Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Feel-good story

I’ve been searching the internet for uplifting news stories to cheer up the manager of the safari camp. He’s been feeling despondent after a Chinese fortune-teller told him he would lose his sense of smell. It’s not the worst thing for a human to lose, but the manager is very attached to his olfactory pleasures. Many are the times when I’ve caught him sniffing an empty shampoo bottle, or an item removed from the laundry basket. Chinese fortune-tellers are not infallible, of course, but their poker-faced predictions can puncture the nonchalance of the most hardened sceptic. That’s why I never consult them. 

The best one I’ve found so far is a human-interest tale about a 24-year-old Cornish woman who has found her dream job. Miss Nat Garvey tests sex-toys for a living, ensuring they meet the maker’s specifications and don’t overheat on full power. 

"Rather than being surrounded by office supplies and computers all day, I have piles of kinky toys to play with," she explained. 

As far as feel-good stories go, few could be more satisfying than this one. It gladdens my primate soul to know that Miss Garvey thoroughly enjoys her work. I’m sure she finds it fulfilling as well. 

Perhaps the most encouraging aspect of this story is that Miss Garvey is not ashamed of her occupation and makes no attempt to hide it from her friends. That would never have happened in Freud’s day, when vibrators were a tool used by doctors to calm hysterical women. Thankfully, we now live in a more enlightened age when women don’t have to be batshit insane to enjoy the simple pleasures of life (with moderate mechanical assistance). Orgasmic independence was surely the greatest achievement of the feminist movement. 

My one concern for Miss Garvey is how people react when she spills the beans. The pubs of her native Cornwall are doubtless frequented by assorted yahoos who would think a girl in her line of work must be a slut or nymphomaniac. Perhaps she needs a male guardian with the fencing skills of Zorro, who would challenge any man who slighted her honour to a duel. A boorish yokel would think twice about making an inappropriate remark in her presence if he knew it might result in the letter ‘W’ being carved on the seat of his pants by a few lightning swishes of a sabre. 

Call me an old-fashioned ape, but in my view women will always need protection from ruffians and liberty-takers. Look at the Swedish sports coach who told the boys under his charge to spank her arse, “her” being an imaginary girl used as a metaphor for the opposing team’s defence. He is obviously a vulgar oaf who has never been educated in the social graces and needs to be kept in check with a riding crop. A gentleman knows that a woman’s arse is not to be spanked unless she begs him to spank it. And only then if she has committed deeds of appropriate naughtiness. 

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If it were a man testing sex toys - artificial vaginas and blow-up dolls, etc, I wonder if you would be quite so supportive. Or would the temptation to be derisive be too much?
My goodness me Mr Bananas - perhaps the Mayans were correct in their apocalyptic predictions after all. Women doing sex. Whatever next? Do they enjoy it, do you think or do the "toys" just recreate that sense of domestic duty well done?

Here at Owl Towers we have separate dormitories for boy bees and girl bees and segregated nesting arrangements for birds in skirts and birds in trousers - why, the Vicar might walk past at any moment and, were it otherwise, be scandalised.

Stepping into the realm of urban myth for a moment, one wonders if the makers of "Aspirin" might benefit from testing their product on this young lady, to see if it really does cure the common "bedroom headache".
i think all fortune tellers are the same, GB ? they tell you heart-breaking things with a poker face before moving on to the next client.
From the top, that looks like Bill Clinton seeing red in the Oval Office again! Boy, he certainly gets through those interns!!
I am still trying to figure out how you managed to segue from the story of the guy going to the chinese fortune teller, into the topic of ass spanking.
i would love a job like that, but i guess in reality i would only be able to put in a two hour day at the most. i would never be late though, which begs the question : does she work from home or...?
The job sounds like “…it’s all fun and games ‘til someone (Miss Garvey?) gets hurt!”

Hope her compensation includes danger pay. Overheating on full power? Ouch.
Hmmmm....Ive never had a good spanking.
I'm with Beth on this one. Once you mentioned overheating on full power I decided it might not be the job for me.

Steve makes an excellent point as well. Would you feel as inclined to pat him on the back for his choice of career? :)

Okay, off to investigate the hazard pay and find a new job!
Hmmm... I wonder what that Chinese fortune teller would say to someone like Miss Garvey... "your vagina will explode on the 3rd". One could interpret such a reading as either a great orgasm or a toy malfunction. That's the problem with Fortune tellers GB, they're terribly ambiguous and vague.
Steve: No man would have the endurance to test hundreds of sex toys every day. The idea is pure fantasy, just banish it from your thoughts.

The Owl Wood: Miss Garvey clearly doesn't suffer from "bedroom headaches". Not all English women are like the vicar's wife.

Jaya: That's why it's best to avoid them, Jaya. Or go to the ones who only make upbeat predictions!

Time Warden: Bill Clinton was never so active in his deeds with interns. He was a taker rather than a giver.

Jimmy: All things are related to each other, man. It's a universal cosmic truth.

Crowbloke: You could keep going for two hours a day? Maybe you should consider working in the adult entertainment industry, it's better paid.

Beth: She must be trained to deal with such problems, Beth. I wouldn't be surprised if she could feel the exact temperature and pull out the device in good time.

Angie: Do you know a man who would be up to the job, Angie? He'd have to test hundreds of toys every day. I suspect you prefer a more social occupation.

Azra: If only fortune tellers were that specific, Miss Azra! You could get good odds on a vagina exploding on a given day. Most of them just hedge their bets as you say.
At $39K a year with those job perks?! Good Lord I'm about to brush up my resume. Hm, wonder what qualifications they're looking for.

During the course of my short life I have been amazed by how many ladies do seem to like a little spanking.

Personally I find it, well, a little offputting when all I had in mind was a nice little game of hide the salami and get talked into a scene from "Tom Brown's School Days," albeit with a pert and fragrant female bottom rather than the spotty articles teenage boys keep in their trousers.

Is that too much information, I wonder?
I'd like to make a complain - I don't think she's (or her alikes) doing the job properly (might she have been skiving?) I've come across 'few' 'inventions'that just don't do 'it' for me at all! And when I say that I do mean - can't see how it would give pleasure to anyone! But then hey, there are few that do really work the magic...
neither mrs c.j. nor i got to where we are today by listening to chinese fortune tellers.
This will seem like shameless self-promotion, GB, but I just this very minute published a blog post about some *very important* knowledge a palmist gave me when I was a young girl. Of course, we just love to believe these things...
Robyn: Now you've got me wondering whether kosher sex toys exist, Robyn. What do the liberal rabbis say about them?

Jon: No, it's not enough information. Did you follow through with the forearm or was it all in the wrist action?

Hannah: Dear Hannah, all women are different in their needs. The ones that work their magic on you may not satisfy other women!

Billy: I don't remember CJ saying that, but if he didn't he ought to have.

Righteous Harlot: I give you permission to be as shameless as you want, Ms Harlot. Mi casa es su casa!
That Cornish hen has a cool ass job. Like how I combined the sex toy story (hmm, sounds like an R-rated film from Pixar: "Sex Toy Story." Woody, indeed).
If she ever needed a hand, I'd be glad to oblige.
I am curious about the Health and safety regulations concerning her testing, and does she use the correct Iso9000 regulations concerning spanking.
LOL What? Hilarious job!
Al: I suppose she might need an assistant if her wrists got tired of holding the devices, but I think she'd have to interview for the position first. You can't just walk into a job like that.

Charlie: One would hope the self-employed don't have to bother with such red tape. She has every incentive not to take risks.

TA: Don't laugh - someone has to do it.
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