Monday, November 07, 2011

Deceptive behaviour

Tending bar at the safari guesthouse, I serve a drink to a young American man who resembles the actor Robert Downey Junior. After exchanging a few pleasantries, he confides that he is a compulsive womaniser. We gorillas are used to hearing such confessions from humans, who often confuse us with their shrinks. 

“I pretend to be gay,” he says. “Women love having gay boyfriends who’ll go shopping with them and tell them their ass looks great. The gayness puts them off their guard and they soon start hugging and kissing me. After that happens, I just pick the right moment to stick my nose between their hooters.” 

“What if they object to being caressed in that fashion?” I ask. 

“They never do,” he replies. “Women are vain and can’t resist the idea of turning a gay guy straight. It makes them feel special.” 

“What a sly fellow you are!” I exclaim. “Don’t try it in the Congo, though. Pretty boys who pretend to be gay over here end up in the tent of a tribal chief.” 

I later reflect on the women deceived by this wily seducer. What went through their minds when the man-friend who said he was gay started nuzzling their jahoobies? Clearly, emotion and wishful-thinking must have clouded their judgement. The lesson for nubile women everywhere is clear: the man who talks gay but pets straight is not to be trusted. He is probably a devious bounder with dishonourable intentions. 

Having said all that, it is noteworthy that there are men in America who can feign gayness without feeling shame. This is a social advance to be applauded. Obviously, they must drop the act when they’re in a redneck bar or riding with the Hell’s Angels, but that’s just a matter of common sense. You don’t go for a swim in a pool full of sharks. 

Not so long ago, it was gay men who pretended to be straight. Some, like the cowboys in Brokeback Mountain, even married women to camouflage their true nature. Apparently, women who perform this function are called “beards”. I learnt of this terminology when Chris Martin (the pop musician) referred to Gwyneth Paltrow (his wife) as a great beard. He was obviously joking, but it was still an ugly slur. No A-list actress should be given an epithet which befits the bush sprouting from Brian Blessed’s chin. 

Do beards still exist in the modern world? Some people have jumped to the conclusion that George Clooney’s latest girlfriend is a beard, merely because she used to be a professional wrestler. That doesn’t follow at all. Being attracted to a female who can put you in a headlock has nothing to do with being gay, as any male gorilla will tell you. 

I do have a suspicion that Britney Spears is an unwitting beard, though. Her current boyfriend is a narcissistic fellow called Jason Trawick, who co-starred with Britney in her latest pop video. Their simulated sex scenes were so unconvincing that Britney had to grope a couple of pillows to portray her ecstasy. A man who allows pillows to steal his love-scene obviously isn’t performing with his first choice. 

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this sounds like something george castanza would do to get a date. after asian gymnast, female rassler would be my next fantasy.
Perhaps the women were secretly wishing that the man resembling RDJ was straight too :p
I actually know a friend who looks like RDJ, who looks gay but very straight. He doesn't pretend.
Anyways, it's not nice to pretend to be gay just to get into some women' pants.
One of my gf's and I have mock lover's spats at the mall at least once a year. It keeps the faux-romance alive... and trips out the sales folks.

I don't think I've ever had a straight guy pretend to be gay to try to get in my pants. I do however have a gay male friend who I've let touch my boobs and borrow a blouse. Probably not the same?
If the guy is such a good womanizer, why does he need a gimmick like faking gayness?

Also, I can't say for sure if Brittney's man-friend is a gay or not, but he is for SURE an a-hole.

Just look at his a-hole face. I mean, look at it!
Oh, now you say I should be on my guard in company of gay boyfriends! But you have a point there. I don't think I would mind if I could turn a gay RDJ look alike to a straight one when all it takes is to let him nuzzle between my boobs.
I know a gay gorilla that posed as a strait ape...a long time ago ....
He lives in a lake house with his gusband now.
Rumor has it, that sometimes a gay man will pose as straight to breed....
I know of a guy who keeps getting confused for gay, just because he likes to fuck men up the arse. He swears he's not though...
Women like the thought of turning a gay man straight? Hmm. Is that true? Or just an arrogant self deception of the male? I don't know of many straight women who pretend to be lesbians to attract a man. And believe me I have looked long and hard.
You talking about me? :P
Billy: Those are very divergent fantasies, Billy. Could you handle both at the same time?

Jaya: Does looking gay help him get into women's pants?

Angie: Well, if he touches your boobs he's part of the way there. Is he jealous of them?

Dr Ken: If he has a gimmick that works, why would he want to change it. I wonder what Britney's boy is thinking in that picture. Maybe he just noticed a squirrel was shitting on his car.

Runaway bride: You see, Miss Runaway! If it would work on a good girl like yourself, the less good girls don't stand a chance!

Jayne: Gay men don't have to do that to breed anymore. Look at Elton John and his husband - they just paid a woman to carry their child. Watch out for that gay gorilla, Jayne, he might want to have butt sex with you!

Tennyson: Funnily enough, there are men who say you're not gay if you're the pitcher rather than the catcher. Most of them may live in Brazil.

Steve: Women generally pretend to be lesbians to persuade men to stop pestering them. You must have really annoyed them if you mistook that for a seduction tactic.

Interweb: Not unless you were recently in the Congo.
Got to say I agree. The idea of a woman able to grapple you to the floor is a bit of a turn on.

Do pop stars actually have sex, or do they just do videos?
Gaydar failure or wishful thinking?
This is so true! Gok Wan gets away with grabbing hold of all the bazookahs of the women he dresses and they love it! He makes a meal out of dressing the spilling cleavage. As for the pillow thing, well you know how I feel about pillows.
His RDJ looks alone is enough :)
Beard or not, Gwen seems to have a good sense of humour about things. As for Ms. Spears - all she ever seems to do is pretend...
That really is fiendishly clever! I'd try it but a) I'm too old, b) I'm too married and c) I'd be afraid the woman would insist on a practical demonstration with her brother.
Okay, that's done. I'm off to your last post. That green girl makes me glad I'm a straight man.
The Jules: Pop stars find it difficult to distinguish sex from near-death experiences - or actual-death experiences, for that matter.

Beth: Definitely wishful thinking, Beth. And I don't think the gaydar can expose fake gays.

Juliette: They can sense he's jealous of their boobs, which makes them very happy. I'm sure you wouldn't use your pillows to fake it, Jules. You've got too much respect for them.

Jaya: I wonder how many women prefer pretty boys to the rugged, square-jawed types.

Azra: Britney is a recovering crackpot, Miss Azra. Any girl who goes to Mel Gibson for advice is threading on very thin ice.

Al: I've often wondered whether women like watching gay men having sex. It seems only fair given the support men give to the lesbian entertainment industry.
Beards huh? Well..... I wonder what a "soul patch" is really all about then?
And yes I believe Brittany is a berad among other things... "trainwreck" and "lipsyncher" and "whore" to name just a few.
At college I was frequently taken to be gay because of my elegant threads, conditioned hair and scorn for contact sports. That's Wales for you.
@Angie. Yes, G.B. is right. The gay guy just wanted to borrow them, too, along with the blouse. G.B. look just like my shrink, by the way.
I've known kids use the word beard to signify when they think someone is lying.

I wonder if that's where this came from ?
I don't think he was jealous of them. I think it's just a universal thing for guys (and some girls). Boobs just feel nice. I don't even think it's all that sexual. :)
I just don't have a comment on this one, GB. Britney grosses me out too much.
Steve Bailey: Britney is a lip-syncher?! I hope you have proof of that shocking allegation.

Mr Boyo: And Welsh women think you're gay if you won't have sex with them, which explains why Tom Jones was so profligate. Did you attract any fag hags?

Fred: Give your shrink my compliments, he sounds like a handsome rogue.

Dirty Cowgirl: I don't think so, Ms Cowgirl. A beard is supposed to make a man look more manly.

Angie: You're a generous woman, Angie. After a comment like that, everyone is going to want to touch your boobs!

Robyn: That's very ladylike of you, Robyn! Not everyone would pass up the opportunity to insult someone who grossed them out!
I was caught in Catch 22, GB. I was "gay" so they wouldn't shag me, and I was gay because they hadn't shagged me. As for fag hags, the Welsh equivalent is English-fancying. Ffion sets the standard, and it's pretty low.
I'm not convinced - i think there was a period where it became rather fashionable to be gay or to hang out with the gay scene, but generally i think this has faded a bit recently

People are still confused about sexuality and i guess whilst we're so busy questioning ourselves around this there will always be "beards"
Mr Boyo: Ffion Hague? Why would a woman marry a bullet-head if he wasn't a demon in the sack?

DFTP: Yes, it confusing all right. I'm still wondering what's happened to all the metrosexuals.
In order to destroy the Tories' election hopes, GB. She was obeying orders from the Elders of Capel Seion.
wow. i didn't know pretending to be gay to get into someone's pants actually worked.

now if you'll excuse me, i must go change my clothes and hair to resemble gina gershon in "bound".
This is a difficult subject for a single woman because it's sometimes very difficult to tell if a man is gay and just hasn't come out yet. Friend (a man) told me there are tons of married gay men who lead a "secret" life. :/
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