Monday, January 23, 2012
Viagra abuse
An English TV gardener has been feeding his plants Viagra to stiffen up their stalks. Doesn’t he know that plants don’t have sex by poking their stalks in places? Even if they did, they wouldn’t want some meddling botanist playing the pander by feeding them chemical stimulants. Nature is not a giant whorehouse for humans to pimp around in with their pills and potions.
The worrying thing for the English housewife is that farmers might now start using this method to firm up their vegetables. The authorities better make sure that supermarkets label their produce correctly, so respectable households don’t end up chewing sticks of celery laced with Viagra. The English home is a finely-tuned ecosystem which depends on its resident sexual organs behaving predictably and obediently. Its harmony would be destroyed if willies started popping up all over the place.
You might think that a big macho gorilla like me would have no use for Viagra. Well, I have considered using the blue pills, but not in a way you might imagine. We jungle-dwelling apes, you see, have to deal with deadly creatures that might do us harm. The most dangerous beasts are not hippos and crocodiles, but critters that creep around slyly. Snakes are a particularly aggravating hazard. The manager of the safari camp advocates a no-nonsense approach in dealing with them:
“Chop their fucking heads off!” he once exhorted. “I’ll lend you my machete if you want.”
“That’s a very human solution to the problem,” I remarked. “We gorillas prefer less messy methods of removing unwanted guests.”
That’s when I dreamt up the idea of doping snakes with Viagra, which would render them harmless by making them as rigid as French bread. Snakes in that condition would be unable to hiss or squirm or move from A to B. We could just pick them up and humanely dispose of them, possibly by hurling them a good distance like javelins. The only difficulty would be getting the snakes to swallow the pills in the first place. One possibility is to feed them mice that have been force fed with Viagra. You may say this is cruel to the mice, but let’s face it: they’re going to get eaten anyway. Maybe we’ll let the little rodents have a last night of shagging before they’re sacrificed in a noble cause.
I shouldn’t leave you with the impression that I consider all humans to be machete-wielding maniacs, like the manager of the safari camp. Obviously, upright primates have a violent side to their nature (which they get from their chimp genes), but they also have a pacifist side to their nature (which they get from their gorilla genes). A laudable example of benign human behaviour was seen in the recent cuddle party at a London train station, in which pairs of humans attempted to break the world record for the longest hug. I don’t know if any of them succeeded, but the girls on the left deserve points for artistic impression.
Labels: cuddle party, snakes, stiff stalks, Viagra
Comments:
<< Home
Thats interesting, GB. If aspirins can work the same way on plants, I'd use them instead of Viagra. Cheaper option.
Only in flowering pots though.
Only in flowering pots though.
My thoughts go to a combination of Viagra and cuddlers. I'm thus wondering how successful the cuddlers would be (men and even women) if they took Viagra. ?
xoRobyn
xoRobyn
We don't like snakes either here in SA. Never thought of giving them Viagra though. I do believe that such blue pills are better for the consumption of one eyed snakes. Farmers would be fools to mess with nature... what would happen to their females if they OD'd on Viagra?
Yeah..hehe give viagra to only one eyed snakes..coarse they can't be just any old one eyed snake. They have to be special
That's a brilliant idea for dealing with snakes, haha. :) I wouldn't really enjoy eating erect leeks anytime soon, though...
Is that Brian Blessed at the back of the photo? What a magnificent beard.
As for lacing food with Viagara... as long as it's calory content is correctly listed on the packet I can't see what the problem is. Plus I think the politicos in Brussels will be very happy to see some perfectly straight bananas.
As for lacing food with Viagara... as long as it's calory content is correctly listed on the packet I can't see what the problem is. Plus I think the politicos in Brussels will be very happy to see some perfectly straight bananas.
Trying to break a hugging record in England? What a ridiculous notion! We English just do not do "hugging". You might as well try breaking a world dieting record in Tonga or the "Most spontaneous liberal political and religious actions in a minute" record in Iraq.
I have sent an email to Ray Mears Ltd though about reliable alarm clocks, Viagra and snakes and their possible use for emergency shelter. The alarm clock is to ensure that having once made your emergency teepee using rigid snakes as tentpoles one has sufficient time to pack up and leave in the morning, before the Viagra wears off and the whole shelter collapses with very unfriendly results.
[It's no great change from the more mainstream use of Viagra where one relies upon the cuckolded husband's factory whistle signalling the end of his night-shift and return home.]
I have sent an email to Ray Mears Ltd though about reliable alarm clocks, Viagra and snakes and their possible use for emergency shelter. The alarm clock is to ensure that having once made your emergency teepee using rigid snakes as tentpoles one has sufficient time to pack up and leave in the morning, before the Viagra wears off and the whole shelter collapses with very unfriendly results.
[It's no great change from the more mainstream use of Viagra where one relies upon the cuckolded husband's factory whistle signalling the end of his night-shift and return home.]
Frankly, GB, the kind of households where celery is consumed are just the sort of places that could benefit from all the fun of unscheduled stiffies. Celery eaters are mostly asexual freaks who would benefit from a good rogering. That's what I think.
Jaya: Do plants get headaches, Jaya? Or is it just an excuse they use to avoid having sex?
Robyn: That all depends on how they like their cuddles, Robyn. I'm not sure activity around the groin area helps when you're trying to break a world record.
Cal: It's just what you need if you like picking them up and dipping them in mayonnaise.
Azra: Good question, Miss Azra. Someone ought to find out what Viagra does for females. For all we know it might make their boobs perkier.
JTILIS: Have you ever entertained a fella who needed Viagra, ma'am. I get the impression you prefer using natural methods even if they take longer.
Justjoe: Thank you, Sir. You could be right about the leeks, they probably taste different when they get too excited.
Steve: It's Brian Blessed's stuntman - you could have one like his if you rubbed some Bio-Gro on your chin every morning.
The Owl Wood: That's the silliest use for rigid snakes I've ever heard. If Mearsy even considered it, I'd invite him to the Congo for remedial lessons on jungle-living. Hugging is not very traditional in England, but events such as the Diana funeral and Elton John's wedding may have loosened things up a bit.
Jon: Chewing celery is actually very good for the jaw muscles, which are used in more vigorous types of foreplay. Perhaps living in France all these years has made you suspicious of vegetarians.
Robyn: That all depends on how they like their cuddles, Robyn. I'm not sure activity around the groin area helps when you're trying to break a world record.
Cal: It's just what you need if you like picking them up and dipping them in mayonnaise.
Azra: Good question, Miss Azra. Someone ought to find out what Viagra does for females. For all we know it might make their boobs perkier.
JTILIS: Have you ever entertained a fella who needed Viagra, ma'am. I get the impression you prefer using natural methods even if they take longer.
Justjoe: Thank you, Sir. You could be right about the leeks, they probably taste different when they get too excited.
Steve: It's Brian Blessed's stuntman - you could have one like his if you rubbed some Bio-Gro on your chin every morning.
The Owl Wood: That's the silliest use for rigid snakes I've ever heard. If Mearsy even considered it, I'd invite him to the Congo for remedial lessons on jungle-living. Hugging is not very traditional in England, but events such as the Diana funeral and Elton John's wedding may have loosened things up a bit.
Jon: Chewing celery is actually very good for the jaw muscles, which are used in more vigorous types of foreplay. Perhaps living in France all these years has made you suspicious of vegetarians.
Silly? Silly? But you haven't heard about my plans to equip every emergency backpack with an anaesthetized octopus yet, to use to lash the snake-poles together at the top.
It's revolutionary! Shelter at the flip of an alarm clock, several priapic snakes, one cephalopod and a small canister of Nitrous Oxide. Just add canvas. It's not only organic but very wildlife friendly and easy to carry ...
It's revolutionary! Shelter at the flip of an alarm clock, several priapic snakes, one cephalopod and a small canister of Nitrous Oxide. Just add canvas. It's not only organic but very wildlife friendly and easy to carry ...
Well, the mice might have little mouse boners. Meaning they wouldn't care about being eaten (thinking that was part of the whole experience).
I'd be careful eating celery laced with Viagra, though. They might end up with a stiff neck.
BA DUM BUM
Thank you, thank you very much.
I'd be careful eating celery laced with Viagra, though. They might end up with a stiff neck.
BA DUM BUM
Thank you, thank you very much.
Interesting! I guess I believe it.... now wondering what other drugs could be extrapolated for plant use... :-)
# posted by 
: Wednesday, January 25, 2012
: Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The Owl Wood: The octopus would be dead, so there'd be no need to anaesthetize it. And the snakes wouldn't be rigid for long enough to get a good night's sleep.
Billy: Maybe so, but weren't they destroyed with sea water?
John Gray: Are you referring to the gardener or one of the huggers?
Al: That's true, a mouse with a boner has other things on its mind. Being eaten by a snake is a secondary issue.
Reality Jane: Well, you've heard it now. Are you interested in taking Viagra? I'd like to know what parts of a woman it affects.
Eve: I wonder what would happen if you fed a marijuana plant marijuana? Would it get high?
Billy: Maybe so, but weren't they destroyed with sea water?
John Gray: Are you referring to the gardener or one of the huggers?
Al: That's true, a mouse with a boner has other things on its mind. Being eaten by a snake is a secondary issue.
Reality Jane: Well, you've heard it now. Are you interested in taking Viagra? I'd like to know what parts of a woman it affects.
Eve: I wonder what would happen if you fed a marijuana plant marijuana? Would it get high?
I would slip viagra into the lemonade glasses of my opponents in the cuddle-off, rendering them too horny to continue.
Frisky Virgin: Very true, Miss Virgin. Good girls should never order phallic vegetables on a date.
Dr Ken: Anyone who's too horny to continue cuddling must be hung like a donkey.
Post a Comment
Dr Ken: Anyone who's too horny to continue cuddling must be hung like a donkey.
<< Home
