Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Sleeping booty

I’m feeling a little sorry for the 19-year-old Polish girl who mistook a snake for her boyfriend. She was asleep on a couch when the serpent coiled around her thighs, making her think that said boyfriend was exploring her nether regions. It’s an easy mistake to make in a country such as Poland, where snakes are rather thin on the ground. Apparently, this one had escaped from a pet shop and was looking for a safe place to hide in. It succeeded only partially, I should imagine. 

The girl was naturally horrified to find herself in flagrante delicto with a reptile when she awoke. I hope she didn’t feel violated. The snake obviously had no idea what it was doing and must have been as shocked as she was when its comfortable resting place turned into a mass of squirming flesh. If anyone deserves blame it’s the boyfriend, who left the young woman alone and unprotected. What’s the point of having a 19-year-old girlfriend if you abandon her the minute she lies down on a couch? 

Interestingly enough, the practice of fondling women in their sleep seems to be a growing niche area of erotic entertainment. Heaven knows why porn viewers find it arousing. In the first place, the actresses are obviously only pretending to be asleep; in the second place, their supposed condition severely restricts the range of acts they can perform. Maybe it’s something men dream of doing to their wives, to satisfy their needs with the minimum of fuss and no post-coital cuddling. I wouldn’t be surprised if quite a few husbands got kneed in the groin after unsuccessfully attempting the manoeuvre. Watching the deed depicted in pornography might help them live out their escapist fantasy. 

You might be wondering how a busy gorilla like me keeps up with the latest themes of the adult entertainment industry. As luck would have it, a couple of on-line acquaintances send me video clips, with a particular focus on the kinky genres. Are these correspondents readers of this blog? I’m not going to say, but they do encourage me to ruminate on their offerings and promulgate my views. Many humans, it seems, want to have their hobbies validated by a gorilla. 

Anyway, a more legitimate method of stimulating a sleeping woman has been devised by an Englishman called Tony Maggs. The Little Rooster Alarm Clock is a non-penetrative device that rests inside the knickers and brings the wearer to a joyous awakening at a time of her choosing. 

“It starts very gently, then slowly increases in power until you wake up,” explained Maggs. “It’s so much nicer than a conventional alarm clock,” he added. “Why would a woman want to wake-up any other way?” 

Maggs is clearly delighted with his invention, but I’d like to hear the opinion of a user before it gets the Bananas endorsement. If any lady bloggers are planning to give it a try, I will link their review at the end of this post.

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My father once bought my mum a teasmade. That is the English way to wake up a woman in the morning... back in the day when this country had standards.

P.S. Has Mr Maggs developed a male version of this alarm clock?
I think that would make everyone have a really good morning. At first I was thinking about how we should wake up all the poor guys who don´t have anything similar to this but... If only girls with boyfriends/husbands have this alarm clock it would get them in the mood to satisfy their man so everyone wins. Just give me some time and I´ll figure out what to do with all the single men...
waking up to an orgasm?
bloody hell...... I cant do ANYTHING in the morning before I have my first cup of coffee!
but put something in my knickers first thing?
at least I dont have to scratch my balls when I wake up
Why restrict its use to being awakened in the morning? One could set the alarm to go off at various times all day... ;)
oh....If thats all it takes...
Fake sleep?.......I can do that.
First, if one of these things was made for a man, the very minute after orgasm, he'd fall back asleep (I know, because I have).
Second, if one of these was made for a man, sign me up for one. I won't mind being late for work.
Third, I wonder what that girl in the black shirt was doing with her hands before she fell asleep. Pretty sad to fall asleep on yourself.
I've done that, too.
Finally, I'm going to chalk this picture up along with that one of the green chick as one I will visit again.
Exactly, GB. Who leaves a 19 yr old girlfriend unattended. So the alarm just vibrates or also have loud noises ?
my best friend is a shaman and in his youth he used his skillset to have his way with females whilst they slept. sadly, alcoholism has diminished his skills.
I'm wondering if it's legal to marry that device. ?
I have little interest in devices Mr GB so you're gonna have to count me out I'm afraid. Call me if there's chocolate body paint.
Steve: The male version of the device is a pet monkey with a wristwatch.

Rebecca: I love the way you care about everyone's needs, Rebecca. Does everyone in Norway share your social conscience?

John Gray: I'm not convinced a ball-scratcher would be safe. There's a fine line between tickling the goolies and crushing them.

Beth: Is that how you'd like to be told that the roast is done, Beth? Having an orgasm might cause some women to forget about the oven.

Reality Jayne: I'll put you down for an audition, Jayne.

Al: I fear that a male device would be beset with various technical problems. And someone should have told those girls that sleeping on the belly is unhealthy.

Jaya: I'm sure it doesn't make a loud noise, Jaya. The woman could do that if she wanted to.

Billy: They say a time arrives in a man's life when he has to choose between booze and broads.

Robyn: I don't see why not, Robyn. The problem would be introducing him to the in-laws.

Azra: Chocolate body paint isn't really ideal for bed, Miss Azra. I'm told it works better at the dinner table, when your companion is ready for dessert.
A wristwatch? An eggtimer will suffice for most users.
I'm all for morning sex, but I refuse to get up early for it when I am alone.
I stopped by to have a look at the girls again, but I thought it would be rude to not at least say hello.
Okay, I'm gonna scroll back up now.
I want one! the toy not the snake!
How would a female gorilla react to a snake coiling round her upper thighs on weakening GB? As for the little rooster alarm clock, does it have a snooze button I can press continually?!
I meant on waking. That must have been a Freudian slip!
OMG i absolutely have to get my hands...and knickers...on this alarm clock!!! I have such a hard time waking up in the morning so this would be more than helpful...heehee

And i'm not so sure the snake didn't know what he was doing there, GB....can't trust those slithery bastards
Can you not just put a normal alarm clock down your pants for a similar result, or is there a muffling effect?
Steve: Doesn't a housewife ask her husband to have sex with her on the kitchen table when the egg-timer is broken?

Angie: You can set it to wake you up at lunchtime if that's what you prefer, Angie.

Al: Make sure you have your eyes tested afterwards.

DZ-Chick: Do you have a Christmas stocking, Miss Chick?

Juliette: It does have a snooze button, Jules. And a snorgasm button too (whatever that means). Click on the link if you don't believe me!

Sabrina: I wish they'd chosen you to test the device, Saby. You could have given us all the juicy details!

The Jules: An ordinary alarm clock is too unsubtle: it just buzzes away at the same frequency. Not unlike many men, I dare say.
promulgate your what now? that's disgusting.

and speaking if videos, i am still waiting for the review of the one i sent you, GB. you know the one, with the hot wax and the trampoline and the strippers dangling from the ceiling and the gently weeping goat and brightly burning etiquette manuals? and then the ambulances?

yes i knitted it myself
Did I dream leaving a comment? I only dropped back to have another look at that fine rack of buttocks, but I'm sure I'd already left a purile and offensive comment. I had been drinking, however.
What a great alarm clock! Women would all be in better moods if they wore those. I know what I'm buying some of my bitchier coworkers this Christmas, or would that be sexual harassment?

Also, whenever I came home from the bars without meeting any chicks, I would have killed to have seen 3 chicks in my bed like that!
Maybe the boy was using the snake in an attempt to trick the girl into thinking he was satisfying her. That is a dangerous game, though. Once she realizes the snake is ten times the size of your penis and has a tongue to boot, you're toast.

Maybe he should have put some peanut butter on her groin and let the dog have at it. I don't endorse it, but I'm not one to question Polish custom.
I'm trying to imagine what would happen if GB tried it on with one of his harem while she was expecting a few more minutes of oblivion in her nest(?). The image of great tufts of hair being pulled out by their roots while adroit feet play merry hell with "gentlemen bits" has me squirming in my seat with the horror.
Kage: There I was trying to protect your anonymity and you couldn't resist exposing yourself, Ms Kage. When I saw it, I wept with the goat.

DZ-Chick: I'll write a letter to Santa for you, Miss DZ-Chick.

Jon: If you did leave one, I certainly didn't delete it. Puerile, offensive and drunken comments have pride of place over here.

Dr Ken: I'm sorry to hear you have bitchy co-workers, Dr Ken. Maybe you should discreetly leave adverts for the Little Rooster on their desks.

Chris V: Would a dog really lick peanut butter off a woman's cha-cha? I would thought they preferred it raw given that they're always licking their own groins.

Jobrag: She wouldn't mind if she were in oestrus, but I prefer doing it when they're awake. I like to get instant feedback when I'm on the job.
yeah, i can never resist exposing myself.
Okay, the idea of the snake...very bad. How awful for her! Scary.

I imagine that would be a much more pleasant way to wake up than a beeping alarm you want to toss across the room.
I would be happy to give this a test drive as a man, if you could arrange for me to receive a free one. I'll even have Tessa try it.
Urgh - but you'd have to wear super-tight knickers to make sure the Little Rooster didn't wander off during the night. Pussies should be allowed to breathe freely while their owners sleep.
Kage: I always knew you were a woman with a vocation, Ms Kage.

Frisky Virgin: And I believe it works on virgins too - without compromising their virtue!

Fred: It might get very confused if a man put it on his groin. There's no telling what a confused Little Rooster would do.

Righteous Harlot: It's already been tested on hundreds of women, Ms RH. It should remain in place unless you wiggle your gusset to an inordinate degree.
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