Friday, December 09, 2011

The Hugging Saint

A correspondent has sent me an intriguing news story about an elderly Indian woman who goes around the world hugging people. Amma, the Divine Mother, offers her open-armed blessing to all who queue to meet her. On a good day she can deliver 200 hugs per hour, which is quicker than a cattle rancher can geld and brand his herd. My females hooted with laughter when I told them about her. 

“Why don’t those fools come to us?” they jeered. “Our hugs squeeze parts that old women cannot reach!” 

“Don’t be so cocksure,” I retorted. “Her embraces have a spiritual quality that yours lack, which is why she is revered as a saint by her followers. All you can do is grope and crush. Don’t forget what happened to that American footballer you tried to get friendly with.” 

 “He was a pussy!” they barked contemptuously, before wandering off to look for a baboon to molest. 

Hugging etiquette in human societies is a fascinating subject. There are so many ambivalent situations where no one is quite sure whether a hug is appropriate. Consider the question of man-on-man hugging. In Latin countries, it is perfectly normal for buddies to greet each other in that fashion, as long as a safe air corridor is maintained between the trousers. But Anglo-Saxon men are only supposed to do it if they’re gay or work in show business. Women, of course, can cuddle like koalas in any part of the world. No one thinks it's foreplay unless there's bumping and grinding going on.

Another interesting grey area is whether pre-pubescent boys appreciate being hugged by women. It seems to depend on the context. My old circus chum, Smacker Ramrod, was sent to an English boarding school at the age of 8. He told me that being hugged by Matron was one of the few consolations of a miserable incarceration. 

“She saw it as her duty to comfort homesick boys and would cuddle the ones who weren’t too grubby or obnoxious,” he explained. “Fortunately, I passed the test.” 

“How lucky for you, Smacker,” I remarked. “But surely her maternal snuggles ceased when you were no longer a new boy. She wouldn’t believe you were permanently homesick, would she?” 

“Yeah, but I came up with other excuses,” he said. “I once got my sister to write me a letter saying the dog had died. That worked like a charm.” 

“Good heavens, Smacker!” I exclaimed. “Were it not for the pre-existing canine theme, I would call you a sly dog! Did you not suffer from pangs of guilt in procuring Matron’s motherly embrace through deception?” 

“Not really,” he said. “It didn’t do her any harm and it did me a lot of good. Once you get used to burying your face in a woman’s bosom, you do whatever you have to to make it happen again.” 

I offered no objection to this pragmatic ethical formula. When a willing bosom makes contact with a willing face, the why’s and the wherefore’s are of minor importance.

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It's true. The best comforter in the world is a lady's bosom.

Not sure if it works for women though. Do they find their own or another woman's bosom a place of comfort? Or do they appreciate a fine pair of moobs in which to find spiritual solace?
Unfortunately ...not too sound like i have no scruples....I look to a high carb casserole, a warm blanket, good TV, and coffee(maybe a beer) to be the best comfort...
Oh yeah...and a little cash in the bank helps as well.
boobs or balls have little impact with my comfort meter...but then again I can be a bitch at times,
200 hugs an hour? Surely she'd be numb!
The bosom is willing but the mind is weak… ;)
Women can cuddle anytime they want, on two conditions:
1. They don't look like Rosie O'Donnell
2. They give me enough time to pull up a chair before they begin.
I actually think that Indian woman is hugging them to see if they can help get that thing out of her nose.
Hee hee said "cock"sure.
unless she has prove that her blessings bear fruit i wouldn't let the old bag hug me.
I do not know what the Indian moral police has to say about the hugging amma while they make such a hue and cry about couples who only hold hands.
Amma has a grand job. As selective as I can be, I do enjoy hugging GB? There is definitely something comforting about getting and receiving hugs. Do you hug humans?
i am in need of a hug right now. been a stressful few days. i hope to get out of my current situation without being assasinated :p
Steve: I'm pretty sure moobs wouldn't do it for them, but don't let that put you off. Tastes vary and there's no harm in asking.

Reality Jayne: Maybe you've not come across the right kind of balls, Jayne. Stroking a smooth metallic orb worked for Diane Keaton in Sleeper.

The Jules: Her body must have adapted to the hugging regime. People who sit on chairs all day don't get numb bottoms.

Beth: And if thy left boob offend thee, fondle thy right boob instead.

Al: Have you ever met a cock that wasn't sure of itself? It's as much a part of its nature as watching girls canoodle.

Billy: Her followers believe she's a healer, but it might depend on what kind of ailment you've got.

Runawaybride: Don't tell me the Indian police harass couples who hold hands! That's too silly for words!

Azra: I hug humans very selectively, Miss Azra. The need must be great and the bosom must be ample enough to bear the pressure.

Jaya: Oh dear, Jaya, that sounds worrying. Please accept my virtual hugs.
That woman seems awesome.

I love hugs. One of my friends hates them, and she made hug coupons for me on my birthday.

In Pakistan, the men hug each other, and they hold hands too, and its considered perfectly normal. Its customary to hug each other on Eid, i think. Unless they're the rich/westernised kind of people, in which they do the awkward man-hug thing. or nod.
I hug my kids and my parents, but aside from that my hugging nature only includes men I am attracted to. Obviously there are those hugs you receive from random family members... but even those I shy away from.

At my sister's wedding in September, the dear informed all of her friends (yes... every friend within a 3 mile radius) that I was not to be hugged because I do not like touching. Imagine the look on the faces of those who met me prior to her announcement! AWKWARD!

I don't mind a brief courtesy hug, I simply don't long for the embrace of friends I saw two weeks ago. We're not long lost anything.

So unless you've got big powerful arms, strong shoulders, and a penis... it might be best to save the hugging for the other girlfriends.
Yes, thats so silly! But they do that!! Or rather sillier as they punish couples for just chit chatting in the parks. Here's the link
Hi there, came through Curry Queen. Here in California, all this new enhancing surgery can mean hugs can sometime be rock solid.
hmmmm. it's not the usual context in which video cameras are brought in to watch me hug another woman, but what the hell. i'll try anything once.

and there was a link missing from my post when you were there, GB. i'd love it if you went back to have a look, tis truly inspiring stuff.
Everyone should just stay in their own bubble
I like hugs - the giving and the getting, preferably with a non-bosomed man,

Vice Versa: Good for you, Miss Vice Versa! What do gay men do in Pakistan? Let me guess: they stay in the closet!

Angie: So you only enjoy being hugged by people you're sexually attracted to? That's actually quite a masculine attitude.

Runawaybride: The police say they are doing it to protect the girls, so why don't the girls tell them to piss off? They don't want their boyfriends to get their ears twisted, do they?

ALW: Hello and welcome, ALW. What are they putting into Californian bosoms, these days? I thought silicone was quite soft.

Kage: You sound like a pretty good hugger, Ms Kage. Enthusiasm and promiscuity are good qualities for the job.

Reality Jayne: And hope that no one pricks it?

Robyn: I'm not surprised you don't like moobs, Robyn, but what about pecs?
I introduced my GF to a woman at my work who is 6'5" and the sweetest most caring African American woman you'll ever meet. GF got a big hug from her and buried her face in those big pillows and said it was tremendous. I'm so, so jealous. You have no idea.

I'd welcome a hug from the big Indian lady too. I never turn down a good hug. We all need them.
Hey, wait a minute.....
I'm English - a hug is a small patch of Hell.

We never hug in our family. We might get up close while we're going through pockets for valuables, trying to incite jealousy or testing each other's anti-strangulation collar-starching, but that's as emotional as it gets.

I hug dogs though (but only the ones whose owners haven't yet obtained Court orders).
Huh? I wonder if her magic hugs work..... and also it makes me wonder if that guy on the street corner who offered to give me "private fondling" also had magic powers?
Ha! Sounds fun - except for the grease stains she must get on her shoulder!
A pair of chiseled pecs, GB, on an ape or human? Oh yeah.
Dr Ken: She sounds like a woman who was designed to clasp men to her bosom. Don't give up hope, Dr Ken, you facial massage may yet happen!

Al: An old cock might not be sure of itself, but why would you have met one?

The Owl Wood: Hello and welcome, Mrs Wood. I would rather hug cats, they have much less saliva than dogs.

Madman: I would guess the guy you met on a street corner did have a magical touch, in the sense of being able to give you warts. Did he offer you sweets as well?

Macy: Yes, her tunic would be a good test garment for a biological washing powder.

Robyn: I'll do plenty of push-ups before we meet, Robyn. I hate to disappoint people!
Alas you have to have a cushion-y bosom for this to be effective. Any man who tried to use my ladybumps as a pillow would get concussion.
How on Earth did they get so hard, Jane? You don't have to answer that, but you've made me wonder about the physiology of the booby.
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