Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Bull bollock pie

The manager of the safari camp has been asking me for advice on natural jungle aphrodisiacs. Every Valentine’s Day, his wife makes him choose between taking her to Paris or being her sex slave for the day. The Artic weather conditions now prevailing in Europe argued against the Paris trip, so he resigned himself to gigolo duty, an assignment which requires him to wear a loin cloth and rub his body with oil. The expression on his face made me think of a weary old bull being driven into a paddock where an insatiable cow awaited him. 

I told him that although I knew of a herbal stimulant that works well for apes, I wasn’t sure of its effect on humans. Maybe it would help him rise to the occasion or maybe it wouldn’t. Nor could I rule out side effects. 

“You don’t want to be a guinea pig on V-night,” I cautioned. “Suppose you started having convulsions when your wife was sitting on your face? She might give you a karate chop.” 

“Well, I’m not using Viagra,” he mused. “When I took one of those pills last year, it was like inflating a tyre with too much air. My organ ached for days.” 

“A grievous affliction to be sure,” I remarked. “The only other thing I can suggest is a Valentine’s Day dish invented by an entrepreneur in England. His company is marketing a bull testicle pie which he promises will invigorate the loins and make the bedsprings creak. It’s so potent there’s a health warning on the packet.” 

“Where can I get the recipe?” asked the manager. 

“The recipe isn’t important as long as you ingest the active ingredient.” I replied. “I believe there’s a cattle ranch in the Umbogo district which gives them away free if you bite them off yourself.” 

“I’ll try the meat market in Brazzaville,” said the manager cautiously. 

What can one say about Valentine’s Day? I’ve always thought it was an occasion for needy women to pretend they were adored by a man by pressuring him into jumping through some well-advertised hoops. During a circus tour of Costa Rica, I remember seeing hundreds of teenagers canoodling in a public square on 14th February. They reminded me of the brainwashed followers of a kooky religious cult participating in a mass wedding. I have nothing against one or two couples smooching in a public place, which adds a little sugar to the scenery. But when a whole herd of them does it, we're moving into rabbit-farm territory.

I wonder what Taib Seferovic has been doing on Valentine’s Day? For those who haven’t been following the news, he is a 61-year-old Bosnian man with 49 ex-wives, fervently hoping to get hitched for the 50th time

“My wives have never asked for alimony because they know I have no money," he explained.

I suppose he must have spent it all on chocolates and flowers. He sounds like a great catch for some lucky spinster.

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'Scuse me - I just fainted. No, seriously...
Oh....thats a bigun.
He managed to get 49 women to marry him? He must have made the bullock pie discovery long ago...
I strongly suspect the Bull testicle pie is over-rated. If the claims were accurate, Bulls would have been made extinct centuries ago.

As for the catch with 49 ex-wives, Lord only knows what some lucky spinster, will really catch - nuance intended.
49 ex-wives??!! That speaks volumes regarding the women who married him…and it’s all off-key…

“…like inflating a tyre with too much air.” Loved this line!
Is Bosnia running out of men or what? Seriously, GB.
The 50th woman would be marrying a man with 49 failed marriages.
I don't see a photo, or is this one him? And he has no money? I don't get it. And I'd rather not get it than be his 50th.
If you slavishly obey the commercialised exploitation of Valentine's Day, does it allow you to be a complete dick to your other half for the rest of the year?

I am allowed by my lady wife to forego Valentine's Day celebrations but am required instead to be a reliable husband and father.

So unfair.
he must have bought a case of hai karate cologne. that stuff should come with a bottle of vitamins.
I have to believe the testicle pie is over rated. If not Bulls would have been extinct long ago.

As for the catch with 49 ex-wives, one wonders what some lucky spinster, might actually catch.
I'm not sure that it would be wise for a man to eat bull cock Mr GB. Isn't that on the side of beastiality?

And that Bosnian dude should learn the art of loving himself. The late Whitney Houston sang it best.
The Owl Wood: I'll get you some smelling salts. I would have thought a country squire like you would be used to such sights.

Reality Jane: I don't know if it's big in bull inches.

Gappy: Maybe he's a charmer. Some women can see beyond a man's bank balance.

Beth: Can 49 women all be fools, Beth? Maybe if they're 49 out of 1000 he proposed to.

Jaya: I've got a feeling he doesn't see his previous marriages as failures, Jaya. Divorce may not be something that worries him unduly.

Robyn: I wish I did have a photo of him, Robyn - if he looks like Paul Newman it might explain the mystery. The one I published is of a generic 61-year-old lecher.

The Jules: Well, that's what happens when you marry a smart women who isn't insecure.

Billy: Hah! Are they still selling Hai Karate? Those TV commercials were a hoot!

Bagholder: I suppose it's not the first thing on a bull your average carnivore would think of eating. Let's hope wife No. 50 insists on a visit to the STD clinic before signing up.

Azra: Are you sure he doesn't love himself, Miss Azra? Maybe some womanisers have that problem, but this fellow sounds like a narcissist!
He's 61 and has had 49 wives? That's more then one a year. He'd be better off with some kind of HP service.
What an awesome blog! Following you now!
Dude ! I would, just look at him ;) and who knows he had to win over 49 women somehow :)
Handsome devil.
Steve: I'm not convinced a condiment could ever replace a wife, however tasty it was.

C&D: Thank you, Sir.

Ambivalent Girl: You have a generous heart, Miss Ambivalent.

Lady Daphne: Devil is right, milady. His grin is utterly diabolical.
I'm surprised you didn't tell that manager about the spider bite that can keep men going for four hours:
My word, Deb! I'm going to have to hire you as my researcher! (I'll have to fire the chimp I employed first).
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