Monday, March 05, 2012

Ape genius

I hear that a captive chimpanzee has been solving computer puzzles at breakneck speed. Let’s hope he learns to tie his shoelaces before he’s offered a chair at MIT. If I were his agent, I’d negotiate a sponsorship deal with Apple. He could appear in their commercials with the slogan: 

You don’t have to be a chimp to use our products, but it helps. 

Being a stellar new talent in the world of homo sapiens is never plain sailing. Look what happened to The Beatles. Their fans behaved like hysterical baboons, screeching their heads off and going on the rampage whenever they flew into town. I don’t blame the Fab Four for taking medication to prevent the adulation going to their heads. It’s a wonder they could think straight at the end of it. 

As a former circus ape, I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of hero-worship. Most of my fan letters were from flighty young maidens who wanted me to rescue them from the evils of man. “Carry me off to your tree-house” was a common request. I got this type of attention because I’m a gorilla. Celebrity chimpanzees attract busty ladies who want to mother them with cuddles and fresh fruit. We apes cater for all the human fetishes. 

It’s important to answer such fan mail politely, of course. I normally included the sentence “Sadly, my contract doesn’t permit me to keep pets” in my reply. I also sent them a piece of latex with my teeth marks on it as a memento of our courtship. 

Now, some entertainers go to extremes in their quest for stardom. Have you heard of a man called Felix Baumgartner? One would have thought a fellow with a name like that would appear in kinky German porn films, having his buttocks thrashed by a busty dominatrix. In reality, he’s a crackpot daredevil who’s planning to jump out of an aircraft at an altitude of 23 miles, which is apparently the edge of space. 

I have a number of serious reservations about this stunt. To begin with, where are the audience going to be seated? If they’re waiting for him below, they’ll miss the most exciting part of the dive, when his beard is covered in icicles. But if they’re up in the plane they won’t see the finale, when he’s babbling deliriously on the ground as the medics put an oxygen mask over his face. The other worrying issue is what he might hit on the way down. Birds could probably take evasion action, but blimps and hot-air balloons would be sitting ducks. If I owned a dirigible, I would sue any skydiver who landed on my canopy without permission. 

The big unanswered question is whether performing this feat will make him a hit with the babes. Will he be feted like an astronaut and acquire a harem of starry-eyed groupies? Or will nubile women view him as an awesome nincompoop who jumped out of a plane? I will observe his fate dispassionately, like a biologist watching a moose during the rutting season. 

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No offense, but it was always Tarzan I wanted to, “Carry me off to your (his) tree-house.”
From a no-longer-nubile point of view: Baumgartner = nincompoop.
I never thought of that. Where WOULD fans of a high-flying stunt sit?
And I thought golf seating was problematic.
I saw the video of that chimp the other day and have been meaning to watch the full feature.
would you carry me off to your treehouse, GB ?
Baumgartner is a nincompoop without the awesome. I wonder if the animal kingdom is prone to such grandiose gestures of admiration GB. Like do your females ever want to comb your hair and feed you grapes for being able to fraternise with humans?
The Ministry of Statistics tells me that "Look at me..." are the most common last words spoken by deceased members of the human race.

I am against all forms of sky-diving. It's why the T-Rexosauruses dies out - with such short forearms they could never reach the rip cords of their emergency backup parachutes. Fun is only fun until the last of your species has left a smoking crater filled with personal effects.
"a captive chimpanzee has been solving computer puzzles at breakneck speed..." but he can't work out how to escape. His intelligence has no useful application then.
I'd guess this stunt won't affect his sex life, GB. Human women are used to his type: the icicled body parts, delirious babbling, out-of-space edginess. He does look attractive, though. I might purcahse a ticket in the nose-bleed section so I can get a closer look.

Beth: Ah yes, Tarzan would have been perfect for them! But I hope you didn't believe his boastful talk about being the Lord of the Apes!

Al: Don't most people stand when watching golf, using one of those periscope-with-mirrors things? Have you ever used one of those? I'd like know if they work.

Youngman Brown: Boy, you're keen! Are you planning to enrol on the course he will give at MIT?

Jaya: Of course I would, Jaya! You'd give me good advice on interior design rather than giggling like a starstuck groupie!

Azra: Female gorillas are first-class groomers, Miss Azra, but they'd eat the grapes themselves. They expect to be fed rather than do the feeding.

The Owl Wood: The dinosaurs also had a parachute problem, but isn't skydiving a popular rural pastime with all those empty fields to land in? You must have seen a few.

Steve: He's only a captive in the sense of preferring a cushy life of free food and computer games to being a fugitive in a place teaming with xenophobic humans.

Robyn: Well done for checking out the link, Robyn! Maybe he needs a woman like you to manage his affairs and massage his fragile ego!
Well, if this nincompoop skydiver fellow thinks that just becoming famous will make him popular with the babes, just recall English Olympic skier Eddie the Eagle, who despite all his glorious accomplishments, was still repellent to women.
Rise of the Planet of the apes. this is how it all starts.

I'd say Baumgartner will be viewed as an awesome nincompoop. I want to see this.
The poor guy just wants some attention.
those reality tv stars are no better. At least his way is far more exciting. If he survives.
I suppose the small problem is that if Baumgartner is unsuccessful he will end up as a pile of flesh. I am glad you do not take money in exchange for performing such ridiculous stunts.
I have always said....We humans are really just trained apes.
Ohhh, at golf games...?
NOT girls locker rooms...?
Oh, I am SO embarrassed.
I read a BBC article on this chap, and it said his most important piece of equipment was his suit.

For skydiving?

I beg to differ . . .
Jimmy Fungus: Hah, I remember Eddie the Eagle! Are you sure he repelled all women? There might have been a frustrated housewife who took a shine to him.

Tabs: Another point in his favour is that his performance is quite short, unlike reality TV 'stars' who bore you for hours.

Emma: Yes, that's another reason for him to repel women. They don't like men who make a mess.

Jayne: I've always been willing to train humans, Jayne. They're much happier when they've discovered their inner ape.

Al: I always wondered what happened to those things when the golf tournament was over. There must be a special section for peeping tom equipment in e-Bay.

The Jules: Yes, you would have thought the chute was equally important. Maybe he likes dressing up.
Did you know that monkeys loose their hair just like's the DHT testosterone gene...what what am I talking about you prolly already new that...
I have far more respect and Ayumu than Felix and think that chimps are the "hot date" of the future.
not much credibility in being "the best at falling". i`m great at falling but its never got me anywhere other than down. really fast.
you don't have to be an ape to be my boyfriend, but it helps...
My daughter loves monkeys, so I promised her that I will get her one, if I wil the Lotto Jackpot. Ha ha ha
Ape celebrities. Mind has been blown with laughter!

-Barb the French Bean
JTILIS: Our scalps do thin with age, but I've never seen an ape with a cue-ball like Captain Picard.

Juliette: You could be right, Jules! They have no inhibitions and aren't afraid to look a girl in the eye! Table manners not that great, though.

Crowbloke: It all depends how you fall, doesn't it? The pratfall gets you laughs, whereas the judo fall makes you look agile.

Kage: I'm not sure whether you're describing your current beau or making a pass at me. Either way, I approve!

Munir:I never realised they were that expensive. I hope your daughter enjoys its company.

The Beans: I suggest you pick it up and put it in a safe place. You wouldn't want it to get blown into the sea!
Some of my co workers are trained Chimps, you have to be careful, if they get upset they throw poo at you.
Whoever trained them owes you a refund, Charlie.
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