Friday, October 28, 2011

French twittering

Although I don’t make a habit of interfering in human politics, I do feel obliged to offer words of support to Monsieur Eric Besson, the 51-year-old French industry minister who accidentally publicised a twitter message intended only for the eyes of his shapely young wife. The tweet went thus: 

“When I come home I am going to bed. Too exhausted. With you?” 

His treacherous followers forwarded this message widely before he could delete it. Consequently, he is being mocked throughout France for propositioning the ravishing Madame Besson with words that Basil Fawlty might have used to persuade Sybil to put on her crotchless knickers. The French expect better of their prominent men, having been raised in the belief that seduction is an exquisite art form perfected, over the centuries, by the nation’s bushy-eyebrowed poets.

This jeering at Monsieur Besson is a grave injustice, for even a one-eyed rooster could see he was paying his wife the greatest of compliments. There he was, making his way home, so dog-tired that he planned to hit the hay without even watching an episode of CSI Miami (with subtitles). Yet he still expressed a desire for physical intimacy with his mouth-wateringly sultry spouse. And let us acknowledge that Twitter is a wholly inadequate medium for romantic solicitation. Even the noble Lord Byron might have tweeted “Fancy a shag?" while riding home on his horse, his buttocks sore after a long day in the saddle. Sometimes a man has to get to the point instead of pussy-footing around with fancy language. 

Now the French claim to be a nation of great lovers, but is this really true? There are baboons who claim their rumps are smoother than a billiard ball. I suspect the Gallic reputation for amorous indulgence is a myth created by overblown characters such as Maurice Chevalier and Pepé Le Pew. Even they did nothing particularly special, unless you believe that kissing a woman’s arm from wrist to shoulder while talking like Inspector Clouseau is guaranteed to turn her innards to putty. 

The kind of love the French really excel at is self-love. Their cuisine, their fashion and even their affected language are presented to the world as the apogee of human culture and achievement. In the jungle, this kind of boasting would immediately be seen the defensive posturing of a beta male. You don’t make big noises in front of your rivals unless you’re scared they might rub your face into their armpits. 

I shouldn’t end this French-themed post without offering my warm congratulations to Carla Bruni, who has given birth to a healthy baby girl at the age of 43. May little Giulia have the looks of her mother and the stature of her father. I was disappointed that some newspapers described the new-born infant as “President Sarkozy’s daughter”, as if there was any need to emphasise the point. Ms Bruni may be whimsical and impulsive, but she wouldn't allow any oily-arsed non-entity to plant his sprouts in her allotment. 

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So, the French fancy themselves great lovers because they slobber all over a woman's ARM? See, that's the same problem they had when they oriented the Maginot Line:
a bad sense of direction.
Perhaps he confused text messaging with Twitter, still he shouldnt be looked at like that. As you've said, nothing is wrong with his Tweet. Never happened to me on Twitter but I've accidentally sent a boyfriend text message to an intern at my office once. He's migrated to Aus, and many years after he still keeps in touch and reminds me of that SMS moment!

Btw , CSI dubbed in French is so wrong.
As always, witty, amusing and informative but this time, it was the little things that made me laugh out loud...CSI Miami (with subtitles)...Pepé Le Pew...
Love your mind and sense of humour!
Are you serious? The French got uptight about that twitter msg? What's the problem? It's his wife. Do they know about Anthony Weiner?
The one French lady I'd like to get to know a little better is Isabelle Huppert, perhaps best known for the movie La Dentellière (The Lacemaker)!

Of course, Johnny Depp isn't doing too badly, married to the lovely Vanessa Paradis!!

Joe le taxi. C'est sa vie.
The French politicians and their spouses are more attractive than our british ones, though, methinks.

For whatever that's worth.
The French excel at self-love? Now that is something I would like to watch Audrey Tautou, Beatrice Dalle and Emmanuelle Béart taking part in.

Are there DVDs available of such activities?
Al: Their sense of smell might be letting them down as well. Sniffing cheese all day dulls the olfactory organ.

Jaya: Did the intern text you back? The standard reply in such situations is "This is all so sudden...".

Beth: Glad you liked it, Beth. Are you a fan of Pepé Le Pew?

Robyn: I'm sure they don't mind him sleeping with his wife, Robyn. Some might be jealous, perhaps, but I think they just wanted to mock him.

Timewarden: The French are certainly very creative in their sex scenes, I give them credit for that.

Steve: You'd have to come up with a suitable arty screenplay before those ladies would let you direct them. Are you man enough to write it?
"The kind of love the French really excel at is self-love."

Apes excel at self love too, but I don't think that has anything to do with fear of an armpit-rubbery by a rival:
I would probably enjoy jeering as well if I spoke fluent French. It's a language particularly suited to insults and scorn.
He immediately rang me :p
Embarrassing but it wasn't as bad as accidentally sending a bitch msg to the very person we were bitching about. yikes.
i would guess any woman would look good to him after a day of dealing with the lovely ms merkel whilst tossing money at the greeks.
I recently read that Carla Bruni doesn't want anyone looking at pics of her kid because she's "suspicious". I find that weird coming from someone like her.

What do you think of French women GB?
While it was the wrong venue for such a message... I don't see anything wrong with his tweet/text. It seemed to me an innocent way of a man telling his wife he would like to just spend some quality (sex or not) time with his spouse and asking her to join him. It actually seems a bit refreshing compared to what we seem to be experiencing with politicians these days that would simply send a picture of their penis or bang the maid without asking if the wife were free for a romp. :)
Deborah: Hello Debbie, it's nice to hear from you. I wouldn't call that self love - self therapy might be a better description.

The Jules: Even if you don't know the language, you could still imitate the gestures and facial expressions.

Jaya: Maybe the makers of cell phones need to invent a safety feature for misdirected text messages.

Billy: I'm not sure about that, Billy. He divorced his wife of 20 years for the young woman in the picture.

Azra: I have the greatest of respect for French women, Miss Azra. Particularly the ones who don't shave their armpits.

Angie: No one was condemning him, Angie, he was just being mocked. How do you feel about him divorcing his wife of 20 years for the 24-year-old woman in the picture?
W.T.F the French
got uptight about that twitter msg?nkt!
What's the problem? Wth 'em
Bdw come thru my blog sometime

Although I find it odd someone communicates with his wife through Twitter, he can't be expected to be romantic. The 140 character limit is too restricting. I attempted a saucy poem myself, and this was the best I could manage:

"I went to the bathroom and took a poo, I looked at the shape and thought of U. Happy Valentines Day."
I waxs watching some homemade porn yesterday before church. It was two fat people making love and speaking French. Sounded awesome!
At least he didnt send a message that read..."Really tired... so get ready for a quickie with absolutely no foreplay"... though Im betting he wanted to!
Salut GB!

To be fair, it is everyone else who claim that the French claim to be great lovers, the French themselves being too busy "ploughing the furrow" to make such silly comments.

I notice that young Luc is - like M. Le Président - shorter than his spouse: what can it all mean????
I believe it was the infinitely wise Woody Allen who said: "Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love."

Good to be back and glad to see you're still going strong. Sadly, every time I return to the blogosphere and hope to catch up with the blogs I love, I find that more of them have vanished. I was just in time for Madame de Farge's farewell.

Will you be going to the blogger meetup in London tonight?

I'll look out for a Japing Ape.
And another thing: look at the expressions used in English to describe ladies' bits: "parts of shame"; "front bottom."

In French "the delta of Venus."

Now, ask yourself, is it any surprise that the French have a better reputation than the Anglo Saxon races when it comes to the business of hiding the sausage?

I think not.
Chulala: Hello Mr Chulala. Does you name have a meaning? It looks vaguely familiar.

Chris: That's not a bad little poem for Twitter. There's nothing wrong with comparing your beloved to the shape of poo, which can be quite attractive.

Fred: The French are masters of movie sex and always come up with inventive dialogue for their coital scenes.

Steve Bailey: He might have also wanted her to straddle him if he was that tired! I think it was all in the original message if you read between the lines.

Jon: Yes, the French are pretty shameless, I'll give them credit for that. Have you noticed the sex scenes in their movies have a je ne sais quois that the Anglo Saxons have never managed to emulate?

Deborah: Yes, it was sad when Madame Defarge called it a day. I'm glad you're still around, though - I thought you must have gone away to start a family!
a family? me? haha, I can't even look after a blog properly, let alone a husband and kids!
I suppose it's two-fold: on the one hand, it's a tweet to his wife, not some mistress, so why mock him? On the other, he may have been a little foolish to tweet something so publicly, knowing people would see it, so it opened him up to the mocking. Still, at least it was to his wife--that's a big plus in this day and time.

I've actually always wanted to have a man be so chivalrous as to kiss my hand. *blushes*
Deborah: Some things are done instinctively, Debbie. I'm sure you'll surprise yourself when the time comes.

Frisky Virgin: I can scarcely believe that no man has kissed your hand, Miss Virgin. It ought to be first thing a suitor does to declare his interest in you.
I love surprises, but I hope I won't follow Marni Kotak's suit! No, i temporarily abandoned my blog in favour of another - it had nothing to do with nesting instinct.

Speaking of which, do you tweet like a bird?
I hope they paid you for blogging in that site, Deb. I don't tweet, but you can find me in Facebook.
Byron would have got straight in there, you're so right. None of this tweeting business or French sleaze.
He was an impatient fellow, Jules. I wonder if he would have whipped his horse too.
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