Monday, October 10, 2011

Pamela's new position

My friend Pamela Anderson is begging me to help her become a UN goodwill ambassador. I got a call from her yesterday: 

“I want to do it so much!” she mewed. “Couldn’t you pull a few strings behind the scenes, GB?”. 

“I’ll try my best, Pammy, but don’t expect miracles,” I replied. “There is only so much a gorilla can do to influence the big-wigs of international diplomacy. Throwing my weight around recklessly would be counterproductive.” 

She gave me her loving thanks and expressed full confidence in my lobbying abilities. 

To be perfectly honest, I‘m not sure what a UN goodwill ambassador does. The only one I know anything about is Ginger Spice, who promoted the cause of sex education for the world’s rampant teenagers. Pamela would certainly be overqualified for that task, but her instruction videos have already been widely disseminated. Touring the world to give the same lessons in person would be a pointless exercise. On the other hand, it’s quite possible that she’s made new breakthroughs in the field. Never underestimate the creativity of a woman who named her breasts Pancho and Lefty. 

Perhaps I’ll write a letter to Banky-Moon, informing him of Pamela’s affectionate nature and well-rounded interpersonal skills. He seems like an earnest little fellow who wears his heart on his sleeve. I’m sure he’ll warm to the qualities of a philanthropic actress whose bosom is brimming with compassion. Even if Pamela doesn’t win the goodwill job, he ought to give her another position in his office. No prominent man wants people to think he’s biased against blondes. I can honestly say that Pammy is smarter than most of the elephants of the Congo Basin. 

Not all blond women are intelligent, of course. Hitler’s squeeze Eva Braun was a pitiful airhead. The Fuehrer, it seems, was attracted to women who wouldn’t give him backchat or point out the flaws in his bogus racial theories. Eva had the good sense, nevertheless, not to remove her knickers in public and keep schtum about her boyfriend’s peculiar bedroom tastes. 

Heaven knows what Adolf and Eva would have made of the German couple who had sex in a football stadium. Their lurid exhibitionism was an abject failure, because the crowd were too engrossed in the game to pay them any heed. They only got the attention they craved when an eagle-eyed steward told them that bonking each other wasn’t an acceptable substitute for the Mexican wave. They were later expelled from the ground after another insidious attempt at scoring in an offside position. 

What this episode proves is that sex will never rival football as a spectator sport. People who roar ecstatically when a goal is scored just don’t feel the same elation when they watch strangers copulate. A ball thudding into the back of a net is a far more powerful image than all the cum-shots, cum-faces and cream-pies one could muster in craziest orgy known to pornographic science. Don’t ask me whether that’s a good thing – my job is to observe, not judge.

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I'm not sure which is less newsworthy - Pamela Anderson trying for ambassador or a couple having sex at a football game.
I'm sure Banki-Moon would have several positions that Pammy might be interested in.
"A ball thudding into the back of a net is a far more powerful image than all the cum-shots, cum-faces and cream-pies one could muster in craziest orgy known to pornographic science."

Bwahahahaha! Good point. Speaking of which, I think Tommy Lee dribbled Pamela's breasts like a pair of basketballs in their porn video. Perhaps as a Good Will Ambassador she can do another and raise millions to feed starving Africans, or she can breast feed them all.
Given the choice I would much rather watch a ball being "thumped in the back of a net" for 90 minutes than repeatedly bumped against Pammy's chin......unless it was mine of course.
Perhaps Pammy would be more suited to a position as Goodwill Ambassador to um... I got nothin. Sorry.

Watching a couple have sex in public is only meant for quiet nights alone on random porn sites.
I'm sure Pammy could raise hundreds, if not thousands, just by auctioning off the very blue bikini she's wearing!
Blimey. Eve Braun looks like a young Emily Lloyd. Wonder if she dismissed Hitler with an "up your bum"?
I don't know what but Pammy should attempt something more original than being an UN ambassador.

Talking about stadiums, I'm reminded me of my first cigarettes in a dark, empty, hockey stadium many many years ago.
Robyn: I think the couple having sex is marginally less newsworthy, given that they were ignored by most of the crowd.

Tennsyon: Yes, and I expect he'd have to give her hands-on training to perform in them.

Static: I'm pretty sure that having a boob-job didn't increase her milk supply. Would she have any new ideas for a video?

Joe Bloggs: You must be a keen football fan. It might be difficult to get a good view of the action if your own balls were doing the bumping.

Angie: Do you think that kind of action would go down well at the Superbowl?

Time Warden: I hope she'd auction them off as an ensemble rather than one piece at a time. Such items should not be separated.

Steve: I don't think Hitler was an aficionado of that particular vice. He preferred "Watch you pee" to "up your bum".

Jaya: I hope they weren't the start of an addictive habit. Did they make you cough?
Pamela has given more than enough goodwill to mankind and the male libido; many a teenage boy has excelled in the science field due to their dedication to biology practicals in favour of literature homework. (unless Pammy was featured, of course) Maybe she should rest on her laurels, so to speak.

I applaud the the German couple having sex in the football stadium. Sexual intercourse, watching your team score a stupendous goal and orgasming simultaneously is what I would consider the ultimate hat trick.
actually they didnt make me cough but just heady.
tried then, but didnt start till much later, and went cold turkey after a couple of years.
thats the end of it. im all good.
Yet another career option denied to me – no big boobs and no celebrity status... :(
So Pammy is running out of causes and now she wants to be a UN Ambassador? Let them boobs rest is what I say... they've done more than their fair share of bobbing on Baywatch. I'm guessing they'd be too much of a distraction in more serious affairs.
GB I now know how you earn your bananas....

Don't worry your secret is safe with me, as long as you play at my next party.
Juliette: I've heard that some men fantasize about their team scoring a goal when they climax. According to Daphne Wayne-Bough, her late husband shouted "Oh, Giggsy" at the point of release. Achieving simultaneity with a real goal would require exquisite timing and self-control. Do you know a man capable of such a feat, Juliette?

Jaya: You have stronger willpower than many, Jaya.

Beth: Perhaps you were destined for finer things, Beth.

Azra: Do you think they've been overworked, Miss Azra? You could be right, but if they are to rest they'll need something to rest on. An ironing board perhaps?

Dirty Cowgirl: There are a lot of impostors around, Ms Cowgirl, and I'm not sure your parties are a safe place for wild animals.
pam's getting pretty old;
pancho needs your prayers it's true,
but save a few for Lefty too.
At the super bowl it's called a "wardrobe malfunction" when your panties fall off (or to the side or whatever).
Wow. I always forget how beautiful Pamela was in her hey day. Back then, I'd roger her during a soccer game or any other event for that matter.
If I knew a man with timing that accurate I wouldn't be sitting at home writing a blog!
Pam may be able to raise hundreds, but I'm only concerned with one.
What brought up Pam A?
GB... Do you find her attractive? If so...why?
Tricky one. I'm sure Pammy is as full of goodwill as the next blonde, but I can't see it happening myself. Not in those shoes.
Billy: You've got a lot of tit-compassion, Billy, but does silicone ever age?

Angie: You mean it's always an accident? Doesn't anyone ever moon?

Dr Ken: I'm glad you're now more discerning about your rogering locations.

Juliette: No, you'd be writing it in his harem! A man like that isn't going to be monogamous!

Al: Sunk battleships? That's a fairly cryptic one, Al.

Jayne: I admire her personality, Jayne. She supports a number of good causes connected with animal welfare.

Jon: Are you sure? What has Ginger Spice got that Pammy hasn't?
It's nice to see Pammy make an appearance here again. It's good to keep up friendships.

Cream pie sounds delicious....... wait...... just googled it........ not so much!
One of our local DJs got Pam to recite Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy on the radio one morning. Swear to God. I heard it myself. She wasn't bad. Did it from memory real fast.
That's a good position. :D
Liv: Hello again, Liv! Do you really remember her previous appearances?

Steve: Hah! As if you didn't know what it meant!

Fred: That doesn't surprise me at all. It's a myth that women with boob jobs can't memorise lines.

Senor Pesos: Let's hope she gets it!
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