Friday, November 25, 2011

Sealed with a kiss

An Italian fashion house has launched an advertising campaign promoting the idea that enemies should kiss and make-up. A huge picture of President Obama and Hugo Chavez pressing lips recently appeared on a billboard outside the Brazzaville YMCA. Everyone knows the photo is a fake, so it generated very little excitement, even among the residents of the YMCA. 

It’s just as well that Obama is secure enough in his sexuality not to blast the poster to kingdom come with a Cruise missile. He’s recently been proving his heterosexual credentials by canoodling with Julia Gillard, the raunchy redhead who rules the roost in Australia. After greeting Ms Gillard with a moist-looking peck on the cheek, he patted her receptive tush right into the White House. I hope Michelle was mature enough not to give him hell afterwards – there’s no such thing as cheating when you’re making political alliances. 

The only person complaining about the poster campaign is Pope Benedict, who was depicted smooching an Egyptian holy man. A Vatican spokesman denounced it as a violation of the Holy Father’s chastity, but I suspect what really upset Benny was the lack of passion in the kiss. No one ever got to be Pope without sticking his tongue down a few throats. The fashion house withdrew the Papal poster under threat of legal action, but there must be a few thousand stashed away in a warehouse. They'll become a collector’s item after Benny has his sex-change operation. 

The most puzzling poster is the one of Sarkozy kissing Frau Merkel. The couple were bosom allies the last time I checked, so why show them kissing? Could Sarko have bribed the fashion house to do it because he wanted to make his wife jealous? A new mother is often so infatuated with her baby that she neglects her husband’s needs. Maybe the poster will prompt Carla to accelerate her programme of coochie exercises so she can wrap her luscious thighs around Sarko the next time he ventures into the marital bed. If he keeps on fantasizing about getting into Frau Merkel's pants it might damage the French national interest. She doesn’t look like the sort of woman who’ll give it away for nothing. 

Now, this advertising campaign is a clever gimmick, but its premise looks flawed to me. There is no evidence from human history that kissing is a reliable indicator of benign intentions. Delilah kissed Sampson; Judas kissed Jesus; J Edgar Hoover kissed Dillinger and a dozen other gangsters. It’s the oldest trick in the book to butter up your victim with a smooch before giving him the big shaft. As Shirley Bassey said, it’s the kiss of death from Mr Goldfinger. 

Instead of kissing, humans who want to make peace should do what we gorillas do: bring about a controlled collision between their rumps. It takes real courage to turn your back on a rival and stick out your behind, trusting that he will do the same rather than kicking your arse or attempting some other unspeakable act. If President Obama started booty-bumping all the hostile characters who show up in the UN building, the Age of Universal Love might finally dawn.

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look aT movies

usually all have an evil woman in tow!
Humans are simply not as trusting as gorillas.
(Have you ever considered a career in politics? You possess the savvy!)
Blimey if that was only 19:26 it would have been one hell of a party by 22:26.
First picture: thank God no tongues.
Last pictures: too bad no tongues.
All depends on perspective, I suppose.
those guys at benetton have more courage than i will ever have. i wouldn't be surprised if a few navy seals or swiss guards paid them a visit.
Who says he hasnt been booty bumping all along.?..Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The Pope is just jealous and bitter cos he cant publicly fondle young boys and bugger them like he'd like to!
John Gray: Yes, indeed. And don't forget 'Kiss My Entire Ass, Mofo!', the blaxploitation classic.

Beth: Thanks for that endorsement, Beth. If I ever run for office I'll appoint you my campaign manager.

Kellogsville: I don't think that party would have got any better. Too much alcohol impairs the coordination required for kinky acts.

Al: The only place for the tongues to go in the second picture is in the air! I suppose it might have added to the cheekiness.

Billy: They've got more to fear from the Pope than the president. Obama doesn't even lift a finger against men who fantasize about him raping them.

Reality Jayne: No one says it, Jayne! I think you deserve a presidential booty-bump for your services to the handicrafts industry.

Sabrina: The Pope stopped buggering people 30 years ago, Saby. It required too much energy of him.
I must admit, I'd rather see our world leaders rubbing bottoms than lobbing cruise missiles at each other. But I worry it would all degenerate into willy fights with the British contingent.
if everyone bum rubbed for a handshake...
I thought the picture of the Pope wasn't that bad - he obviously disagrees... he "doth protest too much" I think. I doubt anyone would want a bum rub from me Mr. GB.
yeah, i like a nice smooch before getting the big shaft too.

that's actually really important, GB. write that down.
Not only should all friendships and alliances be formed with booty bumping, but conflicts should play out via pillow fights. If global politics were modeled after Playboy mansion parties, the world would be better off.
I really can't comment on the first photo because I don't want to be called a homophobe or a moron or anything, so let me just say of that second picture that I think that's the sexiest plumber's crack I've ever seen. Much respect.

I don't know if I want to see Obama booty bump, but these two gals can do that any time. They have it down to a science. Bumpin'!!
Steve: Willy fights. You know, I've never actually witnessed one. Did you go to boarding school?

Jaya: Firm bum-rubs would replace firm handshakes, so people who wanted to give them would have to get their butts in shape!

Azra: Are you sure, Miss Azra? I think you'd raise more money than you expected if you sold bum-rubs for charity.

Kage: I'll carve that information into my favourite tree, Ms Kage. Do you like leaning on tree trunks?

Chris V: Do you think Hef still has pillow fights with the playmates? They could probably suffocate him with one.

Dr Ken: One girl is quite a bit taller than the other, so their butts don't align perfectly. But it's a minor point in the overall scheme of things.
Benny is clearly not as comfortable with his sexuality as the Egyptian holly dude, he didn't seem to make a fuss! or declare Allahu Akbar

I personally vote for French kissing even between Americans and Venezuelan (Chavez is Venezuelan right?)

To Beth who said you'd make a good politician....According the to the movie (my only sources of information) The Apes takeover of the planet isn't supposed to happen until 2050! so back to your bananas.
Admittedly Apes are far more honourable in their confrontations "bum to bum" or rather "back to back" but with us humans we stick our tongues down each others throat and then stick it to you in the back!
I think I missed "kiss my Entire Ass, Mofo"
was it Walt Disney?
It also looks as if the girl in the background is masturbating without spilling her wine. I want an invite to this party next year.
Why are people so easily offended? I think these are great pictures showing us (and the people in the pics) an alternative reality. It makes us think - if only for a second for we knows they're fake. I wonder what a shrink would have to say about the pope's reaction to 'his' picture...
I saw the fake photo a few days ago. People will come up with anything
I don't know, GB. A collision of rumps would give an unfair advantage to US butts. With the exception of Obama, we've got relatively wide loads here.
DZ-Chick: Wouldn't declaring Allahu Akbar after a kiss mean you liked it, Miss Chick? I'm not 100% au fait with these Arabic idioms. It does shock me that a human would stab someone after French-kissing him, though. Does exchanging bodily fluids count for nothing these days?

John Gray: Yes, and Goofy won a best supporting actor nomination.

Dr Ken: I'm not sure her fingers are quite in position, Dr Ken. Perhaps she's thinking about masturbating rather than actually doing it.

RCB: A shrink would say that the Pope is a repressed transsexual. Actually, I bet many shrinks have already said it.

Adam: Yes, there is no limit to the human imagination.

Robyn: Having a wide one makes you a good target, but does it make you a good bumper, Robyn? I think Jennifer Lopez would be good at giving as well as receiving.
Good call, I couldn't agree more with your commentary on the flawed gimmicks of this ad campaign. A kiss always ends in someone getting the big shaft.

Therefore, I think you meant: "No one ever got to be Pope without sticking his tongue and then his big shaft down a few choir boy's throats."
Butt bumping and smooching? Whatever next in the world of politics!
They've all got their hands in each other's pockets anyway...

Hi nice to meet you. Jody here, Kiwi in Ca, I came through Steve. A cunning plan to get those scantily clad gals in your blog post! In New Zealand we rub noses, but with clothes on...
Hope you don't mind me sharing this to my facebook page. My family will love it. Except for the Pope parts. They're all Catholic. But oh well.
Hugo looks just like Curious George. Ever notice that? Just wondered if an ape would think so.
Booty-bumping would make the world a better place, amen.
Static: I'm not convinced the current Pope has ever done that. He seems more like a pimp than a punter.

Juliette: Your guess is as good as mine, Jules. Would rimming be a possibility?

Pearl: And in other places too, no doubt.

Jody: Hello and welcome, Jody! I have never written a post as an excuse to publish a picture. Those girls are copycats!

Fred: Neither Hugo or Curious George looks anything like a real gorilla. Hugo thinks he does, but he's wrong.

Rebecca: Hello, Rebecca! It doesn't surprise me you approve of booty-bumping, but isn't it a little tame for your taste?
I have obviously not kept up on what the newest fashion in keg parties is. Back in my day we work low cut tops. Apparently the new look is full on Fredrick's of Hollywood! I guess it's time to go shopping!
Yeah you might be right. In my dreamworld things are solved in slightly more naughty ways than just some innocent booty-bumping...
Angie: Don't be too hasty, Angie, those girls weren't dressed for the catwalk.

Rebecca: Yes, I'm sure you're very inventive in you choice of friendly greetings.
You make an excellent point, GB. Didn't Poison Ivy use poison lipstick to subdue Batman? Definitely can't trust the kiss!
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