Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Bell-end of the world

Tending bar at the safari guesthouse, I overhear a Rasputin-like character telling everyone that the world will end in 2012. Accursed fool! Apocalyptic blabbering of that sort is tremendously harmful for our tourism industry, because people never visit Africa when they know their days are numbered. India has pretty much cornered the last-hurrah market thanks to its mystics and gurus, who can offer gullible visitors a final shot at enlightenment. In Africa we only have witchdoctors, who can offer gullible visitors potions that will make their eyebrows bushy. 

Fortunately, I have the perfect titbit of news to change the subject:

“Ladies and gentlemen!” I declare, “I must inform you of an extraordinary development in Iran! A 21-year-old man is suffering from a permanently aroused appendage after getting his penis tattooed. This is a clear sign that the Iranian missile programme lacks a reliable guidance system and is therefore quite harmless. I’m not making this up, I’ll print out the news report if you want to read about it.” 

As I anticipate, the guests turn their back on the doomsday prophet and focus their attention on the Iranian erection. 

“Oh my God!” exclaims a middle-aged American woman. “Where can my husband get one of those tattoos?!” 

The other guests weigh-in with their own suggestions and observations, and a lighter mood prevails in the evening’s social intercourse. 

All joking aside, I don’t think a woman would really want the man in her life to have a permanent stiffy. The novelty is bound to wear off eventually. As the Roman nobility discovered, if every day is a party, partying becomes a chore. There would also be the problem of inadvertent prodding whenever she brushed within range, which would bound to get annoying after a while. 

One point not covered in the news bulletin is whether the man’s todger was taut while the tattoo was being inscribed. It might have been necessary to provide a suitable surface, but how many tattooists could perform their art on an aroused sexual organ? One would need the hand of a surgeon and the nerve of a bomb-disposal expert to pull off a tricky stunt like that. 

Now, the mad monk who was pontificating about the end of the world was actually an insurance salesman from Bulgaria. He had allowed his hair to grow unkempt to give himself a prophet-like appearance, and had financed his vacation in the Congo with the maturity value of one of his own policies. I later asked him what he knew about the Mayan doomsday prediction: 

“No more than any gypsy who reads a newspaper,” he answered. “I was using this story to practice my English-speaking on the guests. If I appear convincing to them, maybe I call sell insurance in America.” 

“I’m sure you could sell anything in America,” I replied, “but please lighten-up when you’re in the Congo. If you go around staring intensely at people over here they assume you’re in league with the snakes.” 

He stared intensely at me like a snake, so I gave his beard a tug to snap him out of it. 

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oh brother
Based strictly on the number of letters tatooed, the todger must have been taught, no?

As for selling the end of the world, and/or permanent rods, they would both go over big in America - a nation full of angst.
When his engorged member succumbs to sepsis and gangrene, as such things are wont to do, that chap will wish it was the end of the world.

Until then, he could alwways get a job in the building industry as a pointer.
Just read the article. So he doesn't regret having it done and is still having sex. I'd call him a big dick but that would be kind of redundant.
Speaking as a chap who has experienced long-standing erections as a younger chap, I would suggest two more pressing concerns than gangrene:

First, peeing standing up when Mr Mouse is standing to attention can be decidely messy. I suggest cutting a bicycle inner tube, sliding one end over the attendent member and drapping the other end into the dunny;

Second, Bell-end chaffing. The constant friction of the engorged glans on the rough trouser work favoured in the more severe corners of the world such as Iran could cause serious soreness. The best remedy for this is a handful of Vaseline, applied by a manicured female hand. Regularly.

I wonder what the fierce bearded Johnnies who run the show over there make of "Mr Stffy's" pre-dick-ament?
Maybe the poor priapic gentleman could get a job as a coat stand or at a fairground?
The end of the world dec 2012 really bothers me. Why waste time buying presents if they don't get to open them but look a complete fool if we are all still here on christmas day. Perhaps I could just get everyone gift vouchers for the local tattoo parlour and a photo of the tattoo'd dick for ideas. I'm sure gran will appreciate it.
Jayne: Isn't a woman in your profession used to dealing with medical conditions like this?

Bagholder: Who knows? Maybe it was tattoeed in small letters which enlarged with his dick. Doing it on a taut dick would have risked cocking things up if he lost his erection.

The Jules: That sounds almost as bad as Herod's Evil. Is there really a job called "pointer" at a building site? It sounds like a pretty cushy one.

Robyn: That might be a generous description, Robyn. We don't know how big it was and I guess we don't need to.

Jon: I never knew that would enable a man with a rigid member to urinate. Wouldn't he have to stand upside down as well? The bearded johnnies probably wouldn't take a hard line on this one, it isn't mentioned in the holy texts.

Steve: A fairground? Is that what passes for family entertainment in Leamington Spa?

Kellogsville: I suggest you get dual-use presents that you could use yourself if the world ends before Christmas Day. Things like rubber dinghies, cans of spam and suppositories.
oh lord. 3 months. would he ever recover ? i guess lady luck wasnt too keen on the tattoo. it's a bad journey for him then.
haha thats quite the story.
I dare say the novelty would wear off after 15 minutes... each time. I might be stretching that... but no more than the Iranian did. ;)
i think the mossad had a hand in this.
So, the dude has a minaret in his trousers? Must be hell on the mullah to climb several times a day.
Unless he's gay.
Then he probably digs it.
i knew i chose this job for a good reason. now i just have to convince someone to let me tattoo their penis.
Jaya J: He didn't seem all that upset, though, Jaya. As long as he could keep on shagging he was willing to put up with it!

Bart: And a true one too!

Angie: You're satisfied after 15 minutes, Angie? You're less demanding than many others of your sex!

Billy: Yes, they've been blamed for quite a few cock-ups in Iran.

Al: Making the call to prayer without falling off would be a stiff challenge for any muezzin.

Kage: I was waiting for your input on this one, Ms Kage. So what do you think? Was it limp or engorged when the tattoo was being put on?
Maybe gentleman of the more mature variety, could get this tattoo treatment on the NHS (in UK of course). I think many of them would be very grateful, as would their partners.
hmmm, let's see...iranian, you say? and how long was the phrase again?
First sign of the Apocalypse!!! At least according to my book entitled "Signs of the Naked Apocalypse"
Next sign hemroids will start raining down on the earth!!
I cracked the hell up when I heard about the penis guy. I mean, I know it's not funny for him, but damn it's funny for the rest of us. Hahaha!
Mr Gorilla Bananas - Firstly I would much rather visit Africa and get a magic bush enhancing potion from a witch doctor. Secondly I think the witch doctor might have something to calm down Mr Iranians permanent erection which will now ruin the sales of viagra and see tattoo parlours making record profits. Whilst one might get bored of a permanently erect man he can be put to other uses such as coat stand, bag holder etc.
I once ame in contact with a patient that had a butterfly tatooed on his penis..He wife exsplained that he was "in the Navy when he was younger" but you know she never complained of a penial errection also called priprism that last for more than 4 hours, but stated after he got the tatoo he was never the same man she married al thoughts years ago. So, since I suspect that he did not have pripism (because his penis would have long fallen off) I suppect drug were behind the human vibrator just a guess...I could be wrong but I'm not sure I would mine the novitaly of it all!!!
Valentina: We can't be sure it would work on older men because the Iranian guy was 21. How about using Bruce Forsyth as a guinea pig?

Kage: Don't you need to know the font size as well? How about asking some of the artists in your shop whether they'd do it?

Madman: Yeah, I think the US military should move to DEFCON 3.

Mrs OD: He seems to be quite nonchalant about it himself. Maybe he should call himself Mr Stiffy and get into show business.

Juliette: Thanks for your vote of confidence in the Mother Continent, Jules. I would offer you the pick of the potions in our inventory.

JTILIS: He was never the same man after the tattoo? That could mean a lot of things. Did you ask her to elaborate?
I can't believe it, but I actually knew a dude that used the avatar name of Stiffy. I'm guessing that was to make him feel better about his teeny weenie. Thoughts??
I don't think he'd want to draw attention to it if it were tiny. Maybe he named himself after his pet iguana, those lizards can be very stiff when they want to.
So, I guess if someone calls him a "stiff" it would have a whole new meaning.
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