Monday, December 05, 2011

Lady Gaga's secret

Lady Gaga has revealed the secret of her “perfect skin”. Apparently, her alabaster complexion is maintained through lots of orgasms and spinach. I share this information with the manager of the safari camp, who hopes to entice La Gaga over here for a holiday. 

“Her spinach-orgasm therapy wouldn’t protect her skin from the mosquitoes,” I remark. “You’ll have to warn her if she visits.” 

“Wouldn’t the sound of her orgasms scare off the mozzies?” asks the manager facetiously. 

“Indeed not,” I reply. “Only female mosquitoes bite, and they wouldn’t be intimidated by her caterwauling. The female of the species instinctively knows when a creature of the same gender is getting herself off.” 

“In that case you’ll have to give her some of your natural jungle ointment,” says the manager with a smirk. 

“She’ll have to pay for it,” I insist. “Jungle skin cream doesn’t grow on trees, and she could easily afford the full retail price.” 

“Aren’t you worried she might think you’re a tight-fisted wanker?” guffaws the manager before sauntering off. I suppose he thinks he made a joke of some variety. 

As well as discussing her beauty secrets, Gaga explained why her love affairs have been short-lived and turbulent. It seems the artistic types she attracts soon grow envious of her musical talent

If I go to the piano and write a quick song and play it back, they are angry with how fast and effortless it is. That's who I am, and I don't apologise for it. 

I believe Mozart had similar problems, but Gaga is kidding herself if she thinks it’s why her boyfriends keep throwing her out of bed. Methinks the lady doth boast too much. The real reason for her break-ups might have something to do with her annoying little habits, like having 37 orgasms a day to avoid getting zits. And how do we know her skin is really so wonderful beneath the layers of make-up she puts on? I suspect her true complexion is like that of the Milky Bar Kid – pale and creamy, but lacking in lustre. 

Now, the Scandinavians claim that the best thing for the skin is a sauna. I once got invited to one in Sweden, by a couple of flaxen-haired girls who had watched me perform in the circus: 

“Please join us, GB!” they begged. “It will open up your pores and flush out the toxins. We will blow dry you afterwards if you like.” 

I thought it best to decline tactfully: “A most generous offer, ladies, but sweating is for the hairless. We gorillas flush out our toxins in other ways.” 

The girls were bitterly disappointed, and in truth I could have easily endured a sauna, which is not so different from the climate of a tropical rain forest. My real fear, of course, was wagging tongues. A gorilla should never get into a cabin with naked women unless there are witnesses who will testify to the absence of hanky-panky. That idiot King Kong has given us enough bad publicity.

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Popeye had something with that spinach thing all along, apparently.
ANOTHER great picture! I'd grown tired of the three girls in the bed one (even though I really did wonder what that one girl's hands were doing).
well if you google Lady Guy Ga with no makeup...She aint all that....just sayin...
But as far as the other skin care technique...I have heard that "it" prolongs ones life
"The female of the species instinctively knows when a creature of the same gender is getting herself off.”

really? shit. i better find another way to pass the time behind the counter at the tattoo shop, then.
Well since she's supposed to be a tranny anyway I can only imagine what she uses for face cream.

Although Linda Lovelace (who, incidentally I share a birthday with - well if she wasn't dead) did once claim that jizz was great for the complexion.
Finally, a simple and affordable recipe to achieve a perfect complexion.
The only flaw? I hate spinach.
(37 a day???)
GB, my dear... you never kiss and tell, though I wish you would!

As to Gaga, I'm not a huge fan but I prefer her without all the makeup and fake hair. She really does have talent, but it's difficult to care enough to look past the ridiculous to find it.
LOL - 37 orgasms per day to avoid zits? You've gotta be kidding, GB. It's probably 37 per hour.

She's/he's just too weird.

Eventually good skin is just something youre born with. No amount of cream, orgasms and fruit juices are gonna transform your skin to porcelain clear. All these and cosmetic treatments would help but not all the time. I think you've just got to have it in you.
Lady Gaga is just an attention seeking freak. Although her music is good.
Al: I was going to mention Popeye myself, but then I thought about his craggy skin. Obviously the spinach isn't effective without the orgasms.

Reality Jayne: It prolongs a woman's life? Do any doctors you know recommend it as therapy?

Kage: I don't think a female tattoo customer would mind you flicking the bean, Ms Kage. Some things add to the ambience of a place.

Dirty Cowgirl: Well, Linda Lovelace was certainly an authority on jizz. Did she say it was good for sore throats as well?

Beth: You hate spinach, Beth? That's a pity. I wonder if broccoli would serve as a substitute. 37 a day sounds a lot, but she probably gets 20 of them done in the bath.

Angie: She likes to shock people, doesn't she? I wonder if it's a craving for attention.

Robyn: I think she must be female if she's having 37 a day, Robyn. A man who tried that would soon be in intensive care.

Jaya: Isn't protecting the skin from sunlight important for fair-skinned women? I doubt Nicole Kidman has ever done much sun-bathing.
Orgasms and spinach? Does she take them internally or apply both to the affected areas.
Can you get the orgasm and spinach peel at Lush?
protecting the skin from the sun is important for all men and women. i mean not too much sun and some sunscreen is good.
yes GB. i think both nicole kidman and cate blanchett don't go out in the sun at all :p
37 times a day? Someone should check Gaga's nose Mr. GB, I have a feeling that it has a tendency to grow miraculously.

Like you said, some of us don't need sauna's. We live in one.
Well I heard that fresh semen has beneficial qualities a face pack...hmmm.... am I naive? Does one have to drink the spinach drink whilst orgasming simultaneously? That could be tricky.
Plus it made his forearms huge.
Coulda been the wanking, though.
Have you SEEN Olive Oyl?
Your comment about King Kong had me laughing so much! Maybe laughter works in keeping one's skin clear??
Is this the same person who said she was celibate? I want a girl to shake her ass, not talk out of it.

Some of my relatives believe garlic and olive oil keep your skin smooth and young looking. That may be true, but based on people I've known over the years, avoiding sunlight, cigarettes and cocaine is also a good way to keep your skin healthy looking.
37 orgasms is nothing!!!!!

Girl with completely translucent skin
Steve: I don't think applying spinach to the affected area would help. It doesn't have the right consistency to make a good lube.

Wagthedad: Dunno, I hire a chimpanzee to do my groceries. You might get an orgasm at WalMart if you look in the right place.

Jaya: Ah yes, Cate Blanchett is the other sun-shy Aussie actress. I wonder what she'd look like with a fake rub-on tan?

Azra: Well, there are orgasms and orgasms, Miss Azra. Maybe she has 37 little ones!

Juliette: Trying to eat spinach while have an orgasm would be foolhardy, Jules. Something would definitely go down the wrong way. Rubbing jism on your face would be sensible by comparison.

Al: Does wanking really build up a man's forearms? That's one body-building tip that Arnold Schwarzenegger kept to himself.

Frisky Virgin: I'm sure it does, Miss Virgin, it exercises the same muscles. And laughing virgins are sexy too!

Chris: She must have been between boyfriends when she said that. These pop stars think going without sex for a week makes them celibate. Garlic, olive oil and tomatoes. Don't forget the tomatoes!

Steve Bailey: Does translucent skin mean I can see her veins and arteries? Maybe she needs to cut down on her daily orgasm quota.
I don't know. Let me check.
Hmmm.....the right forearm's pretty beefy. The left?
Wow. Better get busy.
I am curious if the average person has even had 37 orgasms in a year.

I was in a sauna with a beautiful girl once, it was too hot in there for me to even think about having sex. But that didn't stop me from thinking about it. ;)
I think I know the real reason. She has this whopper orgasms and loses all body control, blasting out rancid spinach farts. No man can take that.

Also, where do you find these pictures? Sweet baby Jesus . . .
wow i like that :)
Al: Hah! Don't you know you have to alternate to avoid the "Tower of Pisa" syndrome?

Static: "You can think about it, but just don't do it." (Buford T Justice).

Dr Ken: Now you've made me wonder whether farting after an orgasm is a common phenomenon. It wouldn't surprise me given the proximity of the muscles and sphincters.

2Peeps: Not sure what you're referring to, but glad to have earned your approval.
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