Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Another girl

I don’t feel snubbed because Paul McCartney didn’t invite me to his wedding. Paul knows full well that we gorillas find such occasions arse-scratchingly tedious, and didn’t want to put me in the awkward position of having to decline. The only wedding I’ve ever attended was that of my circus comrade, Smacker Ramrod, who needed a minder to stop his old school chums from de-bagging him at the reception. After the ceremony, his blushing bride combed the confetti out of my fur. A male gorilla will agree to most things after he’s been groomed by a female. 

Now that Paul is happily hitched, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me telling you about the counselling I gave him after his divorce from Heather “Moneybags” Mills. 

“I dunno, GB,” he mused. “If only we could do things as simply as you gorillas.” 

“Don’t be an ass, Paul, you belong to a different species,” I replied. “Just make sure the next one you marry has plenty of cash, so if it doesn’t work out you’ll agree to call it quits. And pick a woman who’s above child-bearing age. You’ve already sired a decent brood, and don’t want another baby selfishly hogging your wife’s udders.” 

The new Lady McCartney could not have fulfilled my specifications more perfectly if I had picked her myself. Ms Nancy Shevell, aged 51, is the heiress of a road haulage empire. She is attractive; she is demure; her eyes do not have daggers in them. In short, she is the kind of woman who wouldn’t throw her hairdryer at you for saying her new hairstyle made her look like a yeti. 

When I discussed Paul’s nuptials with the manager of the safari camp, he affected a sceptical tone:

“This Nancy woman sounds a bit bland to me,” he said. “Some men prefer a hot-headed wife who curses and bites before you pin her to the bed.” 

“You’re confusing humans with apes,” I replied. “A man married to a dragon-lady can only fantasize about bed-pinning scenarios. Attempting such a manoeuvre in real life would most likely provoke a stiletto in the groin.” 

Is it possible for a man to find happiness in the arms of a bad-tempered woman? Count Dracula’s wives were obviously crazy bitches from hell, yet they seemed quite devoted to their sinister and remorseless husband. They also got on tolerably well with each other, which doesn’t always happen in polygamous situations. 

I would guess that the cornerstone of their relationship was the total absence of jealously. The Count was perfectly free to pursue any virgins her fancied, even if it meant going on extended vacations with limited opportunities for correspondence. And his feral spouses didn’t hesitate to sink their fangs into any stray man-flesh that wandered into the castle grounds. The Count, indeed, often played the pander to their grisly debaucheries. 

Clearly there’s a lot wrong with vampires and their lifestyle wouldn’t be to everyone’s taste. But you have to admire the mature way they dealt with their relationship issues. 

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I'm sure he'll have other weddings, GB. You'll get an invite one of these days.
The new Lady is very pretty n looks 20 yrs younger.
Btw, Trueblood vamps are jealous creatures.
Paul McCartney is a vampire.... and in an open relationship?.... wow! Thanks for the update.... I always love reading your posts.
I've often wondered why Ringo didn't adopt his wife Barbara's surname when they married. Then, like Paul, he could've dabbled in the field of 'classical' music, following in the footsteps of such great baroque luminaries as Johann Sebastian, Carl Philipp Emanuel and Johann Christian, calling himself Ringo Bach!
If it's a choice of being sucked for my money or sucked for my blood I'd be disappointed. Are they really the only options?
Can a man find happiness in the arms of a bad tempered woman? If he gags and binds her, yes. But hold on... If she's bad tempered she'd be screeching in shrill tones right? I thought this was a turn on? I'm confused. As for the vampire clan, there's no room for jealousy in these lairs; it's an out and out orgy and feeding frenzy with no room for monogamous creatures.
Robyn: If Paul has another wedding, Robyn, I'll be wearing a black armband. A man should know when enough is enough.

Jaya: I don't think she looks quite as young without face powder, Jaya, but she is well preserved for her age. Do you think she drinks a lot of fruit juice?

Steve Bailey: If you study the piece more carefully, you'll discover that Ringo is a wereworlf.

Time Warden: It would have also cleared the way for Freddie Star to become a rock drummer rather than the man who ate someone's hamster. Life is full of such missed opportunities.

Steve: You could have a sex change or become a monk. You don't get something for nothing in this world.

Juliette: But she wouldn't be able to open her arms if she were gagged and bound, would she? You're obviously not a bad-tempered woman, Juliette, I think you'll need to ask your witch friends about this one. I agree with you about the vampires, but how many would play the pander like Count Dracula?
I agree that "Sir" Paul appears to have made a wise choice. His new bride seems to have no serious skeltons in the cupboard, but I still have a nagging feeling that all may not be well. You don't think "she" could be a ladyboy do you? Something about the eyes...
In human relationships, blood is usually drawn only in a metaphorical sense – but it can get quite “grisly!” ;)
She does look good doesn't she. But she's from New York, and I believe, therefore, must be a very scary lady indeed
I see your point GB but you can never be too careful with the open arms of a bad tempered woman. How many would play the pander like CD and have beautiful devoting blood whores at his beck and call? I'll come back to you when I've finished counting......
I just want to point out that the Count did not throw just any man to his wives. He threw them his attorney. And the attorney, of course, did not resist. There's a lesson there. Of some sort.
I think the crazies (hair dryer-throwing, stiletto threatening, screamers) give the nice girls a bad name. So many men naturally think women will go all psycho if angered. The idea of a rational, calm resolution to a problem is apparently something not associated with women. It's really limiting.
I didn't get an invitation to Wills and Kate's wedding, as well as Kim Kardashian's.
Sadly...sniff...sniff...I've moved on.
But, I really don't know what to do with those bamboo skewers, melon ballers, and the powder blue tux I rented.
Jon: I'd never even considered such an evil thought until you put into my mind! Point taken, but a lot of shemales are indistinguishable apart from the groin. The eyes don't tell you much these days.

Beth: I believe so, Beth. Mental cruelty can be far worse than a bite on the neck.

Nota Bene: Don't judge a book by its publisher. There are always a few daisies amid the snapdragons.

Juliette: You could be right, Jules. Allowing them free use of their arms might be too risky. Can a bad-tempered woman be safely kissed?

Fred: He may not have resisted, but he still ran away when he got the chance. There's only so much of that kind of attention a man can take.

Frisky virgin: You are so right, Miss Virgin. I do believe you have all the qualities of a princess.

Al: There are always uses for bamboo skewers. Don't you have any itches that need scratching?
Not if she's got fangs, or in fact regular teeth. I would fear a serious bite.
interesting that you linked paul mccartney with bloodsuckers and yet never mentioned his second wife's name...
who the hell is paul mccartney?

and i think the woman he married is cute. not as cute as me, but then, you can't have everything.
I never thought of Dracula as a swinger but you are right, makes perfect sense.
The irony is that most of the "bad tempered" women I know are all married to the all-round great guy that was popular and good looking in school. Maybe it's true that most men love bitches - everyone else lags behind.
I actually purchased the book "Why Men Marry Bitches" because I thought it would give me insight to the type of woman all men wanted. It didn't turn out as I'd hoped. While I am a perfectly decent bitch to most of the world, I'm not sure I can be the harping, angry, abusive woman the manager of your Safari camp speaks of. (sad sad confession there, eh?)
Juliette: A female bite can actually be quite enjoyable. It's when they start to chew that you've got to worry.

DFTP: I did indeed mention her! She is as important a character as Lady MacBeth!

Kage: Are you cute enough to bite, Ms Kage?

Tony Van Helsing: Feel free to cite me in any vampire tome you are writing. Are you related to his nemesis?

Azra: Are you sure they weren't married for their money, Miss Azra? Some men will put up with a lot to get their hands on a bit of cash.

Angie: I'm glad to hear that Angie. You shouldn't want to marry a man who wants a bitch for his wife.
Perhaps she was seeing Dr. Brandt, GB.
Maybe things might appear clearer if only people ate more fudge?
Jaya: Does he really give personal consultations? I thought he was like Dr Pepper.

Sarah: Hello, Sarah, that's an interesting theory. I suppose it might if you laced the fudge with something.
Dracula as swinger, very interesting ;)
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