Monday, December 19, 2011

Polar bear dispute

A lot of ignorant people are calling David Attenborough a hoaxer for using footage of zoo-dwelling polar bears in his latest nature programme. I bet these foolish hypocrites have enjoyed countless action movies in which stuntmen pretend to be Bruce Willis or Daniel Craig. What D.A. did was far more justified because: (i) there are no A-list actors in the polar bear community and (ii) all polar bears look the same to humans. Television viewers who want to see close-ups of real wild polar bears should piss off to the North Pole with a pair of binoculars. 

I have to be honest and declare a personal interest here. D.A. is a personal friend who has often asked me about gorilla etiquette. He once hired me as a consultant for a film shoot in the Congo. 

“Is it OK if I grunt and make eye-contact with the females?” he asked. 

“Not advisable with wild females, Davy,” I said. “They might think you were making a pass at them and end up sitting on your face. I suggest you shoot the scene at London Zoo. The female gorillas there are used to men flirting with them and know it’s just pussy-teasing.” 

Davy did as I suggested, and the BBC obtained some brilliant footage of him chatting up a female gorilla as she pouted and fluttered her eyelids. One of the most enthralling scenes ever filmed in a natural history show. 

Humans often ask me whether I approve of wildlife documentaries. It’s the sort of question that makes me want to lie on my back and scratch my chin with my toes. Like many things in life, they have their pros and cons. A positive feature is that the sex they contain is suitable for family audiences. Because let’s face it, most human parents are far too embarrassed to tell their children how babies are made. It’s much easier to let them watch animals do it and put two-and-two together. 

This is why documentary-makers should exercise discretion in the species they select for their hard-core scenes. Definitely not baboons. After watching them mate, boys might think that having sex involves drilling away for 10 seconds like a woodpecker and then running off to boast about it to their buddies. Elephants are not advisable either. The size and shape of a bull elephant’s appendage makes me clench my anus, so heaven knows how innocent girls would react. 

So much for the sex, but what about the violence? In my view, it gives modern humans the same kind of kicks that the Roman amphitheatre used to provide. Why are lions the most popular wildlife attraction? Because people want to see them chase down a zebra and bite chunks out of it. As a vegetarian gorilla, I find it pretty sickening, but at least lions don’t combine their violence with sex, like in a Tarentino movie. Can anyone explain why the black crime baron got raped by the white gimp-handler in Pulp Fiction? If that’s entertainment, I’m a duck-billed platypus.

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there are bigger and better things to criticise ........the negative parts of filming a momma bear and her cubs dont rate oo hightly with me.....

whats the matter with people?
The black crime boss was Moe, as in eeny meeny. Besides, the universe does have balance, he was merely getting his just desserts.
Everything on TV is contrived. Even nature documentaries. As long as we don't see people dressed up, pretending to be wild animals I can't see what people have to complain about.
There are a certain group of peeps that like to dress up as animals....and go for it...It is some kind of weird fetish....
Just thought Steve should know.
"...boys might think that having sex involves drilling away for 10 seconds like a woodpecker and then running off to boast about it to their buddies."

so...that's not what sex is about, then?
If we ever meet (although I have no immediate plans to visit the Congo) remind me not to ask you that “sort of question.” What a visual!
I now understand that my former suitors received their sex ed from baboon movies. Thanks for the insight, GB.
the issue isn't where the scenes were filmed, the issue is what becomes of the polar bears as the ice disappears. canadian garbage dumps can only feed so many bears.
Attenborough is a wise chap. A wild polar bear can eviscerate a Peterbilt.
yes. i saw an elephant on heat at the zoo and i thought it had a third hind leg. they had to shackle up the horny fella cuz he was getting aggressive. i was a little traumatized watching it.

my gran and i used to watch a lot of animal documentaries together and i was usually the translator as she doesn't understand english that much. i always felt queasy when it came to the mating part. i dreaded it :p
Ya Im all for the nature shows cutting away to shots of trains going through tunnels.... or oil being drilled... maybe a flower opening up... and a rocket taking off... followed by fireworks.... instead of being forced to watch the animals sexcapades.
Gorilla, you won't know this because the Dorchester always uses a large umbrella and several hundred patio heaters to prevent inclemency annoying the guests but:

Anyone who lives in the country always wears a pair of rutting Terriers on the ankles in Winter - it's warm and it's the fastest way through deep snow (sort of like vibrating snow-shoes).

The Lincolnshire custom is - where available - to wear a penguin as a hat/look-out, they are very dedicated when it comes to keeping a bald head warm.
John Gray: I don't know what the matter with people is, John. Maybe drinking too much tea makes them tetchy. Or maybe certain newspapers have a grudge against the BBC.

Bagholder: But why did the white guy want to rape him? He wasn't even pretty?

Steve: Yeah, imagine how ridiculous it would be watching lions chase a pantomime zebra. I'm not 100% sure they'd still have an appetite after finding a couple of humans inside.

Reality Jayne: I met such people in my circus days, Jayne. They tried to trick me into joining in, but I was too wise for them.

Kage: That's what sex is for women with low standards, Ms Kage. I'm sure you'd sit on a man's face before letting him get away with that.

Beth: We're built differently to humans, Beth. Our toes are like fingers!

Robyn: I hope you found out in advance, Robyn. It always pays to ask a man what he's going to do!

Billy: I wonder if it's possible to resettle them in Antartica. It might work if there's a way of keeping them from the penguins.

Fred: Do those things have soft interiors? They look all metal to me.

Jaya: It sounds as if he was in musth, Jaya. Maybe your gran would have put her hands over your eyes if she'd been with you!

Madman: How about a turkey getting stuffed? That still involves an animal, so it's technically not off topic.

The Owl Wood: I'm staying well away from Lincolnshire. You've got some queer customs and I don't want to be on the receiving end.
Everything on TV is
That first picture is obviously bogus. Where's the bottle of Coke and the dancing penguins?
I'm just wondering if there are any A-listers amongst the Gorillas?

Polar Bears seem less flirtatious by nature... I've watched many Primates flutter their eyelids GB - people are suckers for a little flattery.
Am I the only one here who remember's Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom? I don't recall much complaining when that was standard weekend TV fare. Marlon and Jim were always out there getting in the animals business. It would have been safer had they used zoo animals, no?
I learned all my bedroom skills from watching animal documentaries.

Thanks to them I enjoy the chinchilla position, and I'm particularly accomplished at howling and building a nest.

Always a bit worried the girl might try to bite my head off though.
"All polar bears look the same to humans."
Likewise do all humans look the same to gorillas, Mr. Bananas? As in humans of the same race and gender? Just curious.
if I dont get the chance
just wanted to know I want you to have a lovely christmas xxx
I avoid all animal movies/documentaries, animated or real. Love animals too much to watch them because, inevitably, they are always sad.

Have you seen the trailer for the movie War Horse? Yeah, no, can't watch it.

Um, I really hated Pulp Fiction. I know a lot of people loved it, but I just didn't like it, apart from John Travolta dancing...that I liked.
Chuch: That's a very sweeping statement, but you may have a point, nevertheless.

Al: The bottle of Coke is refrigerating inside Davy's jacket; the penguins are in Antartica.

Azra: King Kong was the only A-lister, Miss Azra, but he was a one-hit wonder. I was offered a supporting role in a porno flick, but turned it down.

Angie: I don't know the show, Angie, but it doesn't sound as if the animals they tangled with were very dangerous. A polar bear will chew your head off if you get too familiar with it.

The Jules: You seemed to have acquired the perfect package of skills to mate with a female orang-utan. She wouldn't bite your head off, but suffocation is an ever-present risk.

Runawaybride: That depends on whether the gorilla has lived among humans, Miss Runaway. If not, you all look the same. Recognising human faces is a skill one acquires with practice.

John Gray: The same to you, good Sir!

Frisky Virgin: Are they all sad, Miss Virgin? I thought the Lassie films had happy endings. I haven't even heard about War Horse. Is it about a war horse? A most inauspicious occupation for a horse.
Sex is violent. Just look to some members of the human race for proof. Many humans have a lust for violence. They are still chimps - just not as hairy and bipedal. But that doesn't mean that they have completely evolved.
Violent sex serves no reproductive function. It's the product of defective genes, which exist in any species. The problem can be addressed by shooting the offender in the balls, as happened in Pulp Fiction.
Oh, yes, Peterbilts are hard and shiny on the outside, but soft and plush inside. Not polar bear-proof, though. Not even ghetto-proof.
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