Friday, January 27, 2012

Zebra attack

A woman from Texas has become a celebrity after getting bitten by a hungry zebra. After TV footage of her misadventure was shown at the safari guesthouse, I’m sorry to say that a young lady from Oklahoma asked me to bite her: 

“Oh c’mon, GB!” she pleaded. “Just one lil’ ol’ hickey on the side a mah neck. Momma’s waiting to get it on the camcorder.” 

(Her mother was a woman of generous proportions, standing a few feet away with her legs wide apart and the camera to her eye. I did not admonish her for being a willing accomplice in her daughter’s outlandish project. We live in a peculiar age.) 

“By God, I won’t do it!” I thundered. “I don’t want millions of You Tube viewers deriding me as a crazy ape!” 

“No one’s gonna think you’re crazy, GB, they’ll just reckon you’re a mite over-affectionate. Doncha wanna know what I taste like? Fellas tell me I taste real good.” 

“We gorillas are vegetarian, Miss, didn’t they teach you that at school?” 

“They sure didn’t teach us gorillas were spoilsports at school,” she huffed. “Guess I’ll have to ask a chimp or summin.” 

I said nothing to this. A chimpanzee would probably dine on her like a vampire, but sometimes it’s better to let humans learn from their mistakes. 

I wonder whether her envy of the zebra-bitten Texas woman was aggravated by being a native of an adjoining state. In my time in the circus, I became aware of the intense rivalries that exist between neighbouring human tribes. I remember once asking a Welsh clown whether I should financially compensate the ringmaster after accidentally trampling him underfoot. 

“Why bother, he’s only an Englishman,” replied the clown. “They usually enjoy that sort of thing.” 

It seems that even the Chinese are susceptible to such petty rancour. I was shocked to read about a man from Chongqing whose front door has been glued shut more than 30 times by an anonymous fiend. Had it happened only five or six times, one might have dismissed it as the prank of a practical joker, but gluing a door shut 30 times clearly amounts to a vendetta. Whoever is responsible must be motivated by boundless malice and a peculiar obsession about denying his victim free passage to and from his own property. 

“I have no idea who I could have upset so badly,” said Zhou Fen, the hapless householder.

I would advise him to think back to his childhood, and make a list of all the boys he knew from neighbouring villages. It's quite possible that one of them has a grudge which has festered over the years. These things can happen inadvertently from the most trivial incidents. Maybe he humiliated another boy in a game of checkers or laughed at his willy when they were urinating against a wall. 

If the mystery remains unsolved, and the door-gluing continues, he could always try appeasing his persecutor by leaving and entering through a window. 

Labels: , , ,

I was going to leave an interesting comment about how stupid some Americans can be... but was kind of sidetracked by a set of firm buttocks
I don't know which is worse: being bitten by a zebra or humping a telephone pole.
Monkey....I dont appreciate John Gray saying Americans are dumb..
Kinda like.....I can talk about my dumb kids, but no one else
I wonder why the Zebra felt the need to bite?
Sorry about you being in an awkward sitch-iation.... with that Oklahoma Ho bag.
I think that such rivalry has existed since the dawn of time... perhaps with Cane and Abel. Anyway, it's inspired such tales like the rivalry between the Montagues and Capulets. Must be that hunter gene.
If I was that Chinese guy, I'd set a trap for the perpetrator and then glue his ass shut.
I would blame Michael Crichton and his Congo book which was turned into a movie.
I was nibbled on, once, on a Zebra crossing in Grimsby, but that is another story entirely.

GB - do you feel PR resentment? Life must have been difficult since the chimps advertised tea while your own ordinarily quite astute species was seen by millions to fail to take the opportunity to thumb Attenborough with his own camera. I wonder if a modelling contract for a masculine scent such as Old Spice or Duckhams All-Over Body Spray would redress the PR balance? Shall I make enquiries oyb?


I would like that ointment though. Does it work for bee stings too, GB?
John: You call those firm? You ought to hang out with some tree-climbing apes - they'll teach you about buttock texture.

Al: Humping a telephone pole is definitely worse because of the risk of splinters.

Reality Jayne: I've never thought Americans were dumb, Jayne... apart from the dumb ones that is. I believe the zebra was aiming at her bag of munchies but missed.

Azra: The hunter gene is another term for testosterone, Miss Azra. A trap is a good idea - maybe he could electrify his door.

Sarah: Do you think it influenced the woman or the zebra?

The Owl Wood: My show business career is over and I've turned down better gigs than an aftershave commercial. I would never condone impertinence to my friend Davy Attenborough.

Jaya: I don't know what ointment she was given, Jaya, but I have a personal range that can soothe most skin complaints.
*dies laughing*
That poor zebra. All it wanted was some food. It got giant a mouthful of that woman instead.

Only super super glue could be strong enough to glue shut a door. Like the kind Matilda's father used. How many people would buy that? Zhou Fen should do a little bit of detective-ing on his own instead of just sitting there helplessly, waiting for someone to bust him out.
I think zebras are like goats and will eat anything. I remember going to a zoo as a kid once and a goat trying to eat my hair!
If you are not smart enough to keep your window rolled up when in the proximity of wild animals you deserve to be eaten... not just bitten.

That gentleman appears to be fleeing the scene of a tawdry affair. I wouldn't know first hand, but if I have a tawdry affair one day I am making the man leave the house in that fashion (even though I've no one for him to run from). :D
i tried to watch the video but it seems megan has copyrighted it. she's well on her way to rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous.
Have you never thought of posting a jape of yours on Youtube, GB? I know you're a gorilla of integrity but it must have crossed your mind.
What a media-hog. Geeze, GB, some zebras don't know when to quit. And the view from here of that man is kind of nice. He can climb my pole anytime.
Vica Versa: Sadly, he doesn't have gumption to try and catch the perpetrator. He's actually trying to solve the problem by apologising to everyone who passes by his door!

Emma: Are you sure he wasn't making a pass at you, Emma? Goats are pretty randy at the best of times.

Angie: Good guess, but not quite right! He's actually trying to escape from a brothel during a police raid.

Billy: Hah, you're right! I hope no one pays too see it, it wasn't the greatest piece of drama.

Righteous Harlot: I've officially retired from show business, Ms RH, but I might make a You Tube comeback if I can find a good supporting cast.

Robyn: You like his buns, Robyn? Maybe you should use that picture to give your suitors an indication of what you're looking for.
Thank God the poor fellow isn't having his backdoor glued shut.
Hello GB.

Pretty rivalry can sometimes bring out the ingenious in people. My late brother hatched a plan to launch a Hammond organ into Suffolk by means of a trebuchet, video the event and post it on You Tube.

Much work was undertaken to identify a suitable spot for the happening and in the end a hedge in the middle of farmland that denoted the Norfolk / Suffolk border was chosen.

Planning was at an advanced stage, but alas word reached the hairy ears of Suffolk county council and a stern letter was dispatched outlining the many bylaws that were about to be breached and the whole shooting match was abandoned.
Hopefully, the dude can make a long-distance call whilst humping said telephone pole. Sadly, I couldn't.
I think I'd take the zebra bite over the naked climbing adventure.
If Zhou Fen is married, he should consider his wife could be the door-gluer – and be wary of what might happen next. ;)
Steve: Only a sadist would try to block his back passage.

Jon: Would it have humiliated the people of Suffolk to have a Hammond organ land in one of their empty fields? It seems like a harmless prank to me.

Al: Maybe you could make the call with a mobile phone while humping the pole. It shouldn't over-extend your faculties.

Dr Ken: Well, that might depend on what the zebra bites off.

Beth: Glue his lips shut next? I think that might be grounds for divorce.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin