Monday, January 09, 2012


A fellow passenger on the flight home to Africa urges me to post a video monologue of myself on You Tube. 

“You’d be a bigger sensation than the talking dog!” he exclaims. 

(Apparently, this was the top-rated clip of 2011.)

I thank him for his high opinion of me and pick up a copy of Scientific American to discourage further conversation. In that prestigious periodical, I discover that the Earth has a habitable sister planet called Kepler-22b. Not the prettiest name, it’s true, but you can’t judge a planet by what it’s called. Venus is a complete hell-hole regardless of its beautiful appellation. 

On returning to the Congo, I mention this nugget of astronomical news to the manager of the safari camp. 

“I like the sound of that planet!” he enthuses. “And for all we know, gorillas might be the dominant species on it. If you went there as the ambassador from Earth, I’m sure they’d let you hump all the best-looking females!” 

“I doubt that a gorilla-run world would adopt the diplomatic protocols of the Woodstock Hippie Camp,” I remark. “Looks aren’t important to gorillas, anyway. You humans love to anthropomorphize.” 

In truth, I wouldn’t want to live on a planet where gorillas were the preponderant species. The good thing about being a gorilla on Earth is that you stand out from the crowd, by which I mean the great swarming mass of sweaty humans. Crowds of gorillas simply do not exist. All I had to do to become the talk of the town was join a circus and kick a few clowns in the arse. Humans, by contrast, have to take part in talent shows or have sex with celebrities if they want to get noticed. 

Even actors have to work hard to stay in the limelight. For every instantly recognisable movie star, there must be twenty with vaguely familiar faces whose names are never mentioned in the gossip sheets. Many who were once household names later vanish without trace. I often wonder what happened to Charlene Tilton, the pint-sized blonde who played Lucy Ewing in Dallas. I’ll never forget the way her character responded to J.R. when he tried to bait her at the breakfast table: 

“They say that fella you’re dating is the biggest jackass north of the Rio Grande!” he would say to Lucy with a malevolent sneer. 

“He’d enjoy kicking your ass for sure!” she would reply with a scowl that might have scared a grizzly bear into putting its paws over its crotch. 

If Kepler-22b really is a gorilla planet, we should send them Charlene as our ambassador. If they can’t intimidate a feisty little Earthling like her, they’ll know not to mess with the big boys. Maybe I’ll get the ball rolling by sending her a fan letter. She can’t be getting too many at this point in her career, and might welcome some adulation from a gorilla who relished her performances. If I get a reply, I’ll republish it in full in this blog.

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If it is of any help in tracing her I think that I once saw Charlene Tilton on television a long time ago - she was playing a character called Lucy Ewing in "Dallas".

If she's still alive (at least by the Hollywood definition of "alive") she's probably had back-street Botox by now. This would mean that her buttocks are doubtless in a state of super-glue/concrete/Betty Crocker Cake Mix protrusion with blue/red/black mottled bruising. I am unfamiliar with what constitutes "cor she looks like a good bet for my DNA and selfish jeans" in the Gorilla dating world but might this not be ideal for the role you have in mind? A talking point at Embassy parties if nothing else.

Mr Kepler does bake exceedingly good planets, doesn't he? Might be an idea to hook up with the company for sponsorship, free cake and suchlike.
I enjoy the Planet name....Kepler.
It has a nice ring.
I can picture a Planet of the Apes like world, on Kepler. Being a human on Kepler would be OK ...if Mark Wahlberg was there.. :)

I saw Lucy, from Dallas, on a cable show... not too long ago...
Overweight and old....just sayin
I'm drawn to short, feisty women too, GB.
I hope she replies.
Kepler is a much better name for a planet than Pluto.
It was such a Mickey Mouse place that they fired it as a planet.

Short, feisty, tall, comatose. It's all good.
22b? Is that a reference to the size of the globe?
i just bought a first class ticket to kepler-22b. i'm hoping the wife doesn't find out that i spent all her money until i'm out of the solar system.
Do you always pick up a copy of Scientific American to discourage further conversation with humans? I didn't know apes were capable of this behavior. How passive-aggressive of you. =P
The Owl Wood: Speculating about Charlene's posterior isn't a basis for making an important diplomatic appointment. Let me know if you have any concrete information that might be of use.

Reality Jayne: Well, she's a middle-aged lady now, which is the right age for an ambassador. Do you think she'd look as good as Hilldog after a month in the gym and a makeover?

Robyn: It's a pity there wasn't a Jewish version of Dallas, Robyn, you would have been perfect for Lucy's part.

Al: It is really true that Pluto was a bogus planet? You've got to feel sorry for a planet that gets demoted. What's its official title now?

Steve: Its mountains are much smaller than those of the Earth. 22b is its bra size.

Billy: Don't you want to take her with you for a second honeymoon?

Krapsody: Scientific American indicates a mild lack of interest. I use National Geographic to brush off the major league bores.
Lucy Ewing is still quite famous here in SA, with all the Dallas re-runs.

I'm not much of a fan of earth... too much politics and war-fare. If they have Monday's off on Kepler, I'd be happy to be the first human resident.
Kepler 22b sounds like a bra size. Kepler alone is nice though :)
Well Mr Gorilla Bananas - Charlene Tilton has just come out the other side of a drunken stupor due to her sadly grieving the loss of her fiance 3 years ago. She now wishes to grasp every opportunity, full on with both hands. Strike while the irons hot I say!
Charlent Tilton is like a sister to me. And I once gave a diamond ring to a girl who looked a little like Jennifer Beals. But I'm still not famous. I tried.
Kepler looks better all the time! This place seems to need a whole hell of a lot of starting over!
Will people or Gorillas living on Kepler 22b be known as Kleptermaniacs?
I think Pluto is officially called a "planetoid" now.
But, it will always be the little planet that tried to me.
Mickey Mouse's dog or otherwise.
And when they really annoy you, Mr. Bananas, do you pick up a copy of Guns & Ammo?
Azra: You get Dallas re-runs in South Africa? Someone ought to make a montage of Lucy's best scenes. Maybe I should move within range of your TV transmitters.

Jaya: Kepler is an illustrious name, but not very feminine. Have you heard of Kepler Wessels?

Juliette: You seem to know a lot about her, Jules. Maybe you ought to be the chairlady of her fan club. Her full-on grasping aspiration would certainly excite her fans.

Fred: Haha. She may have been a sister to you, but were you a brother to her? You can't expect an actress to give you a leg-up without reciprocity.

Angie: From that distance it looks great, but who knows what's happening on the surface. The Earth looks like Paradise from space.

Rubbish: Not if they keep their hands to themselves.

Al: Planetoid is not so bad. It's like been called "puppy" rather than "dog". Puppies are cute.

Static: When humans really annoy me, I tend to put down what I'm reading and hoist them upside down by their ankles.
Apropros actresses in general, I had a friend who used to write to actresses requesting a sample of their pubic hair. What was surprising was the number who not only supplied such, but who also included a signed piccie. Odd bunch.
But, Mr. Bananas, what if they don't have any legs. Do you clutch them by their throat until they turn purple?
great Venus is not attractive is that why women are from Venus and Men are from mars?
Jon: You can't fault their devotion to their fans. I assume your friend flattered them a lot in his letters.

Static: I've never met a legless creature that tried to engage me in conversation, so the dilemma has never arisen.

JTILIS: Women are from Venus because they're hot and gassy.
Ah, one of my very favorite shows about my home town--now I'll be humming the theme music all night. lol

Charlene Tilton is still very much around. She will be reprising the role of Lucy on the new Dallas, due to premiere this summer on TNT. She is also on Dancing on Ice, I believe, airing on British Television. :)
One can never be too prepared, Bananas.
Hot and gassy hu? I can roll with that...
I like the name Kepler 22-b. I didn't in the beginning, but it has grown on me.

I have never heard of Charlene or Dallas.
Frisky Virgin: You must have felt like you were living in centre of the world when Dallas was showing, Miss Virgin. I hope I'll get the chance to watch Charlene in her latest ventures.

Static: Unless you're an oyster.

JTILIS: Rock and roll, I'm sure!

Vice Versa: That's because you're so young, you adorable baby girl.
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