Friday, October 14, 2011

Her master's voice

Boffins from Scotland have made an interesting discovery about human speech. It seems that a man with a deep voice is more likely to imprint his words in a woman’s mind. This gives the huskier dude a huge advantage in the mating game, enabling him to mesmerise women with his guttural utterances, and persuade them to bear his babies. 

I suspect the scientists may be on to something. Back in my circus days, I remember a horse trainer who had a low rumbling voice. He rarely used it, though, being what humans call “the strong, silent type”. Now it came to pass that one of the female acrobats borrowed a corkscrew from him, which she kept forgetting to return. He eventually lost patience with the absent-minded bint and accosted her while she was limbering up for a practice session. 

“Bring it back before sundown or I’ll smack your rump like a stubborn filly!” he boomed. 

So awed was she by this announcement that she ransacked her trailer to find the misplaced item, which was returned to its owner while the sun was still high in the sky. 

Readers of this blog have inquired about the nature of my own voice. It is not particularly low in pitch for a gorilla. To give you a rough idea, I sound deeper and richer than Tom Jones, but shriller than Lurch of the Addams family. It goes without saying that I have never used my voice to gain an unfair advantage over women. My preferred method of getting them to pay attention is to make eye contact when delivering the key words of my address. 

“I like my nuts roasted and unsalted,” I once said to a girl serving snacks from an open air stall, staring deeply into her eyes as I enunciated the last three words. She blushed nervously, but complied with my instructions to the letter. 

It is an interesting coincidence that another bunch of eggheads have been investigating the features of a woman’s voice. Apparently it varies during her monthly cycle, becoming highest in pitch when she is most fertile. This is supposedly a cue for the man in her life to flex his loins for the conjugal endeavour. 

Their theory seems to assume that a woman becomes more alluring to her mate when her voice is shriller. I can’t say I know of a case study which supports this premise. It seems more likely, in my view, that a man would give his missus a good seeing to in the hope of silencing her aggravating screeching. Such a measure would be counterproductive in many cases, of course. 

All in all, it doesn’t seem like something a woman should rely on to get herself knocked up. Far better that she should follow example of her primate sisters. When a female gorilla is in oestrus, she informs the snoozing silverback that she’s ready to mate by curtsying on his face. There’s no point beating around the bush when you’re trying to reproduce. 

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So THAT explains why the dog only listens to me!! I could do without him trying to hump me, though.
a man with a high pitched voice driving a porsche or a man with a deep voice driving a yugo. which one would attract more women?
After being shrill three times, I decided to use my “quiet” voice. ;)
("Speak softly and carry a big stick...” - Theodore Roosevelt)
I do pay attention to men with deeper voice. And Im also more attentive to men n women who establish eye-contact when they speak to me. I prefer my voice when I have a sore throat :)
There's something about a deep voice. I used to work with a guy who had a magnificent, deep voice. I could have listened to him all day.
Sam Elliot......purrrrrrrrrrr......Mike Rowe.....meow
If the premise is true, how come most pop singers have tenor voices? Tom does and he seems to be doing alright in the picture, despite having a higher range! The only two I can think of with bass voices, at the moment, are Nick Cave and Leonard Cohen and they're hardly likely to pull with the depressing nature of their songs!!
Joe Pasquale must confuse a lot of men.
Al: You'd better get him a date with Sam Elliot so he pesters someone else.

Billy: That's a very good question for any student of pussy magnetism. It probably depends on the woman.

Beth: Quite right, Beth, you've already had enough children.

Jaya: Does it give the voice more authority, Jaya, or is it just more sexy?

Tennyson: An admirable admission, Sir! What about Lurch? Would you have listened to his voice all day?

Jayne: Sam Elliot has a cowboy voice, Jayne. Do you like cowboys?

Time Warden: Tom's speaking voice is fairly deep, though. How many women threw the their knickers at the Bee Gees?

Steve: Only the ones who've never seen a eunuch before.
More authority, GB. Dull voice from a small-framed, chubby faced person sometimes is taken for granted.
What an interesting find Mr. Gorilla Bananas! So, let me get this straight: The shrill tones of a banshee or fishwife will actually fetch a number of amourous suitors? I've seen many a man tremble at such a female pitch but this was clearly the onset of a multiple orgasm. And here was me believing that the soft tones of 'Jessica Rabbit or the 'caramel rabbit' ( why are they always rabbits? Ah...I think I just got that) were the way to snare ones Romeo. Soprano it is then.
Generally I find when my woman's voice gets shrill it's because I've been a jackass and there is no prospect whatsoever of there being the beast with two backs
And here I thought you sounded like Barry White. I hate the sound of my own voice...
Two words. Barry White.

For a big fat fella he certainly knew how to get a woman going.... All in the voice.
I like idea of females squating on one's face when they are interested in a shafting. I wonder if the French got the idea from Gorillas or vice versa?
I...uh...what? Sorry, I was paying attention to that Pam Anderson picture from an earlier post.
Jaya: Yes, there's not much a small chubby person can do if you don't listen to him!

Juliette: Did you just imply that men can have multiple orgasms, Juliette? A bombshell of that magnitude's overshadows all this theorising about voices. What have you seen and when did you see it?

Nota Bene: I'm sorry to hear that. Even jackasses have sexual needs.

Azra: Many people hate the sound of their own voice, Miss Azra. I'm sure it sounds much nicer than you think.

Dirty Cowgirl: So they say, Ms Cowgirl. I'm glad you're conventional about some things!

Jon: You mean French women do it as well? Don't they have to ask permission first?

Al: Quite. For men it's the visual that matters.
Some men have reported having multiple consecutive orgasms,(especially with shrill women) particularly without ejaculation. Males who experience dry orgasms can often produce multiple orgasms, as the refractory period is reduced. Some males are able to masturbate for hours at a time, achieving orgasm many times. Some men have been multiorgasmic since they can recall, while others have learned to achieve multiple orgasms.In recent years, a number of books have described various techniques to achieve multiple orgasms. Most multi-orgasmic men (and their partners) report that refraining from ejaculation results in a far more energetic post-orgasm state.
wow...that was a good one...
GB - Let's just say that one sometimes comes across a certain feminine assertiveness amongst Gallic ladies. Of course, Anglo-Saxon women can be similarly assertive; the difference is that the French do it when they're sober.
A combination of these theories doesn't bode well for the subsequent offspring, GB. Children will have deep but shrill voices like Roseanne Barr or Chaz Bono. Not a pleasant thought.
I can't help but wonder how much this stuff affects today's modern human. For example, a man with a deep voice may leave a lasting imprint, but who's to say it's anything worth remembering?

Me, I figure the easiest way to land a woman is to drive around in a windowless van with a cooler full of meat. That way, you show you can provide for her offspring and also transport them around without subjecting them to harmful UV rays.
Juliette: Thank you for elaborating, Juliette. I very much approve of this. There's far too much wasteful ejaculation going on in the human species, resulting in perfectly good sperm being thrown into toilet bowls and bins. If only men knew they could have multiple orgasms by holding onto their jism. This ought to be publicised more widely.

Jayne: Juliette's comment? I hope you're going to pass on her information.

Jon: Good for them. A woman shouldn't need to intoxicate herself with booze before she'll grab want she wants. As long as she keep herself tidy and groomed, of course.

Robyn: Whatever happened to Roseanne Barr? She certainly looked heavily pregnant when I last saw her on TV.

Chris: You'd also attract quite a few lionesses in my part of the world. Have you tried using pheromone after shave?
Thanks for stopping by my blog.. First all those sentences where supposed to be yellow since the blue is illegible. I apologize. Now on to your post.
I laughed so hard I have a stomach cramp. Nicely done champ. I guess those women who have perpetual shrill voices are sending out 24/7 mating calls. Very unfortunate. As for the deep voices... All I have to say here is Barry White. Yep it's hot.
By the way do you have a follow button?
This makes so much sense.... especially why I never know when all the people I have ever bound and gagged wanna have sex.... thanks for the tip.
how do you curtsey on someone's FACE?

hmmm. better go practice.
Craziness: Hello, Ms Craziness! I don't have a follow button, but I believe you can do it in the blogger dashboard.

Steve Bailey: I think it's better to gag them during rather than before.

Kage: You'd be a natural, Ms Kage. Your limbs are pretty supple, aren't they?
Josh Turner--country singer--has a voice that literally makes women swoon. It's one of those deep, deep country crooner voices. Sigh.
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