Friday, February 10, 2012

Mating calls

Scientists have come up with a far-fetched theory to explain why bonobos (our mutual primate cousins) make a hullabaloo while having sex. Observing that it is always the lower-ranking ape who screeches excitedly, they believe it does so to inform the rest of the troupe of the coupling. They theorise that being casually bonked by a higher-ranking bonobo actually elevates its status, rather than giving it a reputation as a social-climbing hoochie. As bonobos are promiscuous and bisexual, the ape that makes a racket could be of either gender or sexual orientation. 

Do lower-ranking bonobos really have the same mentality as groupies, who acquire kudos within their peer group when a pop star gets in their pants? I suspect there are other, more obvious explanations. Perhaps they are simply unable to contain their pleasure at being ravished by a social superior. Or being keen to please, they might make a lot of noise because the dominant bonobo likes it. 

I was occasionally disturbed by the cries of fornicating humans in my circus days. In one particularly aggravating incident, I heard a woman scream in a nearby trailer as if she were being murdered or molested. What does one do in such a situation? I took the view that it was better to be safe than sorry, and banged on the door like a policeman. 

“Open up in the name of the law!” I bellowed. “Stop what you are doing and surrender!” 

After a few seconds of silence, I heard a female voice giggling hysterically. This goaded me into making another emphatic statement. 

“I don’t know who you are, Miss, but the noises you were making were indistinguishable from those of the victim of a monstrous violation!” 

“I know,” she replied tartly. “He’s quite a monster and I’m feeling very violated!” 

Her saucy banter deserved a brusque response. 

“Is he indeed? Obviously, a rather tongue-tied monster to let a woman speak for him.” 

“Oh no, his tongue is very untied!” quipped the floozy, quite unabashed at having been caught in the act. 

I decided to direct my next statement at the monster himself. 

“Be that as it may, I would ask him to show more consideration for those who must endure the bedlam created by his actions. Perhaps he might consider the use of a gag in future escapades of this kind.” 

I marched off briskly before she could provoke me with another cheeky retort. 

Now, the big difference between humans and bonobos is that the apes use sex as a friendly greeting, like a handshake. If two hostile bonobo tribes agreed to make peace, their leaders would seal the deal by having a quick shag on the conference table. For humans, there is absolutely no reason for a couple having sex to advertise the fact to anyone. Humans who insist on making a din must be playing a deep psychological game involving boasting, exhibitionism and the marking of territory. The next time it happens, I’ll retaliate with some loud noises of my own. 

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Awww GB! Do you mean to tell me you prefer your females to be the silent type? Perhaps the level of the din is equivalent to the rush of abandon? Sure, you need only watch porn to see that there is a lot of unnecessary noise involved in the act (for some), but that isn't ALWAYS the case... is it?
Well, I'm not saying that people should be quiet during the act. I just don't see why they should advertise it to the people down the street. And I do agree, it's quite exhibitionistic(is that even a word?) in that sense. Seems like Bonobos have it easy.
I was always taught that screaming "oh god oh god oh god oh god" on a Sunday morning is not a sufficiently religious alternative to actually going to church.
Yeah...I dont get all the noise...Or maybe I am just unaware.
when in paris, there was a couple next door, constantly at it, making a LOT of noise. all the time. it's like they left the room.
Well, I clearly have no knowledge on this, but I think there's a happy medium--probably a very happy medium--between obscenely ridiculous screaming and being on mute.
I think we humans tend to gauge each other's pleasure by the volume of noise we make - it's why pubs tend to be so loud and churches so quiet.
Angie: I've got nothing against a bit of moaning and whimpering if the volume is moderate. Is that your way of telling us you're a screamer, Angie?

Azra: That is so inconsiderate, Miss Azra. Someone should tell them that making louder noises actually lessens the pleasure.

The Owl Wood: Sunday morning, eh? You country folk are dark horses.

Reality Jayne: You're not missing anything - screamers don't get more pleasure.

Jaya: Have you seen the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall? There's a scene where couples in adjacent rooms compete in having noisy sex.

Frisky Virgin: You are absolutely correct, Miss Virgin. You don't need experience to have common sense and good instincts.

Steve: That's an interesting point. Maybe sound quality should be more important than volume. And what about facial expressions?
I don't mind noisy female sounds during sex, unless it's growling.

Oh, who am I kidding. That's good too.
If you make lots of noise you're more likely to get a nice meal and a pair of Manalo Blahniks.
Would you ever consider recording your own “loud noises” and posting them on your blog? I’d love to hear them. ;)
I have heard boys telling sounds of pleasure from a woman give them a harder turn on. But then, they said sound and not noise.
I lived next door to a 'screamer' for years. If only I'd known she simply wanted me to recognise her as moving up in the social circles, I would have acknowledged it directly instead of just banging on the bedroom wall.
Neither a screamer or a mute... but... So bonobos, huh?
lets get netanyahu and ahmadinejad real drunk and let them enjoy each other's harem. peace for all.
Use sex as a friendly greeting? Those apes have all the fun. Plus, they can fling their poo at people.
By the way, sure looks the ape on top is certainly getting a 'bonoBONE.'
The Jules: I could get you a date with a lioness.

Juliette: They sound more like bribes than rewards, Jules. I wonder what kind of noises a girl has to make to get shoes?

Beth: Just imagine a lot of crashes and bangs, Beth. I wouldn't waste my vocal cords on such a task.

Runaway bride: I don't doubt it for a minute, Miss Runaway, but you don't need to scream for your lover to hear you.

Kellogsville: Yeah, you should have said "your boyfriend's a proper toff" and she would have shut up.

Angie: Bonobos only scream if they're mating with a higher ranking ape. Have you ever done that?

Billy: Unfortunately, Ahmadinejad isn't allowed to get drunk. He'd be deposed and lashed before he got to sign the treaty.

Al: It only seems like fun. When you do it that often it becomes a compulsive obsessive disorder.
But, one of the better ones.
Frankly, GB, I prefer noise versus wondering if I've taken to necrophilia.
i was afraid that it was going to be a never-ending feat, GB. we still had a lot of France to see :p
LMAO... Unfortunately, no.
Al: That's easy for you to say. Wait until you've suffered it yourself.

Robyn: Very true, Robyn. Rigor mortis is a mixed blessing in the bedroom.

Jaya: I hope you had good earplugs.

Angie: It's never too late, Angie. I think you're moving up in the world.
I think I need to make noises to communicate my pleasure to partners. It's the only explanation I can think of for why I'm so much quieter when I masturbate. RH x
Fair enough, RH, but do they need to be loud noises? He's not very far away, after all.
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