Friday, January 13, 2012

The Austrian school

I do hope someone nominates Ylva Maria Thompson for Businesswoman of the Year. This visionary lady has established an international sex school in Vienna, where students will be encouraged to practice their lessons in mixed-gender dormitories. Frau Thompson has been quick to refute suggestions that her school is a glorified bawdyhouse for swingers and exhibitionists: 

“Anyone who doesn’t take it seriously and fools around will be sent to my office,” she declared sternly. “And get a big spanking from the headmistress,” she forgot to add. 

What I like most about this venture is its power to transform the image of Austria, a country best known for giving the world Hitler and The Sound of Music. Both were profoundly anti-sexual. Let’s face it, no one was ever going to get laid in the von Trapp mansion with all those fresh-faced children running around the place, singing songs guaranteed to make a man dick’s shrivel. Can anyone imagine Captain von Trapp giving goody-two-shoes Maria a vigorous pounding? The thought makes me want to gargle with lemon juice to get the taste out of my mouth. As for Hitler, he was a mono-testicled voyeur who enjoyed watching women urinate, which doesn’t count as sex in this quadrant of the galaxy. 

Hopefully, people will now associate Austria with the school’s promotional video, in which smooth naked bodies paw each other to Ms Thompson’s authoritative voiceover. There is something deeply life-affirming about a sixtyish woman tutoring people in the finer points of fondling their erogenous zones. I bet she gives out instructions with the same calm self-assurance when being pleasured by her own fancy man. 

Now, most of the apes I know would consider giving sex lessons to be like teaching someone how to scratch an itch. Certainly, any human who offered gorillas mating advice would be hooted out of the jungle with his underpants pulled over his head. As an ape who prides himself on being a student of humanity, I have pondered the question of why humans, of all the primates, have to be taught how to do it. I believe the answer can be summed up in three words: the human female. 

Female apes, you see, have a well-defined oestrus cycle. When one of our females is in season, all the male has to do is puff out his cheeks and fire at will. Nothing much can go wrong when the plan of action is that simple. Women, by contrast, don’t have a season when they’re in heat, so men are never sure how receptive they are. Most women, in fact, have to be wooed and cajoled and petted and prodded before they’re ready for action. That’s why men have to be taught how to arouse them, and women have to be taught how to help things along without making sarcastic remarks or laughing at the wrong moment. 

This isn’t meant to be a criticism of women, of course. They may be complex, but then so are quantum physics and fluid dynamics. It’s all part of life’s rich tapestry. 

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Fluid dynamics. Makes for a great chat-up line, that does. I bet Ylva Maria Thompson can teach people a few things about fluid dynamics.
the truth is out there. i want to believe.
So Harry Potter got a sex change and opened up an alpine bawdy house.
If I ever want to know what really goes on in the world, I need only read your blog, GB. ;)

Personally, I think I prefer the von Trapp dancing and singing (was one of my favorite movies growing up).

Besides, believe it or not, I'm quite sure Maria had a hidden sex-kitten side she saved for the dashing Captain. ;)
This begs so many questions, GB: How long is it (the class)? Can people observe without enrolling? Is it graded on a curve? It's all very provocative.
Men had it right in the age of Chivalry. They knew what to do and how to do it. They've since lost their way. I have to wonder what's in it for Miss Thompson - besides money.
Sex? French invention isn't it? All berets and Gauloise and far too few layers of clothin'. Never seen the damned point in it really. Have chaps on the estate, gamekeepers and gardeners and such, they take care of all of the really odd jobs around Owl Towers, future generations and all that, while I get on with sittin' under me Titians and workin' through the wine cellars.

Austria? Abroad a bit like France isn't it? Favourite thing about Abroad is that it's regularly cut off by fog in the channel. The Channel - now that was a damned good invention.
Steve: She's probably made a few breakthroughs in the field which she's currently exploring with her research students. You've got to make sure of your findings before you go public.

Billy: Maybe you should visit Vienna for your next holiday so you can see it with your own eyes. It might become a major tourist attraction.

Al: She's Harry Potter's mother. I believe she seduced the Wizard of Oz in her Dorothy fetish phase,

Frisky Virgin: I'm glad to keep you informed, Miss Virgin. Now if you had played Maria I could well have imagined her getting down and dirty with the Captain.

Robyn: Those are good questions, Robyn. She ought to allow prospective students to inspect the facilities before enrolling. I wonder if she'll send me a prospectus.

Azra: You mean King Arthur and those other knightly dudes, Miss Azra? They were great swordsmen, it's true, but I don't know where they got their bedroom training. I think the centres of learning were in the Mediterranean in those days.

The Owl Wood: I've just thought of a great title for your autobiography: Lady Chatterley's Husband.
Hell not only do I like to petted, picked and prodded and cuffed...and thrown around the room knocking things over I enjoy that while we are having intercoarse..It takes talent I'm telling you!
What sort of career opportunities would students from this school have I wonder.

Californication. Do you follow the show, GB?
I'm not sure that I want Austria to change, it's quite nice to have around a bunch of smug self-satisfied hypocritical cunts, that you can loathe and despise to the bottom of your heart. Who could take their place?
The most cringe-worthy moment in The Sound Of Mucus, as Christopher Plummer calls his most famous movie, is, without a doubt, I Am Sixteen Going On Seventeen. It irritated the-hell-out-of-me as a teenager and still does now that I'm a little older!
My favorite Christopher Plummer movie was the Killian's Red commercial he did for Coors. It covers just about everything you need for sex-ed, too.
Good points. I tend to start telling fairy tales or jokes at the wrong moment. Or talk about food ;-)

But I may have to disagree with you regarding the well-defined oestrus cycle: human females DO have a similar cycle (and it corresponds to the hormone charts); just that as always, generalizations don't always apply, plus a month is so long that one tends to lose count of the days, giving rise to the notion that the moods of the human female are random.

On another note, the sex school sounds like a really good idea: just that I think I'd be more open to doing my homework than being the homework! Malaysia's 'Obedient Wives Club' supposedly caters for that: for women who want to learn to please....
They have the best extra credit ever there.... and detention!!
This reminds me of the show Talk Sex with Sue Johanson from back in the early 2000s, if for no other reason than the sex Dr was born in 1930 and was fairly open about sexuality and trying new things to get your freak on. If you would like some brain bleach now I have it at my desk.
JTLIS: Would that be foreplay and intercourse at the same time? It might cause sensory overload for a woman who isn't used to it!

Jaya: Maybe it gives you a vocational qualification for the oldest profession. I haven't see the show, Jaya, but I'll look out for it now!

Jobrag: What have they got to be smug about? Why not smack them down by frequently repeating the phrase "Your countryman Hitler" when talking to them?

Time Warden: What an embarrassing song that was! Fortunately, I can't remember enough of the others to be sure it was the worst.

Fred: I guess an actor's still got to make a living when he's no longer leading man material.

Eve: Hopefully, the men will be taught to please as well. But do woman really have a similar cycle to female apes, who have engorged vulvas when they're in heat? You'll have to cite a source for that one, Eve!

Madman: Don't forget the lab sessions and coursework!

Angie: Brain bleach? Is that what you use to clean a dirty mind?
Can't agree this time: I have a long-standing fetish for Julie Andrews and cannot watch that film without fantising about her, her guitar and seamed stockings. I have sought help, but not very enthusiastically.
Cool blog following :0
Jon: A Julie Andrews fetish is an acceptable vice, but why as Maria in The Sound of Music? She was incomparably sexier as Mary Poppins.

Baur: Be my guest, there's no entry fee.
I think you've got me there, GB :-) Checked it out, and realized that you'd need a speculum to recognize a female human in heat! (either that or a thermometer, or a finger in her cunt to check the mucus consistency).
Here are my references :

1) - the overall changes

2) - she had her own speculum

3) - the mucus changes (and it's true; if it stretches so far that the string of mucus hasn't broken even when you've spread your fingers as far apart as you can, that correlates with horny time :-))
Or you could ask her the date of her last period... not the best chat-up line though, is it?
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