Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Bieber paternity suit

The manager of the safari camp shows me a picture of the woman who is claiming that Justin Bieber is the father of her child. 

“Look at her!” he demands in wide-eyed incredulity. “Why would a woman like that have sex with a scrawny teenage boy? She must be 6 inches taller and 50 pounds heavier!” 

“You don’t understand the mentality of the infatuated fan,” I reply. “The excited groupie loses all sense of propriety in the presence of her idol. I experienced this first hand in my circus days.” 

“You don’t say!” jeers the manager sarcastically. “I hope you were gentle with them, because women aren’t built like female gorillas!” 

“As gentle as a lamb, manager,” I answer indulgently. “They left my embrace with not a hair out of place.” 

The manager squeaks effeminately and plays with his hair, but is unable to engage in further repartee. Freed from the distraction of his facetious banter, I study the Bieber story in greater depth. 

The woman at the centre of the case is a 20-year-old blonde called Mariah Yeater. She alleges that Master Bieber invited her backstage after a concert and offered her the honour of popping his cherry. He declined to use a condom (she says) because he didn’t want his first sexual experience to be like paddling in Wellington boots. After 30-seconds of breathless coupling, Bieber was a spent force, and disengaged shamefacedly from his concubine. Apparently, he had expected to pound away for 50 minutes like Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights. Children often get unrealistic expectations from what they see in movies.

The only thing one can say for certain about this tale is that it’s either true or false. It’s a logical dichotomy that cannot be avoided. Bieber has vehemently denied everything, claiming that Miss Yeater is a hoaxer and an embezzler and not his type. His bodyguards have backed-up his story, pointing out that they are trained to prevent licentious hussies from invading Justin’s personal space and ravishing him for nefarious ends. The maligned woman has tearfully stuck to her story, portraying herself as the delicate rose who got pollinated by an aggressive little wasp. 

The dispute will soon be resolved by a paternity test. If Justin does turn out to be the father, it will clearly have implications for his career. I would advise him to re-style himself as ‘Bullet-pants Bieber’, the badass rap artist who knocked up the skank ho who tried to make him her bitch. And he shouldn’t fret about the speed with which he consummated the endeavour – 30 seconds is probably par for the course in the annals of backstage shagging events. 

If the baby doesn’t have the Bieber DNA, Miss Yeater must be punished for her false and treacherous tongue. If I were passing sentence, I would order each of her thighs to be inscribed with a tattoo, one of King Kong and the other of Godzilla. It would be a brave man indeed who dared to venture between those raging monsters. 

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Doesn't Bieber have to have reached puberty before he is able to father a child? It'll be years before his balls drop.
The only reason this story interests me (aside from it making great blog fodder for this post) is because of the sheer stupidity of making and/or denying such a claim with DNA testing available. I’m curious as to who the stupid (or stupider) one turns out to be. And if it’s just a momentary claim-to-fame attempt of Mariah’s, I feel sorry for the baby. Great mother.
Bieber is innocent! Everybody knows he's only into anal!
I agree with one of the above commenters; arguing for a DNA test is going to make someone look pretty stupid. And, I really don't think it's going to be the Beibs.
it might be a case of mistaken identity. all teenage boys in canada look like that.
See, now this just is not possible. Everyone's claims about JB being a boy is clearly incorrect. That woman is a either liar or extremely naive. Justine Bieber is obviously a 30-year-old cross-dressing lesbian who biologically cannot get any woman pregnant. She doesn't have the right "equipment".
Bieber still has a Lil Smokie...he can't do a thing...
In addition to being just plain icky (the clinical term), wouldn't this woman be guilty of statutory rape if she were indeed impregnated by this waif?
NOTE: I used to think that "statutory rape" meant molestation of statues.
I wouldn't be surprised either way. Kids these days. :/
Hmm. To bring it to the paternity test is something and i think everyone would be interested to know now.
I remember Dirk Diggler :p
Steve: Don't be deceived by that boyish face. The guy is a reputedly a yoghurt-gun below the waist.

Beth: One possible explanation is that Bieber and another guy boinked her in quick succession, so even they aren't sure who the father is.

Steve Bailey: I hope he uses lube.

Tennyson: I have to agree with you because she doesn't seem very bright, but what a sensation if Bieber does turn out to the father.

Billy: Good point! Some random kid might have seduced her by claiming to be Justin. And she's dumb enough to have fallen for it!

Static: He's the wrong shape for a lesbian, not enough fat in the right places. Lesbians might find him attractive, though.

Reality Jayne: I don't think that matters, Jayne. If he can jerk it off, he can use it to make babies.

Al: She would indeed, and I believe the police are looking into this. I certainly wouldn't convict her if I were on the jury.

Lavie: I suspect boys his age were seducable by older women in any epoch.

Jaya: We're all waiting in suspense, Jaya. Sadly, the odds of Justin being the daddy are pretty low.
Well Mariah Yeater dropped the suit, so I'm guessing it's an admission of lying?

That last pic of Godzilla and King Kong is why woman love Gorillas Mr GB :D
It would be so weird to have a Bieber baby bouncing around.
Could she have thought of a less plausible claim? Neither his fans or enemies believed it for a minute. That woman needs serious help. I hope she adopts out her baby.
I reckon she didn't intend to tell this story to journalists - only to her friends in order to make her pregnancy look less stupid. But when she'd convinced them, and they started blabbing about it, she couldn't take it back - not even when the journo's were on her doorstep. I really feel for this girl: she underestimated the power of storytelling and was publicly butchered by a Godzilla of her own making. Especially when smart-arses pointed out that, if her story is true, she'll be arrested for having sex with someong who hasn't reached the legal age to do so yet.

Are you, by any chance, related to Gavin from Jerusalem?
If it indeed turns out that Justin Beiber is the dad and his first experience was with that woman, then my sympathies still with him only.
So firstly - if he does come to the wicket and bat for that particular side then i would suspect that he's had plenty of opportunity to perfect his abilities prior to this

Secondly - remind me again why the world is shocked at the idea of a pop star having sex with a groupie? Hardly breaking news

Finally - does he really bat for that side? I mean, really?
Azra: I'm not sure all women love gorillas, Miss Azra. Just the ones who like body hair and firm rumps.

Sub-Radar-Mike: I'm sure we'd get used to it. A baby is a baby, whoever the father is.

Robyn: The poor woman doesn't seem very bright, does she? I suspect she simply wasn't aware of DNA testing.

Deborah: Why would telling her friends a 16-year-old boy impregnated her make it seem less ridiculous? Do women think that having sex with someone famous is always a feather in their cap? Thanks for telling me about Gavin, Deb! I don't know him, but I should imagine we're cousins!

Runaway bride: That's very generous of you, Miss Runaway. Do you think the experience might have been a violation of sorts?

DFTP: Justin is not a typical pop star, though. Everyone thought he was a good boy - including his girlfriend!
never question "fan blindness"
I had a crush on derren brown once!
go figure?
If I were his lawyer, I would recommend that he change his name to Dirk Diggler. It wouldn't help, but I would rather for a Dirk Diggler than a Beaver.
I'm still not sure which allegation shocks me more.
- That he's a male
- That he lasted a full 30 seconds
- That any celebrity with that many adoring fans willing to be his first let down would choose her
I like to listen to stories of 80s glam rockers like Def Leppard and Van Halen, because invariably they talk about bringing girls backstage in the middle of the concert. I love sexual activity as much as the next robust man, but I'm not sure I can multitask in such a way. It would be hard for me to go back to work after banging some hot young floozy.

I presume that's why they make boxers abstain from sex before a big fight, although that could just as easily make someone too crazy and too wired. I say sex at night, that's alright, sex by day, and you'll pay.
i feel so bad for the poor baby.
John Gray: That's nothing to be embarrassed about - he may have bewitched you with his magical powers.

Fred: Would changing his name to Dirk Diggler make him last longer than 30 seconds? I really don't know.

Angie: Do you think she might have forced herself on him? I've heard such things are possible.

Chris: What they did sounds more like a tea-break than multi-tasking. It could be beneficial if you're too hyped up.

Versa Visa: Yes, the poor baby! Imagine living in a world where everyone knows how and where you were conceived!
It's truly shocking how foolish some girls can be.
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