Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Sarko's monkish pledge

President Sarkozy has vowed to become a monk if he is voted out of office in May. I hope this is a subtle way of confirming that Carla Bruni will remain the first lady of France if he loses the election. A woman of her regal beauty clearly belongs in the Élysée Palace as much as the Louis XVI four-poster bed, whose sheets she could earnestly keep warm for the next incumbent. 

Of course, it’s pretty arrogant of Sarko to assume he can just walk into a monastery and become a monk. What makes him think he’s got the required aptitude? If I were the abbot, I’d tell him to check into his local YMCA wearing nothing but a goat-hair robe and a pair of sandals. If he can survive for six weeks without agitating the other residents or scratching beneath the habit, he might be suitable for the monkish way of life. 

You notice that I haven’t mentioned sexual abstinence. This is because I’ve never been sure that monks were celibate after seeing The Name of the Rose. The movie has a scene where an apprentice monk played by Christian Slater loses his virginity to an incredibly sensual peasant girl who wears no underwear. It’s not clear what she was doing in the monastery, but she was never made to feel unwelcome until the Inquisition turned up and denounced her as a witch. There’s always a party pooper who wants to spoil the fun. 

I’m not saying all monks are as corrupt as those medieval ones. There was absolutely no hanky panky in the Shaolin temple that Kwai Chang Caine learnt his Kung Fu techniques. This didn't mean he was doomed to a life of meditation and spanking the monkey. Before Caine set off on his quest, he had the following memorable exchange with Master Kan: 

Caine: And what of women, Master? It is permitted for one of our temple to love a woman and feel the warmth of her body? 

Master Kan: We allow no women inside our temple, for flesh that is indulged will not be trained, and minds that are bewitched will not be disciplined. Yet the monk who makes his way in the world cannot shut his ears to the music of birdsong, nor close his mouth to the taste of wild honey. 

Caine took this to mean that once he left the temple he was free to fraternise with females who chirped at him and stick his tongue into their honey pots. I think he got laid in the first episode of Kung Fu, after a woman he shacked up with said he must have “other needs” apart from “food and a place to sleep”. It has since been acknowledged that telling a woman you only need food and a place to sleep is a brilliant seduction technique. Women love to fuck men who don’t want to fuck them. 

It doesn’t work with female gorillas, though. Any male who tells them he wants nothing but food and a place to sleep is treated as a pathetic loser whose balls have stopped functioning. 

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Great. For years I learned romantic poetry off by heart and all I needed to say was, "You couldn't do me burger and chips and let me kip down on your sofa, could you, love?"
All i can say YUK!!!
We have children in charge of the world......period
Ohhhhhhh, I thought that meant he could get busy with whatever bird caught his fancy. While smearing his kung fu with honey. It makes much more sense now.
Gotta go. Gonna head off to Red Box to get a copy of "The Name of the Rose."
And if a woman says she just wants food and shelter? It's not a seduction technique.
Of course, I can really only speak for myself... ;)
I never thought to visit a monastery for the sake of getting some action, GB. Now the thought's a sexy one. Thank you.
Apparently, if the picture is to be believed, there's always 'head' at a monastery.
That's a pretty strange pledge, but I guess it's better than Gingrich's pledge to build a base on the moon within 8 years
I will have to agree with your females, kick him in the nuts to see if he still has any. As for Sarkozy, I don't think any monastery would want him. But the jungle might welcome him with open arms.
Maybe Sarkozy's idea of monastery is the place where there are plenty of hot peasant women who wears no underwear.
Steve: That wouldn't have worked because it's too specific about the type of food and sleeping place. You would have sounded like a customer in a hotel.

Reality Jayne: Are you talking about Sarko, Jayne? A lot of women think he's hot in an ugly kind of way.

Al: I'm not surprised you misinterpreted his words, it's difficult to decipher these oriental guru types.

Beth: It worked for Caine, Beth. Maybe it was his tone of voice that did the trick. He sounded so wise and humble.

Robyn: Just make sure you stick to the young apprentice monks, Robyn. The older ones might have nasty body rashes from all those years in sackcloth.

Adam: That moon base wouldn't be a bad place for a monastery. Maybe Sarko and Newt ought to form an alliance.

Azra: He can certainly do the facial expressions, Miss Azra, but I'm not sure about his tree-climbing abilities.

Runawaybride: That's a very good point, Miss Runaway, he's probably seen the movie too. I'm not sure peasant girls like that still exist, but they could always open their doors to out-of-work pole dancers.
I have always been suspicious of Tsar Kozy. Is he not the most blatantly ill-disguised attempt by Middle Earth to infiltrate Human politics?

I think most women find it difficult to sleep at all knowing that he is even in the same town and that at any moment he may walk under the locked garden gate, nip though the cat-flap and molest an ankle.
Sarko's more Rasputin than David Carradine.
thats an extremely bad picture of sarkozy. like seriously bad, GB. i dont know if the monastry would take him in even.
He's so desperate to get rid of his wife, he'd become a monk?
I've always fancied trying the old chestnut "I've just had this op', and need to see if everything still works". Couldn't fail, surely!
come in, she said, i'll give you shelter from the storm.
I once managed with "Two glasses of pilsner and the opportunity to see you naked, please." Better still, I said it in Dutch, that being the native language of the barmaid concerned. That impressed her for as long as necessary (9 minutes, including the time it took to eat the pizza).
The Owl Wood: And yet Carla Bruni found this hobbit attractive enough to marry. Never underrate the charms of a Frenchman.

Lady Daphne: And more Bilbo Baggins than either, milady.

Jaya: That's what over-excitement does to the face of a middle-aged man.

Vice Versa: I'm sure he'd like his wife to join him, but there are limits to what a woman will do for love.

Cro Magnon: I can't see it working on a woman - a female orang-utan, perhaps, but not a woman.

Billy: Chop some wood for her in the morning and you're half way there.

Jon: I hope you didn't give her cause for disappointment or regret.
You can't reach spiritual enlightenment by indulging in carnal wants Mr Gorilla Bananas. Thats what proper yogi's say anyway. Ergo I have never reached this epiphany.
If Sarko really wants to keep the ladies away, and isn't simply playing hard to get, he needs to learn Esperanto.
You are very astute for an ape. St. Benedict's Rule for Monasteries says that if a man comes knocking to enter to monastery, let him keep knocking. Truth is, they'd rather feed and clothe and teach people than take in new monks. That's how big a pain in the ass new monks are.
I think it's a safe bet that Caine's balls have stopped functioning.
Juliette: Different rules apply to the Shaolin monks, Jules. The can maintain their spiritual focus while satisfying their carnal wants. As I'm sure you can.

My Boyo: That's a fake language, isn't it? Do women assume you're gay if you can speak it?

Fred: It's like becoming a partner in a law firm, isn't it? You have to bring something to the table before they'll let you in.

Static: They're still alive in our memories of the great man.
They assume, rightly, that you don't want to communicate with anyone, either vertically or horizontally.
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