Monday, November 21, 2011

The erect posture

A professor from Utah is saying that man began walking upright to gain an advantage in fighting for females. A bipedal posture, he claims, makes it easier to punch your rival’s lights out and carry off his woman. To prove his point, he organised a few boxing matches between tall men and hunchbacks to see who could hit harder. 

The professor has my admiration for propounding his theory with a straight face and getting people to fund his slapstick experiments. It’s just as well no one thought of the obvious point that women also walk upright. If the sole purpose of posture were mating, they would squat on all fours like vixens in heat while the men slugged it out for the right to mount them. 

In reality, no sensible woman wants two men to fight over her. Being human, she is bound to prefer the good-looking one, so what would happen if he lost? The victorious Mr Goatface would come trotting over to claim his prize, not in a mood to take no for an answer. Even if Pretty Boy won, imagine the wear-and-tear he would be carrying from the recent battle. A broken nose? Missing teeth? Damage to the reproductive equipment if the fighting got dirty? In the light of these grievous perils, a woman’s best option is to elope with her favoured suitor, leaving his rival to run around holding his dick. 

I’m not saying that a woman should reject violence in all situations. Suppose, for example, that she and her fancy man were ambushed by an evil-looking ruffian intent on pillage and rapine. If you believe Hollywood, she has nothing better to do than watch from the sidelines while her beau and the ruffian fight to the death. The feminist in me rejects this portrayal of women as helpless sissies. What a resourceful woman would do is find a blunt instrument and circle the adversaries cagily until an opportunity arose to wallop the brigand on the back of the skull. As any female gorilla will tell you, there’s nothing unfeminine about sneaking up on a marauder and laying him out cold. 

Now the crux of the matter, of which the professor seems oblivious, is that humans are not built for unarmed combat. If Mother Nature had intended man to be a pugilist, she would have given him longer arms and a smaller nose. The last thing you need in a fist fight is an easy target in the middle of your face. 

The real reason why humans walk upright is well-known to students of African zoology: the erect posture intimidates carnivores like lions, who stupidly believe that anyone taller than them must be strong enough to kick their arses. Hence, a couple of audacious humans can drive an entire lion pride off its kill by walking up to them boldly and telling them to fuck off when they snarl. 

I should hasten to add that such bare-faced chicanery would never work with primates. You need cleverer tricks than walking tall to steal a monkey’s banana. 

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Canadians may be the exception to the accepted theory/theories as to why man began walking upright. (hope the link works - if not, Google "the evolution of a Canadian)
Only in America! That sneaky prof was just looking for an excuse to watch the boxing on company time.

Your latter point makes me curious: aren't lions' prey larger than them? I've never seen a lion intimidated by a zebra.
Always made us giggle in Anthropology class.
Much better than Homo Flaccid, I suppose.
Unless you're sharing the same shower with him.
You are right about the portrayal of women as helpless. They may not be as strong but they'll put up a fight nevertheless. I'd bite and kick and punch and scream right into the ear of the ruffian that he'd suffer permanent hearing loss. Geez, just imagining it puts a smile on my face. Lol.
i always thought women liked me standing erect so they could grab my firm youthful arse then a drunken lass let the cat out of the bag. they were trying to get a feel of how full my wallet was.
God i love monkeys. It's about time you Simians took back control of the world....or have u never really given it away?........

How have u been by the way luv?
Come on professor.... everyone knows the more erect guy gets the girl!!!
Beth: Canadians walk upright to play ice hockey? I thought they liked standing on tip-toe so the could look down on their southern neighbours.

Eden: That's a good point, Miss Eden. It's an optical illusion. Zebra don't look tall because their bodies are so long. Humans are the pencils of the natural world.

Al: Homo Erectus was actually a ladies man. He became extinct when he couldn't get it up.

Jaya: You wouldn't scratch too, Jaya? Pepper spray is another useful weapon for a lady.

Billy: What mercenary females you mixed with, Billy! Your butt should have been a sufficient attraction.

Sabrina: Hello, Saby darling, how are you? I thought you'd become a holy woman or something! I am very well, thanks for asking.

Steve Bailey: He should have hired you as his research assistant. I bet you'd have done more imaginative field work.
Isn't the female more deadlier than the male? Maybe all this posturing is to enable men to run away faster?
Regarding walking upright.
Come on its obvious!
Humans are tool users. That's what brought us to the top of the food chain. Using tools instead of our own bodies teeth or claws.
If we are not walking upright, we would have no hands to use the tools we made.
Our human feet have devolved from hands, the big toe used to be a thumb. Look at the other apes , they have hands for feet. Four hands work best to roam the jungle canopy.
pepper sprays are sensible and useful, but the idea of beating the shit out of an aggressor is liberating indeed :p
i should fix my legs soon and get back to kickboxing, GB.
The feminist in you - what happened to her, did you eat her?
Damn, that man on the left is hairy!
I thought standing upright did well in evolution because it broadened our sexual horizon and made reproduction more fun - though there are a number of on-all-fours-positions in the kama sutra, there is no such thing as a kama sutra for four-legged creatures. Or was it because it made picking fresh fruit easier?
I will take your word for this. Of course I believe you when you say one could walk right up to a lion and tell it to "fuck off". :) I won't be trying it though.

You're right about not wanting men to slug it out. I prefer they kill each other with words and that the handsome one isn't a bumbling idiot lacking vocabulary!
I think I just pee'd myself laughing so hard. Holy hell! Loved this one! Thanks for coming by this weekend!
I just thought all the male cavemen finally stood up and walked upright , because they saw all the cavegirls walking around and decided to try it.
Me a holy woman?!!!! NEVER!!! LOL

Missed you, you sexy ape *pinches bottom*
MR GB,I never did understand why two men would fight over a women (and expect to win her over)... but then again, the more intelligent from our species would abandon both morons and go with number 3...
That said, how would your female Gorillas react?
My mating choice is always a man who is not afraid to grapple with another on a muddy patch of ground. Chicks dig scars, did no-one ever tell you that? As much they dig moustaches.
Good grief that is one hairy man in that picture.

While that scientist fella was busy trying to figure out why we walk upright it seems that you have found the missing link GB.

And how does this all fit with the females who fight over men ? Personally if I have to fight over it I don't want it, but then again if it's worth having is it worth fighting for.
Steve: Only female spiders are deadlier than the male...and possibly women who have retained their poison gland.

Mark p.s.: I believe primates starting walking upright before tool-use came into fashion. Unless you were referring to masturbation, which doesn't require an upright posture.

Jaya: That sounds like fun, Jaya! Only aim for the bollocks when acting in self defence!

Deborah: Don't be cheeky, Debbie, you know I'm a vegetarian. Is that what you call hairy? It's nothing more than bumfluff to a gorilla. Mating is most fun with hands and feet on the ground - it gives you more leverage.

Angie: Do you know any handsome men who are that witty, Angie?

Craziness Abounds: Hello and welcome, Ms Craziness, I'm glad you're enjoying the show!

Reality Jayne: That would have been a good reason, Jayne. A cavemen doesn't want girlies looking down at him!

Sabrina: Missed you too, Saby! *nuzzles soft lady parts*.

Azra: I suppose some women want a fellow who'll suffer for them, Miss Azra. It's good practice for the marriage. Female gorillas prefer to do their own fighting.

Number 11: Still caught up on the rugby theme, Ms No.11? Nothing wrong with a scar, but make sure the brain is still functional.

Dirty Cowgirl: There's no need to flatter him, Ms Cowgirl, he's not that hairy. I would bet on you every time in a catfight.
Poor hunchbacks, they can never get erect.
Hmmm... That actually does make quite a bit of sense...
i fear that the professor in question has neglected to take into consideration the fact of opposable digits.

Humans make tools for hunting. In order to carry said tools we had to have limbs free - so presumably this would have been a factor in walking upright?
Oh yes, if my beau were to be fighting to the death I would find some sneaky trick up my sleeve to maim his rival. I reckon I could snatch a gorillas banana too , once I'd tamed my lion.
Everybody knows that we started walking upright to be better at basketball because that's what impresses human females. And to carry groceries. That impresses them, too. And sweeping floors. A man sweeping a floor is like foreplay to a human female.
LMAO you are SO right. The good looking one will almost always win our mental fight. haha
Robyn: You're comments are getting saucier, Robyn! That one could have been in a Carry-on film!

DWei: Really? I try to steer a middle path between sense and nonsense.

DFTP: Wouldn't having a tool belt be a better solution to carrying them in hand?

Juliette: You'd make an excellent mate for a jungle-dwelling primate, Jules.

Fred: And changing light bulbs too. If you can do that without a step ladder, a woman will have your babies.

Little Ms Fun: Hello and welcome, Ms Fun. Would you elope with a handsome man or make him fight for you?
I'm not one for fighting, but if I need to kick some a**, I'll channel my inner-Buffy. Still, I'd rather kick butt like a Rockette (you get to wear a super cute outfit, too).
well, i thinks this topic is up to everyone's PoV
Happy Thanksgiving
I've looked at pictures of the Rockettes, Miss Virgin, and they appear to prefer kicking air to kicking butt. But you're right about their costumes - you really ought to wear one!
"Hence, a couple of audacious humans can drive an entire lion pride off its kill by walking up to them boldly and telling them to fuck off when they snarl."

There's a couple of people I'd love to persuade to try that. You haven't got any online references I could supply to them have you? Doesn't matter if they come from Boy's Own Adventures rather than a recognised journal of scholarly zoology - we're not talking about particularly bright people here. Thanks.
Jon, me old mate, I have it from no less a source than the BBC, and with video evidence too. Check out the link below:

Lions scared off kill by humans.

You thought I was making the whole thing up for a joke, didn't you? I think you owe me some kind of homage. I'll leave you to select something appropriate.
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