Monday, February 06, 2012

Push-up contest

I have just received a sumptuous basket of exotic fruit from the manager of the safari camp. You might suppose the gift is a token of his esteem for my services to the safari industry, or for my numerous diplomatic efforts on his behalf, both with business associates and his wife. Richly deserved though such awards would be, they were not bestowed with the basket of fruit. He was actually settling a bet we had made on the outcome of a contest between Ellen Degeneres and Michelle Obama. 

The president’s wife had appeared on Ellen’s TV show, where she accepted a challenge from her host to see who could do the most push-ups in front of the studio audience. The manager reacted with consternation to Mrs Obama’s willingness to participate in such a spectacle. 

“Is she crazy?!” he exclaimed. “Doesn’t she know that butch lesbians work out like men and have all the male hormones? She’s going to embarrass her husband by getting publicly ass-whipped by a white woman! That girl’s got too much attitude for her own good!” 

“I beg to differ!” I declared. “Having studied the arms of both women closely, I am firmly of the opinion that the said whipping will be inflicted upon Ellen’s scrawny white bottom. Would you care for a wager?” 

“Damn right I would!” replied the manager. 

The two women got down to it and started humping the floor. Ellen’s arms gave way after 20 pushes, while Michelle progressed smoothly to 25, where she stopped to avoid humiliating her opponent. The manager accepted his defeat meekly: 

“This is a sad day for butch lesbians,” he said. “Any black woman will now think she can push them aside and steal their pretty girlfriends.” 

It’s a pity that Mrs Obama can’t use her strong arms in the service of her country, being too old for the Marines and too attractive for the postal service. Perhaps she should travel around America punching rap singers in the mouth instead. It’s about time someone punished them for their surly behaviour and disrespectful attitude. A gimmick like that might appeal to millions of redneck women, winning her husband vital swing votes in November’s election. 

Not everyone is a fan of strong-armed women, of course. Back in my circus days, the female acrobats fretted about what potential boyfriends would think of the quite modest muscular development on their upper arms. 

“Ladies,” I said to them, “there’s no point covering up your arms to hide those little bumps. If a man you like notices them, flaunt them with pride and tell him they’re your arm-boobs. In my experience, men are always more favourably disposed to objects they associate with bosom flesh.” 

My advice served the girls well, but only because their biceps were moderately bulging. Women who take things to extremes in the body-building endeavour are bound to appear freakish and unappealing. Having arms like Popeye the Sailor Man may scare off the gropers and bum-pinchers, but it won’t make your boyfriend jizz in his pants. 

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In my ideal world a push-up contest would be a battle between two leading bra manufacturers...
I hear that the next tactic will be shots of the Obamas on the porch of their double-wide trailer, taking pot-shots at their old Chrysler "shootin' car" while the hound dawg bays at the moon.

It really is time someone put the camp back into campaigning and took the butch out of the political butchery. It's all so damnably serious these days, I'm glad that it remains across the pond and I can sleep through the whole affair even more easily than I sleep through England's own elections. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
If I was meant to have arm-boobs, I’d be able to do push-ups.
Don’t have ’em - can’t do ’em.
And that woman (??) in the picture seems to have lost her real boobs.
I couldnt quite see Mr Cameron's wife on all fours with Ellen behind her!
She has been training in the gym, so as to be a hulking bully. She will need those muscles in order to round us human slobs up, for eating carbs and breaking her new "food law"
But ...yet..her ass...
25? I knew I liked our First Lady.
I agree she's "too attractive for the postal service." Good one, GB.
we were just talking about this push-up show yesterday and now you have here :)
i disagree with butches being as strong as men. most of the ones i've seen are fat and unfit. they probably need the abdominal fats to balance and hide their bound boobs so they can appear more like men.
There is a market for muscular women, as the idea of having ones manhood literally squeezed to death, has some appeal. Not sayin it appeals to me, just sayin there is an arse for every seat.
Those are some arms Mr. GB. In fact, (and I don't mean to be offensive) she looks like a man with a wig.

Anyways, maybe Ellen will seem less manly now that Michelle Obama has whipped her ass... making her look vulnerable enough to remind others that she is indeed the owner of a vagina. It's easy to forget.
Steve: That could lead to very extreme bra designs. You have to be careful about such utopian dreams.

The Owl Wood: The Obamas would never go that far - the rednecks would think they were parodying them. You've got to judge these things carefully in politics.

Beth: I've got a feeling most women can't do them, Beth. That bodybuilder must have taken male hormones, which made her boobs deflate.

John Gray: Behind her or on top of her? I think such images could be photoshopped if you've got a problem imagining them.

Reality Jayne: Don't let her know you're not voting for her husband, Jayne. It's the swing voters who get the best treatment. I think her booty is 100% natural.

Robyn: Let's hope no postal workers read this, Robyn! We wouldn't want your mail to go missing.

Jaya: They bind their boobs? That's going too far! I wonder what it feels like to have bound boobs?

Bagholder: Tell me about it. I once got an email from a guy who said he wanted to be squeezed by a female gorilla. He said female bodybuilders weren't strong enough to crack his bones. What a kook!

Azra: I suspect that bodybuilder took male hormones which made her features manly. You're right about Ellen, Miss Azra. She's not that butch and I think a pretty man might still win her hand.
watch Boys Don't Cry.
i never asked my butch friends how it feels like though.
I loved my arms when the fat first came off. I can even do 5 push ups before I lay down and curse my pitiful upper body strength. What's worse is the 3 days after where I feel someone has taken a baseball bat to my arms, shoulders, and armpits! Bravo to both women for being so fit!
just like her husband, michelle cheated!

degeneres almost went all the way down to the floor and obama didn't come within 2 feet of the ground. michelle would have received a whack with a cane in most dojos for those pitiful push ups.
I've always liked the idea of a woman who can wrestle you to the ground.
So THAT'S what happened to Dolph Lundgren!
Arms have a mind of their own. Mine simply will not shape--they apparently prefer the Olive Oyl look (okay, well, maybe not THAT bad).
I think Mrs. Obama most certainly does use her strong pull on Mr. Obama's ears when he's out of line. That explains why his ears are so big.
Ellen would have whipped that ass in softball. Actually, Ellen would have beat her and the whole Cabinet.
Jaya: I knew that women impersonating men did it (as in Victor/Victoria) but I didn't realise butch lesbians wanted to be men.

Angie: Well, 5 is a good start. Do you have bumps on your arms?

Billy: Hah, you're right! I wondered who'd be the first to notice that. Doing a proper push-up means your nose has to touch the ground.

The Jules: Yup, I believe there's a market for that. Pity about her face though.

Al: After becoming a tranny he was disowned by Sweden and adopted by the dolphins.

Frisky Virgin: Maybe your current arm-shape is attractively feminine, Miss Virgin.

Static: I think he'd let her get away with it too, instead of spanking her black ass.

Dr Ken: Ellen is good at softball? I never knew that. Is that a favourite sport of butch lesbians?
She seems to be set out on her healthy lifestyle goals
That body builder man is gross!
But the roids have really done a number on his testicles.... my sources tell me.
That's because Mrs. Obama's ass is also full of muscles, Bananas. Just like her arms.
I would fall after 2 press ups. Now I feel like a feeble pathetic woman. I'm off to the gym....
I have a little curve... I wouldn't call them bumps yet. LOL
Adam: She does, doesn't she? And yet appearances can be deceptive.

Madman: That's a sexist comment, man. Maybe she could help you get in touch with your feminine side.

Static: It's surely hard enough to crack someone's nuts.

Juliette: You don't have to compete with them, Jules. They're both a lot more macho than the average woman.

Angie: A curve sounds very feminine, Angie.
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