Friday, December 23, 2011

Christmas Carols

I arrive in London to spend Christmas with the noble Dr Whipsnade, benefactor of the worthy, guardian of the innocent and chastiser of the villainous. After taking supper with the doctor and his wife, I step outside to watch a band of humans singing Christian hymns. Their voices are earnest and tuneful, although rather affected for my taste. We gorillas prefer a more robust style of vocal expression that reaches the pelvis as well as the ear drums. This does not stop me from applauding their performance: 

“Bravo!” I cry. “Wait here while I go inside to get something for you!” 

I brush past the butler when he opens the door and return with a couple of crisp banknotes in my paw. I am about to hand them over when Dr Whipsnade emerges in his overcoat and grabs my forearm. 

“Don’t do that, Bananas, they’re not licensed to collect for charity,” he says. “Jevons will bring them some mulled wine.” 

The choir look disappointed. “We wouldn’t have minded a tip,” mutters one of them as I re-enter the mansion with cash in hand. 

This incident illustrates one of the enduring features of an English Christmas: it’s the time of year when money is at the forefront of people’s minds. The first man who properly understood this was Charles Dickens, whose work is much celebrated in the festive season. A Christmas Carol, let no one forget, is a parable about a miser. I’ve seen it enacted so many times that I now hold revisionist views on it. 

The story, you see, has a glaring moral defect: Scrooge was scared into turning over a new leaf by ghosts. The use of terror tactics to make a sinner repent is not the Christmas spirit. It seems obvious to me that what the old codger really needed was a woman. Instead of harassing him with spectres, Dickens should have given Nancy from Oliver Twist a supporting role as the Wench from Novels Past. If she had snuck into Scrooge’s bed at midnight, straddling him between her broad and luscious thighs, he would have definitely been a new man in the morning. 

A consistent theme in all of Dickens’ work is that sex makes humans happy. Why else would Bob Cratchit be in such good cheer, in spite of all his woes? The size of his family suggests that servicing the missus was one of his favourite pastimes. The same is true of Dickens’ female characters. David Copperfield’s pretty young wife died with a smile on her face, which women don’t make a habit of doing unless they’ve been given a good seeing to. And no one was more miserable than Miss Havisham, the bitter old prune who renounced men after getting jilted on her wedding day. 

After retiring to my bedroom, I look out of the window at the grand houses in this affluent neighbourhood of London, and wonder how much shagging is going on. Not much, judging by the long faces I saw moping around in the morning. I blame Dickens. People are so preoccupied with money and presents that their libidos have turned Scrooge-like. They ought to remember the event that Christmas celebrates: the first and only time that God had sex with a woman. 

Gorilla Bananas wishes his readers a Merry Christmas.

The Japing Ape will return on Monday 9th January.

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Merry Christmas to you, too!
I think that's because his name was "DICKens." I could be wrong, though.
Hee hee hee, look at Santa sharing the Yule Log.
wondering about the locals having sex? how very Amelie of you!!!!!!!!!!
have a wonderful yule!

nadolig LLawen x
Did the carol singers look like goers?

Merry chrimbo GB!

The Jules
Nancy getting a damn good Scrooging... now there's a novel I'd like to read.

Have a great Christmas, Mr Bananas.
In your own inimitable way (and mind), you have captured what should be the true spirit of Christmas! ;)
Wishing you a Merry one…
Merry Christmas, GB.
Lots of sex goes on during Christmas I suppose. There are way too many people with birthdays in September.
I agree with Jaya. Christmas is that time of the year when we socialize most and meet new people. And people are in a gift giving and taking mode. Same applies to sex.

Wish you a Merry Christmas!
I've been to one party too many to verify that sex does indeed happen - however often illicitly with other peoples spouses. Then again, I'm in the Southern Hemisphere and our Christmases usually occur around a swimming pool of some sort. Merry Christmas Mr GB, have a great one!
There are terrible rumours circulating at the club suggesting that the good Dr Whipsnade invites you annually to... to... decorate his tree for him, "on the cheap".

Have you been asked to elevate any fairies or re-arrange any baubles at altitude?
Xmas = Stuffing. Nuff said.

Have a Cool Yule, Mr B!
Al: I think "yule log" is something of an exaggeration. Flattering Santa won't get you more presents.

John: You mean Amelie the French girl, played by Little Miss Tatou? I never realised we had anything in common, but it's not a notion that displeases me.

The Jules: All I can say for sure is that they were eager to pocket my banknotes!

Steve: Me too. Whatever you say about Scrooge, he would have made a better boyfriend than Bill Sykes.

Beth: Thank you, Beth. May your cup overfill with intoxicating beverages.

Jaya: That's a good point, Jaya. The English are adept at using alcohol as a cold weather aphrodisiac. Or possibly an all-weather one.

Runaway: True enough, Miss Runaway, but it's also a time when children are at home, making a racket and staying up late. What goes on in India at this time of year?

Azra: You South Africans have got the ideal Christmas climate for fooling around, Miss Azra. And I suspect the ambience created by your native wildlife makes humans feel friskier too! Have a great one yourself.

The Owl Wood: Of course not, Mr Wood, those sort of tasks are performed by his buxom maidservant. I would hold the step-ladder if she asked.

Mr Boyo: You too, Mr Boyo! I'm sure your turkey will be getting a fist full of sage and onion! Or do you Welsh have your own native type of stuffing?
We prefer leek and chestnut, and who wouldn't?
it's definitely an all weather, rather universal aphrodisiac, GB. although i think, over-consumption kills it.
A merry Christmas to you...
You always bring things back to what matters most, GB. And that final Maybe I should convert.
Merry Christmas!
Pip's sister turned me off of women for an entire semester. I recited a rosary every day for the return of my libido. It worked.
Probably not the only time that he had sex with a woman, GB, but after all the fuss that is still being made 2000 years later you'd hardly blame him for not publicizing his other forays. Merry Christmas from your London correspondent, RH x
Three days after Christmas and I had to come back to have a look at that picture-kinda like "The Ghost of Christmas Past."
That chick doesn't look terribly pleased about having her stocking stuffed.
Santa is an amazing man! he can do christmas and her :P
holy shit.. are you seriously a monkey on here talking to us or am i so ignorant to think that monkey's cant use a thinking its the last one but i do not know because im extremely drunk right now.. by the way..if you are a monkey.. do you smoke weed?
oh yea man.. i forgot to ask you, what did you think of the new Rise of the Planet of the Apes movie? haha
Damn Santa... get some!!! And you are right.... Scrooge would have been far more giving with say TWINS!!!
the last pic(santa leaning on to a lady) was awesome...! Happy new year!
Exactly Mr Gorilla Bananas - It's all about giving and receiving! Happy New Year to you :)
Just want you to know I'm waiting for your next post. Hope everything's okay. If you're taking a break, that's fine. Take your time.
Mr Boyo: I'm partial to the leek myself. I like a vegetable you can grab hold of while chewing.

Jaya: Yes, it's funny how alcohol can encourage friskiness and kill performance at the same time.

Nota Bene: Thank you, Sir! Belated New Year wishes to your good self.

Robyn: No need to convert, Robyn! The gentiles are secretly envious of the sensual Jewish mating dance!

Fred: She was a terrible harridan, but Joe Gargery seemed devoted to her. Maybe he knew how to handle her in the sack.

Righteous Harlot: Maybe someone should write a book called The Sex Life of the Almighty. New Year greetings to you, Ms RH.

Al: Be my guest. You can copy it into your private album if you want.

Kage: There are different ways of showing pleasure, Ms Kage. Not everyone hyperventilates.
BragonDorn: I think he sees it as a perk of the job. Stuffing nothing but stockings must get a bit monotonous after a while.

The Nug Man: I'm certainly not a monkey. Monkeys have tails and piss on us gorillas from the tree tops. All the Planet of the Apes movies are pants!

Madman: Twins might have given Scrooge heart failure. Let's see if he can deal with one vixen at a time first!

Hari: Glad you liked it! Happy New Year to you, my good fellow!

Juliette: And to you, Jules!
I think we both know how to give and receive!

Fred: I'm fine and back in the Congo, Fred. Next post on Monday (Sunday if you're in America).
Well my bad Gorilla Bananas, lol, like I said before, I was really drunk when I said that. How is the congo treating a mighty fine Gorilla like yourself? Also,i was wondering what your input is on the legalization of Marijuanna.Personally i would love to see it legalized but our damn government always has to treat us like little kids and point fingers to us and say No.
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