Friday, November 11, 2011

No weddings and a family

Hugh Grant has finally become a father at the age of 51. God bless him. According to his spokesman, the baby is the product of a “fleeting affair” with Miss Tinglan Hong, a Chinese actress. Hugh is nevertheless delighted to have a daughter and intends to play a role in her upbringing. Not too active a role, one would hope. Chinese infants are taught to respect and obey their parents, which would obviously be a mad thing to do if your father were Hugh Grant. 

Some people are tut-tutting because the couple had unprotected sex when they barely knew each other. They forget that Hugh has STD check-ups as frequently as most porn stars. As for Miss Hong, she may well have been a virgin who was saving herself for Hugh. Ludicrous though it may seem, people in the Far East actually revere him as the epitome of an English gentleman. One hopes he deflowered Miss Hong with the delicacy she would have anticipated.

Whatever the intimate details, the financial settlement appears to be generous. Hugh has already bought Miss Hong a fine house in London, one mile away from his own place. This will allow him to stroll over when the baby needs to be cuddled or listen to goo-goo noises. He seems, for now, to be relishing the prospect of such duties: 

“As much as I adore myself, I’m quite keen to find someone to care about more,” he quipped. 

He has no plans to live with his daughter, of course. Hugh may love his child as much as any father, but that doesn’t give her the right to ruin his beauty sleep. 

The defining event in Hugh’s career occurred in 1995, when he paid a hooker to oblige him orally in the front seat of his BMW. The police caught him in the act and took a famous mug shot, which quickly went round the world. A lesser man would have sulked in the shadows until the story had blown over (so to speak), bitterly brooding on his humiliating fall from grace. What Hugh did was appear in chat shows so he could cheerfully admit to being an ass and grin at the jokes made at his expense. This artful piece of PR ensured he continued to get leading roles in romantic comedies, playing the foppish buffoon we have grown to know and love. 

I was delighted to hear that the prostitute who siphoned Hugh’s manly fluids has thrived and prospered. Stella Marie Thompson (alias Miss Divine Brown) made a small fortune from the media interest in her escapade, allowing her to move into a four-bedroom house and put her daughters through private school.

According to Stella, Hugh told her she was gorgeous and asked if he could kiss her before agreeing to settle for a sixty-dollar blow job. Didn't he know that there's no need to compliment a call girl before she gets down to business? Or is it possible that beneath the rakish veneer of insouciance lies a gallant and amorous soul? No, that can't be possible - it must have been a conditioned reflex induced by the stiffy in his pants.

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Is it wrong to think that waiting until he was over 50 is actually commendable given the man's past, lifestyle, career, etc.? I am astonished, to be honest, that more women haven't come forward with stories of him fathering children with them. It seems to be all the rage.

As with any public shaming for naughty behavior, it's all in how you handle it. I tend to let a person off the morality hook more often if they admit what they did and don't put forth the fake tears, pleas for forgiveness, and full media coverage about how they've turned their life over to God.

There's a difference between being sorry you did something and being sorry you got caught.
I'm sure there's a joke to be made about Hugh and wood... but for the life of me I can't think what it is.
Everytime I see her name it makes me think of Ting Tong.

Her from Little Britain.
Did Hugh actually father a child with Matt Lucas ?
I, for one, wish more men were prone to such a conditioned reflex – and I’m referring to the "gallant and amorous" kind... :)
Yes, the famous mugshots. How can I forget them.
Wonder how many more children he has fathered.
Miss Hong sounds disappointed.
I had begun to believe that Hugh Grant was sterile. Even all these protected sex have some amount of failure rate and it had to show up in some way in him. Then again, he might have been more of a head guy.
Angie: I don't think he's done anything very wrong, Angie, do you? I also suspect he's been quite nice to the women he's slept with. He just doesn't want to commit to one.

Steve: Yes, there must be. How about a scene where Hugh brings in some firewood and his pissed-off girlfriend says "that's the only wood you're getting today"?

Dirty Cowgirl: He might have tried to if Matt's make-up was good enough.

Beth: That would be nice, Beth. Have you met a man who could be gallant and amorous without a stiffy in his pants?

Jaya: Disappointed that Hugh won't settle down in with her? She would have been very naive to expect that.

Runaway bride: A "head guy" Miss Runaway?! You never used to employ such terms! What have you and Fair Guy been up to?!
I can understand the lack of desire to commit. :)
and I thought the most defining thing in his career was when Liz Hurley wore THAT dress. Anyway good to see he's keeping his pecker up.
That was funny. :P
i hope he had a dna test. the last time i trusted a chinese woman i ended up having stir fried cat for dinner.
"Oblige him orally"?
She said how good-looking he was?
I know, I know what you mean.
She told him a joke.
hmmm...I suppose is H. Grant got me pregnated..I would rather him just give me a nice living style for me and the kid....and live down the street...or in another country even. I have never been a Hugh fan.
Now about those mug shots....She does have the lips for .....stuff
I read 51 and thought "damn he's old." But then I remembered that I'm only six years behind him.

Hugh and I have a similar condition. No. I'm not a gigolo. But I would bet he's terrified of this kid. Luckily, he's got cash. But no amount of cash could make me happy about having a kid. I don't know why. It's just something that always filled me with dread. I'll never do it. Never.
Hugh Grant is an award-winning actor not a gigolo. Have you had the snip, Fred? If not, you should.
Hugh Grant's smile alone has been known to impregnate women across the globe.
I'm not sure I would have his baby for any amount of money! Too many folks already tread down his path!
Angie: Maybe you and Hugh should get together.

Nota Bene: Yes, he certainly seems to be good at keeping that up.

Billy: Did it taste OK? A Chinese woman with a wok can make anything taste good.

Al: You could call it a slapstick gag without words. It might even have made him laugh.

Jayne: You sound like Hugh's kind of woman, Jayne. Pity he's not your type!

Fred: I thought you did have a son, Fred. Or are you a step dad?

Lady Daphne: A man shouldn't let a surgeon tinker around with his equipment, milady. It might never function properly again.

Static: Not with his own man-goo, that's for sure.

Laughing Mom: Your name suggests you've managed to reproduce without him.
Wow I didn't know that about Hugh Grant
Are we sure it's Hugh's? Not to be indelicate but, at 51, wouldn't his sperm be a bit on the fragile side? Or is that just me?
God, to have some beauty sleep. At 51 his sperm would definitely be on the fragile side. Though they say the same thing about alcohol abuse and nicotine (not to mention caffeine), and I've managed to sire 3. In fact, I would give anything if my sperm were a bit on the fragile side.
Mr GB, what if Hugh was just looking for some kind of intimacy, and that's why he asked DB for a kiss. Or perhaps he was just exercising his English Gentleman-ly ways by doing the "proper" thing... we all know how "polite" most British males are. Can't believe he's already 51...
“As much as I adore myself, I’m quite keen to find someone to care about more,” he quipped.
Well how gallant is that? But not the changing nappies and sleepless nights and baby vomit down the Armani suit jacket right?
Hugh Grant was the only reason to see a romantic comedy in the 90s. Good to see he still has the magic touch of paying women for sex. In this case, he paid her after the fact, but it's just tomayto tomahto.

I knew a girl named Tinglin Wang, but I think she may have been a man. It's hard to tell with some of those slender Asians, and Ms. Wang catered to the anal crowd, so they didn't really care one way or the other.
Great. The last thing this world needs is a mini-Hugh Grant.

"A lesser man would have sulked in the shadows until the story had blown over (so to speak)." Nicely played, GB. Your wit is ahead (so to speak) of its time.

Adam: People come to this blog for breaking news stories, Adam.

Tennyson: You forget that it only takes one fit sperm to make a baby. They're in a race, so the winner has the constitution of an Olympic champion.

Wagthedad: Have you considered having your tubes snipped? I'm not recommending it, but it seems to work for some men.

Azra: You could be right, Miss Azra, but prostitutes don't sell intimacy. I don't think she did let him kiss her.

Juliette: Spoken like a true mother, Jules! I hope you never fell for a cad like Hugh!

ChrisV: I think the men who had sex with her must have known what she was. They might have actually preferred women with willies.

Robyn: Hah, Robyn, so is yours!
When I first heard Hugh Grant was a father, I thought hell had frozen over. Then I read that the baby was a result of a brief affair and that the relationship was over...and all made sense in the world once more. The End.
Sorry for the lateness, but I have it on good authority from a gentleman of the press (who are all now just terrified of Hugh and are not about to print anything nasty about him) that the "fleeting affair" was no more than a 90 second knee trembler in the toilets of a well-known London restaurant.

I'm sure that there can be no truth in this rumour myself, but if there is, it is nice to see that Hugh was gentleman enough to wine & dine the lady before slipping her the skinless sausage.
Frisky Virgin: Not all men are cut out for relationships, Miss Virgin. Think of Hugh as a rich man-ho.

Jon: If true, it's very similar to how Boris Becker sired a child. Except he did it to a waitress who got a tip rather than a free meal. And I think Boris was rather quicker than Hugh, as one would expect of Wimbledon champion.
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