Monday, September 12, 2011

Swiss brothel fire

News arrives of a brothel in Switzerland that was burned to the ground after its owner lit a barbecue for his guests. It’s a timely warning for anyone running a business in the hospitality industry. Trying too hard to please the customer by offering services outside your area of expertise often ends in disaster. We’ve never been tempted to make call girls a part of the safari experience in Africa. Humans with sex on the brain are prone to rash acts in the presence of wild animals. 

The Swiss brothel-owner should have known that a bawdyhouse doesn’t need gimmicks like a barbecue unless it’s in the wrong place. If I were starting up in the madam-ing business, I’d choose a seaside town with a warm climate. Sea air and naked flesh are what stimulate the human libido. Sex will never be a popular pastime in a country like Switzerland, famed for its mountain hikers and thermal underwear. The average Swiss couple copulate twice a year while holidaying in Italy or Greece – and not necessarily with each other. 

Before anyone accuses me of being anti-Swiss, let me say that I have every respect for the concept of a Swiss-themed brothel. Buxom milkmaids, cuckoo clocks and girls called Heidi are the dog’s bollocks for a certain type of punter. I’m sure a bordello like that would rake in the cash in Rio or Acapulco. The point is that you need to have a party atmosphere to encourage hanky-panky, and the Swiss are not party animals. Theirs is an alpine lifestyle, where cold showers and yodelling on the hillside take precedence over socialising with other humans. 

The main problem for any entrepreneur who needs to relocate abroad is understanding the local language. I’ve never understood why a genetically uniform species like homo sapiens speaks in such an absurd babble of different dialects. Why, for example, are there two types of Chinese? Isn’t it bad enough for the Peking Chinaman to be incomprehensible to the rest of the world without also being incomprehensible to his countryman in Shanghai? 

Some humans, of course, exploit this confusion by becoming multi-lingual. Like parrots, they thrive on hearing foreign words and repeating them frequently. An example of such is Rianhan Brooksbank-Jones, a pretty polyglot with a peculiar obsession about Korea. Her fascination with their oriental tongue is so great that she is having her own tongue surgically lengthened to speak it with greater fluency. 

I must say I never realised Koreans had long tongues. It’s an attribute that would serve them well in the jungle, where there is no shortage of tasty titbits that need to be winkled out of crannies. That’s not something I would expect a well-bred girl like Miss Brooksbank-Jones to do, of course. After a busy morning spent babbling in Korean, she could volunteer to lick envelopes and postage stamps for a local charity. And then, before supper, she could stick out her tongue at bossy old fishwives from her bedroom window. Those who possess an unusual gift should do what they can to give something back to the community.

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Speak to me in Italian and I melt. Speak to me with an Irish accent and I take off my pants. It's unfortunate but it's the truth. I personally only learn to speak the basics of any language. Can I get a lawyer? Where is the bathroom? Will you film us? etc. :P

As to the Korean thing... I dated a Korean man and never once did I check to see if he had a particularly long tongue. I feel as if I should give him a call and ask how it's going.
We Welsh have two tongues. We're happy with their length, but our ladies insist that the girth is the thing.
I wonder if the Swiss had longer tongues....if it would make a dif?
BTW...Even though, as a woman,I know.... i dont look sexy in thermals....i can't help but FEEL sexy in them....Whats it mean, oh mighty great ape?
Maybe Rhiannon could find work as a brothel employee, once her tongue is lengthened, then she could lick two birds with one groan!
is it just me that thinks throwing a bbq is probably not marketing genius when it comes to attracting new clients to a brothel?

(maybe 'stupid ideas' karma got him)
The bordello burnt down because the owner was lighting a barbecue?! Was he lighting it actually inside the house? In one of the rooms? What kind of fetish is that?
Angie: I think it would be unladylike to ask a Korean man how long his tongue is, Angie. Maybe you should have a date at the circus and watch him eat a popsicle.

Mr Boyo: I didn't want to comment on Miss Broobbanks-Jones Welshness, but it can't be a coincidence, can it? Perhaps she would have an exciting future at the Welsh Tourist Board.

Reality Jayne: If you feel sexy in them, Jayne, you probably are sexy in them. There's always an exception to every rule.

Time Warden: That would depend on whether there's a niche market for Korean-speaking tarts. But perish the thought that Rhiannon should ever slither down that slippery path.

Dull boy: He may have been trying to persuade existing clients to stay, DB. Don't forget we're talking about Switzerland, with it's wide selection of diverting pastimes.

Steve: I believe that would be called "pyromania". I've heard it's an exciting hobby, but very few people have tried to combine it with sex.
She wants to lengthen her tongue to speak fluent Korean? Just when I thought I'd heard it all.

Unfortunately, I know quite a lot of people with forked tongues.
Knowing the Swiss as I don't, I suspect there is a law against outdoors bbqs in Switzerland. Naturally as an Englishman, I've stuck with the mother tongue...
From a fire in a brothel to tongue action - and somehow the transition all made sense. How do you do this??!!
"After a busy morning spent babbling in Korean, she could volunteer to lick envelopes and postage stamps for a local charity."

I'm pretty sure I pulled something from laughing so hard...
There are two types of Chinese? Geez, I thought there were billions of them.
I gotta lot to learn.
Well, gonna go look up "Swiss Brothel" in the phone book. I'm starting to think their cheese is full of holes for a reason.
Lengthen her tongue?! How is that even possible? Never mind, I don't think I want to know.

I learn a great deal reading your blog, GB.
I was thinking what Frisky was. (The virgin and honorary virgin think alike.) How could a tongue be lengthened? Never mind.

I think I'll move to Switzerland, given it sounds like another celibate woman would fit right in.
If I were a "guest" there, I'd be fine with some crappy pizzas because I wouldn't even expect food - just whores.
Azra: If only there were a tongue operation that made humans tell the truth, Miss Azra. Apart from the socially necessary white lies, that is, and the lies required to deceive tyrants and blackguards.

Nota Bene: Maybe the rule applies specifically to brothels. I bet the chairman of Swiss Re can have a barbecue in his garden.

Beth: I don't know, Beth. My mind just seems to wander!

Bschooled: You do have a taste for the quirky, Ms Bschooled! That's what your fans love about you.

Al Penwasser: It's a pity the country is landlocked so you didn't get a chance to visit with the navy. I suspect their brothels are pretty amateurish, so they should be grateful for your input.

Frisky virgin: Surgeons can do amazing things, Miss Virgin. I've even heard of women getting their virginity restored!

Robyn: If you moved to Switzerland, Robyn, you might start writing posts titled "Why I chose boredom".

Dr Ken: The words of a young man. When you get older, you'll start to appreciate food more.
I did see Switzerland when we flew from Sicily to Germany. All I saw were snowcaps on top of the biggest frikkin' mountains I'd ever seen. Apparently, I shoulda looked more closely for the hookers.
I would think an enlengthened tongue would be a distinct advantage in a Swiss brothel as well.
It's true that the Swiss generally engage in the sexual act only for the purposes of procreation (it being considered less fun than ski-ing and counting the enormous piles of money that grace every household), so I can only conclude that the owner must have been a foreigner catering to foreigners and therefore unaware of the regualtions regarding "fun" in the anally-retentive, morally bankrupt, Alpine dump.
the spoken chinese has many dialects as they differ from clan to clan, but they still use one written Mandarin language.
You can never trust those Swiss. They love to eat chocolate covered Koreans.
Al Penwasser: I believe the latest surveillance equipment can distinguish a hooker from a blow-up doll. Which is more than a lot of men can do.

Tennyson: Especially if it caters for the growing lesbian market.

Jon: Hah, you must have visited Switzerland! Or heard first-hand accounts about the place.

Jaya: I believe so, Jaya. Do they speak Mandarin or Cantonese in Malaysia?

Static: Only Koreans? I never knew they tasted better.
I ALMOST WEED MYSELF at that photo
Was that the hookers or the tongue?
there are a few spoken dialects here, including Mandarin and Cantonese. ppl of my hometown are cantonese. my mom speaks fluent cantonese, and i can speak to get by.
@ Gorilla: People, in general, only taste better and better with a side of duck sauce.
I find that photo to be a bit puzzling. Has her tongue been lenghened so much that it no longer fits inside her mouth?
The tongue is a flexible organ, Madam Z. While we're on the subject, have you measured your one?
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