Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Agonizing work

I thought I’d begin today’s post with a tribute to Marjorie Proops (pictured above). For those who’ve never heard of her, she was the English agony aunt who put agony aunting on the map. In her days as a newspaper columnist, she got sackfuls of mail from desperate (and apparently blameless) women suffering needless aggravations from the men in their lives. I dare say many of her readers petitioned her with imaginary problems in the hope of being featured on her page. 

I once met Marjorie after she watched me perform in the circus, and did not hesitate to confide my own anxieties in her: 

“I feel so guilty, Marje!” I groaned. “My fans love watching me kick the clowns, but I’m the one who sees them afterwards, lying face-down on a table having ointments massaged into their buttocks. Should I refuse to do it and let the slapstick comedy be damned?” 

Marjorie stared at me owlishly through her spectacles. “Have you asked the clowns how they feel about it?” she said. “They might be reconciled to suffering for their art, just as you, as the artiste, must suffer pangs of guilt.” 

What could I do but bow my head and make sucking noises in acclaim of her extraordinary genius? 

“I’ve met some wise old birds in my time,” I declared, “but Marjie baby: you make them all look like giddy spring chickens!” 

Anyway, I was prompted to think about this encounter after reading a news story about an 8-year-old girl who is running a counselling service for adults. She discovered her precocious talent when a frustrated housewife complained about having an annoying husband. 

“It all cancels out,” replied the gifted young lassie. “You might do stuff to him that's also really annoying.” 

The frustrated housewife was amazed by her cunning insight, which you have to admit was pretty shrewd for an 8-year-old girl. She now has a website which solves people’s problems for the price of a gobstopper. She’s too young, of course, to offer any advice on sexual problems. I think I ought to state this, because you never know what indecent twaddle some silly floozy might corrupt her innocent ears with. 

As luck would have it, I have recently acquired information that will reassure silly floozies about a particular bedroom issue that has often dismayed them. Scientists have discovered that there’s nothing wrong with falling asleep immediately after having an orgasm. If a man starts snoring two seconds after squirting his jam into a woman’s donut, it means he’s head-over-heels in love with her. It’s the ones who engage in post-coital cuddling and sweet talk that women have to worry about. They obviously only do it because of their guilty consciences.

If it’s true, this seminal discovery could bring peace and harmony to bedrooms all over the world. If it’s true. The first thing to investigate is who funded the research. If it was sponsored by the Studs with Big Cojones Association, there might be an ideological bias.

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oh marj. with your glasses and sagie ways.
Is Man the only species that falls asleep directly after coitus? Do apes do this? Or are they like bulls and merely move onto the next female waiting in line?
There’s another interesting study being done – “Why Women Fall Asleep During Sex.” (And, no, I am not part of the study group...)
Proops, hahaha.
Haha. GB. My fictional stories have been featured in some agony aunt column when I was a teen.
Hmm. Maybe falling asleep right after sex does make sense like that.
What does it mean if both decline sex, because ...both want to fall asleep....instead???
Crowbloke: That sounds like the first line of a love poem. I hope you finish it.

Steve: Male apes occupy a middle ground between men and bulls, having a catnap before moving on to the next female. But do bulls really have that much stamina, or is it all bull?

Beth: Yes, and there's another study called: Do men notice (or even care) when a woman falls asleep during sex?

Cranky: You're hardly in a position to be mocking someone's name, my good fellow!

Jaya: That was rather naughty of you, Jaya! Did anyone suspect they were fictional?

Reality Jayne: I would guess it means they've been either been married for a long time or they were busy on their exercise bikes before hitting the sack.
I tend to fall asleep before sex but that's only because they put films with any sex in them on so late in the evening these days.
haha, GB. i don't think so because 10 years later, i started working for that paper.
I'm so in need of a Marjorie Proops right now.. :( :(
Wales invented the orgasm race. First to come is the winner. Our blokes are top, and sleep the sleep of champions.
Seminal discoveries usually bring peace and harmony to bedrooms, don't they? Unless of course you discover it all over her face when she wasn't expecting it. No harmony after that.
So, falling asleep immediately afterward means he loves you? And cuddling/sweet talk isn't so good? This is totally deconstructing everything I thought I knew. Now, when the time comes, if he doesn't fall asleep, I'll be offended. Oh, I can't think about this.
Well, I admit I am kinda surprised the 8 year old advice columnist was rewarded for being honest enough to tell the frustrated housewife she was most likely also annoying. I bet if Marjory Poops was that painfully honest and straight forward she would not have had a very long career. Normally, you have to be diplomatic with people and not come right out and tell them they are lame. So I advise any of my fellow bloggers reading this, hold back, and please do not tell me how lame my comments are... Because I will probably just cry myself to sleep, listening to my Leo Sayer albums, and never comment again, if you do.
The Owl Wood: Well, perhaps someone could give you an alarm call when the sex scenes start. I believe it's complimentary in 5-star hotels.

Jaya: Maybe it's time you confessed so they can publish a retraction. Your fake letter might mislead future historians about life in Malaysia.

Runaway: Oh dear, Miss Runaway, you'll have to update us on your dilemmas.

Mr Boyo: That must be how the term "Welsh rabbit" originated. And possibly also "up and under".

Notactuallygod: One would hope he'd clean up the mess before falling asleep. Men shouldn't be allowed to drop their dirt all over the place like pigeons.

Frisky Virgin: Let's hope you and your future husband fall asleep simultaneously, Miss Virgin. Then, neither of you will have to think about what it means.

Jimmy: Rather than being told she was annoying, the woman must have thought she was being advised to annoy her husband in revenge. I would have thought listening to Leo Sayer's high-pitched voice would make your balls ache. That isn't a cure for anything I can think of.
Apropos of nothing:
This reminds me of an old joke...
"Do you smoke after sex?"
"I don't know-I never looked."
Me? Two minutes later and..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
GB, thanks for your charming image - I couldn't face a donut at coffee break and had to make do with a croissant instead.
what history, GB ?
i've been going out with A for a year, and then I met B who is A's friend. He's a lot of fun and a month ago, we were at this party and ended up doing stuff behind A's back. I feel really strong for B for some reason and if all is good, I'm willing to leave A for B, but there is a C....

"worry about the ones who engage in post-coital cuddling and sweet talk "

Like the talk to call a taxi to get them to depart before they steal 13,000 euros worth of goods when you are sleeping? Your previous post of Yann M’Vila.
ZZZZZZZZZZZ. What, have I missed something?
Pidgeons! That's a great idea!
They'd totally take care of the cleanup; pidgeons eat ANYthing. Thank you, Jape Ape.
That 8 year old girl reminds me of abstract art. People always see what they want to see. (And they always hear what they want to hear).
Al: As long as two minutes, eh? I suppose it gives you time to air the bedsheets and punch the pillows.

Renka: Croissants are better for you, Renka. Light and crumbly is better and sweet and squishy.

Jaya: I would have so believed that, Jaya. Let's hope future historians don't cite it as evidence that girls in Malaysia were floozies circa 2000.

Mark: It's not often someone makes a connection between consecutive posts. However, I'm not certain the research I cited here applies to men who've had sex with prostitutes. In such cases, sleeping may be a sign of nothing more than overconfidence.

Cro Magnon: Let's hope you've not missed your own orgasm.

Notactuallygod: Can pigeons clean up fluids with their beaks? It doesn't seem likely to me.
my lovely wife can fall asleep before the deed is done. i wouldn't want it any other way.
Between Beth's comment, your response to it, and then Al's - I'm practically climaxing over here. [Sometimes this is easier and more pleasurable, GB, when the man isn't either cuddling or snoring because there is no man around. I imagine female apes might agree.]

I only "punch the pillows" (I love euphemisms) if I'm not careful.
:) i just always wondered about it, GB.
i saw the same type of stories every week. curious as to why people write to Thelma who replied them 6 weeks later in a newspaper column with two other similar stories ( i suspect Thelma even has a template for the asnwers). i thought by then, your problem would progress into a million different ways, or its solved.
Marje Proops was a grande dame. She wrote for the Daily Mirror if I recall correctly. I sometimes think Britain's decline started after Marje died. Although an 8-year-old's response to the problem of premature ejaculation - "Eeewwwwww!!!!" - might be just what people need to be told.
Billy: Coexisting harmoniously with different priorities is the sign of a strong marriage.

Robyn: I'm glad you're a woman who can take care of her own needs, Robyn. I suspect that's the kind of woman that most men prefer.

Al: A euphemism? Now you've got me wondering, dammit!

Jaya: If all the stories were similar to your one they'd be much less believable. How many floozies can there be in Malaysia?

Lady Daphne: I hope Marje would have given a similar response, milady. Some problems should be discussed with one's masseuse rather than an agony aunt.
Ahem... what bedroom issue?? Who has issues? Was falling asleep after 'presumably' good orgasm ever a sin? (I thought orgasm was the best sleep medicine ever - if you ever experienced difficulty sleeping, you'd know what I mean...?)
I quite agree, Hannah. I think the issue for certain women (not you, obviously) is how quickly the man falls asleep after getting his oats. It seems they want him to express his appreciation before nodding off and snoring like a hippo.
Appreciation after the deed is pointless... the act itself should have plenty ‘appreciation’ in it … unless of course it was the act of utter selfishness (take take take / one sided orgasm) and no pleasure given back – now that would really upset any sex (male or female)… the falling asleep when you’re still waiting for something to happen. And that actually does beg the questions – who indeed sponsored the research? : )
Wouldn't a skilful gigolo be capable of giving that kind of 'appreciation', Hanna? Maybe it was gigolos who sponsored the research!
Ha! Would they indeed, I wonder... not tried or tested (yet)... but I like it! I may sleep this one over... struggle to see the connection between gigolos and research... Why would they? What would they benefit? What is the connection between gigolos and love? Hm
Great comeback!
You're quite right, Hannah, gigolos wouldn't waste their money on such a fatuous project. What was I thinking of? And I'm quite sure you will never have need of their services.
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