're right, Jon. If you look at the link provided by Static above you'll find dozens of naked rampages more impressive than this one. Female trolls are quite unusual...if they really are female. It's a pity I never read her contributions, they might have been collectors' items.
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